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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Children's clothes from the ow

73 replies

Hattifatteneners · 03/01/2021 20:36

So just need some collective wisdom. Happy to be told I am being unreasonable (and I wonder if on some levels I am)

ExH left me for an OW about a year ago. I am moving on and the split has remained amicable. They are still together and our DC and her children are similar ages. They have all been introduced and now spend a lot of time together.

What is irking me is that every time the DC come back from time with their dad, they are wearing hand me down clothes from her kids. It just feels really insensitive on exH and ow's part. If she wants to give them her kids clothes that is fine, and I am, on some levels grateful that they all seem to get along and the ow seems kind. And the kids are excited with their clothes etc.

But would I be unreasonable to ask exH to keep the ow clothes at his house? (Subtly without causing a scene, just hand them over in a bag and say, 'these can stay at yours so you have a supply of clothes')

It just still feels very raw and humiliating when they walk back through the door wearing 'her' clothes.

Or do I just need to accept this is another thing I need to smile and nod at (which I am becoming expert at)...

OP posts:
SilkyMoonfaceandTheSaucepanMan · 03/01/2021 21:51

@howdoyouknow123? The OW took your job too? Shock

Redflaggs · 03/01/2021 21:52

@Hattifatteneners if you see the clothes or not the pain is from what he did and this is just added shit.

So I would wash them, add extra softener so they smell like yours and hand them back to him, for when they children need to use them again ( well that's the reason you use)

But the real reason is, that they will smell of your home and it shows how unbothered your are and organised.

Eekay · 03/01/2021 21:52

You're obviously being incredible for your kids' sake. The clothes are just a visual reminder of the situation you've been put in.
You're right not to make a fuss over this issue, but I just wanted to say I don't think it's irrational for this to have privately pushed your buttons.

yikesanotherbooboo · 03/01/2021 21:59

I can totally understand how you feel; it's early days and it must be really tough having to face up to them all the time.Having said that, you are clearly wanting to keep life smooth for the DC and I think that making slightly petty rules regarding the clothes is not good for the DC . Will it really make you feel better? The DC probably like being part of an club' and that's great, sharing clothes is adding to their feelings of belonging and long may that last. Just ' let it go ' as Elsa would say.

blisstwins · 03/01/2021 22:08

It is a kick in the stomach and these are not sensitive people. You are totally justified to feel as you do and to be bothered by this. Cheating is not normal or decent and this is another intrusive bit.

I would not give them the satisfaction of knowing you are bothered, but I would try to either make those clothes land there. In time you will not care, but do not feel bad about being upset for one minute. It sucks.

NotThatKindOfDoctor · 03/01/2021 22:11

@howdoyouknow123 she had an affair with your husband AND took your job?! WTAF! You are a much nicer person than me, I would have burned down the entire world.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 03/01/2021 22:16

Not the same scenario but periodically we do a clothes amnesty and I send back stuff to his house and he sends my stuff back to mine - I badge it like this and make sure it happens every couple of months otherwise I end up buying 4 pairs of jeans and not having any at my house for them to wear - I also get the children on board and ask them to bring stuff back as I can’t be doubling up on clothes and providing for both houses. It’s liberating once you are able to stop giving a shit about what the ex thinks - it’s nice to be able to send back the clothes that you don’t want and have the (nicer) ones you bought at home.

RachelHRD · 03/01/2021 22:46

I tend to send back the hand me downstairs my kids arrive back from ex with from his girlfriends kids, when their Dad picks them up. That way the kids are happy, but they are mostly wearing stuff I've bought them when they are with me, and they have enough clothes when at their Dad's. She has questionable taste anyway.....hence why she's with my ex 😄

RachelHRD · 03/01/2021 22:48

Hand me downs obviously!

Silenceisgolden20 · 03/01/2021 23:00

It's completely understandable. It's only been a year! You're doing amazingly well.
It will get better in time and honestly you will get to a place where you will think nothing of it.

I found it incredibly hard when my children were taken abroad for the first time with their dad and new partner when I had never taken them. Their first time on a plane I never got to share. I was so upset.
The children were excited and I didn't want them to feel guilty.
I spoke to kind friends and I cried behind closed doors.
Few years layer they do come home in hand me downs(usually school uniform)but to be honest, they get lost in all the clothes and washing.
I would advise not speaking to your ex about it, speak and vent to friends. Keep the conversations with ex on more serious things or he may use it against you or the children may find out and feel awkward.
They will think nothing of it if you act like it's no big deal.
It is a big deal to you but not them. Be kind to yourself.

