Terrible admission but I'm not sure I like my mother very much

[honestappraisal]

Mumsnet regular but a namechanger because this feels like a shocking thing to admit.

DM is elderly now, 83 with Parkinson's, and so she is frail and quite dependent on me and that will increasingly become the case in the coming years. Thing is, I have these epiphanies now and again and realise that i just don't like her very much. It's not her fault, she had a difficult childhood - privileged family but she was not really wanted and was sent off to boarding school at a young age, her mother (my grandmother) was essentially very depressed and took to her bed and treated DM very unkindly. Anyway, my childhood and youth were full of these stories but she has always taken an absolutely obsessive and controlling interest in my life: trying to chose my clothes, needing to know everything, always boasting about my "achievements" and whatnot to other people, which I've always found absolutely excruciating, delighting to hear when boys/men were interested in me etc. For years she would greet me with the words "you need to put some make-up on" or tell me my clothes looked drab or bang on about how I was too thin until one day I snapped and then she stopped.

I'm handling the sale of her flat and purchase of a new one near us so I can help look after her and it has been a massive job at a time when everyone is really stretched, I take care of all her admin, try to call her every day but it's like she can't get enough of me, it's almost impossible to get off the phone from her and almost every time we speak she'll tell me she "needs cheering up". I find her manipulative and self-absorbed and incredibly gloomy, she finds it so hard to see the positive in anything and will leave cryptic voicemails saying things like 'there's something important I need to fill you in on' and it will be some news about someones diabetes.

I've never questioned her love for me, I know she loves me and my brother to bits and made countless sacrifices for us, but that love has tended to manifest itself in the past either by being obsessed with knowing my every move or by her just buying me things and that has always felt like bondage because she just wants me to be grateful for stuff I never asked for and seeming wounded if I'm not enthusiastic enough. She is SO needy and it's exhausting, and though she loves my DC I can't stand the way our conversations about them always turn to what they've achieved recently, exam grades etc and I know she's just collecting information to pass on to others like some badge of honour.

I really put off calling her and I'm increasingly dreading the time in the very near future when she will be living around the corner and I'll have to see her every day. But most of all I just feel terrible guilt about feeling this way about my mother, she'll die some day soon and I'll feel absolutely awful about not treasuring her more.

And maybe I'm being totally unfair, perhaps I've just forgotten all the good, charming things about her. Lots of people feel she is absolutely wonderful and thoughtful but I think their experience of her is quite different from mine.

I don't know I'm looking for posting here, I just had another maddening conversation with her this morning and was confronted with my real feelings about my relationship with her. The thought of her knowing how I feel is so awful but I suppose I just wanted to get it off my chest and find out whether anyone else ever feels this way about their mother or indeed father or someone else who on some level they love and are close to.

Hey op. She sounds very challenging, I wouldn't feel too bad about how you feel. You sound very aware about your feelings and why she is how she is, I'm not sure what else you can do? Could you agree to speak every other day rather than every single day?
Sounds like a very difficult situation in what's already a very difficult time.

actually laughed out loud at your username @IdblowJonSnow

Thanks for your post. It's funny you say that I'm aware of it. I don't think I have been generally, and I'm often very positive about her when I speak to other people. Most people would assume we are close I think. But when I'm really honest with myself I realise how very difficult I find her.

I don't think there is really anything I can do. I can sometimes give myself a break and decide not to pick up the phone I suppose and just pick a time when I'm feeling more ready

I think I am probably quite a bit older than you and hopefully you might gain from the benefit of my experience: you are are NOT obliged to like your mother - any more than you are obliged to like anyone else.

My mother was a challenging woman - like you, I am sure she loved me (although there was little to tell me that!), but she was very hard work indeed. I do understand where her problems come from, but that did not make them any easier to deal with. It just meant that I was able not to blame her for them.

I lugged around this guilt about the fact that I did not like her for decades and frankly it was a waste of energy, emotion and life; and it had profound detrimental effects on my life.

So.........ditch the guilt. It changes nothing and helps no-one.

Do for her what you think you should, but keep your boundaries. You have a life to lead.

