Dating at 40 with 2 kids - How not to get attached

[liska5]

Ladies, I need some advice. I’ve been married twice and now living on my own with two lovely kids. With my previous relationships, it happened naturally - the first one I met at uni, the second one at work. So we had plenty of time to get to know each other in a social setting before dating and then again, during dating we’d constantly be around each other. But now with Covid, I’m not even going out so I started using dating sites. I live in Switzerland and only recently they closed all venues here. Before they did, I met a guy, a lovely guy. We’ve had a few dates and I’ve become emotionally attached to him - to the point that I’ve started picturing him as part of my life. That’s way too early and I get it. But I don’t know how not to get so attached! I like him, and I want to spend time with him. Anyway, recently he freaked out and said I was moving too fast. And I agree that I am - but I don’t want to be. I want to take things slow - it’s Covid, we don’t see each other much anyway, I’ve got kids, I don’t know him well yet, plenty of reasons. But I need a plan. What do I do? He texted me today saying he wanted to rewind and take things slow, get to know each other. I don’t know how to proceed - I guess I really suck at dating! Does ‘taking it slow’ mean I reply with just a few words? Or reply tomorrow? Or wait five days and then say something positive? I’ve read books on dating and being an independent woman and all that but I’m at a loss. I don’t want to play texting games. Shouldn’t it all be natural? Why can’t I just text him when I think about him? I mean, I know I can’t because I’ll seem needy - but that’s all playing games then, isn’t it? So when do I get back to him? How do I proceed to still show that I’m interested in getting to know him but taking things slow? Should I indeed wait several days before replying - and won’t he just forget me by then?

Ok,so take it slow is a mindset not exact rules about days or hours
It practically means yes chat with men but don’t hum wedding March after 1 online date
It’s not about few words or reading books or being a sassy independent woman. It’s about being you, but sensible you
Don’t day dream or get all bridey be sensible, take precautions
Get a new email address and for dating,don’t use your regular RL phone or email

You should just be yourself.
Why are you trying to rush things, is it covid?
If you feel your rushing and don't want to be - you need to ask yourself why.

If that's just your personality and are enjoying someone's company and you've got the early butterfly stages enjoy it - it's suppose to be fun! If he's not reciprocating then he's probably not for you.

Is he making you think that your rushing or is that coming from you?

It means don't put all your eggs in one basket. Far too many women do this, hanging onto what a new man wants when he's not (as yet, at least) committed to you. Talking to other men online may take your mind off him. Don't make him your be all and end all, after all it doesn't sound as if you are his. How old is this man anyway? If he's over 40 and doesn't know what he wants or wants to slow things down, you'd best get a timeline from him so you're not hanging around

To be honest, I thought we were on the same page but suddenly he freaked out. We had a few real dates and he was texting me a few times a day, nice, flirty, affectionate texts, and phone calls too. And then we were supposed to meet again - not easy to arrange to begin with, when I have two kids - and he cancelled the morning of the day. He cancelled and said we are rushing it, so we ended up in a stupid argument. Anyway... now he’s asking to rewind and take it slow. Get to know each other. But that’s the thing - I thought we were getting to know each other, and meeting once a week, talking on the phone a couple of times a week, texting a few times a day was all part of it. Yes, I was getting emotionally attached and was expecting his texts and was smiling when I heard from him. So what now - is it his roundabout way of breaking up? Or if he really wants to take things even slower, what do I do?

Thanks! Just replied below...

The guy is over 40, yes. He’s single, no kids, never been married. First he said he was totally fine that I had kids but I think that he’s now thinking that I’ll force him to change his lifestyle and suddenly become a step daddy or something. I don’t want to seem like I’m pressuring him, I really don’t. I do want to take things slow too. I just don’t know how.

You do know how to take it slow you just don’t want to.
Change your mindset.

No, I really don’t. I thought that dating once a week was slow enough. So how would you do it?

And then we were supposed to meet again - not easy to arrange to begin with, when I have two kids - and he cancelled the morning of the day. He cancelled and said we are rushing it, so we ended up in a stupid argument

My advice is to Move on from him. I mean this with kindness because I’ve been you (i.e. putting up with rubbish treatment & dancing to a man’s tune ... never again). The book ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ is excellent. I recommend you read it, absorb it and move on from this man. 😊

Honestly I think it sounds like he wants to keep his options open and would suggest you do likewise for the time being.

I'd be inclined to just message him back along the lines of 'okay, let me know when you fancy meeting up for a walk/coffee' and just leave the ball back in his court.

Then distract yourself in whatever way works best, chat to some other guys online, whatever. You're not doing anything wrong by talking to different men, even if this one happens to be your favourite.

Its a mindset Lisa,don’t over invest in a man,make sure feeling is reciprocated he’s saying it’s too fast hear that as a statement .you’re not on the same page.
He might be yanking your chain, he wants strings free fun. He’s definitely mucking you about,all the chopping and changing

Any slower than once a week is not at all!
I've also been here, it's not nice.
When you meet someone and you like them and you are hopeful.
You keep saying you've got emotionally attached, like it's a bad thing - you're suppose to!!
I've had someone play me along for months and then said I wanted too much - he pursued me and everything was initiated by him. It was also after I'd got divorced and it really messed with my head. I thought i was going crazy - I wasn't he completely manipulated me.

Anyone that dared to cancel on me wouldn't get a second chance.
It doesn't even sound like your were rushing anything, seeing him once a week isn't exactly OTT. Nah bin him

Thanks. Maybe indeed he’s just toying with me. It does seem like he just wants to maintain the same lifestyle as when he was single, just with some fun on the side.

