Dating at 40 with 2 kids - How not to get attached

[liska5]

Ladies, I need some advice. I’ve been married twice and now living on my own with two lovely kids. With my previous relationships, it happened naturally - the first one I met at uni, the second one at work. So we had plenty of time to get to know each other in a social setting before dating and then again, during dating we’d constantly be around each other. But now with Covid, I’m not even going out so I started using dating sites. I live in Switzerland and only recently they closed all venues here. Before they did, I met a guy, a lovely guy. We’ve had a few dates and I’ve become emotionally attached to him - to the point that I’ve started picturing him as part of my life. That’s way too early and I get it. But I don’t know how not to get so attached! I like him, and I want to spend time with him. Anyway, recently he freaked out and said I was moving too fast. And I agree that I am - but I don’t want to be. I want to take things slow - it’s Covid, we don’t see each other much anyway, I’ve got kids, I don’t know him well yet, plenty of reasons. But I need a plan. What do I do? He texted me today saying he wanted to rewind and take things slow, get to know each other. I don’t know how to proceed - I guess I really suck at dating! Does ‘taking it slow’ mean I reply with just a few words? Or reply tomorrow? Or wait five days and then say something positive? I’ve read books on dating and being an independent woman and all that but I’m at a loss. I don’t want to play texting games. Shouldn’t it all be natural? Why can’t I just text him when I think about him? I mean, I know I can’t because I’ll seem needy - but that’s all playing games then, isn’t it? So when do I get back to him? How do I proceed to still show that I’m interested in getting to know him but taking things slow? Should I indeed wait several days before replying - and won’t he just forget me by then?

Indeed. Dating games suck. But I’m not sure I believe the ‘there’s certainly someone out there for you’ formula. Especially now with Covid - I’m working from home, everything is closed, so not bumping into anyone new like, ever. Of course, I do believe the world will go back to normal soon but trying online dating and failing again and again is discouraging. Maybe some of us ladies are pros in it, but to me it feels like I’m shopping for a dress on Zalando. I look at the picture, read the profile, then we meet once - and if we both want to meet again, texting games begin. If I really like the guy, I want to be able to contact him without second-guessing myself and worrying if he’ll think I’m being too much simply because I sent him 5 texts and not 3, or I replied straight away and didn’t wait 3h. This is so aggravating. Yes, I get it, we don’t know each other - but if we don’t spend much time together daily naturally - like, at work or whatever - isn’t texting and calling an alternative? There are all these books and online advice on ‘texting the guy correctly’, ‘keeping the guy’, ‘being a high value woman’ and all that. Christ. It just seems so unnatural! But maybe this is what today’s world is about and I’ve been out of the dating scene for too long to notice the change...

I think everything you are saying is correct and what I believe to be 'normal'.
Covid has brought so much loneliness to us single parents.
I have really struggled, from a singleton perspective and a single parent.
The online dating stuff for me i find extremely draining and now feel that it is a complete waste of my time. from my experience men are looking for hook ups - which served its purpose for me when I became newly single.
When you're looking for a relationship it's slim pickings with dating apps and a lottery win to match with someone that 1. You like and 2. Looking for the same thing as you.
I've nipped on the apps over covid just to have a conversation with someone but it never went further than the course of that evening.
I think with covid restrictions morale is down and you don't want to spend the time getting to know someone over apps / phones to then when you finally get an opportunity to meet you find the chemistry isn't there or it's just not right.

I completely understand where you're at. It's a really difficult to manoeuvre through this time when we don't know how long we're going to be like this. It's been nearly a year, which is crazy considering we were only suppose to live with restrictions for a few weeks.

Single parenting is a very lonely world but don't get discouraged by the attitude of this man.
If he requires things to go slower than they already are I wouldn't waste your time expecting him to want to pick up the pace.
It's a very simple process - he should want to see you, he's trying to make you responsible for him not wanting to see you which is pretty cowardly. He should have the balls to say he's not interested rather than having you on a hook for if and when he pleases.

Sorry OP, it is pretty rubbish. 'Take it slow' or dating 'rules' in my mind should just mean approximately mirroring the other persons effort, so if they text/call you do similar next. Avoid chasing or 'double texting'. Cancelling a date on the day is rude and I would leave it there tbh, its not like he cancelled due to being ill etc

I think in current lockdown it can feel incredibly lonely, especially if wfh as a single parent. Are you allowed a support bubble?

IF this relationship was a goer of course you wouldn't have to consider if it was reasonable to contact him or leave it for a few hours or days whatever.

It's not natural and it doesn't feel right because it's not right.

Speaking as someone who knew a very similar person to how you have described him, and having a very similar relationship, I would say he has backed off because he ultimately doesn't want to change his very easy solo lifestyle and have a committed relationship and the hassle and complications (as he would view it) of someone else's children.

If you are going to continue with this on 'his' terms, be warned.