Thank you @mischance that really does help. Realise there was a typo in my original post, DM is 81 and I'm 43 and DM has, for better or worse, shaped my life very profoundly. It's useful to be reminded to keep my boundaries.

Not everyone has the sort of mother where they will be able to have a warm and fuzzy relationship that they treasure. Mothers are just women who happen to have children after all, so they come in all the different damaged and difficult shapes and sizes that the rest of people do.

It sounds like you care about her and want to do right by her, which is more important than precious sentiments. Just don't lose yourself in that if it's too suffocating. Like a pp said, maybe cut the contact down to every other day so you get some breathing room. And yes to ditching the guilt - acknowledge how you feel and act kindly in spite of them and you have literally nothing to feel guilty about.

Mothers are just women who happen to have children after all, so they come in all the different damaged and difficult shapes and sizes that the rest of people do.

This is so spot on @TenShortStories and so is the stuff about 'precious sentiments'.

Really appreciate the posts, folks - just the sort of sensible reflections I was after I now realise!

I feel your pain. My mum is 85, she’s still quite independent thank goodness but I dread the time she will need me more. She spent a week with us over Christmas and I was counting the days until she left (I live in Australia so we are able to mix with small numbers of people).

She’s not a bad person. Like you I think there’s a big difference in the way other people perceive her and the way I do. I have a lot of baggage left from my childhood. My father was dreadful and she should have left him but she didn’t. It’s hard to forgive.

She also massively favours my brother and his children but expects more care from me because I’m a woman. It’s infuriating. She needs some work done around her house that is necessary for her safety and I called to arrange a time to visit to do it and she said she had plans to meet someone for lunch that weekend so it wasn’t suitable. If my brother calls she cancels EVERYTHING, including plans with me. I’m trying to help her and I have to work around her social life. Argh!

When my father was dying I found a counsellor and I found it really helpful for working through my feelings about my parents and my childhood. It’s gave me the strength to say no when I need to. I highly recommend speaking to an objective third party. Best wishes.

You’re not obliged to like your mother.She sounds very suffocating.

Your feelings are also valid, you have one life so live it. Say “no” sometimes if you don’t agree/don’t want to do something.

What’s your brother input in caring for your and HIS mother?

Hi, I'm so sorry for what you've going through. I realised I didn't like my mum, who was very needy and manipulative, during counselling and it was a relief to find out that it was ok to feel like that and it helped me see my Mum without taking on responsibility for her worries.
Although you are not a formal carer, a carer you are. These books were/are very helpful to me, not too long and easy to read.
The Selfish Pig's Guide to Caring by Hugh Marriott
Breaking Free of the Drama Triangle by Barry K Weinhold and Janae B Weinhold
I have them on my kindle and mobile and I sometimes look to them when I suspect I'm doing my usual thing of feeling responsible for others feelings! Good luck and look after YOURself.

You're all lovely and I can't tell you how much I appreciate these messages. Mumsnet at it's best :)

@Remaker the situation with your mum and brother sounds really infuriating. I have thought about counselling but there is so much going on at the moment...

@FrenchBoule DB is pretty useless. He had a 3YO with his second wife and seems to be really struggling with managing daily life, I only ever hear from him how difficult it all is. It just always seems to be that this stuff falls to me. DM doesn't help because she probably gives off the vibe that she's more interested in my life than his so she's contributing to the distance between them. I do wish he'd do more though. We also have an elderly aunt (DM's older sister) who I've somehow become responsible for and who is coming to live with us for a month in Feb

@gelert5619 I will look at those books, thank you

has not had re DB

You are not alone. I disliked my mother intensly. She was an emotionally absent control freak for most of her life.
My opinion didn't change when she was diagnosed with mnd and took 5 years to die. It was wonderful when she lost her voice because she could only 'speak' through her ipad, which meant I got a word in sideways.
I did have counselling because I couldn't understand why I was happy that she was dying.
I didn't even go to her funeral.
My mental health, although still shit, is better because she was one of my sh triggers.

@Gingaaarghpussy I'm really sorry, that sounds like a very difficult relationship. thanks for posting

Sympathies op. My mother is the biggest stressor/cause of worry in my life and it has not just been since she got older. This has always been the case, ever since I was a child. I also feel very guilty about these negative feelings and wonder how I will react when she dies - but you never know, maybe it will genuinely be a blessed relief not to dread the phone calls any more? Maybe .