About getting emotionally attached - I wish I could just date several men, I really do. But somehow when I meet someone I really like, I start imagining us together and can’t be interested in anyone else. I know it’s wrong - I don’t know the guy etc etc - I’m just saying that it just happens. I get all happy and think that this is it - and then it doesn’t work out. I would very much prefer not to get so attached! And then there’s this stupid worry of staying alone, ie thinking that I’m 40 and so on, I know it’s irrational but it is there. Sigh...

You're putting your happiness into someone else's hands / control.

You need to be happy within yourself, you probably have low self esteem.
When you're happy in yourself you don't attach to people so quickly.

No, I don’t have low self-esteem and I am happy within myself. But is it wrong to also want to have someone there who I can talk to if I had a bad day? Watch a movie with? Share a laugh with? I don’t think it’s wrong and that’s why there are relationships. Yes, I do want a relationship, especially having been recently divorced (it’s been more than a year). But if with every new man I’ll be playing texting games and trying to adjust my behaviour to be in the same page, that actually makes me want to forget about men altogether. I doubt I’ll ever meet a guy serendipitously, the world isn’t a romcom. But meeting someone online and suddenly having to obey some weird dating rules just doesn’t appeal to me at all.

I know where you're coming from, it's really hard to adjust to dating again and feeling like you're second guessing yourself and anyone you meet all the time.

There's nothing wrong with wanting someone in your life, but a year post-divorce isn't a really long time.

My marriage broke down in July '16 and I thought I'd be at least dating within a year. I ended up living with my parents for nearly 2 years, then enjoying having my own place, then we had some fairly hard-core family stuff to deal with so it's never happened.

Then in August I got talking to a guy online and in September I got talking to another one. Had a bit of tag team situation going for a few months, ditched No2 (basically a virtual FWB) and still in touch with No1 but couldn't put a label on it if I tried! We talk most days sometimes for hours, have lots in common, and our chat gets very flirty at times, but he's three hours away and considerably younger.

It's been a steep learning curve but I've learned to detach a bit (I appreciate it's probably easier when you've not met in RL) and go with the flow.

Also don't assume it won't happen serendipitously. I didn't meet either of 'my' guys via online dating - No2 was on (another) parenting forum and No1 DM'd me off the back of a shared interest group on FB that we're both members of. I have a couple of mates who met their long term partner/husbands the same way.

I'm 45 btw

fwiw OP I think you should move on from him too. I know it's hard when you've gotten attached but I went through a string of guys who kept implying we were "moving too fast" when in fact I saw them once a fortnight if that! At the time I blamed myself but looking back I was actually in no way full on and they just didn't want to commit and were too cowardly or lazy to be upfront about it. When I met my now-bf we knew almost instantly that we wanted to be together and would spend/still do spend hours texting and talking on the phone and playing games online together (we are semi-long distance, an hour by plane, but moving in together next month). It never felt "rushed" or "forced" or anything like that, we just both enjoyed each other's company so much we always wanted to be talking and interacting as much as we could. It was a revelation to me after a couple of years of dating non-starters who were frankly sometimes apathetic to my company. You can get really in your head and start wondering what the "acceptable" amount of texting is or whatever but, cliché as it is, when you find someone right for you you won't need to worry about any of that at all. Good luck OP

Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you
That’s from the book I already recommended: He’s Just Not That Into You. I donated my copy to the library but I remember so much from it - it’s almost the only dating book any heterosexual woman needs to read to date successfully and with respect. This guy really deserves to hear ‘I’ve had a great time with you but I think we should both move on. The very best of luck and do take care of yourself.’

I know he’s not an a-hole but the more we put up with substandard behaviour, the shittier certain men behave.

When someone says they want to take it slow it signals to you they are not on the same page as you at the moment.
You need to step back. Let him set the pace by texting you first then you will know what he expects.
Taking it slow could mean he just wants occasionally dates right now and not anything more. He's certainly not ready for any commitment and that you're exclusive.
I would concentrate on busying yourself with other things and let things take their course. If it's meant to grow it will.

Maybe find someone who wants nta to move at the same speed. He sounds tiresome.

If he's 40 and never been in LTR or marriage / no kids, he;s used to his freedom. It doesn't mean he wouldn't want a commited relationship but he obviously is cautious of commitment generally, so he may panic a bit that you'll expect commitment soon.
Personally I've been divorced for ages and I couldn't move too fast afetr being single - even if I really liked someone and tend to attach like you, I'd still tend to pull away a bit at early stages just to pace it.

I wouldn't give up on him but as others said, let him set the pace for a while and if that doesn't make you happy - finish it, but the best scenario would be that he will feel no pressure and will get attached sooner than you think.

@liska5

No, I don’t have low self-esteem and I am happy within myself. But is it wrong to also want to have someone there who I can talk to if I had a bad day? Watch a movie with? Share a laugh with? I don’t think it’s wrong and that’s why there are relationships. Yes, I do want a relationship, especially having been recently divorced (it’s been more than a year). But if with every new man I’ll be playing texting games and trying to adjust my behaviour to be in the same page, that actually makes me want to forget about men altogether. I doubt I’ll ever meet a guy serendipitously, the world isn’t a romcom. But meeting someone online and suddenly having to obey some weird dating rules just doesn’t appeal to me at all.

100% But this guy is making you question yourself - this is not going to end well for you. You are very specific with what you want and when you've communicated that with him your in a tail spin about yourself.

I would back off from him, let yourself enjoy interacting with someone else. You might find someone better!

I grew tired very quickly of the 'dating rules' I couldn't bring myself to play the stupid games as though I was 20 - it was extremely draining.
If at our age you can't have a grown up conversation- especially when you're a parent then its not for me.
I circled this bull shit for a long time so I simply stopped playing.