Why do so many people talk about themselves constantly then just glaze over or act distracted when others speak?

[whitechocolatehobnobs]

So many people are like that these days and I think it's so rude.

I have a few friends that do this. None of my very close friends do, so I know I'm not (too!) boring! The ones that do it talk incessantly about themselves then the second I mention anything about myself or if I even speak they glaze over or get distracted with their phone, or start looking out of the window, or change the subject back to them.

Even random people do it; if someone starts chatting to me in a queue in a shop or out dog walking or wherever they just want to talk and just glaze over or get distracted with something else if I speak.

It's so rude! It puts me off even bothering with conversations!

The glazing eyes! The wandering gaze! The perfunctory response to your major difficulty or dilemma, or really anything you had to say! Then turning to the Mobile to read out more of her problems and stories!

Yeah been there. I had a friend like this who would talk non stop about herself for about an hour when we’d meet up - her job, her dating, her family, sometimes repeated stories. Finally having run out of steam there would be a perfunctory “and how are you”. But really she wasn’t all that interested, so I would say a few things, then she would be straight back to her various topics. Unmarried, 50, like me.

I don’t mind strangers chatting too much about themselves (up to a point). As long as it’s entertaining . I get tired of English reserve. Most people where I live don’t say much to strangers, barely even hello, so a short entertaining monologue welcome!

When friends consistently do it though, I think it’s not a good sign. My ex friend was fun and could be interesting and was not unintelligent. But ultimately it was draining and made me feel like crap afterwards. (I do think she had some narcy traits too, mild but prevalent once you knew her better ...)

And she started training to be a counsellor (couldn’t hack it though). Come to think of it I had another friend who was very self absorbed about herself to the extent she sent me a Xmas 1 page letter closely typed up just all about herself and her professional achievements! A one line sentence at the end “hope you’re ok”. In real life she was better though I do sometimes wonder how people are so unaware!!!

Thats just a Christmas letter though isn't it? Some of my friends send them at Christmas, but I don't think they're as common as they used to be. Full of the family's achievements and travels.

She was a counsellor.

I’d never send a tiny find typed letter at Xmas or any other time just outlining my “professional achievements”; it was very weird, and zero reference to me at all, or hopes to meet up or anything. Just on and on and on about herself

Yes crafty good general points.

Most conversation is just people waiting for their turn to talk.

I read not too long ago about a study where they found that the same areas of the brain are activated when people talk about themselves as when they eat chocolate or do drugs.

The people they tested didn't even need to know anyone was listening to them while they were in the brain scanner for it to show the same results –as human beings our brains just really enjoy the act of talking about ourselves.

There's also a habit many people have of listening to what someone's said and then immediately trying to relate it back to themselves –"Yes that's tough, me too and let me tell you about how it relates to me", which can leave the original speaker feeling unheard. Charles Derber (who coined the term 'narcissistic conversations') talks about 'shift responses' vs 'support responses' –where you either shift the conversation to yourself, or support the conversation by asking more questions instead.

It's the difference between:

"I really need to get some new shoes"
"Oh, me too, these are so worn out"

and

"I really need to get some new shoes"
"Oh? How come?"

I think we often think we're commiserating or 'helping' by sharing our own experience of what's been said, but it doesn't always feel that way on the receiving end – it can feel like we're making it about us instead, rejecting their experience, or just plain uninterested.

I remember someone telling me about their children and whatever else they were saying, I said something about my children that related to the conversation, the other person then carried on talking then asked me if I had children. I remember thinking, wow you weren’t listening to a word I said were you.

@whitechocolatehobnobs

I'm 44. Like I said in my OP, my close friends do not do this. It's more less close friends/acquaintances and strangers.

Example: Woman in supermarket queue talking about Covid and lockdown and how horrible it's been for her daughter and her grandchildren as the grandchildren have had to home school and her daughter has had to work from home even though she's got a very high pressure job, etc. After a few minutes I said something along the lines of 'Yes, it's difficult isn't it? I am working from home too and my kids are home schooling' and when I talked she immediately ceased eye contact and just started fiddling with stuff on the conveyor belt and reorganising it and didn't even acknowledge I'd spoken.

Another example is a friend who talks and talks about herself and her problems all the time. The second I mention anything about myself or anything from my life she gets her phone out and starts scrolling through it!

The supermarket thing... to me it sounds as though the woman was a bit dull but friendly, then out off by your peevishness (which is obvious from your tone on here). You sound competitive and passive aggressive which is very off-putting.

Yes, I used to be a sucker for people like that as would just listen, hoping that one day it would be my 'turn' and the friend would reciprocate. Of course that never happened. Now I just back away from the broadcast-only types. I have one old and dear friend who can be a good listener but also has verrrry looooooong stories that just go on and on. I used to listen to her patiently, then feel used afterwards because we had to leave the conversation before I could share my news. Now I just interrupt with 'great, can I tell you something that happened with x' and she accepts it.

