I can't shake the feeling that my partner might be gay

[gogentlyx]

Please be gentle.

I know he loves me, we are best friends and soulmates. I adore him and he is loyal and a good partner.

Just some instinct, lots and lots of little things, some I can't even share. Every guy I've been with has got an erection when being naked with me- he only gets an erection when I stimulate him. He gets really turned on by anal sex, never touches or stokes my body, I always have to make the first move. When I am on top, he can't maintain an erection.

He is camp and sweet and lovely and adorable. But this feeling is not only tearing me up, but destroying my confidence As a woman...

I've tried to ask him and he gets very angry and aggressive. Any experiences please?

The most important part of this appears to have been overlooked.
You say that he gets "very angry and aggressive" when you speak to him about your sex life.

Aggressive? How?
Why do you stick around with a "very angry and aggressive" man? Do you not believe that you deserve better?

It doesn't matter what his problem is, it's never justification for getting aggressive.

He also drinks and drives by the timings on this thread.

Thanks to the previous poster who recommended Straight Spouse Network- I have listened to 2 excellent podcasts.
Personally, I never found out if my ex actually is gay, as I suspect he is
But I have so many painful memories of how it felt wondering and worrying about it, and feeling so unattractive and sexless myself (still do).

I'm so sorry OP. It doesn't sound good.

Even if he weren't gay you have absolutely every right to tell him, in a reasonable tone, how you feel, how sad you are and let down. Responding in such a shitty way is not on.
My ex was trans (Differenz I know, just using it as an example of someone hiding something huge) and became very abusive emotionally (and physically by the by) in the end. It was awful.

If he won't talk or listen, then there is no hope. Gay people not. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled. I'm so sorry.

Gay or not. Sorry for typos.

He did come back after I asked him to and we went to sleep and he got up early and went to work. I guess we need to talk properly when we haven't had a drink.

I'm a bit numb so can't decide how to move forward. We can't change our instincts. He neither confirmed or denied being gay. He is troubled that's for sure but I am in love with him.

Sorry OP but if you love him so much as you say you would be able to turn a blind eye to his gay traits or even embrace them.

If he did he would be making more of an effort. It seems to me you have an excellent friendship but you both are realising now that you are not really compatible to be a couple. You are unsatisfied and he seems to be resenting the pressure you are putting on him.

I think you need to think what you want to do going forwards but you need to find first what do you want before you push him away further.

If he is gay and confirms this to you what will you do?

I do turn a blind eye, I really do. I just want to feel like he's attracted to me.

I think you deserve better than the way he's treating you. An ex of mine was feminine and people who didn't know him assumed he was gay. My mum who is gay and has a lot of male gay friends tried to warn me about him as she picked up on it. He denied it to me to the point of almost sounding homophobic, said it was just the way he was. But he later admitted a man pinched his bum in a gay bar and they kissed and he was unsure about his sexuality. He was very sexual with me though so this was what confused me.
And I've been with a man that was 100% straight but had an erection issue and intimacy issues. Whether he's gay or not I think you can tell there is something wrong and if it can't be resolved by talking then may be better to walk away.

Sorry OP but if you love him so much as you say you would be able to turn a blind eye to his gay traits or even embrace them.

OMFG. I have heard it all now. This is crazy.

The description of their “sex life” is totally one sided and gross.

There is zero emotional openness and intimacy. Seems like he is incapable of this has he has never sustained a long term relationship.

And he is an addict. This is probably due to the fact that he is unable to come to terms with his own sexuality.

What has your past RS history been like OP?

Thanks lou- before I was with my childhood sweetheart for twenty years and it just fizzled out and we remain friends. After that I had various casual partners and then got with the man in with now.

I still can't tell if the issues are his issues or mine. If he's been on his own for such a long time does he just have no clue. If he's gay then he owes it to himself to be happy but I suspect he really wants to be in a conventional relationship, even marriage.

The podcasts are brilliant!

He denied it to me to the point of almost sounding homophobic

Yes I've had this too. And two separate people who said that they though he was gay.

Good point about him being an addict. My
Ex was too.

Op would you see a therapist? Talk it through with a professional. This helped me hugely.

Do you think he's ever cheated ? I can tell you if he has, you'll get over him a lot quicker than you think.

I can't tell you how much happier I am to be out of it all. I'm dating again and having fun. I can't imagine being stuck in my previous life now. I was wasting it.

I don't think he has cheated and that's because I feel like he would do anything to make this work, you just can't manufacture love and desire, attraction, sexuality. I don't even think he knows who he is at all and maybe I've been unfair to confront him about it without seeking help myself first.

@Sssloou My point was not saying she should turn a blind eye to him being gay but that she cannot love him as much as she said.

If she did, she would stop pestering him to confess, accept he is not attracted to her and move on and yes trying to force someone to “confess he is guy is quite a nasty thing to do! The guy may not be ready to come out off the closet or he may just be a heterosexual with very particular sexual preferences (or a porn addict) who is being pushed constantly by his partner to accept being something that he is not.

OP you cannot make someone feel attracted to you when they don’t, gay or not, it is demeaning, just accept the reality: you cannot change a person to please yourself but you can walk out and gove yourself the opportunity to find another person who meets your needs.

Trust your instincts.
Just going on what you say I think there's a very high chance he's gay.

Don't walk, RUN at a million miles per hour from this soul destroying 'relationship'. Or stay and be forever miserable...

My point was not saying she should turn a blind eye to him being gay but that she cannot love him as much as she said.

That's a really insidious, harmful attitude, and I hope the OP doesn't listen.
Loving someone doesn't mean tolerating horrible sex and aggressive/angry behaviour. Please don't suggest it does - especially to women, like OP, who are already putting up with a sex-life that most people would find degrading.