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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did I do something wrong

51 replies

youcanthandlethetruth · 08/01/2021 21:50

I moved in with dp at the start of June.

Obviously because of lockdown we have been walking a lot. I usually take dps hand on walks before living together and he’s never raised any issue but he started to tell me soon after living together that he hates holding my hand. Okay, it’s maybe not his thing I thought so I had stopped doing it altogether. No major issue.

We did however go for a walk today and he started to complain about how slowly I was walking. We had only just left the house. I thought this was a silly thing to complain about and a couple of minutes in when he was still grumpy and complaining about it I told him if it bothered him that much and he wanted me to keep up with him then he could just take my hand. He reacted by swiftly grabbing my arm with one hand then jerked my hand out of my coat pocket. It was very clearly done with annoyance on his part. I was shocked at his reaction and the jerking motion he used. He momentarily hurt my arm as he gripped it tightly to remove my hand from my coat.

This was done as we were approaching a traffic light where cars were stopped and i felt a rush of heat to my face from embarrassment. I’ve never felt like that before around him and was just a bit surprised really at his behaviour.

I made it clear when he did that that I was embarrassed in front of cars of people and he momentarily hurt my arm. He told me there was no way he could have hurt me and I was making a drama out of it. Queue an argument as we walked which led to him storming off home and leaving me on the walk on my own.

He has refused to admit he’s done anything wrong. I don’t know whether I’m just blowing this out of proportion as he has never been violent or abuse before.

Is he right, am I just being a drama queen? If I need to wind my neck in feel free to tell me to wise up.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 08/01/2021 21:52

He’s not right. He was horrible to you.

Craftycorvid · 08/01/2021 21:55

Not cool! Has he a short temper in other contexts?

rolorun · 08/01/2021 21:55

Sounds not right

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 08/01/2021 21:55

This is the start of it. I’m sorry Sad. Please save yourself any further heartache and leave him ASAP. They all start like this - a slightly too hard squeeze, a push or shove, the silent treatment to punish you when you tell them that they hurt you. It won’t get better, it will only go one way from here. Think yourself lucky he’s shown his true colours and take note. I know it seems like a big reaction to small thing, but believe me this is the tip of the abusive iceberg. Flowers

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 08/01/2021 21:56

How long have you been together?

JaceLancs · 08/01/2021 21:56

I would be considering ending it now
Too many red flags
I once had someone tell me I didn’t hold his hand ‘properly’ WTAF
He is now an ex

Aquamarine1029 · 08/01/2021 21:57

I would be moving out as soon as possible.

Yogapoga123 · 08/01/2021 21:58

Red flag. He sounds impatient and unreasonable. May have been an off moment but these things often don’t get better, they just increase in frequency. I’d be looking and listening carefully to see how he acts.

Eckhart · 08/01/2021 21:59

It looks like he was already upset about something before you set out? You were passive aggressive to suggest that holding your hand would solve the problem of you not walking fast enough for him.
But aside from that, and even if he was already upset, that's no way to treat you.

Is he usually respectful towards you? If he's upset you and is minimising your feelings, the last thing you want to do is join in with him by minimising your feelings too. Your feelings are valid and should be respected. 'Winding your neck in' is about how you behave, not how you feel.

YouBoughtMeAWall · 08/01/2021 21:59

He told me there was no way he could have hurt me and I was making a drama out of it.

The only appropriate response to hearing you’ve hurt someone is “I’m sorry”.

Someone who says “no way, not possible, you’re a drama queen” has contempt for you and shouldn’t be someone you share your safe spaces with.

Chamomileteaplease · 08/01/2021 21:59

On the one hand it sounds like you are spending far too much time together in lockdown and are not using a walk to get away from each other, rather even doing that together. Hence he doesn't want to hold your hand because he is feeling hemmed in.

However, his reaction was violent and nasty and unless he sees that he is getting shitty and dealing badly with it, then it's not looking good for you.

Westiegirl3 · 08/01/2021 22:00

How long have you been together... I would be comfortable with his reaction and would seriously looks at moving out...

