Terrible admission but I'm not sure I like my mother very much

[honestappraisal]

Mumsnet regular but a namechanger because this feels like a shocking thing to admit.

DM is elderly now, 83 with Parkinson's, and so she is frail and quite dependent on me and that will increasingly become the case in the coming years. Thing is, I have these epiphanies now and again and realise that i just don't like her very much. It's not her fault, she had a difficult childhood - privileged family but she was not really wanted and was sent off to boarding school at a young age, her mother (my grandmother) was essentially very depressed and took to her bed and treated DM very unkindly. Anyway, my childhood and youth were full of these stories but she has always taken an absolutely obsessive and controlling interest in my life: trying to chose my clothes, needing to know everything, always boasting about my "achievements" and whatnot to other people, which I've always found absolutely excruciating, delighting to hear when boys/men were interested in me etc. For years she would greet me with the words "you need to put some make-up on" or tell me my clothes looked drab or bang on about how I was too thin until one day I snapped and then she stopped.

I'm handling the sale of her flat and purchase of a new one near us so I can help look after her and it has been a massive job at a time when everyone is really stretched, I take care of all her admin, try to call her every day but it's like she can't get enough of me, it's almost impossible to get off the phone from her and almost every time we speak she'll tell me she "needs cheering up". I find her manipulative and self-absorbed and incredibly gloomy, she finds it so hard to see the positive in anything and will leave cryptic voicemails saying things like 'there's something important I need to fill you in on' and it will be some news about someones diabetes.

I've never questioned her love for me, I know she loves me and my brother to bits and made countless sacrifices for us, but that love has tended to manifest itself in the past either by being obsessed with knowing my every move or by her just buying me things and that has always felt like bondage because she just wants me to be grateful for stuff I never asked for and seeming wounded if I'm not enthusiastic enough. She is SO needy and it's exhausting, and though she loves my DC I can't stand the way our conversations about them always turn to what they've achieved recently, exam grades etc and I know she's just collecting information to pass on to others like some badge of honour.

I really put off calling her and I'm increasingly dreading the time in the very near future when she will be living around the corner and I'll have to see her every day. But most of all I just feel terrible guilt about feeling this way about my mother, she'll die some day soon and I'll feel absolutely awful about not treasuring her more.

And maybe I'm being totally unfair, perhaps I've just forgotten all the good, charming things about her. Lots of people feel she is absolutely wonderful and thoughtful but I think their experience of her is quite different from mine.

I don't know I'm looking for posting here, I just had another maddening conversation with her this morning and was confronted with my real feelings about my relationship with her. The thought of her knowing how I feel is so awful but I suppose I just wanted to get it off my chest and find out whether anyone else ever feels this way about their mother or indeed father or someone else who on some level they love and are close to.

I can relate to some of this. It's very conflicting. I love my Mum but I didn't get an awful lot of support from her from my late teens onwards. She was focused on other things and didn't seem to be too interested in me. Now she is much older she leans on me heavily which is difficult as we've never had the best relationship. I also think that lots of people view her differently to the way that I do in the 'lovely old lady sense'.

It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job so don't beat yourself with a stick.

You are a good daughter to her.

Parkinsons very often produced a range of mental health problems, do you think that could account for whay she is so trying now? When the move is over and covid allows, you might be able to find a Parkinsons support group near you

Your post OP brought tears to my eyes. It's almost exactly how my mother was. I always felt something was missing in our relationship. On paper she was a good mother but it didn't feel good and I blamed myself in many ways.

I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions, but you are not alone and I thank you for sharing this. I know how hard it would have been.

@Chicchicchicchiclana

Sympathies op. My mother is the biggest stressor/cause of worry in my life and it has not just been since she got older. This has always been the case, ever since I was a child. I also feel very guilty about these negative feelings and wonder how I will react when she dies - but you never know, maybe it will genuinely be a blessed relief not to dread the phone calls any more? Maybe .

Do what I did. Embrace your feelings and accept them as YOUR feelings. If anybody says "but she's your mother," tell them your feelings are more valid than anyone else's because you grew up with them. Guilt had no place when a parent is an arsehole. I spent 10 minutes in my local church mourning a mother I wished I had, during her funeral, then got on with my life.

You're a very good daughter because you are doing all the right things for your mother. There is no rule that says you have to like her.

I agree with others - the most important thing is to keep your boundaries strong.

And OP, your DB really needs to step up. She is his mother too, and it's totally unfair that you do all of the work and he does none. You ought to ask him what he is going to do, and refuse to accept it if he says "Nothing". Even if he will only do some small things, it will take the pressure off you. He could, for instance, phone her every other day so you don't have to phone on those days.

Watching with interest, as I have a very similarly conflicted relationship with my mother (except I'm probably not as nice as you, OP).

I may come back with more. It's very difficult to even write it out on an anonymous forum, so please be reassured that we, like you, are out there...

I have a good idea of how you feel. My own mother is now in her late 70's and over the past 3 years I have noticed her health is decling and she is slowing down. I have a few siblings and among them are the golden children.
Over the years nothing was no much trouble when it came to the golden children while her attitude with my sister and I was far from the same.
If we asked her for the smallest amount of help or to do anything that incovienced her she always moaned.

She is very much a person who goes a bit blind or deaf it she sees or hears you asking for some help. If she ignores something it will go away.
In the past few years I have had to stand up for myself because she and some of my siblings were over steeping the mark with me.
The reality is that I feel it just a matter of time before she will need care. My sister and I will be called on to do this.
Financially I can't give my PT job to care for her 7 days a week and my sister is equally as busy. We don't mind doing our share but we can't put our lives on hold for her care. We have decided that the golden children can step up, mind her or sort out her care.

