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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you were told your sister is getting a divorce, would you ring her to see if she is OK?

52 replies

MeMySonAndI · 26/10/2007 00:00

I'm just asking because I have spent the week emailing with my older sister's 8 yrs old DD, about 8yr old stuff, while wondering if my parents had told her that H and I are separating.

I have just spoke to my father who said that she knows but she doesn't want to talk about it! I'm fuming and wondering why on Earth I have been acting as a sister and providing support when needed for such a selfish bloody cowardly individual who decides that she doesn't want to talk about it so who cares if I need some support?

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 26/10/2007 00:05

Maybe you could ask your niece to get her mother to call you.

Perhaps she just doesn't know how to approach the subject?

Sorry you're going through a difficult time.

I have to say, I would be round like a shot to see my sisters under these circumstances.

Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 26/10/2007 00:10

And so I would, actually, I have gone all the way to the other side of the Atlantic when she has needed help. And now, here I am, on the other side of the Atlantic, in problems and I don't even qualify for a humble email!

Why on Earth do I continue thinking that I can expect my family to act like a family? My mother can hardly keep her mouth shut at being judgemental, my father doesn't want to get involved, although my little sister has made the great effort to come soon to offer more support. But I'm angry beyond belief at my older sister, I have been there for her in inumerable situations and now that I need her help she can't be bothered

OP posts:
harpsicorpsecarrier · 26/10/2007 00:12

why haven't you phoned her?
I am only asking because, if your parents acted as go between, then yhou can't be sure what she says or thinks.
I take it there is no history of providing support
really sorry to hear about your situation, but try and focus on people who will support you, rather than on the inadequacies of people who can't even if they are related to you.
I don't underestimate how upsetting it all is though when your fmily lets you down

Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 26/10/2007 00:20

I have, but nobody picked up the phone. And yes, I accept that I was rather expecting her to ring as everytime I do ring her she just say the usual Hi and then passes the telephone to her DD who then spends an hour talking non stop of things I would be more happy to hear if I were not paying £1 per minute.

Actually, reading what I have just written I shouldn't be that surprised...

OP posts:
Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 26/10/2007 00:50

bump

OP posts:
Cosmo74 · 26/10/2007 01:09

sometimes sisters are the worst friends and because she is your older sister you want her to be there for you but most times it is the younger ones who are less selfish!!IMO stop worrying about her and make sure you are OK - you have plenty of sisters here

slim22 · 26/10/2007 02:37

I would call her and give her an earfull, if only to release your anger.

As for counting on family....well I had a hard time admitting it, but reading other posts on mumsnet, I have come to realise that they are no better than strangers sometimes.
Sometimes keeping a distance is better for your sanity. You don't really need another emotional muddle at the moment do you?

Sorry you have to go through this at this time in your life, though.

PrettyCandles · 26/10/2007 07:11

Sorry to hear you're going through this.

Maybe she doesn't want to tallk about it because it's too close to the bone for her? You imply that she's had troubles herself.

Your dad might have been a bit blunt - men often are - and misrepresented her.

She might be narked that you only ever want to talk to her dd when you call! (Not saying that you do, but it might appear that way to her.)

warthog · 26/10/2007 07:52

maybe she's upset that you haven't told her yourself.

i'd send her an email saying you're having problems and could really use some support.

maisemor · 26/10/2007 08:07

Did you actually phone her and tell her yourself at the same time you told everybody else?

I just know that I felt/feel really miffed at my big sister as everytime someone significant and big happens in her life, she never feels the need to call or email me to let me know. She lets my parents and my little sister know and all her friends, I only get told in passing a few weeks down the line, and then that is all one is allowed to talk about. And sorry but I can't be wasting my time on somebody like that, who thinks I am only good enough to talk to so far down the line. Especially when I told her everything big (and small) that happened in my life the day or the day after they happened.

beller · 26/10/2007 08:15

must admit i agree with worthog andmaisemoor..maybe she is upset that you didnt think you could confide in her? Again not saying this is the case..just might be how its being perceived? xx

slim22 · 26/10/2007 08:36

They are right.
I just assumed you had actually told her.
If you have not, do call and tell her you could use a sympathetic ear.
xxx

edam · 26/10/2007 08:38

To OP - of course I'd phone her and ask about it!

crazylife · 26/10/2007 08:40

I think I would be upset if I heard it from someone else, and some times people don't know what to say and feel uncomfortable.

Hope you sort it out.

Anna8888 · 26/10/2007 08:51

Yes, I think you ought to ring her yourself to tell her. You are adults and shouldn't expect your parents to act as family messengers.

Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 26/10/2007 08:53

I was really really angry yesterday but putting things in perspective, this has been a one direction relationship since many years ago. To be honest, she can't be bothered to do anything. She has always said that as I was the one who left, I'm the one to visit, ring, keep contact. In ten years I have been abroad she has only picked up the phone to ring me in 5-6 ocassions, I have been with her for any major milestone of her children, I have been the one ringing, visiting her (I have to fly for 20 hours and drive for another 5 to get to her house, so it is not as if this was an easy task), and providing support when she needed it.

It is not exactly the best time to do this, but I think I have finally come to terms with sacking her as a sister.

OP posts:
Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 26/10/2007 08:55

I rang her, she didn't pick up the phone and, she never rings back if you leave a message. There is a 7 hrs time use difference so there is just a tiny window of time when I can ring her and find her at home or awake.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 26/10/2007 08:57

MMSAI

You are at a very difficult point in your life with lots and lots of stresses.

Your sister may be far from perfect but I wouldn't direct your anger at her right now. If she is unable to support you, so be it, and accept it. But divorce is a bit radical .

Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 26/10/2007 08:57

...hence why I rely on my parents to comunicate with her. They speak on the phone 2-3 times a week.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 26/10/2007 08:58

Are your parents and your sister in the same country? Is that your country of origin?

Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 26/10/2007 08:59

Dear anna... do you think I'm getting to the point where I'm breaking with every worthless relationship? [tongue in cheek comment BTW...] I really don't know why I keep expecting things from them...

OP posts:
Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 26/10/2007 09:00

Yes, same place. Although she lives 5 hours away of my parents and the nearest airport

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 26/10/2007 09:02

MMSAI

When you are under a lot of stress it is not always easy for others to know what to say or do.

If (as I think you are saying) your parents and sister are in the same country which is your home country it may be very, very difficult to imagine what your life in another country is like.

I have been there, with my parents completely unable to understand what my life was like. It took me ages (years) to explain...

It's not necessarily that they don't feel, they just can't understand.

Anna8888 · 26/10/2007 09:03

Your relationship with your sister is probably not worthless, but I suspect that her and your life experiences are very different... am I right or wrong?

fleacircus · 26/10/2007 09:07

I speak to my mum a couple of times a week and she'll tell me about things that are going on for my brother and sister. I get on well with both of them but if I've heard something from her I tend to behave as if I don't know it until they choose to tell me themselves. I wouldn't want them to think I'd been gossiping about them - my mum tells me things that are worrying her because we're close and she doesn't worry about me, IYSWIM.

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