Is he in the wrong or am i just paranoid?

[Lleeaahh1992]

Bit of back story me and my partner of 3 an half years have a no porn boundary in our relationship which was brought up by myself and he agreed to it, i know he previously used porn before this. He doesnt allow me to have to have toys of any sort and says if i want something sexually it should be with him not with a toy and he says its only fair as i dont like porn in relationships and he doesnt like toys so i have went along with it.

I have seen porn a twice in the past on his laptop which he apologized for and promised not to do it again. Then i put parental settings on the wifi as my children got a laptop each and wanted them to be safe online and then i didnt come across any porn searches for a couple of years
This was untill last month i came across porn searches from one day such as teen pussy fucked (he is 25 by the way) i confronted him and he claimed he knew it probaly work with the parental controls on but he was just 'testing out of curiousty' and apologized and says he know he messed up and wont happen again. I didnt believe his excuse and was disgusted by this and lost trust and told him so and we argued he says im too paranoid and i shouldnt doubt him when hes telling the truth and it was nothing untoward. I dont believe that.

Things have been rocky between us since and then today i found searches of XXX which he says he was searching the action movie with the same name, and i found lots of searches saying women in sexy lingerie, big bums in bikinis and numerous other things like that, he says he was searching for gifts for my birthday which is in April and of course i know this is all a lie. We have had an argument he says im crazy paranoid and controlling and i should never be in a relationship with anybody because im too paranoid and wont belive the truth and that i need counselling. I think hes deceptive, sneaky, disgusting and pervey but he's so adamant that im crazy and paranoid he makes me question myself.

Op can like and want whatever they want, I assume they didnt sign a contract with conditions when they got into the relationship?

@user1471565182

Op can like and want whatever they want, I assume they didnt sign a contract with conditions when they got into the relationship?

So by this logic it's also ok for her partner to not allow her to use toys either?

So by this logic it's also ok for her partner to not allow her to use toys either?

This gets into the subtle difference between a boundary and an ultimatum.

A person is fully entitled to set what ever boundary they want, for any reason they want, and are not even required to follow their own boundary.

It is up to the other person to either accept and abide by said boundary or not, but they need to be honest about it. If they do not accept it, they need to say so.

There is no shame in not agreeing to a boundary, but if they agree to it, then they need to respect it.

He can demand it, and the OP can leave.

OP he's cheating on you.

You know what to do.

Finances/bank accounts/shit in order/safe space/Report back here for everyone to you.

He’s disrespecting the boundaries when you’ve told him your not comfortable with it, you’ve gave up toys and masturbation for him but he won’t give up porn. The fact he’s calling you paranoid and controlling for being upset shows he’s just not willing to acknowledge he’s crossed a line. I’d end it

The 'teen pussy' thing is really quite gross.

Bet you can't stand the sight of him right now!

I agree with others that policing each other's sexuality is quite odd and it's not something I would like. However, you both agreed to something and he clearly has no respect for the boundaries you have made clear or for you, by the sounds of the way he acts when caught out.

Yes he's bullshitting you and it's a total headfuck that he agreed and is now lying about breaking the agreement. Everything else is irrelevant, he's been caught and is choosing to gaslight you and mess with your head rather than own up and admit he can't/won't stick to his side of the bargain.

That doesn't bode well for future differences of opinion and his ability to find healthy solutions and that's a pretty basic requirement in a partner in my eyes. Ultimately he'd rather make you think you're crazy, paranoid and at fault than own what he's done and that would be unforgivable for me, sorry OP

I had this problem. He watched it instead of having sex with me, and when we did have sex, he could never finish inside me. It was always him masturbating on me, just like in the movies. It practically ended the relationship.

Also, he always looked for long haired women with big boobs just like his ex. not envy

I think the whole relationship sounds toxic tbh and yes he's having you on about the porn obviously!

I'd get rid op , you made your boundaries very clear when you met and he agreed to them.

Just commented on another thread like this.
My personal experience is that they will lie and lie again.
Always promising to stop but never do.
They will trample your boundaries and hurt you over and over.
Please don't condemn yourself to a life of anxiety and mistrust. It turns you into a shell.

I havent tried getting on porn i dont do anything like that and you should believe that but you wont because your too paranoid

If I was you I would log onto love honey order the biggest dildo I could find and put it in your bedside cabinet, then when he kicks off tell him he's paranoid, imagining things, and it only exists in his mind....

Would I fuck!! I'd end it rather than going round in circles with a gaslighting bullshitter, and having my toy box confiscated by the dildo police.

I'm guessing he has a shrimp dick and that's why he doesn't want you to use toys.

Porn is him using someone else for his sexual kicks.......whereas sex toys is you enjoying your own body without the 'aid' of another person.......

So....that was an unfair 'deal' he coerced you into....and what he's 'keeping up' isn't his side of the 'deal'......

Don't let him spoil you enjoying your own body - especially when he isn't fit for the 'job'.......

@Lleeaahh1992

wellthatsunusual sorry i was replying to somebody else who said i have a messed up attitude towards it.

I just cant tell anymore if im delusional and paranoid or if it looks pretty obvious hes trying to get on porn thats the issue here.

You are NOT paranoid or delusional. He's the liar here 😡 ye made a deal between 2 adults and he's breaking it over and over and trying to find a way to watch porn without actively typing in the words . Whether people agree with porn or not or whether it's ethical or not , he made you a promise and has repeatedly broken it and is now GASLIGHTING you x

You will get a lot of anti porn on here but in reality it's a normal part of a man's life and most men use it. Yes they might not consider the ethical implications AMA be blissfully unaware, but it doesn't make them all paedophiles or rapists.
You a obviously have very different values. Jusy split up instead of trying to control him all the time. It sounds exhausting tbh.

The no toys thing is ridiculous too. But I guess you're both trying to control how the other one masturbates which is a bit

I think regardless of wether you think porn is acceptable or not, the op has stated that she doesn't want him watching porn, it's a boundary she's put in place that he's crossed several times. This is now less about porn and more about the fact that the ops dp is happy to cross her boundaries and continue doing something they both agreed he wouldn't.

OP he's watched porn after you agreed, with him, that he wouldn't. You now have to decide if that's acceptable or not, if not then you need to decide if it's relationship threatening. If you decide to stay, you are telling him it's ok, you'll be pissed but won't do anything about it. That attitude may also seep into other areas of your relationship too.