Why has this hurt me so much?

[Selfishhurt]

Married to DH and have a lovely 3 year old. We are very happy most of the time however had a very rocky start as he pursued me right out of a violent relationship with my ex and I had a lot of baggage.

DH was best friends with his ex girlfriend. They dated for a few years and then spent 6 years in a weird pseudo relationship where they were basically together without the sex. They shared beds, were in constant contact, always each other’s plus 1s etc. He was desperate to get back with her but she (without sounding like a total cow!) enjoyed the relationship how it was as he did everything for her.

Anyway, we got together and she took it really badly. Trashed his office at work, threw his underwear that had been left at her house around the office and completely blocked him on everything. She said to him “it hurts to see you change for her but not for me”. Before cutting him off. He asked her if she wanted to be with him and she said no. I feel massively insecure here because I can’t help but wonder if she had said yes would he have stayed with me?

Anyway, sorry I’m rambling! Just trying to give backstory!

She’s kind of filtered in and out throughout our relationship, however never has she contacted him. She never congratulated him on our baby, never congratulated him when we got married, never checked in on him etc. He always contacts her when he’s worried about her, for example he contacted her when covid Hit to make sure she was ok etc. I can’t help but feel like he always needs to be her saviour.

So here comes the really selfish thing.

Her dad died just before Christmas. He found out and called her straight away and shut himself away in a room to have a private conversation with her for almost an hour. I know I’m so fucking selfish for thinking like this but it hurts so much. Every time he has to contact her it can’t be a text or a quick call in front of me, he either leaves the house or locks himself away where I can’t hear.

I’m not controlling at all, obviously I haven’t said any of this out loud to him but I just feel so deflated and like once again I’m reminded that he will always go to her aid. I had such bad ppd and the lack of support he provided me has put me off having a second child altogether.

I know I’m so unreasonable for this but I have no idea how to shake it off! She’s just lost her dad, of course she needs support. I just don’t get why it always has to be him?

He clearly cannot move on emotionally from his ex and this is unacceptable in a marriage. He is stuck in this limbo with her and only he can emotionally detach as this woman won't. If you demand he stop it will go underground. Only thing I would suggest is you ask him to leave as you're tired of being second best. He has to choose where his loyalty lies

however had a very rocky start as he pursued me right out of a violent relationship with my ex and I had a lot of baggage

I don’t think the rocky start was all down to your baggage!

What shitty things did he do to you, OP? When he was drinking?

He does at least seem to have responded to your needs in stopping.

It sounds as if he needs to get his priorities clear in his own mind. And be honest with himself.

You have the right to tell him how you feel and why. You have laid it out very calmly and articulately here.

Could you have a thoughtful conversation and tell him how you feel? Including the reaction to The Crown?

Or suggest couples counselling before you commit to another child? Stress that you are looking for a constructive way forwards.

I’d sit and talk to him. He either wants to put energy into being the hero in an old relationship making you and your relationship feel undervalued. I’d feel like I was playing second fiddle. He obviously doesn’t respect you or how this makes you feel.
If he won’t make your relationship his number one priority find someone who will. Life’s too short

I posted a thread about some of the stuff he did. Sorry I’ve name changed since then! Basically one time he went on a huge cocaine and alcohol binge, stayed out all night and blew 2000£ in a strip club when DC had only just turned 1. This was while he gave me a hard time for asking for money. He also would become really mean when he drank, at one point said my mum was a shit mum because she “let me get molested”

Stuff like that. He can be quite harsh with words, doesn’t like me to raise any problems otherwise he raises his voice or starts throwing stuff back at me. I can never say anything without him being like”well you did this!” Etc.

He’s much better now, doesn’t drink, we have a joint account so finances are pretty much equal and he is caring. Makes me coffee in the morning, helps with DC and stuff and they have such a beautiful relationship now. I think he really struggled when DC was born as he was always the single bachelor that would go out partying all night and all of a sudden he was engaged with a baby. I gave him so many outs, even went to an initial abortion appointment but we decided not to go through with it. I don’t understand why he didn’t just leave then. Now I feel so locked in I don’t want to spend my life feeling second best, I would rather be single and alone.

Every time he has to contact her it can’t be a text or a quick call in front of me, he either leaves the house or locks himself away where I can’t hear.

