Terrible admission but I'm not sure I like my mother very much

[honestappraisal]

Mumsnet regular but a namechanger because this feels like a shocking thing to admit.

DM is elderly now, 83 with Parkinson's, and so she is frail and quite dependent on me and that will increasingly become the case in the coming years. Thing is, I have these epiphanies now and again and realise that i just don't like her very much. It's not her fault, she had a difficult childhood - privileged family but she was not really wanted and was sent off to boarding school at a young age, her mother (my grandmother) was essentially very depressed and took to her bed and treated DM very unkindly. Anyway, my childhood and youth were full of these stories but she has always taken an absolutely obsessive and controlling interest in my life: trying to chose my clothes, needing to know everything, always boasting about my "achievements" and whatnot to other people, which I've always found absolutely excruciating, delighting to hear when boys/men were interested in me etc. For years she would greet me with the words "you need to put some make-up on" or tell me my clothes looked drab or bang on about how I was too thin until one day I snapped and then she stopped.

I'm handling the sale of her flat and purchase of a new one near us so I can help look after her and it has been a massive job at a time when everyone is really stretched, I take care of all her admin, try to call her every day but it's like she can't get enough of me, it's almost impossible to get off the phone from her and almost every time we speak she'll tell me she "needs cheering up". I find her manipulative and self-absorbed and incredibly gloomy, she finds it so hard to see the positive in anything and will leave cryptic voicemails saying things like 'there's something important I need to fill you in on' and it will be some news about someones diabetes.

I've never questioned her love for me, I know she loves me and my brother to bits and made countless sacrifices for us, but that love has tended to manifest itself in the past either by being obsessed with knowing my every move or by her just buying me things and that has always felt like bondage because she just wants me to be grateful for stuff I never asked for and seeming wounded if I'm not enthusiastic enough. She is SO needy and it's exhausting, and though she loves my DC I can't stand the way our conversations about them always turn to what they've achieved recently, exam grades etc and I know she's just collecting information to pass on to others like some badge of honour.

I really put off calling her and I'm increasingly dreading the time in the very near future when she will be living around the corner and I'll have to see her every day. But most of all I just feel terrible guilt about feeling this way about my mother, she'll die some day soon and I'll feel absolutely awful about not treasuring her more.

And maybe I'm being totally unfair, perhaps I've just forgotten all the good, charming things about her. Lots of people feel she is absolutely wonderful and thoughtful but I think their experience of her is quite different from mine.

I don't know I'm looking for posting here, I just had another maddening conversation with her this morning and was confronted with my real feelings about my relationship with her. The thought of her knowing how I feel is so awful but I suppose I just wanted to get it off my chest and find out whether anyone else ever feels this way about their mother or indeed father or someone else who on some level they love and are close to.

Just the fact that so many women have responded to this with similar stories must make you feel that your are not alone in your feelings.
I have a very elderly maiden ( what a word ) Aunt living with me. I took her in almost 2 years ago to die ! Guess I took too good care of her.

It is so difficult . She lived alone but very supported until now. And she ended up with the one niece that takes no nonsense. I absolutely cater to every physical need she has but I refuse to be made feel bad that she can no longer live independently , be in her 40s , all her siblings are dead ( she is 96 ! ) , etc etc.
Not that I think she should be made to feel grovelling gratitude, and she contribute financially, but there is no acknowledgement that she is in quite a good situation as the alternative is a nursing home.
Unfortunately, as their world narrows and they are unable to do things they used to , I find elderly people get so frustrated . I hope I am more accepting . I think the neediness is fear of being left alone and helpless .

There is a reason that there are Carers Support groups. I think it it is sort of like having a baby , you really don't know what it is like until it happens to you!
I have been told that I am under no obligation to do this , but I know I would feel bad in myself. I would do it if I could not manage her needs , but not yet just because she is annoying me.

OP, I just wanted to say that I sympathise massively, but also that while you may feel you have to take care of the practical arrangements for your mum, which is admirable, you are under no obligation to provide non-stop emotional care for someone who perhaps did not do the same for you when you were younger. It sounds, from your OP that she saw you as an extension of herself and was quite controlling? I know from experience that this can continue into adulthood and suddenly we find ourselves spending inordinate amounts of time caring for the emotional needs of our neglectful, critical, or abusive parent. I realised that, for me, it was a continued need to please the parent that treated me as if I wasn't good enough. It's tough to break that ingrained way of being.

I let the obsessive and continuous phone calls carry on for far too long and had a nervous breakdown eventually, - although there were other factors at play for me and I was just a very young adult then, but I still would urge you to look after your mental health and not let her steal your right to mental freedom from you. Could you just ignore her calls or emails for a couple of days? Perhaps of you did that, she would call your brother for her reassurance?

@lovelemoncurd

Let's just focus on the Op shall we? She's the one who is asking for help.

I should try to get him to do more but I just feel it will involve a really draining confrontation

I'm sure it would do, OP - if you have that confrontation, it will probably be very draining indeed. I think it would be worth it, though, if the result is that your DB takes a little bit of the strain in the future.

These family members who refuse to step up make me very angry indeed, and so many women let them get away with it. Sorry - I've said my piece now, and I'll shut up about it.

I'm glad you feel supported by all the posts, OP, and good luck for the future.

I would agree with the advice that you have been given here - that boundaries are important and that you should remember that 'physical' acts (admin, shopping, organising) are also acts of love. You don't also have to empty yourself emotionally- she has quite enough of you already and you deserve not to be completely drained by the relationship in a negative way.

I would also say that as someone who had a challenging relationship with her mum (the boundaries between friend and daughter were very much blurred as a child, and she was very controlling - and an alcoholic) I feel that is is just one phase of your relationship with her. You are not obligated to stay as you are - you can walk away emotionally and remain a positive person in her life but without the emotional relationship.

OP,
You sound like a saint.

Running around after two elderly people is a huge amount.

Boundaries are huge.

Make sure you outsource as much you can, that your mother can pay for.

I think you need to be very firm with your brother.

He is deliberately being very selfish.

Should your mother be moving to a home where she would have some company rather than into a smaller home?