Dating at 40 with 2 kids - How not to get attached

[liska5]

Ladies, I need some advice. I’ve been married twice and now living on my own with two lovely kids. With my previous relationships, it happened naturally - the first one I met at uni, the second one at work. So we had plenty of time to get to know each other in a social setting before dating and then again, during dating we’d constantly be around each other. But now with Covid, I’m not even going out so I started using dating sites. I live in Switzerland and only recently they closed all venues here. Before they did, I met a guy, a lovely guy. We’ve had a few dates and I’ve become emotionally attached to him - to the point that I’ve started picturing him as part of my life. That’s way too early and I get it. But I don’t know how not to get so attached! I like him, and I want to spend time with him. Anyway, recently he freaked out and said I was moving too fast. And I agree that I am - but I don’t want to be. I want to take things slow - it’s Covid, we don’t see each other much anyway, I’ve got kids, I don’t know him well yet, plenty of reasons. But I need a plan. What do I do? He texted me today saying he wanted to rewind and take things slow, get to know each other. I don’t know how to proceed - I guess I really suck at dating! Does ‘taking it slow’ mean I reply with just a few words? Or reply tomorrow? Or wait five days and then say something positive? I’ve read books on dating and being an independent woman and all that but I’m at a loss. I don’t want to play texting games. Shouldn’t it all be natural? Why can’t I just text him when I think about him? I mean, I know I can’t because I’ll seem needy - but that’s all playing games then, isn’t it? So when do I get back to him? How do I proceed to still show that I’m interested in getting to know him but taking things slow? Should I indeed wait several days before replying - and won’t he just forget me by then?

Well then you keep positive and active until you meet 'The One'.
I don't know how you can just calculate how all single men are? Men aren't all the same.

Yes this man could well feel you're moving too fast as it seems (from what and how you write) you think you're in the Last Chance Saloon, and you're pinning all your hopes on him. That can be overwhelming and of course, cause someone to shy away.

I married and divorced, focused on raising my children, met a few crap men along the way (dabbled in online dating too and found it soul-destroying) then took a break from men. I didn't want my life to revolve around finding a relationship, especially at a time when DCs were moving onto secondary school and college etc.

I met 'The One' at 50 (not via online dating) and almost 7 years later we are still happy together. Also our respective DCs are grown up so it's much easier having a relationship in the circumstances.

Not saying it should or will be the same for you. Just an example that you never know what the future holds.

He's got a perfect life style - not married, no kids, no commitments, no responsibilitys, a career e.t.c,he can probably see the lifestyle he would have with you unfortunately with in 4-5 years you might be living together and he will have to play step dad to your children if your all living under the same roof, you can't really blame him for wanting to keep things slow, it's not something I would personally want from a long term relationship, I would want someone on the same page as myself and you have said it your self you find it hard to find time to date with a coupe of kids in tow, where he has alot of free time on his hands and can do what he wants when he wants with no restrictions or having to find child care arrangements, I'm sorry but you are both at different life stages, don't feel to disheartened if he just wants a bit of fun on the side.

Hi all. Not sure how many of you lovely ladies who have given me advice will read this but I hope some will. So the dude has just messaged me, saying he’s thinking about me. He last messaged me on Friday about taking it slow and I didn’t reply, didn’t want to at all. I didn’t think I’d hear from him, but now he’s resurfaced. I do like the guy but I definitely don’t want to make a wrong move and seem needy - I really want him to start showing real interest if he wants to be with me. And then I’d judge. I’m totally calm about it - I do like him but at this stage he really has to prove himself. What do you think I should say, if anything?

Why not tell him how disappointed you were that he backed out, ask why.

I think he's still checking you are still there. I'm in a similar situation though, it's hard.

I'm not sure what you should say but interested in the replies to this.

Too much drama too soon op. You talk about being emotionally invested but the truth is you barely know him. His message suggests either you're being clingy af (overtexting?) or more likely, he does not want a relationship. He wants to play the field and keep you as an option.

