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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why has this hurt me so much?

60 replies

Selfishhurt · 06/01/2021 23:25

Married to DH and have a lovely 3 year old. We are very happy most of the time however had a very rocky start as he pursued me right out of a violent relationship with my ex and I had a lot of baggage.

DH was best friends with his ex girlfriend. They dated for a few years and then spent 6 years in a weird pseudo relationship where they were basically together without the sex. They shared beds, were in constant contact, always each other’s plus 1s etc. He was desperate to get back with her but she (without sounding like a total cow!) enjoyed the relationship how it was as he did everything for her.

Anyway, we got together and she took it really badly. Trashed his office at work, threw his underwear that had been left at her house around the office and completely blocked him on everything. She said to him “it hurts to see you change for her but not for me”. Before cutting him off. He asked her if she wanted to be with him and she said no. I feel massively insecure here because I can’t help but wonder if she had said yes would he have stayed with me?

Anyway, sorry I’m rambling! Just trying to give backstory!

She’s kind of filtered in and out throughout our relationship, however never has she contacted him. She never congratulated him on our baby, never congratulated him when we got married, never checked in on him etc. He always contacts her when he’s worried about her, for example he contacted her when covid Hit to make sure she was ok etc. I can’t help but feel like he always needs to be her saviour.

So here comes the really selfish thing.

Her dad died just before Christmas. He found out and called her straight away and shut himself away in a room to have a private conversation with her for almost an hour. I know I’m so fucking selfish for thinking like this but it hurts so much. Every time he has to contact her it can’t be a text or a quick call in front of me, he either leaves the house or locks himself away where I can’t hear.

I’m not controlling at all, obviously I haven’t said any of this out loud to him but I just feel so deflated and like once again I’m reminded that he will always go to her aid. I had such bad ppd and the lack of support he provided me has put me off having a second child altogether.

I know I’m so unreasonable for this but I have no idea how to shake it off! She’s just lost her dad, of course she needs support. I just don’t get why it always has to be him? Sad

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 06/01/2021 23:31

Yeh so I think the part you do have to have a conversation with him about is that you won’t have a second child because you feel unsupported. That’s a conversation that can and should happen ASAP. The conversation about talking to this woman needs to be a later one and unconnected. Essentially asking does he still love her as anything other than a friend and why can’t he have the conversations in the same room or in the hall with the door open? Basically lay out that it’s not that you don’t trust him but that you have this hopefully irrational fear and it would be good if he could minimise the anxiety caused.

NotaCoolMum · 06/01/2021 23:33

I’d feel the exact same as you op! And I agree- she needs support but why does it always have to be him?! It’s not fair to you. I don’t have any advice but just wanted to let you know your feelings are valid x

Tumblebugsjump · 06/01/2021 23:41

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, he on the other hand isn't being fair to you or honest with himself.

Whatthebloodyell · 06/01/2021 23:52

I think I’d feel the same way. He needs to move on.

billy1966 · 07/01/2021 00:10

OP,

He asked her would she take him back after he had pursued you.
That tells me he still was interested in her.
You married him after that.
You had a child with him after that.
He didn't support you after your baby was born.

Well thank god you are not having another child with this extremely selfish man.

I don't think you are a priority to him.

You deserve to be treated so much better.

I think you are wasting your time with him.

Flowers
Aquamarine1029 · 07/01/2021 00:15

His compulsion to keep her in his life is a huge problem. I'd be asking him what he's playing at. She's been cutting him off and he's not having it. Why? I would not be tolerating this nonsense at all. It's one thing if they were just friends, but this is clearly not the case.

allthewaterinthetap · 07/01/2021 00:27

Truthfully? I'd tell him either he cuts all contact with her or I would leave. He can choose.

Geppili · 07/01/2021 00:49

YANBU!

sunnydays78 · 07/01/2021 01:30

I would feel the same. There’s no way I could cope with that. I wonder how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

NicoleKidmanSuperFan · 07/01/2021 02:24

You’re 100percent right in your feelings and not selfish at all. Her dad has died which is sad for her but really is none of his business. If they were friends that had known each other before you came into the picture or even lovers that then became amazing friends, I’d understand. However, this isn’t the case. The ex girlfriend is just that, an ex girlfriend that showed anger when they split and he showed an interest in getting back together by asking her if that was what she wanted. If it was me I’d say either cut her off or leave. If he can’t get over her he needs to really think about how much you mean to him and if he can commit and stay inlove with you long term. Right now he seems like he just fell into a relationship with you.
The ex girlfriend doesn’t sound like she actually cared about him, more like she used him and liked that he was at her beck and call.

Nicolastuffedone · 07/01/2021 03:52

Does she phone him to ask how he is re COVID?
Did she phone him to tell him her dad had died?
No. He’s the one who calls her first.....in private.
He was unsupportive when YOU really needed him. What if she wasn’t coping with COVID/lockdown/bereavement? Would he have offered his support to her? What form would that have taken? I can only imagine how you must feel, no-one wants to be runner up.......

yvanka · 07/01/2021 04:09

Truthfully? I'd tell him either he cuts all contact with her or I would leave.

Agreed. You deserve better than being his backup plan, if he can't live without her then he will have to live without you.

