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Original poster

Ex/one who got away has contacted me years later

73 replies

NameChangeWino · 06/01/2021 12:11

Just that. Almost 5 years ago in spring 2016 I had a Limmerence/obsession with a man who broke my heart. We were young- he was 18 and I was 20 when we first met, to my bitter regret I ghosted him as I was in love with somebody else who was emotionally abusive. A year passed and then we were In contact again, in this year of not speaking (2017) his heart had been seriously broken by a girl cheating on him and I had fallen into the grips of an eating disorder/ self esteem issues. He then left the U.K. (he’s from another European country and was studying in the U.K. at the time! but messaged asking to see me before he left in the spring of 2018). Unfortunately I had an eating disorder at the time and made horrible self destructive comments about myself, including telling him he was desperate and disgusting for even wanting to see/touch me.
He sensibly said he couldn’t see me if I felt like that about myself: however, a couple of months later (summer 2018) he messaged saying he would love to see me if I was ever in his home country, he did care about me and he was pleased I was accessing help for my eating disorder at that point. He lived in his home EU country and I was working in a neighbouring EU country. The messages were left with him saying he would
Love to see me and that was the last I heard from him, in august 2018. I’ve thought about him everyday.

Last night I received a message on FB messenger (we’re not friends, so he must have searched me) saying ‘hey Name change, how are you doing? :)’.

I am in shock. It was sent at 11:30pm his local time. I used to work in a humanitarian healthcare role for a large NGO all over the world, so it is possible the pandemic has triggered him to think of me but we are one year into the pandemic by now!
I don’t know how to reply. I no longer work and have married and divorced in those two years! I married far too fast in the October of 2018 for an easy life (materially I cannot deny I have a life I only dreamt of prior to marrying ex H) and now we are divorcing, which I’m not sad about and always expected to happen. I have thought of this ex every day, including googling his family. I truly feel he is the one who got away. We had such a connection and he was so kind.
I’m embarrassed almost to say I now live in a very oppressive non-humanitarian country, married and now divorcing a local and don’t work etc. I was in ex’s home EU city for the first lockdown as I have a property there.
Sorry if this is a ramble, I just can’t help but wonder why he messaged. He doesn’t know that I live in the Middle East now and would presume I could be anywhere in the world due to my old job so it’s not like he was messaging for a quick shag!
Any advice on how to proceed (if at all) is appreciated. I was thinking of waiting a few weeks to reply as I have a big interview coming up as I hope to work post divorce and don’t want to be distracted.
I’ve thought about this man everyday for years Sad

OP posts:
Ally19 · 06/01/2021 13:54

In all likelihood he's getting in touch because he still thinks of you sometimes. I've never been contacted by an ex who wasn't hoping/ angling for something more again. In particular, you broke up because of your health, not because you were fundamentally incompatible or he didn't like you any more - which means he probably feels like there's something unfinished there.

If you want to explore whether a rekindling of a relationship is possible then I would message back soon but keep it light!! You'll definitely need to tell him what's been going on with you but maybe not in the first message - test the waters first. Don't leave the poor man hanging for a few weeks - that's just mean. On the plus side, you are getting divorced so although it's complicated you are free to explore this at your own pace. Good luck!!

Respectabitch · 06/01/2021 13:57

You aren't going to want to hear this, but given your history with both mental health and relationships, I think the last thing you need is to fixate on an ex right now.

I would recommend you take some time to be on your own, get your head as straight as possible and establish a secure life for yourself before you go opening a can of emotional worms like this.

Dery · 06/01/2021 14:25

If I’ve understood the time line, you’re only mid-20s now. All being well, you’ll have another 5-6 decades to live. Why are you in such a hurry to pair up with anyone? What you’ve described is at the extreme end of the kind of emotional chaos which is quite common in late teens/early 20s when you’re doing things for the first time and finding your place in the world. That’s why relationships entered into then often fail.

Calm down and slow down.

