Shocked at just how ugly I really am

[Onefootoutthedoor]

I have seen photos of myself where I think I look quite attractive. I can scrub up ok when I make an effort. In the mirror, I think I'm ok.

But all of these times, I'm still.

Whenever I catch photos of myself moving -laughing/singing or on video or (even worse currently) talking during online video zoom calls, I'm struck by just how ugly I am.

I feel like I'm deluding myself the rest of the time, thinking I'm an averagely attractive, normal looking woman and then I catch sight of myself and realise the truth.

It's starting to make me.feel really anxious about talking to other people, going out and paranoid about video calls.

I've put this in relationships because its affecting my interactions with other people.

I think it must have been there on a subconscious level because I've dumped men in the past for telling I was attractive/pretty because I don't tolerate lying and it feels like a lie. I always used to avoid photos/videos of myself and now I can't escape it and it's making it worse.

Nonsense. I'm the same. I look in the mirror and think that'll do then I see a pic and . Its something to do with the way the photgraph captures your image and the way your brain reads it? (I'm sure someone can explain it better). Bizarrely I have seen the reverse in real life. People looking better in a pic than in real life.
Of course on a more serious note there is something called body dismorphic syndrome which you might need a little help for.

Op your not ugly. Attractiveness is about far more than physical appearance. 💐

I think quite a lot of people feel this way. We spend so much time scrutinising our appearance that when you see it in a different context it makes us feel self conscious.

I honestly would not judge on how a person looks, if you’re fun, kind, friendly, I couldn’t give a shit about what you looked like.

I think you need to find a way to work on your self esteem though. Ending relationships because someone says your beautiful doesn’t sound right.

The thing is that you won't actually look terrible the whole time you're moving/laughing/talking etc, it's just because a still image of you mid-move will look strange if you're caught at a funny angle or something. No one looks their best in candid shots. Also the image you see in the mirror is shockingly different to what other people see.

Fwiw no one else is thinking anything at all negative about how you look. To them your just you.

Same. It doesn’t get any better sadly.

We all look bad when we are caught in motion at an unflattering moment. You look fine in real life.

You've dumped men for telling you you're pretty and attractive ? I don't think they'd say it if it wasn't meant.

I think seeing yourself at odd angles and with bad lighting can make almost anybody look unattractive. I mean I've been shocked myself to see my face on a big computer screen with every small imperfection or line magnified. There are lots of tutorials on how to look better in zoom calls and it seems to be light behind you I think rather than a harsh light beating down from an overhead light. I am also the least photogenic person I know - my husband swears I am much more attractive than some horror photographs might show. By the way, lots of photographs on the internet are properly lit and enhanced. I look lots better with a filter to give me some colour as I look really washed out otherwise. Even one of my bosses commented on how bad my profile photograph was - not that I was ugly but just that the photograph was not flattering. I am sure you are not as unattractive as you seem to think.

You sound totally normal to me, or at least I'm the same.
Accidental front camera is awful, I've thankfully not had to have many video calls.

The world is so full of posed pictures - I think most women don't look so hot without their make up and filters.

Can you reduce calls while you rebuild your self confidence? Is there a small measure you can take to boost your self view? (if make up helps you feel better about yourself then use it!)

Try not to stare at your own camera. Find your jam again -> you are in those meetings for your knowledge and intellect. Your appearance sounds normal, get into the groove of being you!

Rubbish.

So you caught a fleeting glimpse of yourself and now are calling yourself names?? That's emotional self harming right there!!

What about when you're intensely listening to someone speak and then you burst into joyous laughter??
What about when your heart is warmed by something and it shows on your face??
What about when you're showing allegiance to someone's point in a heated group debate and they see you and cling to you for understanding and getting them??

Your body and face are involved in a complex never ending flow of living, not a single snapshot oil painting. Who you are is what is mastering, every day. Take note of this mental health decline and get on top of it.

Sorry, mattering, not mastering.

You sound like a perfectly normal woman with a distorted view of your own appearance.

Generally features closest to average within a population are considered attractive by most, but everyone has their own idea of who is attractive. And physical features are far less important than personality.

Hasn’t there been a surge in cosmetic surgery during lockdown for this very reason? People are seeing themselves differently on zoom etc. I’ve never seen myself talk live before and it is very odd!

I'm quite self conscious about how I look and I know exactly what you mean about photos that your not looking your best. Even the. I find faults.

Then I tell myself, well this is how other people look at me all day every day. They see me without makeup and on bad hair days, when I've been caught in the rain. They know how I look when I laugh or scowl or those moments when I'm in my own world.