Yes, maybe @Chicchicchicchiclana

Do you have DC? My biggest fear is that mine will feel about me as I do about DM and not want to spend time with me when they are adults

She sounds very like mine, who died (82) of Covid earlier this year. From my own experience, when she dies you probably will feel horrible about your feelings towards her and remember all the good stuff that she did that right now isn't uppermost in your mind. But - and I think this is really important - if you've taken care of her by bringing her to live nearer you (which I never did, having emigrated, though I did come back a lot and put her in a very comfortable care home which she generally liked) you will have that to make yourself feel better. You don't have to like her but if you can be reasonably kind to her, it will be better for you when she goes. Good luck, anyway - it's really hard.

You sound like a lovely person op, don’t worry about how your children see you, you are already much more appealing than your mum to spend time with as you are thinking about it! I bet your mum never worried about that.

I have a difficult mother, it’s hard to see other women have a lovely relationship with their mum, I just try to do it with my daughter instead and use older women friends as a replacement

@Bigpaintinglittlepainting thank you. And I agree older women friends are a wonderful thing

@VeryQuaintIrene thanks for your honesty, it's really helpful. In fact, reading these messages has made me realise that all the practical stuff I do - chasing solicitors, filling out forms, going through boxes and boxes of junk - is partly because it's much easier for me to show I care about her by doing stuff than saying things I don't mean.

Off to post the Power of Attorney forms now! Thank you again for your responses everyone, they've helped enormously

Yes, honestappraisal, I do have children. They are older teens. I already know that we have a much free-er and easier relationship than I ever did with my Mum.

My Mum had a tough upbringing and didn't she like to let everyone know it? She had a terrible, fraught, rocky relationship with her own mother even though she moved her in and let her live with her for more than 10 years. But my childhood is peppered with memories of terrible "atmospheres" between them and my Mum moaning not very discreetly about her mother with her siblings and inlaws.

My children don't know how I feel about my Mum. I keep it to myself. I've lived with it for so long now ... some times I don't mind and feel at peace with it, other days I do have that pang of envy when I see people with close, loving families. Mine is wholly dysfunctional!

Two things:

• My biggest fear is that mine will feel about me as I do about DM and not want to spend time with me when they are adults Worry not; I have 3 adult DDs and they are an absolute delight; loyal, kind and loving. I think I have played my part in that too as I make a point of demanding nothing of them and always being supportive and telling them how proud I am of them.

• I note that you have said you mother has PD. I know a bit about this! My OH, who died in February, had this illness and it can have quite insidious but profound effects on behaviour and emotions. In some people with PD they have a problem with anxiety, which is disease-induced in the brain rather than an emotional response to the illness. I think that if some of her behaviours get worse, or other new problems arise, they might be due to the PD or possibly due to the meds that ae used to treat it. I know that my OH was 100% gloomy all the time and that this was a brain failure due to the PD. I am afraid that as the disease progressed he did become very self-absorbed and almost totally lost the ability to empathise with the problems of others.

So what I am saying is that she may not have been someone whom you found easy to like to start with, but you need to be prepared that she may become even less likeable as the disease progresses! It is sad but true. I note that she is moving nearer to you, so you do need to be sure that you protect your own well-being

I send good wishes and lots of luck with it all.

@mischance - thank you that is a great comfort.

I'm very sorry about your OH - that must have been very hard. Thank you though for the heads-up about PD, I had heard that but it's hard to separate from her pre-existing behaviour / outlook, which was always pretty negative. It's something I'll try to bear in mind though.

@Chicchicchicchiclana that's great. My oldest is a teen and so far so good on that front though i do remember that at her age I was probably trying desperately to please my mother so I hope it's not just that! You make a good point about not burdening your children about negative aspects of your relationship with other family members

I think part of the problem is that as people age their world diminishes and things that seem small to us when in the prime of life loom much larger. Also when people live on their own (as I do) then they tend to ramble on regardless once they have someone to talk to - I try to guard against this, but it is not always easy!