It sounds like you’re wanting to be rescued - that’s why you keep leaping into unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships. But that’s not healthy. Only you can rescue yourself. Spend some time alone. Sort out your MH. Then you may be in a place for a relationship. But you’re not yet.

Ariela · 06/01/2021 14:31

I'd do a quick 'Lovely to hear from you' reply and explain you're mega busy and have a job application for a dream job coming up so lots to prepare for it and that you really won't have time to keep in touch right now but suggest a date to get in touch in coming months 'when life is more normal and the CV-19 threat is dying down and you might be in home Eu city by then'.

NotaCoolMum · 06/01/2021 15:14

@Respectabitch

You aren't going to want to hear this, but given your history with both mental health and relationships, I think the last thing you need is to fixate on an ex right now.

I would recommend you take some time to be on your own, get your head as straight as possible and establish a secure life for yourself before you go opening a can of emotional worms like this.

100% ^ this.
Original poster
NameChangeWino · 07/01/2021 22:16

Thank you all for the replies- definitely food for thought.
I know I am in a better mental place than I was those years ago (as in I don’t accuse somebody of being desperate and pathetic just because they say I look nice.... seriously) and I didn’t marry ex-H looking for a lifetime commitment. I knew I was marrying for money and he was not the love of my life.
Taking all advice on board, and so I don’t mess up my chances with this interview (I am keen to have an identity again outside of X’s wife/sitting around all day), should I wait a couple of months to reply? Or is that unbelievably rude?

I need to see this man again- I have thought about him everyday for years, I can’t not. But I don’t want it to be too soon, obviously
With CV-19 it’s not like I can just travel to his home EU City at the drop of a hat anyway! But if I were to reply in a couple of months (I haven’t opened the message and he can’t see I’ve been online), would that be awful? It would then be ok to say I hope to meet sometime.

The problem is, I don’t know if he’s messaged out of boredom’s/curiosity and nothing will ever become of this or if he has carried feelings for me (as in august 2018 he said he cared about me) and for whatever reason has decided now to contact me again after these years. I suppose I will never know unless I reply.
Do I ask how he is or do I simply state ‘hope you are well’, then it is completely his choice to reply?

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeWino · 07/01/2021 22:17

@Ally19 exactly, he is not a bad person. We didn’t end because of anything that he did and infact he tried to see me before leaving and it was repeatedly me who caused the problems

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeWino · 07/01/2021 22:19

I should probably add, the message was sent at half past midnight (his local EU city time time) so now I’m wondering if he was drunk when he sent this or a late night lonely reflection

OP posts:
MiddlesexGirl · 07/01/2021 22:20

You're distracted anyway. I'd just message him now..... but be prepared it may just be an idle curiosity call on his part.

SunshineCake · 07/01/2021 22:25

So you leave it a few months. Then you message him only to find out in the meantime he's met his future wife and you've missed another chance.

Reply. He's approached you. He wants to hear from you. You've thought about him all the time. Believe me you do not want to spend decades of your life thinking if only, what if.

Message him but kept it friendly, not ex unfinished business like. Wait to see where he is at.

incognitomum · 07/01/2021 22:25

I agree about slowing down. You're investing a lot in this short message.

Original poster
NameChangeWino · 09/01/2021 01:21

So I still haven’t opened the message and he’s just messaged again saying ‘hope you are doing well :)’. I’m extremely curious to know why he is now so keen to speak.... I can only relate it to my former job (that I presume he will think I still do). To message twice in 3 days must mean something?

OP posts:
Miffyliffy · 09/01/2021 02:19

Just reply.

A few months to reply is ridiculous. There's no point in replying if you're going to wait a few months.

I don't see how sending him will distract you from a future job interview. Seems a bit... Crazy.

Seems like you're making so many big possibilities in your head.

Message him and keep the conversation light, see what happens.

CatAndHisKit · 09/01/2021 02:46

agree with others - why on earth wouldn't you reply now? and yes it is a bit rude even if you were not interested, in which case you could just be polite but very brief. If you stonewall him even for a week he;ll see it as disinterest, even dislike.

