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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't shake the feeling that my partner might be gay

69 replies

gogentlyx · 03/01/2021 17:40

Please be gentle.

I know he loves me, we are best friends and soulmates. I adore him and he is loyal and a good partner.

Just some instinct, lots and lots of little things, some I can't even share. Every guy I've been with has got an erection when being naked with me- he only gets an erection when I stimulate him. He gets really turned on by anal sex, never touches or stokes my body, I always have to make the first move. When I am on top, he can't maintain an erection.

He is camp and sweet and lovely and adorable. But this feeling is not only tearing me up, but destroying my confidence As a woman...

I've tried to ask him and he gets very angry and aggressive. Any experiences please?

OP posts:
Respectabitch · 05/01/2021 10:59

As PP say, I don't know if it ultimately matters why he is the way he is and feels the way he does about sex. What matters is that your sex life is bad, you feel uncared for, unsatisfied and unappreciated and it's destroying your confidence. If you tell him this and nothing changes, well, I think you know what you have to do.

(I wouldn't put too much stock specifically in the fact that he doesn't get it up just looking at you - if he's in his 40s and you've been together a while, well, generally things are not just going to spring up like they might have done some years ago...)

YoniAndGuy · 05/01/2021 11:58

Sexy always starts with me giving him a BJ and he has even stopped returning the favour there.

So that's the end of that for a start, I hope!

LittlefairyMum · 05/01/2021 12:03

I didn't suspect, I found out 🤮 20+ years in. Mine loved anal too. I'm left with piles I have to get operated on.
Thankfully no diseases.
Get yourself checked OP, just to be safe.
If this is your gut feeling, you're always going to be right.

Einszwei · 05/01/2021 12:09

Whilst there are people on here saying you should end the relationship now because of your unfulfilling sex life, I disagree.

Surely it is best to first get some sex therapy as a couple to try and work things out instead of giving up immediately.

Skyla2005 · 05/01/2021 12:19

Your best friends and soul mates but you arnt comparable as lovers. You two would be better being best friends. Your self esteem will be gradually eaten away at and it will get worse. Sorry

Original poster
gogentlyx · 05/01/2021 12:44

Yes that's it, I do feel under appreciated and unloved and undesired and I need to tell him. He does have an alcohol and smoking problem so perhaps this affects things. I'm not tied to him in any way.

Reasons I think he may be gay is he's never had a long term relationship, has no clue at all how to treat a lady Grinexpects me to start things and be the giver. His hair and voice and mannerisms can be effeminate. He always picks out nice clothes for me and advises me on lip stick etc. But then he is manly in some ways.

OP posts:
Original poster
gogentlyx · 05/01/2021 12:45

And I'm sorry LittleFairyMum, I hope things are better for you now x

OP posts:
Wannabangbang · 05/01/2021 12:48

I agree with Littlefairymumthat you should get checked out just to be on the safe side. Try talking to him, if he keeps getting snappy maybe your instincts are right. Sounds like it's all about his needs right from the BJ

TeaEgg · 05/01/2021 12:51

@Thefaceofboe

*Good grief, what a miserable ol' sex life.

I'd dump him, OP. He may well be a nice mate, but he's a crap lover.

I hope my dd doesn't tolerate this shit when she's older.*

What a rude unhelpful comment Confused

I don't think it's unhelpful or rude. The situation the OP describes would be unacceptable to many people. Whatever the reason, he's poor in bed, has problems with smoking and drinking and anger, and the OP feels unloved.
Jobsharenightmare · 05/01/2021 12:56

Have you tried to speak about how to improve your sex life without bringing up your thoughts about him being gay? I wonder if you have just made him feel bad so he's shut down?

Anothernick · 05/01/2021 15:29

If he never shows any sign of rising to the challenge except when you touch him then that is not normal in my view - I'm older than you and I still display interest in my DW on occasion without any assistance.

He is obviously an inconsiderate and selfish lover, as others have said you need to talk and if he doesn't improve it's probably time to consider your options.

Excessive drinking and smoking both have the effect of reducing libido, he needs to tackle these.

Only you know if this is a deal breaker for you, but it's true that the most successful LTRs tend to involve partners who are are sexually compatible.

