Children's clothes from the ow

[Hattifatteneners]

So just need some collective wisdom. Happy to be told I am being unreasonable (and I wonder if on some levels I am)

ExH left me for an OW about a year ago. I am moving on and the split has remained amicable. They are still together and our DC and her children are similar ages. They have all been introduced and now spend a lot of time together.

What is irking me is that every time the DC come back from time with their dad, they are wearing hand me down clothes from her kids. It just feels really insensitive on exH and ow's part. If she wants to give them her kids clothes that is fine, and I am, on some levels grateful that they all seem to get along and the ow seems kind. And the kids are excited with their clothes etc.

But would I be unreasonable to ask exH to keep the ow clothes at his house? (Subtly without causing a scene, just hand them over in a bag and say, 'these can stay at yours so you have a supply of clothes')

It just still feels very raw and humiliating when they walk back through the door wearing 'her' clothes.

Or do I just need to accept this is another thing I need to smile and nod at (which I am becoming expert at)...

I’d be making PA remarks about the ‘poor quality’ clothes they keep returning in. “Can we stick to returning them in the decent clothes they were sent in please? Thanks!”

YANBU - to be upset or angry Id WANT to send them back with a terse note about his kids not being second rate citizens & that he needs to buy them clothes for his house as they do for her kids,

However, as a child, I LOVED any hand me downs (but they were from cousins) I have a photo of me in. T shirt that had gone through my 4 boy cousins then me (70's clothes lasted & storages looking bright) & a pair of jeans that were hands down & I LOVED them. (I was lucky though as I was the first granddaughter & the eldest at home, I got plenty of new clothes too)

So, knowing that, I'd see how the kids feel about it and if they liked getting them & wearing them, I'd suck it up FOR THEM. Anything that makes them feel more loved, more included, happier. Even when it hurts like hell.

Friends & wine to help with the constant sucking up shit for the kids sake.

@frazzledasarock

Bag up all the clothes subtly. When they go for contact put the clothes on them.

That way you keep all your nice clothes and they don’t get lost.

I wouldn’t bother mentioning it to your ex, if he’s happy to put your dc in the clothes in the first place he won’t care about your feelings, OW certainly won’t give a shit.

So I wouldn’t make it a thing if that makes sense, but I wouldn’t have my dc wearing hand me downs from owe kids either. It would piss me off too.

This. I'd take them, wash them, pack them away to take on their next visit. No way would they become part of their wardrobe at my house.

I wouldn't like it either; I'd send them back or bin them. And she can be the OW for as long as you feel like sticking pins in her wax effigy.

I would feel the same tbh. I'm not sure I'd be able to prevent the clothes from disappearing, or have them fall prey to some other mishap.

The OW clearly lacks any empathy, but there's no surprise there.

Well done keeping things amicable, I'd find that very difficult. You are not unreasonable in the slightest.

However, they are DCs' clothes now and I would not want to make it a his house/your house thing. Kids are smart, you don't want them getting wind and feeling torn in future.

Clothes are just clothes, put them in the wardrobe and select as usual, if you can

Aww it's so sweet! She took your husband but gave you some second hand clothes for him.

I would be fucking furious. Put them in a bag and add a note that it's bad enough putting up with what's happened but to keep her fucking hand me downs to herself. Then seal the bag up and ask the kids to give it to her. Or package them up and send them and the note back by post. Of course say nothing to your kids but this isn't something to tolerate.

Is she on drugs? Does she not have any idea what happened? Absolute cheek.

Donate them 😊

I wouldn't worry about this issue. it's just clothes that's all. I can understand how you might feel, but you seem to have got an amicable situation going on, after your split with your Husband, and it's not such a big deal, if your children don't mind the clothes etc. It's so much better, than when you hear about other people who have split up, and have a load of more serious issue where their children are involved.

I've not been in your situation but, yes, it would annoy me intensely. It's like a kick in the teeth and possibly patronising on OW's part.

As to what to do - depends on age and attitude of the children. Would they notice if the clothes disappeared or miss them? On the other hand, if it happens a lot, OW might start noticing if you remove them and that could cause issues.

Also I think I was more precious when my kids were younger. Now as teens, they choose their own and sometimes acquire things off friends. I'm not too bothered what happens to them and can't always remembers whose is whose (both girls).

Do you get back the clothes you sent them in? If not, that would make it worse.

Overall though, I guess it's a small thing after all you must have been through. It could be worse- if she lost or damaged the clothes you bought them.

