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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did I do something wrong

51 replies

youcanthandlethetruth · 08/01/2021 21:50

I moved in with dp at the start of June.

Obviously because of lockdown we have been walking a lot. I usually take dps hand on walks before living together and he’s never raised any issue but he started to tell me soon after living together that he hates holding my hand. Okay, it’s maybe not his thing I thought so I had stopped doing it altogether. No major issue.

We did however go for a walk today and he started to complain about how slowly I was walking. We had only just left the house. I thought this was a silly thing to complain about and a couple of minutes in when he was still grumpy and complaining about it I told him if it bothered him that much and he wanted me to keep up with him then he could just take my hand. He reacted by swiftly grabbing my arm with one hand then jerked my hand out of my coat pocket. It was very clearly done with annoyance on his part. I was shocked at his reaction and the jerking motion he used. He momentarily hurt my arm as he gripped it tightly to remove my hand from my coat.

This was done as we were approaching a traffic light where cars were stopped and i felt a rush of heat to my face from embarrassment. I’ve never felt like that before around him and was just a bit surprised really at his behaviour.

I made it clear when he did that that I was embarrassed in front of cars of people and he momentarily hurt my arm. He told me there was no way he could have hurt me and I was making a drama out of it. Queue an argument as we walked which led to him storming off home and leaving me on the walk on my own.

He has refused to admit he’s done anything wrong. I don’t know whether I’m just blowing this out of proportion as he has never been violent or abuse before.

Is he right, am I just being a drama queen? If I need to wind my neck in feel free to tell me to wise up.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 08/01/2021 23:09

I sincerely hope you're not minimising what happened. He laid his hands on you in anger. This is never, ever acceptable and it will get worse.

Weirdfan · 08/01/2021 23:29

Please take a tip from someone who knows, you will look back on this incident (if you stay) and recognise it as the first sign you should have left, and you will wish with all your being that you had. His mask has slipped, what you saw today is what lurks beneath and you can't un-see it.

This is the beginning of you driving yourself mad trying to connect the man you thought you knew with what you now see, the two things won't add up and it will be a total headfuck but you'll still keep trying to convince yourself that the man you thought you knew is the 'real him' and something must be making him do these things.

Save yourself now, while you can still think straight and he hasn't done you any major damage, physically or emotionally. And don't let him or anyone else tell you you're overreacting or being dramatic, getting rid of a man (or woman) who lays his hands on you is a boundary everyone should have.

faithfulbird20 · 08/01/2021 23:34

He's just a grump. Next time do the same thing to him and see how he feels.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 08/01/2021 23:37

Red flags all over. It wouldn't be an overreaction to leave him. Next time you go for a walk you'll be second guessing and on eggshells to avoid having the same thing happen again. That's where he wants you.

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 08/01/2021 23:41

No you did nothing wrong and I don’t think suggesting you hold hands is passive agressive! This is how it starts. A jolt to the arm, an annoyed pinch, a light shove out of the way.

You have recently moved in together and if your not working what else is there to do in a day 🤷‍♀️ Why couldn’t he slow down? Why doesn’t he want to hold hands?

It’s an amber flag for me dependent on if it was truly a one off or if he is often quick to temper

Branleuse · 08/01/2021 23:50

He was a bit of a dick to you, but only you know if there are other issues.

Bree25 · 08/01/2021 23:54

Fair enough about the hand holding but his response was not ok and quite aggressive , just tell him it was and if he does it again your gone

Sn0tnose · 09/01/2021 00:17

The second, and I do mean the absolute second, a man used any sort of physical aggression with me, the relationship would be dead.

I grew up with domestic violence. It’s an absolute line not to be crossed for me.

Sn0tnose · 09/01/2021 00:18

@Weirdfan is absolutely right. I hope you don’t give him another chance.

BlueThistles · 09/01/2021 00:24

Eeugghh I hate anyone holding my hand ...

but if he did that too me... I'd have left/moved out tonight 🌺

TurquoiseDragon · 09/01/2021 00:36

@Marlboroandmalbec34

No you did nothing wrong and I don’t think suggesting you hold hands is passive agressive! This is how it starts. A jolt to the arm, an annoyed pinch, a light shove out of the way.

You have recently moved in together and if your not working what else is there to do in a day 🤷‍♀️ Why couldn’t he slow down? Why doesn’t he want to hold hands?

It’s an amber flag for me dependent on if it was truly a one off or if he is often quick to temper

Where does the OP say she's not working? I've re-read the OP but am I missing something?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/01/2021 01:19

Best case scenario he's not into you anymore and that's showing.

Worst case scenario (and from what you've said, the likely one) he's a prick who has potential to be abusive as he doesn't care if he hurts you.

