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Original poster

Is he in the wrong or am i just paranoid?

69 replies

Lleeaahh1992 · 05/01/2021 05:24

Bit of back story me and my partner of 3 an half years have a no porn boundary in our relationship which was brought up by myself and he agreed to it, i know he previously used porn before this. He doesnt allow me to have to have toys of any sort and says if i want something sexually it should be with him not with a toy Hmm and he says its only fair as i dont like porn in relationships and he doesnt like toys so i have went along with it.

I have seen porn a twice in the past on his laptop which he apologized for and promised not to do it again. Then i put parental settings on the wifi as my children got a laptop each and wanted them to be safe online and then i didnt come across any porn searches for a couple of years
This was untill last month i came across porn searches from one day such as teen pussy fucked (he is 25 by the way) i confronted him and he claimed he knew it probaly work with the parental controls on but he was just 'testing out of curiousty' and apologized and says he know he messed up and wont happen again. I didnt believe his excuse and was disgusted by this and lost trust and told him so and we argued he says im too paranoid and i shouldnt doubt him when hes telling the truth and it was nothing untoward. I dont believe that.

Things have been rocky between us since and then today i found searches of XXX which he says he was searching the action movie with the same name, and i found lots of searches saying women in sexy lingerie, big bums in bikinis and numerous other things like that, he says he was searching for gifts for my birthday which is in April and of course i know this is all a lie. We have had an argument he says im crazy paranoid and controlling and i should never be in a relationship with anybody because im too paranoid and wont belive the truth and that i need counselling. I think hes deceptive, sneaky, disgusting and pervey but he's so adamant that im crazy and paranoid he makes me question myself.

OP posts:
theantsgomarchin · 05/01/2021 05:43

You need to ask yourself why you've banned porn in your relationship? I know the general MN consensus is that lots of other women don't allow their partners to watch porn either, but exploring your sexuality is perfectly normal and healthy and I really struggle to understand why so many women don't allow their partners to watch porn at all (there is a limit of course, and if it's affecting your physical relationship and he's using porn in place of being intimate with you then that's a different story).

It does sound like you are being a little OTT and that's entirely my personal opinion, but then again my husband & I have a very healthy sex life and I am aware that he watches porn but it hasn't affected our relationship either physically or otherwise, so it doesn't bother me.

The big question is WHY it bothers you so much?

theantsgomarchin · 05/01/2021 05:44

You clearly don't trust him hence why you're constantly searching his browser history for evidence. There's clearly more to the story than just him watching porn

Original poster
Lleeaahh1992 · 05/01/2021 05:48

I just dont like it in relationships i dont think its right and he also doesnt want me to watch it which i used to do sometimes when i was single. He said he was perfectly fine with it and has had multiple opportunities to say otherwise when i have asked him outright if he has a problem with this boundary he says no and that he wouldn't want me looking at it either anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lleeaahh1992 · 05/01/2021 05:49

Its on a laptop we both use its easy to come across.

OP posts:
Idontgiveagriffindamn · 05/01/2021 05:49

@theantsgomarchin

You need to ask yourself why you've banned porn in your relationship? I know the general MN consensus is that lots of other women don't allow their partners to watch porn either, but exploring your sexuality is perfectly normal and healthy and I really struggle to understand why so many women don't allow their partners to watch porn at all (there is a limit of course, and if it's affecting your physical relationship and he's using porn in place of being intimate with you then that's a different story).

It does sound like you are being a little OTT and that's entirely my personal opinion, but then again my husband & I have a very healthy sex life and I am aware that he watches porn but it hasn't affected our relationship either physically or otherwise, so it doesn't bother me.

The big question is WHY it bothers you so much?

I’d agree with this. Also if it’s a red line for you he’s shown it’s not something he can abide by. You should end the relationship for both your sakes. In my opinion he’s not done too much wrong but to you he’s lost your trust. There’s no point continuing
wellthatsunusual · 05/01/2021 05:51

@theantsgomarchin

You need to ask yourself why you've banned porn in your relationship? I know the general MN consensus is that lots of other women don't allow their partners to watch porn either, but exploring your sexuality is perfectly normal and healthy and I really struggle to understand why so many women don't allow their partners to watch porn at all (there is a limit of course, and if it's affecting your physical relationship and he's using porn in place of being intimate with you then that's a different story).

