Children's clothes from the ow

[Hattifatteneners]

So just need some collective wisdom. Happy to be told I am being unreasonable (and I wonder if on some levels I am)

ExH left me for an OW about a year ago. I am moving on and the split has remained amicable. They are still together and our DC and her children are similar ages. They have all been introduced and now spend a lot of time together.

What is irking me is that every time the DC come back from time with their dad, they are wearing hand me down clothes from her kids. It just feels really insensitive on exH and ow's part. If she wants to give them her kids clothes that is fine, and I am, on some levels grateful that they all seem to get along and the ow seems kind. And the kids are excited with their clothes etc.

But would I be unreasonable to ask exH to keep the ow clothes at his house? (Subtly without causing a scene, just hand them over in a bag and say, 'these can stay at yours so you have a supply of clothes')

It just still feels very raw and humiliating when they walk back through the door wearing 'her' clothes.

Or do I just need to accept this is another thing I need to smile and nod at (which I am becoming expert at)...

I think that it might make the children feel weird if you bar them from wearing clothes that they like while at yours. Would you expect them to change before coming back to you?

How do you know they're hand me downs?

If your children are happy to wear them it wouldn't bother me!

Honestly, I'd save your energy for things that matter.

I can see how this is irritating but there are bigger things in life. If the kids like the clothes, be happy about them.

You're not moving on if you're still calling her the other woman. She's your ex's partner.

Well they are definitely worn/old clothes. And the kids come in saying 'ow' gave me Timmy's jumper/t shirt etc etc.

The last thing I want to do is make an issue around the kids, they like the clothes. I just feel like my house is being invaded by her stuff; I know that this is my issue.

I am just finding it hard

@Orf1abc

Quite unhelpful and doesn't even attempt to answer the question 🙄

What happens with clothes generally, do they have a set at yours and a set at his or do they pack a bag when they go stay? If they come home in other clothes, do they also bring the clothes you bought for them home?

Once your kids have grown out if them sell them on. You'll get them out the house and make a bit of cash out of it, may make you feel better about it 🤣 I wouldn't like it but you'll look like a dick in your kids eyes if you don't let them have it. This fight's probably not worth it x

Bag up all the clothes subtly. When they go for contact put the clothes on them.

That way you keep all your nice clothes and they don’t get lost.

I wouldn’t bother mentioning it to your ex, if he’s happy to put your dc in the clothes in the first place he won’t care about your feelings, OW certainly won’t give a shit.

So I wouldn’t make it a thing if that makes sense, but I wouldn’t have my dc wearing hand me downs from owe kids either. It would piss me off too.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. It would irritate me. I’d just bag them up when your kids have taken them off and donate them to charity. I wouldn’t mention it at all to anyone, just discretely get rid of them. The kids probably won’t even notice.

@Orf1abc to be honest that is what she is (and I referred to her in my op and subsequent posts for context and to identify her consistently) I would have less issue with her things arriving in my house if their relationship wasnt the result of deception and humiliation I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️
In real life I refer to her by her real name...
To the other pps thanks. I know I just need to rise above it and be happy for the kids.
I doubt I will make much money from them, but I like your thinking @MRC20

Speak to your ex husband about it and be honest about how you feel about it because how you feel matters in all of this as well. The children don’t need to know of this issue. Sounds like you’ve been really accommodating with everything with the ow, the situation, her life, his new one and also allowed all the kids to form a relationship in the first year. They have been incredibly lucky.

I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask your Ex to keep the clothes at his house. If your kids take a bag each time could you gather up those clothes, put them in a bag and suggest their dad keeps them at his house so they don't need to keep taking clothes back and forth. Also could add something like any clothes he or his dp get for the kids should stay at his house so the kids have a choice of clothes there.

By they I mean the ex and the ow

I hear you OP. It's like their energy all over your precious children. YANBU to feel icky about it. But you can't make a thing out of it in front of the kids.

Just return 1 item at a time in the washing or spare-clothes bag and pay them lots of compliments if they're wearing things you know were not bought or donated by the OW.

Or what @NotThatKindOfDoctor said - charity shop!

I would hate that op (i hate hand me downs) and i can see why your hurt.
she might just think she’s being kind/ helpful though.
it’s hard id just use them clothes for when they go to their dads maybe

I think it's a good idea to send them back in her clothes (or at least encourage those choices). He has clothes for them at his, but there is a natural flow of things between the houses.

I would never dream of saying anything in front of the kids or making an issue of it.

Yea I think you just need to ignore it if your kids are happy.

Save the energy.

I can understand why it feels weird and insensitive though.

My OW buys the kids clothes she knows I can't afford. They're dressed up like dolls. My kids where hand me downs at home. To be honest though, I'm grateful she's able to provide for them (because she took my job too). As long as the kids are happy and treated well, what matters. Honestly it will hurt less as time goes on I promise. Just make sure they're retuning your clothes.

Sorry that this happened to you OP, it must hurt. The clothes are just clothes, let them go, you are clearly the better person here.

I think it just sapped my energy totally when they returned to me yesterday in all these different clothes, it's just a kick in the stomach. There are all sorts of weird and difficult feelings flying around in these early days of my DC becoming part of another family unit. I am trying to navigate that.

But I will take your advice on board and either just try to get over it with time and send stuff back as and when it's appropriate.

I mean your feelings are more than understandable. No one wants a physical reminder of being hurt and cheated. You’re only human.

Sounds like you’re doing a fab job staying amicable for your kids though...and that’s no mean feat. Many parents wouldn’t manage that in your situation.

God this would make me uneasy too. I'd want to do something like getting the kids to paint a massive canvas 'for daddy and ow' and make it awkward that they have to display it somewhere prominent or giving them old tat from my house that they'd have to deal with. But I'm petty and it's probably not the best course of action.

She sounds like a twat and you obviously are the bigger person here.