Is he in the wrong or am i just paranoid?

[Lleeaahh1992]

Bit of back story me and my partner of 3 an half years have a no porn boundary in our relationship which was brought up by myself and he agreed to it, i know he previously used porn before this. He doesnt allow me to have to have toys of any sort and says if i want something sexually it should be with him not with a toy and he says its only fair as i dont like porn in relationships and he doesnt like toys so i have went along with it.

I have seen porn a twice in the past on his laptop which he apologized for and promised not to do it again. Then i put parental settings on the wifi as my children got a laptop each and wanted them to be safe online and then i didnt come across any porn searches for a couple of years
This was untill last month i came across porn searches from one day such as teen pussy fucked (he is 25 by the way) i confronted him and he claimed he knew it probaly work with the parental controls on but he was just 'testing out of curiousty' and apologized and says he know he messed up and wont happen again. I didnt believe his excuse and was disgusted by this and lost trust and told him so and we argued he says im too paranoid and i shouldnt doubt him when hes telling the truth and it was nothing untoward. I dont believe that.

Things have been rocky between us since and then today i found searches of XXX which he says he was searching the action movie with the same name, and i found lots of searches saying women in sexy lingerie, big bums in bikinis and numerous other things like that, he says he was searching for gifts for my birthday which is in April and of course i know this is all a lie. We have had an argument he says im crazy paranoid and controlling and i should never be in a relationship with anybody because im too paranoid and wont belive the truth and that i need counselling. I think hes deceptive, sneaky, disgusting and pervey but he's so adamant that im crazy and paranoid he makes me question myself.

XDownwiththissortofthingX but porn isnt universally accepted in all relationships is it, just because you believe it should be doesnt mean everyone shares that view.

I have no idea what other people get up to in their relationships, and I'm not about to tell them what should or shouldn't be acceptable. I just don't understand how use of porn as a masturbation aid can be acceptable for singles, but not while in a relationship. Masturbation is, the overwhelming majority of the time, a solo activity, regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not.

XDownwiththissortofthing thank you that was the main issue here whether i am destroying the relationship by not believing his excuses as he has told me i am. I said to him if you have an issue with the no porn boundary then you should speak to me so i can try an understand where your heads at instead of being deceptive, but he said "theres nothing to understand i havent done anything wrong i havent tried getting on porn i dont do anything like that and you should believe that but you wont because your too paranoid"

Because in a monogamous relationship i dont agree with looking at other people naked doing sexual activity for your own sexual gratification it doesnt feel loyal or right for me personally and he says he doesnt want me looking at any porn or naked men either so it was a mutual agreement.

Well you seem to be pretty clear that he's lying, and nobody here is in disagreement with you on that front. So you're not crazy or paranoid, are you?

Again, I don't mean to come across like I'm having a go at you simply because I wouldn't tolerate your behaviour in my partner, I'm not at all. It's simply a point about boundaries. He is ignoring yours, denying it when he's caught, and doesn't even have the intelligence to admit to it, and sit down and have a discussion about it when you are gracious enough to give him the opportunity to explain WHY he has an issue with your boundary.

I suspect he's probably just harbouring embarrassment at being 'caught' masturbating and looking at porn, hence his denial, and it's not even about the fact he knows he's crossed a boundary. He clearly doesn't respect your boundary, so I doubt he'd feel any remorse at being caught disregarding it. Either way, he's clearly broken your trust, so you have every right to feel aggrieved.

Calling someone paranoid means that you suspect something about him with no merit. The fact that you caught it multiple times, doesn't make you paranoid, it makes you right. Trust me, I get it. When you're in the situation, you really start to question yourself. You think, "Am I really being crazy over this?" It's mental and emotional manipulation because he got caught. Instead of taking responsibility for it, he's basically saying YOU'RE the problem. You deserve better than this. I know he's still young, but an emotionally mature person would have just said ,"listen... I know we agreed to this, but I don't think I can handle it." And then you would have gone from there. Instead, he took the manipulative route. I don't think you're crazy either. Never lose what your gut feeling is telling you.

Well your dp is a pretty bad liar.
Just order yourself some sex toys and tell him you were just checking out the site and they mysteriously turned up See who's being paranoid then.