It does sound like you are being a little OTT and that's entirely my personal opinion, but then again my husband & I have a very healthy sex life and I am aware that he watches porn but it hasn't affected our relationship either physically or otherwise, so it doesn't bother me.

The big question is WHY it bothers you so much?

I can't believe what I'm reading. What sort of man searches for things like 'teen pussy fucked'? Not one that has any respect for women, that's for sure.

The porn industry damages women, and sites like pornhub are awash with rape and violence. The OP doesn't have to justify why she doesn't want it to be part of her relationship. Loads of women don't want porn to be part of their relationship, it doesn't mean they are uptight and unadventurous, it just means that they have a boundary that they want to be respected.

CodenameVillanelle · 05/01/2021 05:52

The pair of you have messed up attitudes to each other's sexuality.
I'm NOT excusing porn use but the reasons you don't want him watching it isn't because you don't like the ethics of porn (fair) but because you see it as 'cheating' or something like that. Having a solo sexuality is perfectly normal and healthy and compatible with being in a relationship.
Your partner's attitude to sex toys is controlling and weird and his view that you shouldn't masturbate only want sex with him is creepy and Uber controlling.
Personally I think you both have a messed up idea of what sexuality should be about but porn is actively harmful whereas sex toys are not so in the hierarchy of being unreasonable he is much more so than you are.

Original poster
Lleeaahh1992 · 05/01/2021 05:54

But he deprives me of ever using a toy or masturbating on my own because he doesnt like me doing anything sexual if its not with him, but he should just happily watch porn after agreeing not to and not wanting me to. The issue isnt whether i should be ok with porn in my relationship the issue is, is he having me on with excuses or am i as crazy and delusional as he says and its all innocent. He wants to stay together but says i need to change and believe him when he says its innocent and that i need counselling for my trust issues because i dont believe him.

OP posts:
wellthatsunusual · 05/01/2021 05:56

I was writing my post as the OP was writing her update. I had assumed her objection to porn was on ethical grounds, but now it seems that's not the case, which obviously changes things somewhat.

All the same, a boundary is a boundary and there is no future in a relationship where boundaries are constantly broken.

Original poster
Lleeaahh1992 · 05/01/2021 05:57

Why is it so abnormal and messed up to not want porn in a relationship?

OP posts:
wellthatsunusual · 05/01/2021 05:58

@Lleeaahh1992

Why is it so abnormal and messed up to not want porn in a relationship?
It's not. It's completely normal.
Original poster
Lleeaahh1992 · 05/01/2021 05:59

The only porn iv ever looked at occasionally in the past is solo adult male, not teens so its really not in the same kettle of fish and that was whilst single.

OP posts:
XDownwiththissortofthingX · 05/01/2021 06:00

TBH if you feel the need to actively police this boundary then you are coming across as being a bit paranoid and controlling, but then, it's your prerogative to decide what is acceptable in your relationships, so if he's doing something you don't like you have every right to object and/or end the relationship.

Personally, I couldn't be with anyone that thinks they have a right to police what I do online, or spends time actively browsing internet histories etc, and I get the sense that rather than it being something you both agreed on, the 'no porn' rule was something that you demanded and he acquiesced to just to keep the peace, because clearly he really doesn't have an issue with the use of pornography.

Original poster
Lleeaahh1992 · 05/01/2021 06:02

wellthatsunusual sorry i was replying to somebody else who said i have a messed up attitude towards it.

I just cant tell anymore if im delusional and paranoid or if it looks pretty obvious hes trying to get on porn thats the issue here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lleeaahh1992 · 05/01/2021 06:04

XDownwiththissortofthingX we had a mutual discussion about boundaries he said no problem. I have asked him multiple times if he has a problem with this boundary he continues to say no. And Its easy to come across searches when you share the same laptop.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 05/01/2021 06:05

@Lleeaahh1992

Why is it so abnormal and messed up to not want porn in a relationship?
It's messed up for either party to feel they have the right to control their partner's solo sexual behaviour. The porn is a red herring. Are you ok with him masturbating if he doesn't use porn?
Goodbye2020Hello2021 · 05/01/2021 06:06

wellthatsunusual
Lleeaahh1992
Why is it so abnormal and messed up to not want porn in a relationship?
It's not. It's completely normal.