I think you need to find someone who isn't doing this to you. He's awful andyou deserve better.

I had a similar issue although they were never in a relationship and this was pre marriage and children. She constantly interfered and I never had the guts to say me or her (I though it would be wrong and controlling). In my post Mumsnet enlightened days I know understand she was a narcissist and he likes to help people so a bad combination. But in your situation this is what you need to say. He is chasing her she has made it clear she's not interested in him, but this will eat away at your relationship. So it stops now and for good or you leave.

I would say he still loves her. Sorry, but that's my take on it.

My best friend is male and when his mum died this year I called him up straight away but my DH was in the room (not listening in but just generally getting on with his life) I was on the phone for an hour or more about it. He’s my friend and I’m supporting him but I have nothing to hide and I’m not his saviour, he has his own wife and family for that. And in fact my DH was equally upset for him.

There’s not a conversation I would need to have that I couldn’t do in front of DH.

I’d feel the same as you. It’s weird and it shouldn’t be him running to her rescue all the time. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP.

@Abouttimemum that’s exactly the problem. My heart honestly breaks for her losing a parent, however I hate how everything has to be done away from me. It’s almost like he is suggesting either it’s something I shouldn’t hear or he doesn’t want her to hear me in the background.

Just to add, since we got together officially she has never spoken to me! I actually tried to reach out to her a few times to help their friendship and she ignored me. I feel like if she really was a friend of his she would have made an effort. I think she’s only interested when he’s her lab dog. My gosh how she must love him always rearing his fucking head and him doing it in private. Honestly, I wish he would just fuck off and date her, maybe then he would realise how unhealthy their relationship is/was.

This is a huge problem. Sorry. I’m all on board with mixed gender friendships and being chilled and not being controlling blah blah blah but fuck me love, you are being taken for a right mug here. There is NO WAY I’d stand for this. He’d be out. The first time he locked himself away for an hour to chat to his fantasy fuck he’d be gone because let’s call it for what it is. She’s his “soulmate” in his head. You’re just filler and the “make do”. You’re clearly second best and if she’s said yes back then he’d have gone back to her.

It’s not good enough.

You deserve to be priority.

The mistake you made was getting in the middle of them to begin with. You were rebound and rebounds are never respected or seen as a real person.

This is your LIFE. She never contacts him but the minute something happens his first instinct is to reach out. You can’t fight that. Sorry. He has a hankering for her. This would be a deal breaker for me. I don’t play second fiddle to anybody. Pride. I wouldn’t even give him the choice. I’d find a rental property and be gone. Be interesting to see who’s the first person he calls then. The only way you’re going to stand any chance here is to make him see you. It might not work which is an answer in itself.

Oh and right now, she’s lording it over your life. Imagine how she feels seeing your husbands name pop up on her phone. She’s in charge and they are both disrespecting you. It’s actually sickening and vile and you are way too nice. You need to read that book “why men love bitches”

He definitely loves her. What you don’t want to be is 20 years down the line, old and wasted and she clicks her fingers and off he tucks, leaving you old and with nothing. To be honest, you might as well start again now and find the person who chases you rather than spend your life with him for nothing. Don’t you want somebody who thinks of you like he thinks of her? You’re nobody’s sloppy seconds but that’s how it is

Her 'it hurts to see you change for her...'. Tbh it sounds like she loved him but knew he was no good for her as a romantic partner so kept him in her life but only in a sorta weird extra close friendship kinda way.

If my partner was best friends with a woman then I'd probably want to be pals with her to. That being said if she was really abusive towards him...I wouldn't want him keeping her in his life. And it would be a total deal breaker for me if he did.

Yanbu. Sorry op but its clear he has very deep feelings for her. And he would have chosen her if she had said yes. You have every right to be hurt because he is basically dropping you at every opportunity he could. Why does he need to have a private call with her and shut the door when offering condolences? How humiliating for you. I wouldn't be very tolerant of this situation he has created.

