Ex/one who got away has contacted me years later

[NameChangeWino]

Just that. Almost 5 years ago in spring 2016 I had a Limmerence/obsession with a man who broke my heart. We were young- he was 18 and I was 20 when we first met, to my bitter regret I ghosted him as I was in love with somebody else who was emotionally abusive. A year passed and then we were In contact again, in this year of not speaking (2017) his heart had been seriously broken by a girl cheating on him and I had fallen into the grips of an eating disorder/ self esteem issues. He then left the U.K. (he’s from another European country and was studying in the U.K. at the time! but messaged asking to see me before he left in the spring of 2018). Unfortunately I had an eating disorder at the time and made horrible self destructive comments about myself, including telling him he was desperate and disgusting for even wanting to see/touch me.
He sensibly said he couldn’t see me if I felt like that about myself: however, a couple of months later (summer 2018) he messaged saying he would love to see me if I was ever in his home country, he did care about me and he was pleased I was accessing help for my eating disorder at that point. He lived in his home EU country and I was working in a neighbouring EU country. The messages were left with him saying he would
Love to see me and that was the last I heard from him, in august 2018. I’ve thought about him everyday.

Last night I received a message on FB messenger (we’re not friends, so he must have searched me) saying ‘hey Name change, how are you doing? :)’.

I am in shock. It was sent at 11:30pm his local time. I used to work in a humanitarian healthcare role for a large NGO all over the world, so it is possible the pandemic has triggered him to think of me but we are one year into the pandemic by now!
I don’t know how to reply. I no longer work and have married and divorced in those two years! I married far too fast in the October of 2018 for an easy life (materially I cannot deny I have a life I only dreamt of prior to marrying ex H) and now we are divorcing, which I’m not sad about and always expected to happen. I have thought of this ex every day, including googling his family. I truly feel he is the one who got away. We had such a connection and he was so kind.
I’m embarrassed almost to say I now live in a very oppressive non-humanitarian country, married and now divorcing a local and don’t work etc. I was in ex’s home EU city for the first lockdown as I have a property there.
Sorry if this is a ramble, I just can’t help but wonder why he messaged. He doesn’t know that I live in the Middle East now and would presume I could be anywhere in the world due to my old job so it’s not like he was messaging for a quick shag!
Any advice on how to proceed (if at all) is appreciated. I was thinking of waiting a few weeks to reply as I have a big interview coming up as I hope to work post divorce and don’t want to be distracted.
I’ve thought about this man everyday for years

He was 18 5 years ago, so not really a man then. He's only 23 now. You don't really know him.
By all means reply but don't make a big deal out of it. Keep it light.

Please message back op. I think you will regret it if you dont. Do it now but keep it light like previous ops have said. Let us know how you get on.

Grow up op and think of others for a change. You got married for money (and I don't care how rich he is, it must be heartbreaking to find out someone is with you because of your money!). You treated the one who got away terribly and then he had his heart broken and now you want to mess him up a bit more??

Be on your own, sort yourself out before you go messing other people up.

@Sakurami - Perfectly put. It is hard to be sympathetic when someone speaks so blatantly about marrying someone for their money.

Well if OP really had married for money, she'd haev stayed fr longer - she thought it was a good idea but thankfully has divorced quickly instead of pretending for years to get a bigger settlenent.
I doubt that she's got a sizeable settlemet after such a short marriage! (well she wouldn't i the UK, but who knows about M.East).

Marrying for money knowing you would get divorced is really not cool.

I replied to him-
He said he had been thinking of me a lot due to Covid and was sending me ‘lots of positive vibes’ (presumably due to my old job).
He seems shocked I got married and said he really imagined me to still be single and working.
He asked me lots of questions about my marriage then apologised and said he shouldn’t ask.

I told him I was in his home EU city at the beginning of the pandemic, to which he stated I have have told him I was there! I explained that I was married at the time and he said ‘well some news would have been nice’.
It turns out he is in London right now (until the spring) and I said it would be great to catch up when I am next in London, he then explained he is only there until the spring so I replied ‘oh ok, maybe when I am next in France’ and he avoided the statement then a few messages later he said it is a shame I am not in London right now!

He also said I taught him his favourite word (a niche foreign language word related to my heritage) and he thinks about the word often although he doesn’t use it in conversation.
What do we think? Is there any hope here?

I told him it is nice to speak to him and he agreed he it is.
Is there any hope or do you think he sounds less keen?

I think he obviously thinks of you as a lost opportunity but you are not in a great place. When you say his good qualities highlight your every flaw is that because he says it does things to make you feel bad about yourself or just you don’t feel worthy?

If I were you - and you have nothing to lose - I would be honest with him. Tell him you think about him often but you’re dealing with the aftermath of some poor choices. Ask him if he’s looking for friendship or more.

How would it work though ? Where are you going to be living assuming you get the job you’re after?

I think you should give yourself some space here. Don’t contact him again until you are actually divorced. Throw your energies into getting yourself set up in your new life, with home of your own , job etc. Then once you are settled, see how you are feeling. You aren’t currently free to pursue a relationship with him anyway.

@Longtalljosie I just don’t feel worthy. He is very very intelligent, from a lovely naice family, incredibly well educated and obviously I think handsome! He is the absolute perfect catch.
He said in fact that he admires me and ‘what you are doing and have previously done is not easy, I hope you realise that :)’.

So he in no way puts me down.
The last message was him saying something was impressive, is it ok to reply later today saying ‘thank you :). I do appreciate speaking to you and have thought about you often’.

Such a lot of drama after one little message. If you're prone to this much internal reaction after one sentence, you're not ready for a relationship. If he says three sentences, you'll explode, and if he says he's in a relationship, you'll implode. Steady yourself.

