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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you were told your sister is getting a divorce, would you ring her to see if she is OK?

52 replies

MeMySonAndI · 26/10/2007 00:00

I'm just asking because I have spent the week emailing with my older sister's 8 yrs old DD, about 8yr old stuff, while wondering if my parents had told her that H and I are separating.

I have just spoke to my father who said that she knows but she doesn't want to talk about it! I'm fuming and wondering why on Earth I have been acting as a sister and providing support when needed for such a selfish bloody cowardly individual who decides that she doesn't want to talk about it so who cares if I need some support?

OP posts:
Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 26/10/2007 09:08

Well, yes... last time I saw her when I mentioned I wanted to get a divorce she told me that I was not here to change the world but to conform and submit to H's needs.

I shouldn't be that surprised...

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Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 26/10/2007 09:12

Fleacircus, we don't gossip about each other. I may be ranting here but this won't be discussed with any other member of the family. There are enough problems as to make them worse gossiping about each other, we normally try to change the subject if any one complains about any other in the immediate family. And using my parents as a point of contact has always been the case.

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Anna8888 · 26/10/2007 09:13

MMSAI - culturally you and your sister may have grown apart... what do you think?

Do you think you would ever be able to live in your country again, in a life similar to your sister's?

Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 26/10/2007 09:19

Culturally we have never been together, we have always being very very different, but at the end of the day I was there for her when she needed it. But yes, we have grown apart, I have been the one making the effort all these years so I think it is about time to stop.

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SSSandy2 · 26/10/2007 09:19

I wonder if she was jealous of what you had before. She is being less kind than she could be at the moment. Perhaps her own marriage is an unhappy one.

Hard not to let these things drag you down but I think you need to find people who will listen and help. Do you have good friends where you are? Do you plan on staying in this country after divorce or going back home?

fleacircus · 26/10/2007 09:25

MMSI - I didn't mean to suggest I thought you were gossiping, but that if she's heard it from your parents rather than you she might not want you to think that they've discussed your situation. But in your later post anyway you say that you had talked to her about it so that's obviously not the case.

Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 26/10/2007 09:26

In the short term I'm staying, I need to evaluate what the best would be. In one hand our standard of living would be far better in my country but I need to consider DS's needs too.

I felt like going home for a couple of weeks to get myself together about all this. I feel a bit of an orphan staying here if DH and I are no longer together as he was the reason to stay here through out these years. But at the same time I think I may be expecting for support from my family that is really not there.

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BabiesEverywhere · 26/10/2007 09:28

Yes, I would ring my sister if I knew she having problems.

But you can not be sure what your sister knows, I would email her telling her you really need to talk you have problems you need to talk about. Good time to ring are x and y. Hope to hear from you soon.

Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 26/10/2007 09:28

Fleacircus, I just mentioned about the gossip because it is something that happens in many families. No offence taken or meant.

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SSSandy2 · 26/10/2007 09:28

Do you have good friends still back home? Could you rely on help from your grandparents or cousins say if not from your closest family?

If so, I think it is a good idea to go back for a while and make comparisons.

Anna8888 · 26/10/2007 09:31

MMSAI - I went back to the UK for a while and it did me a lot of good to be back in an environment where I could count on family support . It reduced my stress levels hugely, so that I could actually think rationally about my life rather than just carry on in an exhausted fog.

And it helped me reconnect with my family, which was a very good thing.

Anna8888 · 26/10/2007 09:32

Incidentally - I think your DS needs a happy mother

Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 26/10/2007 14:45

Good friends, I have many, unfortunately all of them have been as nomadic as I am, hence they are all around the world but no longer back home IYWIM.

I have a huge extended family which I consider good friends, however, I was counting on my immediate family for the support but as I say... I think I may be idealising the things from the distance, as that support may not be available. My mother got a bit defensive about supporting me financially! as if I needed that! I have not asked them for money or accepted any money from them since I was 18 yrs old!

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maisemor · 26/10/2007 20:29

For what it is worth MeMySonAndI, I have been where you are, expecting emotional (not financial) support from my family, and they are just not willing to part with it (in my direction anyway). They refuse to believe that I was in it for the respect/concern/love than the money. If that makes any sense.

I hope you find some kind of support in RL to help you through all the practical stuff. Are you planning on moving back home with your son or are you going to stay whereever you moved to?

Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 27/10/2007 00:07

I have to say that I have felt very touched by all the unexpected support I have received, from the women at the Centre for Separated Families, to WendyWeber who drove all the long way from her house to mine to lend some support. And everyone who has so kindly supported me here providing advice, help or just hearing me rant.