MsDogLady · 07/01/2021 04:19

You are being reasonable, OP.

He was ‘desperate’ to get back with her. She didn’t want to reunite romantically, but did want him to continue worshipping and serving her. She was enraged when he started with you and wouldn’t be as available to her. After her massive tantrum, he asked if she wanted to be with him, but she declined.

It sounds like he has been harboring deep feelings and jumps at the chance to be her White Knight. He has long private conversations to demonstrate his support and devotion to this woman he was desperate to reunite with. This is very disrespectful to you and creates emotional distance between you.

The fact that he channels so much empathy to her while withholding support and compassion for you speaks volumes. You don’t even feel emotionally safe enough to have a second baby. This wouldn’t be happening in my marriage. You don’t have to tolerate it in yours.

MusicalTrifleMonkey · 07/01/2021 04:31

@allthewaterinthetap

Truthfully? I'd tell him either he cuts all contact with her or I would leave. He can choose.
This 100000%.
Sakurami · 07/01/2021 04:42

He seems to have turned her into this special unattainable prize and you into a second best.

Well fuck that. Tell him to piss off and he can worship her and be her ego massage in his own time. You're not going to hang around being unsupported when you're struggling because you've had his baby and he fawns over her.

Be strong and make him realise that you are the prize and if he doesn't see that then quite frankly, you don't want him either.

readingismycardio · 07/01/2021 04:45

I'm tempted to believe that even if you give him an ultimatum, he's gonna say he chooses you and then he'd still be unable to cut the ties with her because this is toxic. Not sure what to say. I'd probably cut my losses and leave.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 07/01/2021 04:49

Why on earth did you marry someone who was so hung up on his ex, and why do you think you can't say anything to him about the contact he has with her. YANBU at all. Who is telling you you are?

Lifeispassingby · 07/01/2021 04:54

If she suddenly expressed an interest in him would he go for it? If so then you need to stop being a stop gap and find someone who wants to be with you and only you

AgentJohnson · 07/01/2021 06:43

She was never the problem, he was and sadly this the price for prioritising a man who sees you as an option.

It hurts because it’s a reminder of where his priorities are and always will be. This is who he is and the balls in your court.

AlwaysCheddar · 07/01/2021 07:35

Your dh is the problem and you need to tell him no contact with her or that’s it.

FippertyGibbett · 07/01/2021 07:39

You are not being unreasonable.
It sounds like this woman will be in your relationship for ever, it’s up to you if you want to stay in it 💐

Theunamedcat · 07/01/2021 07:43

Tell him your tired of being his back up girl you want out

Original poster
Selfishhurt · 07/01/2021 09:29

I have asked him to cut contact with her and he always agrees but then something else happens to get him back in touch with her. He’s always waiting for an excuse I feel.

It’s funny you should say that about how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. My ex still contacted me up until a few months ago, literally using any means he could. I blocked him everywhere but he still found ways to get in touch (linkedin, new numbers etc). He absolutely hated it and would go mental when it happened. The difference is I didn’t engage or feel sorry for my ex..

I’ve been really worried about work re covid and haven’t been sleeping very well, it’s so bad that I’ve started waking up having panic attacks which is something that hasn’t happened for a long time. He’s shown very litte concern about that, maybe that’s why this has hurt so much. I’m always bloody reminded that I’ll never quite match up to her. Have any of you watched the latest series of the crown? I had to turn it off because the whole camilla Charles thing just reminded me of it too much. I was a triggered, as the kids would say Grin

The really sad thing is that from what he’s told me about their relationship she was pretty abusive. She hit him on a few occasions but was also very controlling, said he was an alcoholic, and would scream and shout at him etc. He doesn’t drink now because of a few shitty things he did to me and as my ex and my parents were alcoholics it’s something I won’t put up with. The paranoid side of me says he only quit drinking to prove a point to her if that makes sense?

I know the issues surrounding abusive relationships. If I let myself think about my ex I find myself romancing the stuff he used to do and I put him on a pedestal in a way. So you know what I do? I don’t think about him. I don’t speak to him. I don’t talk about him. Because why would I?

Why the fuck can’t he do the same thing?!? I love him with all my heart but I will just never be enough will I?

OP posts:
Watermelon24 · 07/01/2021 09:29

If my friend's dad died, I would probably take myself into another room to talk to them about it away from my partner to give the conversation my full attention and focus.

The problem is that you are uncomfortable with him having such a close friendship with someone that he used to be in a relationship with. You need to tell him if his friendship with her makes you insecure. There are other reasons he has made you feel insecure as well by being unsupportive. Talk to him about it. Ask him what was going through his mind when you were struggling. Tell him how it made you feel. If he loves you, he will try and do whatever it takes to make you feel better.

Nicolastuffedone · 07/01/2021 09:36

Well, yes.....but it isn’t one isolated phone call, it’s every phone call. Every call to her that he instigates, she doesn’t phone him, he uses any excuse to get in contact with her. If he didn’t get in touch with her, would she phone him? She didn’t bother getting in touch about any of his milestones, did she? Marriage, new baby etc. she’s his ‘one that got away’ it’s up to you OP.....I, personally couldn’t put up with being his second prize