Because in a monogamous relationship i dont agree with looking at other people naked doing sexual activity for your own sexual gratification it doesnt feel loyal or right for me personally and he says he doesnt want me looking at any porn or naked men either so it was a mutual agreement.

This is what I just don't understand.

Most people have this thing called an 'imagination'. Good luck trying to police the images of other people naked your partner conjures up in their head while masturbating. Or do you just prefer to believe they're thinking about what's for dinner, the football results, or something equally as anodyne while they are wanking instead?

This is why you do come across as a wee bit paranoid and controlling. Images on a screen = not ok. Does that extend to images inside their head?

@Lleeaahh1992

CodenameVillanelle im 100% fine with him masturbating without the porn use doesnt bother me at all. I just think why deceive someone for over three years and agree to something and give them boundaries too, but then sneak around and give ridiculous excuses when found out and then say im crazy for not believing him and i need counselling.

I would say your relationship is over in that case. You can't trust his word.

Most people have this thing called an 'imagination'. Good luck trying to police the images of other people naked your partner conjures up in their head while masturbating. Or do you just prefer to believe they're thinking about what's for dinner, the football results, or something equally as anodyne while they are wanking instead?

Imagination and visually continually looking at other naked women are 2 completely different things. If your x had a naked photo of someone they dated that they wanked off to, would that bother you? Because with your point, it shouldn't. As you put it, "Good luck policing the images of other people naked..." How bout a whole TRUNK full of x lovers, women on the street, sexual explicate photos he took of women at a strip club... Why not a nude photo of your best friend? Why stop there? Your aunt? Mom? Co-worker? Where does the line get drawn?

When you continually fantasize about other people, eventually you're going to struggle with performance in the bedroom when he is actually focused on his partner. Women have flaws. ALL women have flaws. You know what doesn't have flaws? Visually edited porn. You'll start to only be able to get release from VERY specific situations, visuals of women, certain acts, etc. You should read up some on the effects of masturbation.

Don't fault OP for wanting the person she's with to think of HER while having sex and not some big breasted 16 year old while he requests her to replicate what he watches because that's the only way he'll get release. You're a bit bashing of OP for her views really...

@Delvianna

FYI, no, it wouldn't, and doesn't bother me, as I don't consider fantasising while masturbating to be cheating, regardless of whether my partner is looking at photos, the internet, or using their imagination.

If my partner genuinely wants to fantasise about my mum, best friend, or my co-worker, then good luck to them. I find that amusing rather than worrying.

I also think you are making a massive generalisation about the effects of masturbation on sexual performance. Most people are perfectly capable of rationalising and understanding the difference between fantasy and reality, and plenty of people still enjoy perfectly healthy sexual relationships with their physical partners, warts blemishes, and all, while still happily indulging in a spot of Onanism when the mood takes them.

Do you think the our ancestors that wanked off to hand-carved fertility dolls and images etched into cave walls suddenly went off their partners and developed 'death grip' just because they looked a bit different to the object of their masturbation fantasies? No, neither do I, just as I don't accept that there's a modern epidemic of similar because of internet porn. It effects some people, undoubtedly those with uncontrolled porn addictions, but it's massively overplayed on Mumsnet by people who object to porn desperate to imply that it's an inevitable consequence of porn use in all instances, when that is clearly absolute nonsense.

The solution here seems to be you both “allow” each other to do whatever you like. So he can watch porn, you can masturbate & have a toy.

You both sound insecure & controlling IMO

Has anyone else noticed that recently there appear to be lots of posters claiming to be women but sounding very much like men?
You can spot them a mile off because they are the ones that come on any thread where the poster is upset about their partners lies and porn use to tell the poster that they are wrong and whatever their objection is, if they aren't delighted that their partner is wanking away in the other room to 'teen pussy fucked' then they are controlling?

The bottom line is you don't want to be with someone who watches porn, and especially someone who has a scant disregard for women. This manchild is both.

Crazy & paranoid are words men use to undermine women and to manipulate them into getting their own way.

He has agreed to your terms and then blatantly disregarded them, right where you can see, so you backdown. He is controlling your behaviour with toys, perhaps in order to have something to bargain with. Who knows?