Rainbowshine · 08/01/2021 22:01

He’s an arsehole. He won’t admit his behaviour was wrong, he won’t recognise it as such. It will only get worse. Leave now whilst you’re still questioning it, before this treatment becomes normalised, before you are trapped in your mind living with him.

AWeeBit · 08/01/2021 22:03

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

This is the start of it. I’m sorry Sad. Please save yourself any further heartache and leave him ASAP. They all start like this - a slightly too hard squeeze, a push or shove, the silent treatment to punish you when you tell them that they hurt you. It won’t get better, it will only go one way from here. Think yourself lucky he’s shown his true colours and take note. I know it seems like a big reaction to small thing, but believe me this is the tip of the abusive iceberg. Flowers
Agreed. Move out, asap.
Original poster
youcanthandlethetruth · 08/01/2021 22:07

Yes I can see that perhaps I was passive aggressive in suggesting he hold my hand. Part of me feels like I brought his reaction on myself

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 08/01/2021 22:18

Nah his behaviour wasnt ok. Theres no excuse for hurting your gf. Theres no excuse for then calling her a drama queen either.

I agree it sounds like he was angry about something and taking it out on you. He'd be on very thin ice now if it were me.

How long did you know him before moving in with him?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 08/01/2021 22:28

Ah yes. That’s the next step - blaming yourself and thinking you deserved it. You didn’t.

If he’s not a hand holder, fine. If he wants you to walk more quickly, well I guess he has a right to mention it.

You suggesting that if he wants you to keep up he could hold your hand might elicit a sarcastic “oh ha ha. Yes I know” eye-rolling type of answer from most people at worst. For him to physically manhandle you to prove his point (and coincidentally make you Never want to hold his hand again) is totally unacceptable.

Toocold · 08/01/2021 22:30

You did NOT bring on that action yourself, that was him! You don’t deserve to be hurt!

furrycat1978 · 08/01/2021 22:47

Dear OP; these are all red flags, just as other posters have said. Been in your shoes... know exactly what you’re walking into. Went a little cold reading your post, to be honest. Turn round and run the other way.

You are not in the wrong, you’ve done nothing wrong, this is not your fault. Get out, take care of yourself; let this remain as a short sharp lesson on listening to your gut... don’t let it be the start of the worst relationship of your life.

Be strong and kind to yourself.... get some real life support to talk all this through.

You will not be breaking any rules of lockdown by leaving and going to stay in a safe place.

💐

YouBoughtMeAWall · 08/01/2021 22:48

You’re not allowed to touch him on a walk, but you’re expected to keep pace with him and be as close to him as he decides you should be, yet he won’t alter his pace to ensure you can meet his distance requirements.

Sounds like a lifetime of you being in the wrong. Who the hell wants that? Bin him off.

ilikemethewayiam · 08/01/2021 22:49

He complained you were walking too slowly for him? He was clearly in a foul mood before you set out. He found a reason to vent his mood on you. This is a huge red flag OP. I agree with PP who say this is the beginning. I was in an abusive marriage and this was just how it started, Irritability, impatience and moodiness. You will soon be tiptoeing around him and walking on eggshells. You will start modifying your behaviour so as not to upset or trigger his moods. If you try to discuss it with him, he will gaslight you or convince you it was your fault. If I was in your shoes OP I would walk away now.

TheSilveryPussycat · 08/01/2021 22:54

My ex always walked in front of me, somehow I could never quite catch up.

My Lovely Man slows down to my pace.

Cakequeen1988 · 08/01/2021 23:00

Why would it be your fault?

Ask yourself would you have done the same and would you do this to someone else? I very much doubt you would!

MilkMoon · 08/01/2021 23:01

I find holding hands and walking with someone whose pace is slower than mine wildly irritating, but that doesn’t remotely excuse his aggressive response.

Had you been together long before you moved in together? It sounds from Mn Relationships as if a whole lot of people moved in together way too quickly because of Covid.

Regularsizedrudy · 08/01/2021 23:05

So now he’s got his feet under the table he is criticising you, when you object he gets physical and embarrasses you, when you point that out he gaslights you by saying he couldn’t possibly have hurt you (how would he know that?). I’m sorry op but these are classic red flags. You did nothing wrong, he’s not a nice person.