It doesn't change how they interact with me. My friends and colleagues don't treat me different when I'm looking rough. I know it's my own insecurities and it might make me stop putting a photo on social media (I'm working on this) but I don't let it affect me in day to day life.

I think people think I’m fairly attractive but I hate almost all photos of myself and really hate any photos of me laughing, with a side profile, not smiling etc. I think it’s quite normal.

I photograph like a gargoyle, but am not too shabby in real life. And nor are you! We’re more than an image! And honestly, Zoom can do one ;)

Do you know folk who look lovely in their social media photos but not so much in real life? I know loads - if you went by IG/FB they are raving beauties, but in real life they are just normal people. What you are seeing is similar - you see a bad photo or angle and think that’s what you look like but it isn’t. I sympathise, though, because I do exactly the same. I hate looking at myself on video calls! The camera lies. The stunning photos on IG aren’t what my friends really look like and your unflattering pics aren’t what you look like either.

I can go out and feel a million dollars, animated, flirty, talkative, attractive and then catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and think who the fuck is that fucker looking at me. Agree zoom is not natural. It's not normal to be looking at yourself while talking and I have had a few wobbles myself when addressing a large group and getting extremely self conscious of my face on the screen. I think for me it was a combination of knowing I was sitting alone in my bedroom talking aloud to myself but also being (in my mind) scrutinised ( the way I judge myself) by 50 other people ( who were probably on their phones and not even paying attention to me) and I ended up panicking and getting wobbly voice etc...

@StiffyByng1

I photograph like a gargoyle, but am not too shabby in real life. And nor are you! We’re more than an image! And honestly, Zoom can do one ;)

Yep, me too.

I didn't even want a photographer when I got married - that's how much i hate having my photo taken.

I was overruled.

Socialisation and the media have done quite a number on most woemn - me included. We are exposed to photoshopped images, film of women who have spent hours in the make up chair, with hairdressers and wardrobe on hand with only the best footage chosen to be shown. We are actively encouraged to compare ourselves to these images and sold products and services to give us the illusion that we can be like them.

The result is significant numbers of women convinced that there is something wrong with their appearance or are even labelling themselves as ugly.

I can guarantee that you are not ugly, just a victim of deliberately induced low self esteem and inappropriate comparisons. I used to tell my students that even Kim Kardassian (or any other beauty icon) doesn’t look like Kim Kardassian away from the camera.

I used to have an addiction to make up. I always wore it, even when home alone and if I left it off I felt terrible. Over the last year I have been very ill, too unwell to even think about putting mascara on and as a blonde that would have been unthinkable! I’ve actually got used to my unmade up face and things that I used to obsess about no longer bother me. Seeing candid photos of ‘great beauties’ without make up also helps.

Anyway. Know that you are not alone. Know that you are a victim of cynical and expoitative marketing. Know that beauty is not skin deep and that who you are is far more important than what you look like.

I used to be like this and then I saw a great quote that changed my view.

If you take a picture of a sunset and then look at the picture and it just doesn't capture the beauty and doesn't look as great as in real life, you first thought is not usually that the sun needs to be changed to look better, it's that the picture just hasn't captured all the beauty that you can see in real life.

A photo only captures the person at one moment in time, in a certain light. There is also soooo much more to beauty than how a person looks. You can be the most beautiful person on earth but if your a dick the attractiveness soon fades and you become unappealing very fast.

I'm certain what you're satisfied with when you look in the mirror is what others see. I think some people are less photogenic than others. I have one eye higher than the other. DP, who is brutally honest, insists he has never noticed, yet in photos it is glaringly obvious to the point where my glasses look wonky. My nose also looks huge and boney in photos and videos, yet it's not something I'd generally be self conscious about. Sometimes I experience a literal sharp intake of breath when I see myself.

I think part of the problem is that, once your brain fastens onto perceived flaws in photos, it's very hard to see past them. They become everything and you don't see your face as a whole, but as a compilation of parts, some of which are more prominent or just less satisfactory than others.

@Momsincharge

We all look bad when we are caught in motion at an unflattering moment. You look fine in real life.

Not quite true. Plenty of people actually look pretty good in candid snaps.

OP I could have written your post. I take a dreadful photo because I’m not a looker by any means.

I've gone from being a very beautiful young woman who could have been a model if I was taller to being a plain and fat 60 year old woman. I'm much happier now and people love me for my personality and kindness and not my looks which is so so shallow. I've never been happier in my entire life. You've only got one life live it and stop worrying.