The crux is - do you want to spend your life with a man like this? If everything else was fantastic then maybe you'd overlook this. It's clearly not and you are yet another woman being manipulated by a man.

Good for you for having the strength and clarity of mind to reject this bullshit.

@Lleeaahh1992

Its on a laptop we both use its easy to come across.

Literally in his case.

Hes lied to you, hes still lying to you and he will continue to lie to you.

He’s lying.

Buy a dildo and leave it on the bed for him to see. Wanker.

The big question is WHY it bothers you so much?

I can't believe what I'm reading. What sort of man searches for things like 'teen pussy fucked'? Not one that has any respect for women, that's for sure.

^ to me, the big question is why would you want someone who searches for teen porn?

With the second question, why would you want someone who agrees to promises and consistently breaks them? This means whenever you disagree on anything in life he might do what he wants anyway and you'll be none the wiser. He is very immature and cannot communicate.

As to the porn itself, there are loads of reasons to hate porn. Read the feminist boards for very detailed discussion.

You wrote

I think hes deceptive, sneaky, disgusting and pervey

If you think this, then really is there any point in continuing the relationship?

You’re being made to feel crazy and paranoid, as you wrote he is telling you are. Is this relationship making you happy?

Perhaps these are things to consider.

For me, I’d be greatly concerned he’s searching out

teen pussy fucked

That tells you a lot about him and are you happy to be with someone who watches this type of porn?

Don't fault OP for wanting the person she's with to think of HER while having sex and not some big breasted 16 year old while he requests her to replicate what he watches because that's the only way he'll get release. You're a bit bashing of OP for her views really...

Totally agree. Massive difference to watching porn and using your imagination. I believe most women would want to think their partners are picturing them and not some anonymous hot little thing on the internet.
I also don't agree porn in relationships is the norm either. I don't want to wonder at the end of the day how many boobs and vaginas my partner has looked at today. Just like he doesn't want to wonder how many dicks I've seen. Why would you want to get sexually turned on by another person, when you're in a loving relationship?

Oh and this....
Has anyone else noticed that recently there appear to be lots of posters claiming to be women but sounding very much like men?
You can spot them a mile off because they are the ones that come on any thread where the poster is upset about their partners lies and porn use to tell the poster that they are wrong and whatever their objection is, if they aren't delighted that their partner is wanking away in the other room to 'teen pussy fucked' then they are controlling?

And op, he's gaslighting you.
You're not paranoid at all.

OP the bottom line is that you are in a rubbish relationship. Good ones don't have to police stuff, lie to each other and argue repeatedly about thjs stuff because they share values and respect boundaries. If the two of you disagree on this / lie / don't trust to the extent you are describing then you need to end this relationship. It's not worth it.

If op doesnt like porn shes perfectly reasonable to not want to be with somebody who uses it. Ridiculous to read otherwise on a forum for mainly women.

@user1471565182 The problem with this is that the OP has admitted to using porn herself in the past, so she doesn't actually have a problem with porn. She has a problem with her partner using it, which is a whole separate issue.

Those people coming on here saying "the OP is entirely entitled to not like porn or not agree with her partner using it" are essentially saying it's ok to control what your partner does and doesn't do. Because she doesn't have an issue with porn - she has an issue with her partner using it, even though she was allowed to. So it's all on her terms. And the majority of you have also agreed that her partner shouldn't stop her using toys.

So hang on. It's ok for her to dictate his sexual preferences, but he's not allowed to dictate hers?

@Lleeaahh1992

But he deprives me of ever using a toy or masturbating on my own because he doesnt like me doing anything sexual if its not with him, but he should just happily watch porn after agreeing not to and not wanting me to. The issue isnt whether i should be ok with porn in my relationship the issue is, is he having me on with excuses or am i as crazy and delusional as he says and its all innocent. He wants to stay together but says i need to change and believe him when he says its innocent and that i need counselling for my trust issues because i dont believe him.

It's your body. He does not own it, nor does he have rights to it.

OP, I don't see the real issue as porn. I think the real issue is trust.

You both discussed and agreed your boundaries, and yet you have caught him several times crossing an agreed boundary.

I wouldn't feel able to trust my partner if they did that to me either.

I'd have a chat with him about trust, and the lack thereof !