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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why do so many people talk about themselves constantly then just glaze over or act distracted when others speak?

58 replies

whitechocolatehobnobs · 07/01/2021 16:33

So many people are like that these days and I think it's so rude.

I have a few friends that do this. None of my very close friends do, so I know I'm not (too!) boring! The ones that do it talk incessantly about themselves then the second I mention anything about myself or if I even speak they glaze over or get distracted with their phone, or start looking out of the window, or change the subject back to them.

Even random people do it; if someone starts chatting to me in a queue in a shop or out dog walking or wherever they just want to talk and just glaze over or get distracted with something else if I speak.

It's so rude! It puts me off even bothering with conversations!

OP posts:

HouseofBrieandBanter · 07/01/2021 16:34

Hmmm .... sorry ... what?

Miramour · 07/01/2021 16:38

That sounds odd. I mean, sometimes people chat about what they're doing as a way of being friendly without prying, but I haven't experienced what you describe at all.

When I am with my friends we talk and listen to each other. I'd have thought that was pretty standard.

Can you give specific examples? And what is your age btw

Gilda152 · 07/01/2021 16:39

Because they lack the ability to read social cues and lack the social skills - it's very common. I used to just abruptly stop talking with one friend until she noticed and believe me sometimes it took her a while to recognise! A lot of people dont know how to actively listen to another person and unless you're horrendously boring which I doubt there is no excuse for zoning out, it's just bad manners.

Drop people who do that to you and walk away from randomers.

KirstenBlest · 07/01/2021 16:41

That's enough about you.Your trouble is you make it all about you. You never listen to me. If you knew how difficult my day has been...

HollowTalk · 07/01/2021 16:42

It's really common - that's why people say that some are programmed only to transmit, not receive.

Original poster

whitechocolatehobnobs · 07/01/2021 16:43

I'm 44. Like I said in my OP, my close friends do not do this. It's more less close friends/acquaintances and strangers.

Example: Woman in supermarket queue talking about Covid and lockdown and how horrible it's been for her daughter and her grandchildren as the grandchildren have had to home school and her daughter has had to work from home even though she's got a very high pressure job, etc. After a few minutes I said something along the lines of 'Yes, it's difficult isn't it? I am working from home too and my kids are home schooling' and when I talked she immediately ceased eye contact and just started fiddling with stuff on the conveyor belt and reorganising it and didn't even acknowledge I'd spoken.

Another example is a friend who talks and talks about herself and her problems all the time. The second I mention anything about myself or anything from my life she gets her phone out and starts scrolling through it!

OP posts:

londongirl12 · 07/01/2021 16:45

Yep, got a few people like that at work. Or they'll change a subject to be about them 🙄

StephenBelafonte · 07/01/2021 16:47

It's particularly bad in married 50 something women .

RememberSelfCompassion · 07/01/2021 16:48

Do lots of people do this to you? Is it something to do with the way you are coming across? Tone of voice? Talking for a long period without a break?

Is there anyone you can ask who who you trust?

pursuedbyablackdog · 07/01/2021 16:49

Me, myself and I...sorry what were you saying OP, hang just a mo....

RememberSelfCompassion · 07/01/2021 16:49

Its def rude! But its unusual to be most people or to happen lots.

HollowTalk · 07/01/2021 16:50

@StephenBelafonte

It's particularly bad in married 50 something women .

They don't become like that in their 50s - you see it in much younger women, too.

Lucieintheskye · 07/01/2021 16:56

Our neighbour's like that. She popped over earlier and we chatted in the garden, she bragged about her son's university grades, told us she was buying a new car and about her new hobby and then asked how we were. Before DH could even open his mouth she'd gone back to talking about her darling son (who has vomited twice and woken up once on our front lawn after some heavy drinking and partying while they were away)

BIL was the same, even to his wife (DH's sister). We held a Christmas party last year and he was bragging to the room about his golfing successes, she started to choke on her food and he barely glanced at her before raising his voice to be heard over the coughing. Thankfully she's seen sense now!