He cancelled and said we are rushing it, so we ended up in a stupid argument

Why did you argue with him? It's perfectly reasonable for him to slow down, either he isn't just into you or he genuinely felt you were too full on.

It's not unreasonable to want someone who will love and support you but that takes time, lots of time, months and even years.

What work have you done to understand why the 2 marriages didn't work? Being alone and not feeling lonely is a similar to a muscle you have to build.

Thank you, everyone. Yes, indeed, my gut tells me to just forget about this guy. So I haven’t replied anything to his ‘let’s take it slow’ message. I am kinda torn because I do like the guy... so that’s not easy. Let me share with you an edited version of his last message: “We have to rewind and take it slow and just enjoy the time together and learn each other better, our situations, our difficulties, our expectations, dreams.” Oh btw - he lives in another city, 1,5h away by train, can’t remember if I mentioned. So... should I just keep radio silence after this and see how he proposes to do this? Or reply something? I mean, I don’t really want to reply, tbh, that’s why I’m ok posting it here. If I thought I could just get back to him without-guessing myself, I would. But I have no idea what to reply and whether to reply. This situation is making me so sad.

Oh one more thing. I’m one of those people who feels compelled to answer every message - if I don’t, I feel it’s just rude, so I feel super awkward. As I said, I haven’t answered his message about taking it slow. His message makes me sad. I don’t want to answer. But there’s a part of me that thinks that maybe he is a great guy, maybe he genuinely wants to take it slow, and if I don’t answer, all of this will just stop and he won’t message again. So I am at a loss. What would you do? Should I message anything back or not at all and just see how he behaves?

His message isn't unreasonable-
But there is a lot of obstacles to overcome, with distance, lockdown etc.
Getting to know someone at the best of times is difficult but stick a train journey and pandemic in the mix it's going to be a struggle.

@Techway made a good point about what you have learnt from your two previous marriages and what work you have done on yourself.

I took a step back and went into therapy and really had to accept some hard truths about my behaviour.

If you don't want to reply, don't reply.
Or if you do like him and want to see what happens let me take the lead. You'll be quick to find out whether he likes you or not.

@Techway
Slow down? They're still on a slow walk.

In my view, there is nothing wrong with being yourself and saying how you feel. You don't have to impress him or tailor your reply to him. You are who you are.

If it was me (and of course it's not), I would be polite and honest and say something along the lines of:

I think it would be best for both of us to leave it here. It doesn't feel right or natural to me anymore and I wish you well for the future.

You don't need to justify yourself more than that. If he's intelligent which I'm sure he is, he will see exactly why.

It is sad when you can see potential in someone, but you cannot change people, and thankfully you've not wasted too long to be blunt.

Oh one more thing. I’m one of those people who feels compelled to answer every message - if I don’t, I feel it’s just rude, so I feel super awkward. As I said, I haven’t answered his message about taking it slow. His message makes me sad

I’m Just like you OP: conscientious & vigilant & I feel I have to reply to messages etc. I’ll say to you what a therapist said to me: ‘How do YOU feel? It doesn’t matter how he feels. Don’t do his thinking for him.’ What matters is how YOU feel OP. This early in a relationship & you’re already on MN analysing his words & behaviour....what does that tell you?

If the advice I gave upthread doesn’t fly (about He’s Just Not That Into You) then my alternative advice is to be completely honest with him about how YOU feel & just see where things land. You’ve nothing to lose & who cares! You’re so focused on him that even I’m not sure from your posts exactly what you want & feel. It’s so easy to recognise as I’ve been there & it never ended well.

OP I have just read your last post.

I might be wrong but IMHO, I think it would be like he would have control in this 'relationship.'

To me you would be playing to his tune and that's not natural.

But having said that, it was my personal experience with someone that seems very similar to him, so hence why I am so negative regarding your position.

Others might be right about slowing down (even more) - who really knows how this will pan-out, but go with your gut not other peoples.

Thanks, everyone. I’ll see what happens, I suppose. I mean, in his message that I’ve shared, there’s no question so I don’t have to reply as there’s nothing to reply to. I could write something lame such as ‘Yes, let’s take it slow, I agree,’ but what’s the point? I suppose if this guy wants to be in touch, he’ll contact me again himself. If he won’t - that will tell me plenty. And I’m too disappointed in all of this now anyway to message him. I don’t think I will - and I guess he probably won’t, either. Because in my gut I feel that he just said it to stop our early dating before it got too serious. If I didn’t feel it, I wouldn’t have started this post. So... yeah. I just hope I will one day meet a guy who will be ok with me messaging him, and will message me back - happily so. And if I don’t... unlike some people who answered my post have suggested here, I’m ok with that. I have two beautiful kids, a great career, a puppy and a cat, I’ve moved to Switzerland recently where I don’t even speak the language and have zero support network, and I’m doing pretty ok. I have a beautiful home and I can enjoy a glass of wine in the evening all by myself. I really don’t need some man to tell me to ‘slow down’ after a few weeks of dating - when we’ve only been seeing each other once a week and having a couple of phone calls a week. Oh - he also didn’t appreciate when I told him he couldn’t stay overnight because I wanted to introduce him to my kids first when the time was right. Him saying he’d stay over as a matter of fact surprised the heck out of me. Anyway... I’m disappointed that I really, really liked this guy but clearly he didn’t like me the same way. I hope that one day I’ll meet someone I’ll line just this much and it’ll be reciprocal.