Your feelings are understandable. Your DH is the issue, this woman clearly tried to cut all contact with him when he had anew relationship - maybe out of respect for you or maybe for her own reasons but she is not the issue. I have to hold my hands up and say that myself and my exh are more friendly than my DH would like. We are cordial to each other but then we have a child together. There is not a single fibre in my body that wants him back (I left him) but I am 'bonded' for want of a better word, like family. Maybe thats what your DH and his ex have - a familial type bond that is just embedded and hard to break. I know that's really tough for you and probably for him and her as well. But you are where you are. My heart goes out to her as I lost my dad last year to Covid and its a shitty shitty time to try and get over it and you do need your friends support and DH wanted to support her which is kind. But I really do understand how this makes you feel.

He is so kind and caring, very generous with time and even money to a degree...except when it comes to me. The money aspect is sorted but I never feel like I get the time and care from him. Gosh my heart hurts. I don’t know where I’ll go! His mum lives with us so I will have to leave. We moved away from my family in order for me to live close to the hospital I work at. I don’t know what I can do, the commute is too long and I don’t drive (learning but covid has put all that on hold). I can’t speak to him about this because he will just have a go at me, say he won’t speak to her again and then it’ll come up again in a few months. I just don’t know what the point is. I can’t mentally handle this right now

Have you tried speaking to him about it before?

Does his Mum know he does this? And about this woman?

Why does his Mum live with you? Whose house is it? Mortgaged or rented?

The thing is, whatever the issue is, if his usual response is to have a go at you (even now that he has stopped drinking?) and then make fake promises and nothing changes, he isn't being a great partner.

Making cups of coffee is easy.

He is keeping his options open by maintaining contact under the pretext of 'concern'. he may even believe that he is being a stand up nice bloke.

THis relationship doesnt sound good or healthy for you.

I think the fact that you have had a traumatic childhood and then a violent relationship means that you are accepting this relationship.

I think you would be better of single - but you know you can make that decision not him

OP You say he is better now but if he were, then you would not be posting on here in such a heartfelt and hurt way.
He married you. When he did that he committed to you. Your relationship should be exclusive to you two only and not inclusive of others. It's a special relationship when you marry. It's what makes a couple a 'couple', and she is not a part of this.
I feel sorry for you because you have a child, and because it looks as if you are married to another child.

I am not married to my bloke but we have been together for a long time and he is the complete opposite of your man. If he behaved like yours I would kick him out. I would not stand for it. His behaviour puts her above you, and she knows it and plays along. They have turned you into some kind of unwilling victim standing on the sidelines watching them play their lives out as I see it. It is shitty.

Contacting his bereaved former friend to comfort and support her demonstrates great empathy, forgiveness, generosity and longterm loyalty.

Lucky you; you've landed a really good kind caring man who treats people well. What a great Dad and role model for your child.

No need to be jealous; she got an hour of his time and attention, but you've got him for life. If you love him, celebrate him for who he is, and try to learn from his kindness.

Has she remained single since she spilt with your husband?

@2bazookas

Contacting his bereaved former friend to comfort and support her demonstrates great empathy, forgiveness, generosity and longterm loyalty.

Lucky you; you've landed a really good kind caring man who treats people well. What a great Dad and role model for your child.

No need to be jealous; she got an hour of his time and attention, but you've got him for life. If you love him, celebrate him for who he is, and try to learn from his kindness.

He really isn't, from what OP has shared since. He sounds like a fundamentally selfish prick:

Basically one time he went on a huge cocaine and alcohol binge, stayed out all night and blew 2000£ in a strip club when DC had only just turned 1. This was while he gave me a hard time for asking for money. He also would become really mean when he drank, at one point said my mum was a shit mum because she “let me get molested”

He was also unhappy that OP's ex contacted her, despite OP blocking him and having no interest in him.

So he's a hypocrite too.

He sounds horrible.

Well I tried bringing it up. He had such a go at me, full on shouting. Basically I’m a terrible person because her mum meant so much to him. So much she didn’t congratulate him on the birth of DC, engagement etc. I knew he would react like this but I just feel like fucking shit. I kind of went mad and told him to fuck off after he started shouting. Tbf i did ask him straight up “are you always going to be her white night saviour or is this it” 😬😅
He said I need to speak to someone regarding all of this. I think I just want to fuck off and disappear away from it all. Apparently he was ok when my ex contacted me and when he said he was going to track him down to kill him it was all a joke. Ah, missed the punchline there!

Knew I shouldn’t have fucking mentioned it. Fuck him and fuck her pair of twats.