The question now is where is home? I have been here for almost ten years, I still miss things from my country but this country has slowly crept on me so I'm sure I will miss it miserably too! At the end of the day, I will need to take a decision in a few months time based on how things go in this new time being back on my own. I felt I needed the support of my family... but if that is not forthcoming...

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Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 27/10/2007 22:05

Oh God, she has just rang!

Unbelievable...

S: what are you doing up this late?
me: Oh it's just 9:30
S: I'm doing the washing. [giggles]
me: Oh me too
S:[Giggles] so what do you plan to do?
me: Have you seen my email?
S: No, what did it say?
Me: Something I said when I was very angry (explains the situation and asks to delete said message before opening)
S: [gigles again] so, what are you going to do? [giggles]
M: I don't know, I ...
S: (interrupts and yells to her son) DS!!! MMSAI wants to talk to you!
Me: No, wait..
S: [Puts child on the phone and leave us to it until child abandons the phone]
S: [takes phone back] So what are you going to do?!?!? are you working???
Me: Yes, I'm working.
S: OK I'm going to watch TV and take the washing up out.
Me: Good, watch it well
S: What?
Me: The TV
S: Ah OK, bye!
M: Bye!

I really don't know whether to cry or laugh at this call. I really don't!!!

OP posts:
ssd · 27/10/2007 22:12

she sounds crap like my older sister

self centered and crap

Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 27/10/2007 22:25

Sorry you have the same problem. Holy... do you also feel like laughing at some point? because I'm feeling like it right now, I'm no longer furious but I'm still quite disapointed at her.

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Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 27/10/2007 23:26

Why am I still bumping this thread? First night on my own and bored?

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Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 27/10/2007 23:41

Just opened my email again... and my sister's DD has sent me yet another email but this time asking why I do not write to her. [hits head against keyboard]

I have answered every one of the 8 e-mails she has sent this week with far more phrases than hers. No further sign of her mother yet....

Why Am I doing this? my older sister bullies my son when she has oportunity, and here I am answering kindly every single email from my niece without her mother having any consideration for us!

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Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 28/10/2007 00:07

Now she has just sent me several photos of her children, no comments or words whatsoever...

really, I understand that sweeping the problems under the carpet is her style but isn't she pushing it a bit too far?

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slim22 · 28/10/2007 04:34

don't know what to say. I've read and re-read the thread, she sounds very self-centered........really sorry you have to go through this without family support.

Maybe you just need to be more blunt and tell her HEY STOP FOR A MINUTE, get off your rosy cloud, their is smthg painfull going on in my life and I need support.
Some people just want to avoid acknowledging, let alone discussing problems. Is she likely to have that sort of attitude. Maybe it's not that she doesnn't care, it's that she doesn't knwo how to handle it?

Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 28/10/2007 08:32

Oh well, yesterday after my last post she sent another 7 photographs of her children.

I asked, very politely, how would she feel if she had a serious problem and needed a bit of support and I sweeped the problem under the carpet, and started sending photos of my family.

She has blown up at this. Has sent me a very nasty email saying that I got myself in this problem and she is not here to solve my problems, followed by 2 paragraphs making a fuss about me not willing to see the photographs of her children (obviously got the wrong end of the stick)a nd putting herself as a victim of my "horrible" behaviour.

I have sent her an email saying that it was not about the pictures but about her attitude, that I was not expecting her to solve my problems and that if it made her happy to make up I am annoyed because she sent photos of her children , so be it. I'm tired of being the one that keeps this relationship alive so that's it.

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ssd · 29/10/2007 07:28

don't blame you

only answer is to try to keep your distance

uou sound like me, continually having your hopes up then being disappointed

I try to think of my sister as like a distant cousin, someone I'm related to but also have nothing in common with

Original poster
MeMySonAndI · 10/11/2007 20:36

I can't believe my parents!!! The last blow on the marriage was that my omniprescent MIL had an art exhibition where she put a photo of DS with the caption "THe grandson I do not know". THat was sort of the last straw and we are now separated 3 months later.

My parents got the invitation to the exhibition and have written her a letter wishing her every success in the future, etc., etc. It wouldn't annoy me so much if she had not used any single kind thing my parents did for her to get back to me.

My father says that they are indebted to her because she invited them to dinner last time they came with us to her city (5 years ago?). And asked me to be patient and nice to her when she visits exH in a couple of weeks time! What cloud does he lives on?
(I wouldn't be rude to her but... I would not meet with her either!)

What gets to me is that everytime my parents have ignored her behaviour and act towards her as if nothing has happened, she has got the message that I don't have the support of my family and she has used it against me.

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