If I were you I would reply with @OhDearMuriel response -

I think it would be best for both of us to leave it here. It doesn't feel right or natural to me anymore and I wish you well for the future.

• as that way you are taking back some control with dignity and kindness (to yourself as well as him) and bringing it to an end, instead of it dangling for ages and tying you up in knots wondering if he will text again. There is no point replying that you agree about going slower, when you do not, and any slower is basically nothing anyway. Wishing you all the best, these thing are horrible.

I'm glad you haven't spend too much time wasting away on his dangling.
It's took me months, near enough a year to see the intent of the bloke who was messing me around and he was playing me from day one.
I was just extremely vulnerable at the time, and everyone on here was telling me to get rid.
It is soooooo disappointing.
When I finally plucked up the courage to ask him what was going on between us he blocked me!! I was completely devastated.
So good for you!

He asked you to slow down yet he was the one pushing to stay the night in your home! Yuck is the word that springs to mind. Get some closure & kindly move on

@samb80

You’re well rid. The crap we put up with (I’ve been in your exact position). No more!

I don’t like that he just assumed he could stay over rather than taking things slowly with regards to your kids. To me, that more than anything, shows a fundamental lack of understanding about your situation and responsibilities as a single mother.

That, added to the rest, indicates to me you are on very different pages and I think it’s best to leave this one be.

As for slowing things down what you describe doesn’t sound unreasonable in terms of contact and dating time in person. Plus the whole get to know each other better thing i find hard to understand - surely you have been doing that while going on these initial dates?

However, to add - for some people daily text contact and an in person date and 2-3 phone calls a week IS a lot of contact.

On some of my busier weeks that might be too much for me actually, but i’d not say it was ‘moving too fast’ only that I needed more space with no contact, like some contact free days.

This may be the case for him and he’s worded it badly, but what you need to consider is if less contact than you currently have now would work for you? If not, this is a no go.

You've got children, he hasn't. Its a big thing. He's freaking out a bit at the prospect of involvement in a relationship where there are children.

If you want to be with him you need to let him get his head around kids. I don't know how old the kids are but its probably a big change for him whatever age.

Maybe you need someone who already has kids and knows what to expect.

Indeed. I’ve got kids, he’s single. Even though he told me that he didn’t mind at all that I had kids, him asking me to stay over was a major red flag. It’s sad when it happens, as I actually really liked the guy. I don’t feel like writing anything to him, and he hasn’t written anything either. I think this will just end this way, or already has. And I so don’t want to go through a similar experience again - i hope I will one day meet a guy with whom I’ll be on the same page from day one.

Why was him asking you to stay over a major red flag?

Because he knew I had kids and he hasn’t been introduced. I politely explained that I would have to introduce him first - I can’t just bring a guy over who’d stay overnight. After that conversation, he cancelled our date.

I thought you meant that you'd stayed over with him rather than him stopping over with you. Sounds like he wasn't ready for that yet.

@Readingandrighting absolutely! Never again.

@liska5 what a tool.
I don't see why you having kids would bother him, especially when he said so. At our age you would expect people to have been married / children. I'd be more curious if they hadn't.
Of course you were not going to let him stay over before introducing him to you kids and then getting to know each other.
Sounds like you've done the right thing.
He was seeing how far he could push you, blokes seem to think that singles mothers are desperate and will bend over backwards for a bloke. What they fail to realise is there's plenty of them about!!

Thank you. Yes, there are plenty of men about but I can’t help but think that now that I’m 40 and with 2 kids, I have a better chance winning a lottery than finding an awesome guy with whom I’d just click. Online, many guys indeed seem to be interested in hookups, even if they mention ‘relationship’ in their profile. I mean, this guy I met - we connected instantly. We had a few amazing dates, just taking about stuff for hours. But then reality set in. Yeah, we live 1,5h train journey away. Yeah, I’ve got kids. And he’s a single guy who loves the outdoors. I mean, it’s Switzerland, so most of people here do - but when it’s me and my kids, we may go sledging or skiing on an occasional weekend. He, on the other hand, works Mon-Thursday and is out snowshoeing or hiking every single Friday and weekend. There’s probably no way he’d happily ever share childcare with me, thinking ahead, or even be happy that I wouldn’t be able to just go places as easily as he does. Sigh. And it’s probably going to be like this with many single men. So the pool of guys where I might or might not one day stumble across an amazing guy I’ll adore is actually not that huge...