Either way, this isn't a relationship you should be remotely considering continuing is it?

Onthedunes · 09/01/2021 01:33

This event is more important than you know op, as @Weirdfan says you will look back on this event.

Many abused women can look back and remember these first events.
He doesn't sound a kind man, his mask is slipping.

You will now begin to minimise his abuse, whether it be emotional or physical, he has demonstrated how he wishes you to behave in public, he will not show you love in front of others.

You have asked for advice and I hope you can now understand to be watchful of his behaviour.
He laid his hands on you in an agressive manner, threw a tantrum and then sulked afterwards saying he had done nothing wrong.

There are many posters that can see the signs and this is one of them.

He is training you, the lessons start now.

classiestgal · 09/01/2021 01:35

It’s time to leave

Rainbowqueeen · 09/01/2021 01:40

You did nothing wrong

He is telling you that you did not feel pain when you know that you did Can you see how messed up that is???

I agree with those who say leave. The fact that you are already doubting yourself shows that he has a history of messing with your head. Soon he will be telling you that it’s your fault he punched you in the face and you will believe him. Don’t get to that point

Groovinpeanut · 09/01/2021 03:49

Well clearly walking isn't a shared passion so I'd avoid any more walks with him. Go on your own and enjoy the peace and tranquility. Leave him to his strops.
Did he hurt your arm?
Do you feel he's shown a side of his personality that you find uneasy about?
He's not particularly pleasant in the way he talks/ treats you?
If you've answered 'yes' well it would seem the relationship isn't what you thought it to be.
As another poster said it starts with the odd push, grabbing at you, down playing your feelings. Before you know it the emotional abuse escalates.
I think you need to think long hard about what you want from this relationship, and whether it's something you wish to continue.

OldWomanSaysThis · 09/01/2021 04:01

It's a preview of things to come. Get out now.

Shoxfordian · 09/01/2021 08:58

This is a big red flag
Don’t ignore it

pog100 · 09/01/2021 09:22

Decent relationships play out a lifetime without a single incident like this. I know I've been in one for 40 years and we would both never treat a partner like this. The storming off home alone is almost as bad as the roughness in the first place. Do not continue this.

JollyAndBright · 09/01/2021 09:36

I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, had the situation played out in exactly the same way, DP grumpy and annoyed, me being passive aggressive he would maybe have turned around and walked away from me to go home, most likely he would have been passive aggressive back and then we would have continued the walk in silence.
There is 0% chance he would have grabbed my arm in the aggressive manner you describe because he is not that kind of man.

This would be a huge red flag for me.
I’ve been in an abusive relationship before and his dismissive attitude of how you saw the incident rings alarm bells for me, any normal person would apologise once they realise they hurt you.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 09/01/2021 10:06

he has never been violent or abuse before
Well, no, they never have before the first time.

Anyway, he was being prickly, saying he doesn’t like holding hands. But not everyone does, I don’t when on a walk. For a short period during an evening stroll on holiday maybe.

He was already in a bad mood and taking it out on you by criticising your walking. Taking out his mood on you is not OK.

OK, it was ridiculous to suggest holding your hand as a way to increase your waking speed, but that does not mean you ‘brought it on yourself’ that he grabbed you like that.

Also embarrassment in front of others should not be your main concern. Would it be OK to grab you like that in the kitchen???

And his subsequent refusal to apologise and trying to turn it on you is a big red flag.

Trust your own reactions OP. You have a right to feel upset/ outraged by his behaviour. Don’t take in his version and believe yourself to be at fault.

Also think about asserting your own independent self. If he wants to walk fast maybe say ‘OK you want a brisk walk, see you at home’.

But be very very alert to the behaviour he has demonstrated here. Personally I would be ready to pack my stuff, having stayed in relationships with men like this for far too long in the past.

AWeeBit · 09/01/2021 11:19

People like this usually behave worse in private than in public. If he's now comfortable hurting you in front of others, what's he going to be like behind closed doors?

MrsBobDylan · 09/01/2021 13:20

All you need to know is this is how he responds to you when you are in a perfectly normal/non-taxing situation.

What happens when you get angry with him/make a mistake/leave the top off the toothpaste? Or are you planning an avoiding all those things (and everything else we all annoy our partners with) all your life?

If you don't end it then you should know that you are making it clear that you will accept and forgive this behavior from him.

Bananalanacake · 09/01/2021 13:26

Is it your house. Can he move back to where he was before.

wheelywheelynice · 10/01/2021 15:22

He's horrible and I bet this is the start of other fault-finding on his part. Get rid and find a man who would enjoy holding your hand.

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