LittlefairyMum · 05/01/2021 15:29

Things are great now. I was miserable with him anyway. The trust was gone but I could never catch him. He was super sly and clever.
He'll never ever admit it to himself, not to mention me.

It was all for the best my end.
Life is too short!

Cokie3 · 05/01/2021 17:22

If he is gay, you deserve to know the truth. What he is doing if so is NOT FAIR on you. Using you as a beard, and destroying your chance at happiness. It is cruel and selfish. He is stealing a chance at happiness for you from you. You need and deserve the truth, and if he is gay he deceiving you and stealing your years is unforgivable. Either way, he needs to know that his selfishness with sex is wrong, you are unhappy, and you want out or at least he and you seek counselling and he dramatically changes.

Original poster
gogentlyx · 05/01/2021 18:04

I've had to come to the bathroom for a shower as I can't stop sobbing and I can't breathe.

We shared a bottle of wine. We held each other in bed in our underwear for a couple of hours. I told him how I felt,that I felt he wasn't attracted to me ...and my thoughts and he was very quiet. But said he loved me and I was the love of his life. Then cried. Then nothing else.

I'm utterly utterly heartbroken and don't know what to do as I can't imagine him not being in my life.

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 05/01/2021 18:14

You are no longer attracted to him and are asking him to up his game when you already know how does he feels about the whole thing.

Relationships do not have to end with big arguments or violence, sometimes as painful as it could be, it is about accepting is time to move on and do it in a compassionate and sensitive way to enable to move on without much drama continue being there for each other albeit but just as old friends.

Geppili · 05/01/2021 18:29

Oh Op! Read you thread. I'm so sorry this sounds very hard for you. It is really important that you try to communicate with him more. Have you got a friend in real life you can talk to?

Geppili · 05/01/2021 18:30

What's his Family of origin like?

LittlefairyMum · 05/01/2021 18:36

(((((Hugs))))))

Did you mention gay ?

Original poster
gogentlyx · 05/01/2021 20:07

No but he's driven off shouting he will never be good enough. And still I'm heartbroken 😔

OP posts:
Chambored · 05/01/2021 20:26

When you say ‘no’
Is that in response to Geppili’s question about having friend’s in RL you can speak to?
Or FairyMum’s question about you asking him if he was gay?
Sorry, your post isn’t clear, as you said you told him your thoughts. Which I took to mean your suspicions that he is gay, but if course that might be incorrect.

Assuming you did. His reaction, both when you were in bed, and now driving off, doesn’t look good. But the fact you’ve raised it might mean he eventually calms down and comes back to talk to you, calmly.

Re him not being in your life. He still can be. I would assume you wouldn’t want to remain partners, but obviously you could be friends.

I’m sorry. What a horrible day for you. 💐

CoconutQueen · 05/01/2021 20:32

You have done the right thing in talking to him about your feelings. I am sorry it is so upsetting. He will come back, and you can talk some more. But you've done the right thing. Flowers

Lollyneenah · 05/01/2021 20:35

He's not good enough for you. It doesn't even sound like a good friendship.

Tal45 · 05/01/2021 20:53

Mine is bi, he intended never to tell me but so much happened that suggested he was that in the end he had no choice - but we'd been together 20 years before he told me. He went through phases of only wanting doggy style and asked about anal (I said no) but also was very easily turned on by and enjoyed straight sex. He still feels it's somehow a bit wrong for him to be bisexual and had a lot of counselling. I would suspect your OH is gay but doesn't want to be and is totally messed up over it. Perhaps you could try gently telling him you love him but if he loves you he needs to be honest with you as that is only fair and that you will always love and support him no matter what.

There's one thing I'm absolutely sure of and that is that he is absolutely terrified right now. That's not your fault of course but you can get him to open up to you it will be best for both of you xxx

LittlefairyMum · 05/01/2021 21:25

Gaslighting at its finest OP.

My ex done this allot. He was the most amazing liar ever and I never knew...

You poor thing X

Please get some counselling for you. Call around tomorrow. He may never be able and to admit it ( if he is gay ) X

chocobaby · 05/01/2021 21:38

So how is this helpful to the OP?!

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