Old people are very selfish and seem to expect their DCs, mainly DD, to step in regardless of the DD's life,
I realised that what my DM actually wanted was to turn back the clock so she was fit and busy as in the past I realised that no matter how many trips out, hours of chat from me would giver her that and wanting me to give up my life to try to keep her happy wasn't going to work.
You have to work out how much you are prepared to give and be firm. Other visitors helped- cleaner, dog walker, gardener - though not much use at the moment.

Oh god I hope my DD doesn't feel the same about me one day?!?!

Sorry but that's what your post made me feel. I text her weekly as she's 21 and lives with other students but maybe I'm too needy? I do buy her things too!

OP, do you think that in her own emotionally stunted way, your mum is trying to give you what she didn’t have as a child?
I have a DD, I can’t imagine sending her away at the age of 7 and expecting her to come back aged 18 and perfectly emotionally balanced, ready to have a mother daughter relationship with me.
If she craved love from her own parents and the only bit of love she felt was when she produced good marks, it’s probably why she bangs on about your DC’s achievements.
I would give her love and lots of reassurance, she’s probably never had that, there is a natural regression as we are getting older, it must be scary coming to the end of your life knowing your whole childhood you see not loved the way you needed to.
It’s just an opinion, you know the ins and out of how your mum really is.

As pp mentioned Parkinson’s does affect the mind and leads to personality changes.

www.apdaparkinson.org/what-is-parkinsons/symptoms/personality-change/
Probably a bit late but consider assisted living facilities, that way the burden of care will be shared. Your role can be slightly removed.

There's nothing wrong with disliking her. I've never understood the notion that you have to like/love people because they are your relatives. I know several people who have been very open about disliking their parents (or siblings) and even feeling no love or anything for them. Whether due to personality clashes or things that have happened in the past or because they were simply rubbish parents. No need to guilt trip yourself.

@honestappraisal

Yes, maybe *@Chicchicchicchiclana*

Do you have DC? My biggest fear is that mine will feel about me as I do about DM and not want to spend time with me when they are adults

Do you think that if you treat them the way your M has always treated you, they should put their feelings to one side, and humour you and be lovely to you, even when it's hard for them?

My question to you would be, who do you think is making the rules about how much you should feel obliged to humour your M?

I haven't spoken to my father for years, because he's a git.

I actually think it's normal and probably natural. I know plenty of people who have similar feelings towards their mother

Hi OP, I have a similarly complex relationship with my Mother, who now also has complex health needs.

I think so much of our identity is wrapped up in our relationship with our mothers - don't feel too badly about how you feel. I love my Mum very deeply, in fact for various reasons she has always been the person who has taken priority in my life, above my husband and child at times - because of how she is.

Maybe some counselling to unwrap your feelings & relationship with your mother might be good?

I think if a parent is a normally decent and supportive parent then their offspring will want to have a normal supportive relationship when they leave home and return the support that was given to them. But not all of us had that. Not all mums are nice to their kids. My mum was awful to me growing up so there's no bond. I have no feelings for her whatsoever. I think she had the old fashioned idea that she could be as nasty to me as she liked as a child and I'd still be a dutiful daughter to her when I left home. Nope! Doesn't work like that. It's not shocking to admit you don't like your mum. They aren't all deserving of being liked.

OP - I can emphasise. I'm in a similar situation. There's the sense of responsibility but the resentment as well as feeling sorry for my parent.

I spoke to a counsellor when things got really tough. I would recommend it although it seems like you are doing very well with sorting things out. Take care

@lovelemoncurd

Perhaps considering that this thread isn't about you would be a good start.

@GingerNorthernLass perhaps considering you might not be a very nice person would be a good start!

Lovely posters, sorry I have been offline for quite a long time. And DD is using my laptop so I’m tapping this on my phone with my thumb!! But, so glad to come back here and read all your messages - it’s an amazing comfort to know I’m not alone.

I won’t try to answer all the post but please know that I have read and appreciate them all.

@lovelemoncurd texting your daughter weekly is in no way excessive and is about a million miles away from how my mum was/is with me. I’m talking multiple calls a day and if she can’t get me on the mobile trying DH, the landline etc and that is only a very small part of the issue. It’s a very different scenario.

@Dazedandconfused28 your point about identity is spot on, and we are forever being told we are going to turn into our mothers too, which doesn’t help.

Re DB, was really irritated last night because I messaged him to say I’d sent the power of attorney for him to sign and return and he just said thanks and then sent me a bunch of pictures of his kids. It was a thing that he had agreed to sort out and then just didn’t get done so it’s fallen to me again and there’s no recognition from him how much work it all is. I should try to get him to do more but I just feel it will involve a really draining confrontation. Anyway, didn’t want this to just be a generalised moan but part of the problem is not being able to share this.

Thanks again for the support. I am going to think seriously about a counsellor

My mum has always been difficult and I learned quite early on to ditch the idea that we "should" have a great relationship. Last year I found a book about Adult Children of Emotionally Immature People and it was an eye opener. Knowing who she is, not expecting her to change and doing my best by her but also within my own boundaries has really helped me to get along with her. Let's face it, we are sold the dream that all mothers are perfect, but they're just people. Just as flawed as everyone else.

That sounds like a good read @tinselvestsparklepants I’ve also hear people recommend ‘the book you wish your parents had read’ - at least I think that’s the title!

Oh my goodness I feel for you. I had a terrible relationship with my DM of her own making and I promised myself I would not take anymore responsibility for her. I felt nothing but anger when she died.

I supported my DGM with another family member but that could be challenging because of the expectation I could do everything and the golden GC could do nothing because he was a man and hearing how sodding wonderful he was day in day out.