Why do so many people talk about themselves constantly then just glaze over or act distracted when others speak?

[whitechocolatehobnobs]

So many people are like that these days and I think it's so rude.

I have a few friends that do this. None of my very close friends do, so I know I'm not (too!) boring! The ones that do it talk incessantly about themselves then the second I mention anything about myself or if I even speak they glaze over or get distracted with their phone, or start looking out of the window, or change the subject back to them.

Even random people do it; if someone starts chatting to me in a queue in a shop or out dog walking or wherever they just want to talk and just glaze over or get distracted with something else if I speak.

It's so rude! It puts me off even bothering with conversations!

I do this, but equally have grown up with a family who is prone to monologuing in turn. So I'm used to big monologues and presumed other people were the same! Had a big shock when I realised they aren't.

I learnt around my early 20's to ask people questions about themselves and try so hard to listen and not wait for my turn to speak in the gap. Honestly, I find silence amongst people excruciating because I'm so anxious of being judged (in reality it's my own insecurities at play here because other's are so focused on themselves they're rarely judging others very much). This is my problem and I'm trying again to listen more.

Some 'listeners' ask tonnes of questions though as a method of deflection, which is great but sometimes you get nothing from them despite asking several questions. These two types may gravitate together? The listeners get to deflect and avoid something anxiety-inducing i.e. talking about themselves and the talkets get to talk and avoid something anxiety-inducing i.e. silence?

Lots of narc people out there OP. Are you very empathetic? Self obsessed people do gravitate to empaths who will ask questions and show an interest even though you might as well be a cardboard cut out.
I had this a lot. DHs family are the worst offenders, they literally know nothing about me. I used to come away from family gatherings feeling emotionally drained and pissed off too. I mirrored their actions towards me, as in when they started their boast/brag/monologue of me me me, I stopped asking questions and scrolled through my phone. Their response was to accuse me of rudeness! I realise now I was feeding this by allowing such unbalanced conversations. Now I dont give time to anyone who drains me. We dont have to be 'nice' to strangers using us as soundboards or narc people to massage their ego. Cut and run have a boundary and maintain it. Its hurtful dealing with these types so steering clear is vital for your own wellbeing. Seek out people who are genuinly interested in you and your life.

I know someone like this and in his case it's some sort of mania, I think he is manic depressive or bipolar an sits worse when he'on a high. He's also cripplingly insecure. Everyone just walks away from him now when he does it in our local pub. I get up and go to the loo as soon as he talks over me or anyone else.

I know what you mean. Some oeople have short attention spans which doesn't help. Maybe you should do the same to them! Break eye contact, or look away.

My peeve is when people text when you're talking to them and expect you be happy with that and carry on.

The thing that annoys me the most is the people who fiddle on their phone when you’re speaking are the exact same ones who would hate you not to give them full attention when they’re droning on. It’s extremely rude and poor conversational skills.

Absolutely! Why give any of your precious time and attention to people who csre so little even giving you their attention and interest is begrudged!
I was taught to be polite act interested and keep a conversation going. But when I think back over the years to the time I have spent being talked at by friends, family, people at work, randoms on holiday in bars it makes me sad I didnt make an excuse and walk away. All because I didnt want to look "rude" when in actual fact I think I got this very wrong 😬

@scoobydoo1971

I am surrounded and plagued by people like this. I put them into two categories. Firstly, there is the 'It is all about me, darling' group. They love to tell you where they went, who they saw, what they achieved, how they are feeling and how important they are. If you attempt to turn-take, they draw the conversation quickly back to their agenda, as they are just not interested at all in your news or opinion. They talk at you, and not to you, and shut you down if you change the subject from them. I call these narcissistic types. Secondly, there is the 'poor me' group. These people talk about themselves to validate their existence. They tell you about their lack of achievements, their bad news, their ups and downs to feel better about themselves that someone appears interested and sympathetic. You become their therapist, but they don't always want help with their life problems as they wallow in them. They are not very good at taking advice, everything bad in their life is someone else's fault and you just sit there listening to the latest chapter of their latest drama while losing the will to live. I am trying to distance myself from both groups of people as I find them exhausting through the power imbalance they create. I agree that a dog in the best friend anyone could have, along with a couple of cats.

This is a really good spot.

I have managed to edit the first group as it feels reasonable but from this post have realised that I have been left with the second group out of some misguided sense of being “nice and kind” - but realise that this is just as disingenuous and draining.....it’s not about a friend going through a dip - it’s the type whose purpose and meaning in life is to be the permanent victim and want you as their lifelong attentive nurse. I think I was socialised to tolerate these types. Trying hard to prune them out of my life because they suck the space, time and energy where more radiant and reciprocal friends should be. They are like an invasive weed. I justify reversing out of their life as it being better for them as all I do is facilitate and enable their dysfunction to continue by offloading - rather than them facing their issues once and for all with a professional.

Also with the draining types I now avoid people who are too intense when you first meet them - before I would be triggered to help and listen to their panic - now I just this behaviour as v poor boundaries, where they feel entitled to your full attention and time and v disrespectful.

Also I try to look behind and around someone - have all of their “friends” sloped away - do they have a long term friendships...... am I the last man standing? If so time to swiftly move on.