You have every right to feel like it’s another kick in the teeth. It must be so hard.
You could tell the children that it’s easier if they wear their clothes from Dads house when they are at dads so things don’t get lost etc but ultimately I think it’s another thing you are just going to have suck up for the sake of your kids.
If I was you I’d concentrate on ‘living your best life’ - hard at the moment. And occasionally screaming into a pillow. Console yourself with the knowledge that when the newness dies off he will cheat on her too.

I wouldn’t like it either. I would send them all back in a bag and they can wear them at his house.

They'd develop holes, super shrink in the laundry and do a houdini. Simple.

All these people saying they are furious and would get the kids changed when they returned home, that really is unhelpful.
You cant say it's for coronovirus, kids aren't stupid.
Yes be furious away from the children but you really are putting them in the middle to display that to them over clothes.
There will be other things besides from clothes that will come up. Many many things.
Yes the father has done this and yes its shit but unless you want them to grow up picking sides, you have to manage it differently.

He furious
Talk to a therapist and friends but keep the rage away from the children. As they grow up, they will learn more. Not while they ar young.

Thanks for your messages overnight and this morning.

I am a bit embarrassed as I realise that in the grand scheme of things this is quite petty and as pps have said I am lucky that the situation is amicable, as I know others on here suffer massively at the hands of their exes.

Mumsnet has been excellent in giving me opportunity to pause and garner opinion rather than doing anything I would later regret it's the online equivalent of counting to 10 before speaking! Thanks all

@WhoseThatGirl

You have every right to feel like it’s another kick in the teeth. It must be so hard. You could tell the children that it’s easier if they wear their clothes from Dads house when they are at dads so things don’t get lost etc but ultimately I think it’s another thing you are just going to have suck up for the sake of your kids. If I was you I’d concentrate on ‘living your best life’ - hard at the moment. And occasionally screaming into a pillow. Console yourself with the knowledge that when the newness dies off he will cheat on her too.

This. Please dont let them have 'dads' clothes and 'mums' clothes. It really is not worth it

Moan on here but don't say anything about this to the kids or your ex.
It's really not fair on your kids to have to think about stuff like this, don't have 'your' stuff and 'Dads stuff'. It's just stuff to them.
If seeing these clothes makes you uncomfortable, wash them and put them away somewhere or send the kids back wearing them. If they're too shabby or worn out, just get rid.
You sound like you are doing a brilliant job for your kids.

Well OP I haven't read your other posts but I think you are amazing that you are in this situation and you are trying your best to make it amicable. Your children are spending time with your ex who cheated on you and the woman he cheated with yet you smile nod and make it all ok for the sake of the kids. You are my hero.

I totally get where you are coming from with the clothes. Another reminder indeed and now it's coming into your home. It must be horrible for the children to be excited - yuck!

I would say try to rise above it like you have with the rest and see do your feelings pass. Certainly do not give yourself a hard time for having the feelings.

In a few weeks this could be something else you have processed. Give it time. If it's still bothering you then have a word with your ex.

@Sillysandy

Well OP I haven't read your other posts but I think you are amazing that you are in this situation and you are trying your best to make it amicable. Your children are spending time with your ex who cheated on you and the woman he cheated with yet you smile nod and make it all ok for the sake of the kids. You are my hero.

I totally get where you are coming from with the clothes. Another reminder indeed and now it's coming into your home. It must be horrible for the children to be excited - yuck!

I would say try to rise above it like you have with the rest and see do your feelings pass. Certainly do not give yourself a hard time for having the feelings.

In a few weeks this could be something else you have processed. Give it time. If it's still bothering you then have a word with your ex.

Agreed! This woman took OP's job too!

Thinking of the kids here, how would they feel if at 4pm on Sunday your ex has to say - Oh kids quick get changed out of those clothes before you go home! And then maybe scramble round for clean clothes that are your to send them home in.
That is not good for your kids.

Also, we use to get a lot of hand me downs from a friend. My kids loved them, free 'new' clothes, often in a style they wouldn't choose, they were very happy with them.

Tell your ex husband to tell his partner that it's not necessary to give his children her children's old clothes.

@TheSilentStars

Tell your ex husband to tell his partner that it's not necessary to give his children her children's old clothes.

Tempting though it might be, I really wouldn't do this. It just makes you look a bit bitter and petty. The kids might not be at all bothered and you're just creating unnecessary drama..be dignified and ignore it. They're (hopefully) not doing it to rile you.

@80sColourfulChristmas it was a different poster whho lost their job to the OW.