As it is - you are interested - you need to reply in a more chatty manner but as others said, light-hearted. Why not build up the chat a bit during these couple of months so it will be clear then if you both want to meet again!

justilou1 · 09/01/2021 02:56

I am quite brutal... He may have been let go and is desperate for work. He wants to use you as a reference and is fishing for info.

gradualdecline · 09/01/2021 04:02

You've had a lot of dramatic relationships for someone so young op. An emotionally abusive partner, a marriage, a limerence for someone in another country.

Maybe get your life on track and stop looking for relationships for a while.

DianaT1969 · 09/01/2021 06:03

Just don't over-invest. Yes, he might just be looking for a contact to help with his career. Or he might think of you sometimes and wonder how you are.
The important thing is not to fixate on his motivation. Just guard your own MH.
Message him back and ask how he is. Keep it light. Don't reveal anything about your marriage and divorce.
Concentrate on preparing for your interview.

Backtoblack1 · 09/01/2021 06:10

Reply but don’t jump into anything too quickly. I think you need to sort yourself out a bit first x

Athrawes · 09/01/2021 06:18

He drunk messaged you with a throw away line. That's all.
Sure, message him back, chat, but fix yourself up first before you jump into another relationship with anyone.
You are now a "good catch" having married and divorced for money, so beware golddiggers.

TVDFan · 09/01/2021 07:03

OP be wary. He might only be interested in you for your ex husband's money.
You don't want to get a taste of your own medicine do you?

Tiktaktoe · 09/01/2021 11:20

@Respectabitch

You aren't going to want to hear this, but given your history with both mental health and relationships, I think the last thing you need is to fixate on an ex right now.

I would recommend you take some time to be on your own, get your head as straight as possible and establish a secure life for yourself before you go opening a can of emotional worms like this.

Absolutely this.
shivermetimbers77 · 09/01/2021 11:47

Without wishing to cause any offence, it sounds like you and he both have a pattern of quite dramatic, unstable relationships, so I would tread carefully with this if I were you. Also are you in therapy OP? Might help you to explore your patterns in relationships and your sense of self, so you can go into any future relationships with a stronger sense of self and clearer boundaries. This was also something I struggled with in my 20s, so I do empathise. Good luck.

ilhahih · 09/01/2021 12:04

You aren't going to want to hear this, but given your history with both mental health and relationships, I think the last thing you need is to fixate on an ex right now.
I would recommend you take some time to be on your own, get your head as straight as possible and establish a secure life for yourself before you go opening a can of emotional worms like this.

Perfectly put by a previous poster.

If you could manage to keep it light and just chat to him then I'd say go ahead and chat to him but you're already talking in very emotive language I need to see this man again- I have thought about him everyday for years, I can’t not.
Limerance and obsession is not love and it doesn't end well.

MiddlesexGirl · 09/01/2021 14:50

@TVDFan

OP be wary. He might only be interested in you for your ex husband's money. You don't want to get a taste of your own medicine do you?
That's a completely unjustified and unhelpful assumption.
Original poster
NameChangeWino · 09/01/2021 20:40

Thank all for the replies-

It’s very difficult because I feel like I have made excellent progress in the last few years and friends agree, there’s just something about this man that I adore and I feel he highlights my every flaw. He is extremely intelligent and caring. As for th comments about ‘a taste of my own medicine’ and the man being after my own money- highly unlikely and do not take pity on ex husband. Ex husband is from the 1% (we met because his yacht was stationed close to where I previously worked in a humanitarian setting... I know) and ex love (the one that got away OTGA perhaps?) is from a very privellged background so unlikely to be clawing at my divorce settlement, in fact he doesn’t know I’ve been married.

It is incredibly hard to separate myself from him mentally. I feel as though I either need to reply ASAP in the next 24 hours as he’s already messaged twice in 3 days. Then I think it is 5 years in April since we met and he still
Holds a torch so who knows!

I wish I could stabilise metnralky, but there is something about this man where as soon as he speaks to me I just melt!

OP posts:
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