I ditched someone who was like this. Get a dog to talk to. They are always interested

I am surrounded and plagued by people like this. I put them into two categories. Firstly, there is the 'It is all about me, darling' group. They love to tell you where they went, who they saw, what they achieved, how they are feeling and how important they are. If you attempt to turn-take, they draw the conversation quickly back to their agenda, as they are just not interested at all in your news or opinion. They talk at you, and not to you, and shut you down if you change the subject from them. I call these narcissistic types. Secondly, there is the 'poor me' group. These people talk about themselves to validate their existence. They tell you about their lack of achievements, their bad news, their ups and downs to feel better about themselves that someone appears interested and sympathetic. You become their therapist, but they don't always want help with their life problems as they wallow in them. They are not very good at taking advice, everything bad in their life is someone else's fault and you just sit there listening to the latest chapter of their latest drama while losing the will to live. I am trying to distance myself from both groups of people as I find them exhausting through the power imbalance they create. I agree that a dog in the best friend anyone could have, along with a couple of cats.

I've known a couple of people who did this, one an ex-colleague who was one of the most self absorbed people I've ever had the misfortune to work with and one a current 'friend'...She'll go further though and I've realised she's not actually a friend at all so stepping back and happier for it.

Ironically, she's someone who does a lot of volunteer counselling and always talking about how great she is at listening. 🙄

Anyone else noticed that people who go out of their way to claim certain character traits usually demonstrate the opposite?

I spent a day working with someone like this recently. She was not an unpleasant person by any means, but by the end of the day I knew everything about her baby, her birth, her sister, her sisters relationships, where she lived, where she used to live, etc, etc....and what did she know about me?
Nothing.
Even though we had quite a lot in common ground! I gave up after a while as she showed no interest in what I had to say. It became a game in the end with me, I politely listened and gave nothing away.
She didn’t notice 😂
I was knackered too by the end of the day. My ears were ringing.

I am aware that I do this. I don’t really know why, other than, in all honesty, I start thinking about other things when someone talks to me. I don’t do it deliberately, I never used to, and I work really hard not to!
Strangely, I seem to have a lot of friends who constantly deflect questions back to me, so maybe we are subconsciously drawn together. I get that I am rude and annoying, but I honestly do have some very good friends!

I wonder if us 'listeners' have a history of not valuing ourselves enough. Maybe it stems back to how family treated us when young, or feeling invisible at school? At least for me, I've now realised that throughout my life I've felt a bit too grateful that people wanted to hang out with me, so I would make too much of an effort to fit in with their expectations and just let them talk at me. Incidentally, I also have parents who are self-absorbed and expect me to listen to them while not returning the favour, so...

It's only since hitting 40 that I've felt enough is enough. But I still don't always know how to get out of situations of being talked at. I feel trapped - do I just start being rude and risk losing the friendship/ family relationship? Tricky one.

We used to have paying foreign guests mostly teens but one a 50 something school teacher. Every evening we asked the polite how was your day questions which she answered at length then droned on. In her entire stay she didn’t ask one polite question of us. We wanted to kill her by the end of the week. Went back to teens only as they had better manners and if they didn’t it’s excusable as they young.

My mother taught me as a teen not to drone on about myself and to ask and listen to others. Some adults missed that memo!

Naah it’s not that we are “listeners” are in any way at fault. We are polite aware and have manners. It’s the “me me me and what do you think of me?” steamrollers that need to get some manners.

In my opinion people generally just talk too much, full stop. I hate chatter and yakking, love companionable silence. And I was brought up on the adage ‘it’s better to be silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt’. I’m happy though to have proper, two-way conversations with a friend, to sit and have equal back and forth around a table with a group of friends, to listen to the lonely ramblings of random strangers too. But ‘me, me, me’ from a friend or colleague or family member? No. Walk away.

@ThisTooShallBe But ‘me, me, me’ from a friend or colleague or family member? No. Walk away.

How do you do that though in a way that's socially acceptable? I struggle with this as when I do interrupt/ get up and walk away I get the reaction of 'what's wrong with HER?' and am made to feel I am the unreasonable one.

@Helocariad I don’t really care about what’s socially acceptable I guess. Guess what, I’m a (divorced) woman in my 50s! I don’t care what people I don’t care about think of me. People I do care about know that I am kind and tolerant but only up to a certain point, after which I call bullshit. ‘Socially acceptable’ is just shorthand for ‘keeping women down so men can rule the roost’ anyway.

I don’t physically turn on my heel and walk away. I just say ‘oh, I’ve got to go now, bye’, leave and don’t go back.

I have a friend like that. She will ask how I am but If I get as far as "well, my leg.......She will be straight in with "My leg aches and I haven't slept because of a headache"....

I know several people that do this. One of them even says 'and, and, and' to keep the conversational ball in her court when she can't think of anything to say. I have stopped spending time with her.

I had a lovely work colleague who was the opposite. She was an utter mystery. We all realised that after a year or so we knew nothing about her! She was very good at gently deflecting away from her.

She was from a fabulously wealthy African family and think they had been told to keep their stuff private. A refreshing change from the usual me me me crowd!