Presuming I get the job I would be based on assignments all over the world but London would be my base and where I will buy a home. In more normal times it would not be a problem to visit Paris or even more there as my actual job is in 3/4 month assignment blocks

Honestly.....and I don't mean this rudely. It sounds like he's in London, a bit lonely and hooking up with any contacts he has there to ease the boredom. (Hence why he didn't respond to your France comment). How do you know you are the only woman he is messaging? How do you know he doesn't have a partner at home? You don't..... please don't read more into this than is there.

I agree with others who say get yourself together first. Learn to love you. Learn to love independently before lurching into another relationship.

Sounds like you're atrracted to his attraction for you - this "perfect catch" is interested in me! I mustn't pass up this opportunity!
In your own words, you don't feel worthy - ABSOLUTELY a bad basis from which to enter a relationship.
My advice would be just casually message if it's fun, but you'd benefit from being single and working on your self esteem.

Honestly, OP, get counselling and sort out your head — your pattern of obsession, abusive relationship, heartbreak, eating disorders, frightening off someone with your self-destructive language and a short-lived marriage you acknowledge was ‘for money’ suggests you really need to stabilise things before you start again on a new cycle of obsession.

Am I right in thinking that despite you saying he ‘broke your heart’, in fact you’ve never had a relationship with him, or had any behaviour from him that indicated he wanted a relationship with you in the past, he’s just someone you used to know at a particularly volatile time in your life? It seems a bit of an overreaction to a brief online chat.

We had a sexual relationship and at the time he told me he wanted a relationship- only there was the issue of the girl who initially cheated on him and he didn’t feel able to take on my problems whilst also recovering from having been cheated on. So we do have a history- maybe not living together with a dog but at one point he was very affectionate towards me and wanted to be with me, he said so himself at the time. I ruined that with my eating disorder (which I have now recovered from).

I feel like you are making this extremely dramatic. Just bloody reply and say ‘hi! Long time no speak. I’m very well, how are you? How are your parents?’

No need to get all deep with it and give him your life story.

Also reading his message and ignoring him for weeks is continuing to treat the poor man badly like you have done so all of those years ago. Be kind. Reply.

@NameChangeWino

We had a sexual relationship and at the time he told me he wanted a relationship- only there was the issue of the girl who initially cheated on him and he didn’t feel able to take on my problems whilst also recovering from having been cheated on. So we do have a history- maybe not living together with a dog but at one point he was very affectionate towards me and wanted to be with me, he said so himself at the time. I ruined that with my eating disorder (which I have now recovered from).

So much history. It's all irrelevant, it's in the past. Basically you've used about 500 words to say 'An ex asked me how I'm doing.' Stop dramatising everything.

“Honestly, OP, get counselling and sort out your head — your pattern of obsession, abusive relationship, heartbreak, eating disorders, frightening off someone with your self-destructive language and a short-lived marriage you acknowledge was ‘for money’ suggests you really need to stabilise things before you start again on a new cycle of obsession.”

This with bells on. I’m not sure you fully realise how emotionally unhealthy your personal history is. And you’re only mid-20s now - what’s the rush?

There are so many things you are saying and doing still which are problematic - I mean - how the hell is ‘highlighting your flaws’ a good basis for a relationship? - but you’re not interested in listening to anyone who doesn’t tell you what you want to hear.

How can you say he broke your heart when it's you who have been consistently awful to him?

You need to work on yourself and leave him alone. It does sound like he's only looking for a hook up, but if he's looking for more then I really wonder why he wants more of the treatment you've already dished out to him. You will continue lurching from one bad relationship to another unless you really take stock of where you are now and what you want

How shitty you married someone just for $$$$$.
There is a name for women like that.
And I feel bad for the unsuspecting ex husband you used to gain financial independence. Hope he finds someone who loves him for him and won’t waste his time.

do not take pity on ex husband. Ex husband is from the 1% (we met because his yacht was stationed close to where I previously worked in a humanitarian setting... I know)

This is such a problematic statement to me for so many reasons.

I this he's interested - you mean something to him - as he does to you. I want to say, just go for it, life's too short. But with caution though, given your previous mental health and recovery, be sure you could manage the potential scenario of this not going in a way to hope and prioritize looking after yourself. True love can appear in mysterious times from my experience, things don't always fall into place at the perfect time within the perfect scenario. Go with your heart, safely... I say x

Update-
Speaking to him has prompted me to reevaluate my life in the Middle East and made me realise how ridiculous the situation I have got myself into is. So today I am flying home to the U.K. permanently.
I didn’t reply through the daytime as I was deciding if it was time for me to come back to London, so last night I sent a message saying:
‘Thank you:). I appreciate speaking to you and have thought of you often. I didn’t contact you when I was in France because I wasn’t sure if you would want me to, or what your circumstances were’
To which he replied saying:
‘Yes these are weird times’
I was slightly surprised to say the least with such a response, I expected him to say more considering he messaged twice last week and initiated the contact.
So I replied saying:
‘Well thank you for messaging me anyway, it’s spurred me to fly home to London tomorrow for good because I didn’t realise how ridiculous my situation in X is until I had to explain it to an outsider’. He then replied saying ‘oh well I hope you don’t regret coming to live under lockdown! I am happy if you feel better this way :)’.

I replied then saying about how I’m looking forward to being with my family and I felt better already knowing in 19 hours I would be back in the U.K.
he read that message and didn’t reply.
I don’t understand how the night before he said it’s a shame I’m not in the U.K. and he would have like to have heard from me when I was in his hime EU city? Is there hope he will message? I am at the airport now, admittedly I feel like a new woman who is able to live a life as I haven’t done that here.