Silenceisgolden20 · 03/01/2021 23:02

@Martinisarebetterdirty

Not the same scenario but periodically we do a clothes amnesty and I send back stuff to his house and he sends my stuff back to mine - I badge it like this and make sure it happens every couple of months otherwise I end up buying 4 pairs of jeans and not having any at my house for them to wear - I also get the children on board and ask them to bring stuff back as I can’t be doubling up on clothes and providing for both houses. It’s liberating once you are able to stop giving a shit about what the ex thinks - it’s nice to be able to send back the clothes that you don’t want and have the (nicer) ones you bought at home.
Oh yes I do this too! Especially when I've got them something new and I haven't seen it for ages. It's got lost in their washing But it does come back once they look for it.
theleafandnotthetree · 03/01/2021 23:03

Can I just say OP that your attitude in keeping your feelings to yourself, and putting the children's happiness and well-being above your own, is so admirable and mature. You are a trooper, taking the high road is not always easiest but it is nearly always best

Stripyhoglets1 · 03/01/2021 23:05

I'd just try and wash them asap and pack them up to go back with them next contact visit. Then they aren't hanging around messing with your peace. Clothing your children feels like such a personal thing and you don't want the person who's contributed to the destruction of your family doing that when the children are in your own home.

LudoTrouble · 03/01/2021 23:07

This would drive me insane. I am quite petty when I am angry so I would find it impossible to rise above and ignore this. I'd probably put all handmedowns in a bag in the laundry as they come into the house and never get them out again.

I would never give the other parties the satisfaction of talking to them about the clothes though. I would not mention it.

caringcarer · 03/01/2021 23:42

Bag it all up and give to.ypur ex and ask if they can wear the stuff at his house. You prefer to see them in clothing you have bought them. Your ex is being insensitive and the OW just rubbing your nose in it.

CherryBlossomTree7 · 03/01/2021 23:50

I would feel the same way you do.

But as a pp said, I would not give him or her any satisfaction by mentioning it. I would just get them changed as soon as they get back, wash the clothes, bag them up and put away ready to return when they next go there. If anyone asks (like your DC) why they have to get changed as soon as they get home, well coronavirus means that clothes should be washed promptly after being out.

Badwill · 03/01/2021 23:54

I'd say nothing. Wouldn't give them the satisfaction of thinking I cared but I'd discreetly get rid of those clothes little by little to the charity shop.

Completely understandable why you'd be irked by this, they are insensitive twats which is hardly surprising given the nature of their their relationship.

You sound like you're handling this amazingly OP. Your DC are lucky to have you.

LindaEllen · 04/01/2021 00:04

It's pure shit to have a different set of clothes for each home.

My DSS has designer clothes at his mum's house but more high street ones here as we can't afford what she can - and she doesn't allow him to bring the clothes from her house with him when he comes here. So he can't even throw yesterday's hoodie on, he has to get changed into the clothes he arrived in (the clothes from our house).

She's the same with his laptop, so he has to have two, which gets confusing with his work sometimes.

You should be glad that they have a stepmother who seems willing to give them things. You see so many horrible stories of step families, this should be a good thing, so long as your kids like the clothes.

Woodlandbelle · 04/01/2021 00:11

cherryblossom has nailed it. Quietly tidy them away for the next visit without a fuss. I think you are wonderful for being this calm about it all.

frazzledasarock · 04/01/2021 00:12

It’s pure shit OPs ex fucked another woman whilst still married to OP.

It’s pure shit that the OW and exH then see fit to put OP’s DC in OW’s DC’s hand me downs. And OP has to have the reminder of the very fresh very recent fall out of her ex’s affair in her house.

Shit people will create shit situations 🤷🏻‍♀️ . The normal thing would be to return the DC in the clothes they went to the OW & ex’s house in. The shit thing to do is put them in her kids hand me downs.

They’re shit people, OP is looking for a sensible solution which also lets her cope without causing issues for her DC. Many of us can sympathise.

CommanderBurnham · 04/01/2021 00:14

When your children have finished with them, make sure you bag them and send them back.

Mintjulia · 04/01/2021 00:20

Op, I have a very simple rule with this. Everything from the ow gets misplaced, ie if fit to wear, it goes to the charity shop and if not fit to wear, it goes in the bin. No discussion. No headspace or guilt.

I find it doesn't happen any more. Smile

Itsybitsydooda · 04/01/2021 00:26

Personally I would just request that they wear their own clothes.
Are her own children dressed nicely and then she's putting your DC's in hand me downs all the time? I'd be fuming.

80sColourfulChristmas · 04/01/2021 00:36

@Babyfg

God this would make me uneasy too. I'd want to do something like getting the kids to paint a massive canvas 'for daddy and ow' and make it awkward that they have to display it somewhere prominent or giving them old tat from my house that they'd have to deal with. But I'm petty and it's probably not the best course of action.

She sounds like a twat and you obviously are the bigger person here.

You are exactly the same as I am!! Grin
snappyoldfartypants · 04/01/2021 00:42

That must be such a hard situation to be in, you sound strong and I think this would annoy me as well.