I can't shake the feeling that my partner might be gay

[gogentlyx]

Please be gentle.

I know he loves me, we are best friends and soulmates. I adore him and he is loyal and a good partner.

Just some instinct, lots and lots of little things, some I can't even share. Every guy I've been with has got an erection when being naked with me- he only gets an erection when I stimulate him. He gets really turned on by anal sex, never touches or stokes my body, I always have to make the first move. When I am on top, he can't maintain an erection.

He is camp and sweet and lovely and adorable. But this feeling is not only tearing me up, but destroying my confidence As a woman...

I've tried to ask him and he gets very angry and aggressive. Any experiences please?

Being camp is n’t intrinsically a gay characteristic, and there are a lot of reasons a man may not maintain an erection.

This isn't working, op, for whatever reason, and how you feel and what it's doing to your self-worth is only going to get worse. I would be moving on.

I take it he gets very turned on by anal on you, I suspect a lot of men probably have same result who aren't gay, so you can't go off that, and men who may be used to watching porn, or seeing naked women, don't tend to get turned on by just being naked, in fact generally some need stimulation to get there, especially if getting older - but does he like anal play on him? Judging by his anger, he's very much in denial, if he's gay. I would think a straight response at the suggestion would be to laugh rather than get angry, so there could be something in that.

Good grief, what a miserable ol' sex life.

I'd dump him, OP. He may well be a nice mate, but he's a crap lover.

I hope my dd doesn't tolerate this shit when she's older.

Btw, whatever he is, if he doesn't touch or stroke you, and you always have to make the first move, he's actually a shit lover, so it's fine to duck out on that alone, especially if not together that long, life's too short for crap sex.

Do you feel he fancies you?
Sorry, been there. We were married. It drove me crazy. I think my ex will never come out of the closet, I do feel bitter about the years wasted and all the mental energy wondering about it. It really affected my self esteem there. I feel it has done some irreparable damage. Added to that, I still have to keep my suspicions a secret from my friends because I feel so ashamed.

*Good grief, what a miserable ol' sex life.

I'd dump him, OP. He may well be a nice mate, but he's a crap lover.

I hope my dd doesn't tolerate this shit when she's older.*

What a rude unhelpful comment

There's an interesting podcast series called straight spouse network that explores this issue. Many people telling their stories of getting married to a gay partner. Why don't you have a listen and see if it resonates? Even if not - lack of satisfying intimacy is always a good enough reason to end an intimate relationship!

@Helmetbymidnight such an unhelpful comment.

OP unfortunately, second guessing actions and behaviours like this will just make you ill and drag your confidence. It sounds like you really need to speak to him and ask him to be honest. And if he can’t- well then you either take what he says at face value, or you choose to leave. Sorry it’s such a crap situation.

No one can 'diagnose' him as gay or not, unless he tells you this himself or you know he has sex/gets turned on by other men. The truth is you will never know what the real issue is.

However, what you do know with absolute fact is that he does not get turned on by you, your sex life is stagnant and unfulfiling and he has no interest in addressing or fixing this. In fact, he doesn't think your pleasure is important from the sound of it. This is not a man who can be a long term, supportive, considerate partner, and you have the evidence in front of you.

If you are happy living a sexless life for the future, then this isn't a problem. But i think it does upset you, hence you posting here. So best to leave him, and find someone who is more compatible in the bedroom, and more attentive to YOUR needs.

I think mine might be too, but unlike yours OP, we don't have sex at all, he doesn't seem to have any manly functions, isn't ever turned on either by me or anything else, just nothingness. Maybe more a case of asexual than gay. All I know is I can't carry on, but at the same time feel selfish for wanting to break up the family due to lack of sex. I don't know what you can do, because as you say, asking him makes him defensive, and you wouldn't ever know whether his answer is true or not. I know he I asked mine he'd say no, but then I still wouldn't be any further forward. Good luck x

@Opentooffers

Btw, whatever he is, if he doesn't touch or stroke you, and you always have to make the first move, he's actually a shit lover, so it's fine to duck out on that alone, especially if not together that long, life's too short for crap sex.

This is the most important thing.

What's "unhelpful" or rude about what I said?

I actually find it really creepy that people are suggesting the OP should tolerate confidence-destroying sex with an angry and aggressive guy who won't touch her, doesn't like her on top of him, can hardly get a hard-on and only gets aroused by sticking it up her arse.

Obviously no one can answer your core question but him, but what is worrying is that he doesn’t touch or stroke you or initiate sex.

Have you talked to him about how this makes you feel, and he hasn’t engaged with you?

If that’s the case then you have to move on. You cannot have this half relationship.

He might be a great friend but he is not a great partner and you deserve more.

Well no one can say if he is gay or not, but that he is not a loving lover is what you do know. This is very unlikely to change or improve. You have to choose whether it is enough for you or not. If not. go now, life is very short.

Hey thanks everyone. I'm considering the responses...

Crikey op.

Agree with helmet. There are normal men out there who enjoy and appreciate normal sex with a woman. He’s not your “friend”. He’s either gay or sexually messed up in some way (porn fan I bet too). He doesn’t like women at all.

As he sounds a creep of the first order. Sexually of course, but I bet in other ways if you look closer.

I feel sad you’ve endured this.

How is he a creep of the first order???

Honestly...

None of this points out as being gay to me, not on it's own. What other things does he do, act etc that's made you think he is gay.
He sounds like he isn't a good lover and selfish wanting gratification for his own needs ie Anal sex. Does he watch a lot of porn, unfortunately porn makes anal the top way to have sex but if you are anything like most women do you even enjoy it. It's a personal thing but i detest anal it does absolutely nothing for me and if this was me i would be out the door. A friendship is one thing but do you want this as a relationship forever?

I agree with Helmet too. It is a shit sexlife for you, and you do sound better friends than lovers.

Your sexlife should be mutually enjoyable and make you feel good & desirable, not make you feel not enough.

Making her have anal sex she doesn’t like or want for starters ... it’s degrading.

How long have you been together?

Nothing you describe really points to gay apart from the getting angry thing. However - if you've suggested it multiple times, maybe that's why he responds that way.

It does however suggest some issues with sex - heavy porn use could explain all that, the desensitised way he is. Or - quite simply - lack of compatibility.

Either way, you aren't happy. How old are you? I would cut my losses because what you describe I can't imagine improving.

It doesn’t sound great OP 🥴. Forgetting the gay thing, even if he’s straight, is this the sex life you want for the rest of your life?

Oh god. We have actually been together a few years and in our 40s and I have gradually got used to it. I'm a bit sad at the responses. I'm going to try and talk sensibly tonight because I know I'm a beautiful and sensual woman and have had livers who have appreciated this. This is why I don't get it at all. Sexy always starts with me giving him a BJ and he has even stopped returning the favour there.