Craftycorvid · 07/01/2021 16:59

The random queue woman just wanted to vent but as it’s unacceptable to talk to oneself, she aimed her monologue in your general direction. Response neither requested nor wanted. Rude of her, but she is a random stranger. Next time, just nod and smile and load your shopping.

The friend is not a friend! That’s awful behaviour. I’d say she’s treating you like a therapist rather than a friend, without even the courtesy of hearing what you have to say.

If your real friends treat you respectfully and listen, don’t worry and stick with those friends. If this is something you notice a lot, it could be you are a good listener and create a sense of safety for others. It can be hard to switch off from being a good listener, but necessary or you can feel very used.

ReggaePerrin · 07/01/2021 17:00

I was once giving a friend a lift up to Newcastle as I was going to visit family and she was going on a course so we shared petrol costs. It was about a six hour drive and we stopped for food too - the whole time she spoke about herself and what was going on in her life. When we got to our destination she said "So how are things with you?" and when I opened my mouth to answer she started looking round about and obviously had no intention of listening to my answer, which I didn't bother with.

The course she was going on was a counselling one

OhBollocksToIt · 07/01/2021 17:13

Yes I have a colleague who does this. Talks about herself and her children but turns back to the computer if I talk. It’s irritating.

Weirdfan · 07/01/2021 17:23

My step dad is like this, he has zero social skills in general, constantly talks about himself/his interests even when people are clearly trying to get away and has no concept he is boring people in addition to the glazing over you describe OP. His world is tiny though, he goes nowhere and talks to no one so I guess he has nothing to focus on but himself, maybe we're all suffering from that a little atm being cooped up at home. No excuse for rudeness but maybe a reason people seem so self obsessed right now.

campion · 07/01/2021 17:27

@StephenBelafonte

It's particularly bad in married 50 something women .

Is that the conclusion of scientific research or just prejudice?

Most people like talking about themselves, OP ; it's their specialist subject!

Soozikinzii · 07/01/2021 17:42

This drives my husband insane ! It is his pet hate - he has an excellent way of dealing with it though he just walks away from them . There do seem to be a lot of people who have absolutely no intention of listening to anyone they just want to talk themselves. Maybe the skill of listening is dying out !

Timeflyin · 07/01/2021 17:42

@RememberSelfCompassion

Do lots of people do this to you? Is it something to do with the way you are coming across? Tone of voice? Talking for a long period without a break?

Is there anyone you can ask who who you trust?

Have you never come across anyone who does this? Maybe you are guilty of it your self then so wouldn't notice ? I have a few colleagues that do it a fair bit op, absolute no awareness either

Emeeno1 · 07/01/2021 17:49

Because we are being fed all the time the lie that everybody should acquiesce to our very emotion, need or issue.

If all we do is naval gaze, and if all we are told is we should be listened to, what we are going to get is extremely self-obsessed people who have no idea how to be otherwise.

NotQuitePerfect · 07/01/2021 17:58

ReggaePerrin
Your post made me smile. It sounds all too familiar .
I know two people who are counsellors, both love nothing better than to talk endlessly about themselves and how busy/important/brilliant they are .

Edgeoftheledge · 07/01/2021 17:59

Yep some people do this, very self absorbed.

RememberSelfCompassion · 07/01/2021 18:18

@Timeflyin yes I know a couple of people who do this but if its most people like for OP that might make me wonder. Might not be of course but its worth a thought.

Echobelly · 07/01/2021 18:21

Cos we're just really bad listenerss . I fear I am a culprit, I spend too much time thinking about what I'm going to say and not enough thinking about what I'm going to ask people and how I'm going to really pay attention to them. I have been trying to get better for 20 years now so it's not so often anymore I come away from an interaction then have the horrible realisation I just talked and didn't ask the other person anything about themselves.

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