I agree!
It is completely normal not to want Porn in a relationship.

Original poster
Lleeaahh1992 · 05/01/2021 06:09

CodenameVillanelle im 100% fine with him masturbating without the porn use doesnt bother me at all. I just think why deceive someone for over three years and agree to something and give them boundaries too, but then sneak around and give ridiculous excuses when found out and then say im crazy for not believing him and i need counselling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lleeaahh1992 · 05/01/2021 06:11

He has been saying its emotional abuse that i dont believe him that he wasnt looking up porn.

OP posts:
XDownwiththissortofthingX · 05/01/2021 06:13

XDownwiththissortofthingX we had a mutual discussion about boundaries he said no problem. I have asked him multiple times if he has a problem with this boundary he continues to say no. And Its easy to come across searches when you share the same laptop.

Well regardless of what he says, he clearly does have an issue with that particular boundary, because he repeatedly searches for an views porn. Even if the issue is simply that he's willing to totally disregard your 'agreed' boundary, that is still an issue with the boundary.

And yes, as PP's have said, it sounds like you both have rather strange ideas about what is acceptable with regards to your partner's sexuality.

You say you've used porn in the past yourself, but it wasn't 'teen' and you were single at the time, so clearly it's not an ethical objection you yourself have to the porn. For a start, how can you be certain the performers you watched weren't teens themselves? The fact you cite the fact you were single shows that you only object to porn if it's used while in a relationship. This I find absolutely bizarre, since people in relationships still masturbate, masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy, so why is a masturbation aid perfectly permissible while single, but not while in a relationship?

Delvianna · 05/01/2021 06:14

Here's what this boils down to... it's not a case of "why are you banning him from porn" etc, it's a case of the fact that he AGREED that he won't watch it and you won't use toys. THE END. Whether the relationship is controlling or not, it was agreed to. If he had a problem with it in the first place, then why'd he agree to it?

So calling you paranoid and controlling is called gas lighting.
"Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that's seen in abusive relationships. It's the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. A victim of gaslighting can be pushed so far that they question their own sanity."--Definition from healthline.

He's pushing you to make you think you're crazy, paranoid, controlling etc when HE AGREED TO THIS. If he can't even keep his promises, what else is he doing behind your back? You have EVERY right to be concerned. Specially since he can't even follow what he agreed to. At this point, I would find another partner. If he wasn't gaslighting you I would say, just all bets are off. He can watch porn and masterbate, and you can use toys. But the fact that he's gaslighting you about an issue like this, means hes ABSOLUTELY going to do it when it comes to a super serious topic. That is NOT a situation you want to be in. I divorced a man who continually gaslit me to the point I was in therapy for years. Don't go down that road. It ALWAYS starts off small.

Original poster
Lleeaahh1992 · 05/01/2021 06:17

My head is just a mess because i have asked for a break from him to decide whether to continue the relationship or not he has gone but all he done before he left was tell me how wrong and crazy i am and none of it was how it seems and im too paranoid if i dont believe him but his excuses are pretty unbelievable in my eyes. I grew up with a terribly abusive father and i can sometimes tend to believe it when im called things enough, hence me being unsure if i am just crazy and paranoid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lleeaahh1992 · 05/01/2021 06:22

Delvianna , thank you this is actually what i suspected he was doing but when your in the situation its hard to see clearly and i start thinking you know what maybe i am crazy maybe i should be trusting and believing everything he says and maybe i am the problem . But then my common sense tells me no way just so damn obvious that he is lying.

OP posts:
XDownwiththissortofthingX · 05/01/2021 06:24

I don't believe you are 'crazy' or 'paranoid', it sounds to me like he's bullshitting you, and as others have said, indulging in what's commonly referred to as 'gaslighting'.

You are within your rights to define the terms and boundaries of your own relationships though, and while I wouldn't accept you policing my internet use or snooping into my history etc, that doesn't excuse him ignoring your stated and agreed boundaries. You are not crazy or paranoid for having boundaries, and then being upset when your partner ignores them and then lies about it when caught.

Original poster
Lleeaahh1992 · 05/01/2021 06:25

XDownwiththissortofthingX but porn isnt universally accepted in all relationships is it, just because you believe it should be doesnt mean everyone shares that view.

OP posts:
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