I mean you have been seeing him but he isnt officially your bf right? So really feelings shouldnt even enter into it atm. I know lockdown is making meeting difficult but if you dont know where u stand with a guy within 4 month (absolute max) then he really doesn't want a relationship with you.

You shouldnt have to second guess yourself with the right man. It should just flow. He is not the one for you. And I agree with pp, you should look to date other men, the very reason you find it hard to do this is the very reason that you should. It'll give you an idea of the level of appropriate closeness and dating ediquite and stop you fixating on one guy.

I wouldn’t reply. He’s making you sit and wait. It’s just not right. He’s probably speaking to other women. It’s all on his terms which is a dangerous place to be. I’d just ignore it. Invest in speaking to other people.

Thanks, all. I def don’t want to ask why he did it - don’t want to get into any explanations and actually don’t really care that much. I did reply though. He said he’s thinking about me and the weather today is sunny where he is. (Profound!) So I said, yeah, it’s beautiful weather where I am, too. That’s it. I hope he doesn’t reply, tbh - and if he does, I honestly no longer care. Your responses have really helped put this situation into perspective. I’m so over him. And no, he wasn’t my bf yet, by a long shot. So it makes it even easier.

@DeeCeeCherry

It means don't put all your eggs in one basket. Far too many women do this, hanging onto what a new man wants when he's not (as yet, at least) committed to you. Talking to other men online may take your mind off him. Don't make him your be all and end all, after all it doesn't sound as if you are his. How old is this man anyway? If he's over 40 and doesn't know what he wants or wants to slow things down, you'd best get a timeline from him so you're not hanging around

This 100%

"Taking it slow" could be an innocent comment if you've been letting it show you're super into him and he's unsure about you (never a good idea to come across as overly keen to a guy and be too available in the early stages as they then take you for granted!!).

However often it's a code word for "i don't necessarily see a future with you (or possibly any women right now) but since I can see you're really into me, I want to keep you hanging so you I can get easy sex from you in the meantime, but don't complain because I've basically told you not to expect any sort of commitment from me anytime soon".

Bit of a different tone to your last post. Never mind if you don't see him as your bf then neither of you owe the other anything . He was free to back out, you're free to speak to him or not.

Well, I thought we were heading towards a relationship, yes, but no, he wasn’t my bf yet, I wouldn’t say that. We went on a few dates. I really did think he was an amazing guy though so I was indeed pretty upset. Didn’t expect him to message me again - but now that I replied in a very neutral way about the weather, I’m pretty certain he’ll just stop there. And that’s for the best. I don’t want to drag this on any longer...

@Wanderlusto you are so right, it should just flow! Definitely holding on to that one!!

Grrrr how annoying for you op! I thinking the others are right - he's just keeping a check to measure if you're a option.

I do wonder what he meant by getting back to learning about each other - wheren't you doing just that? What else where you doing, in his opinion?

That’s what I don’t get either. Of course it was just an excuse. That’s why I was certain that if I stop messaging him, he’d disappear. But he messaged this ‘I’m thinking about you, the weather is nice’ message yesterday. I think folks on here are right and he’s just checking if I’m still an option for him. Well - my reply ‘Oh hi, the weather is beautiful here too’ can do two things. Either he’ll write again if he really meant it when he said he wanted to take things slow. Or more likely he won’t write ever again and this is an answer in itself. I’ll keep you guys posted. I’m disappointed but better to forget about him now than to have a really broken heart later...

Are you both 40(ish) really? Not teenagers?

What do you know about his past? It sounds like neither of you are really up to relationships just now. If he's 40 and never married or had a serious relationship it'll be scary, same as you venturing out into the world of relationships again.

You say he is your boyfriend then you say he isn't your boyfriend, did you ask how he sees you and discussed how your relationship was progressing. Did he see you as a long term partner or as a 'friend'. Do you know if he was actively looking for someone else while with you?

If he gets in touch either tell him you're no longer interested or ask what's happening. Don't be a prat letting him text and then having a school girls giggle about it.

Wise approach OP.
I wish I could have had your strength when I was going through this. At the time I had low self esteem and confidence and the man in question broke me.
It was an awful experience.