Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Asexual partner?

55 replies

Moscovium · 03/01/2021 15:05

I'm wondering whether my DW is just uninterested in sex, or whether its "me".. iyswim. It's a difficult topic and I dont know how to approach it.

Mid 30s and havent had sex for years. I brought it up a year ago, but she seemed happy with the relationshipas it was. But said she enjoyed sex last time...

I've tried to be honest with her. For me it started to become so infrequent that I dreaded it and didnt find it enjoyable. I think I'm a sexual person and think about it alot so I dont think I'm asexual. And she might be the same, but when I asked her should we have more sex, she said that she felt that for our age we were "normal"..

Please dont burn me. I know I take insignificant amount of the blame for a sexless relationship. Do I just ask her outright if she is asexual maybe?

OP posts:
Isitsixoclockalready · 03/01/2021 15:21

Things have obviously been allowed to slide by both of you and communication is vital in a relationship. Why did it become infrequent? Do you lead separate lives or do you tend to do most things together?

Original poster
Moscovium · 03/01/2021 15:26

It did slide when her career started to take off. She worked a lot of weekends and travelled with work. Yes we do live separate lives. She likes independence and being places. I'm at home today cleaning and ironing and she is with a friend.

OP posts:
MrsBrunch · 03/01/2021 15:36

Do you have a job OP?

BigFatLiar · 03/01/2021 15:44

I get where you're coming from. If you keep asking for sex you're a sex pest if you don't you're failing to communicate and being neglectful.

Perhaps she's happy with a mate who keeps the place neat and clean while she gets on with her life. Does she still find you attractive?

Original poster
Moscovium · 03/01/2021 15:45

Yes. We are both professionals. I've done well and equally career driven. I'm earning into six figures now. I socialise a bit less and dont bring my work home with me as she does

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 03/01/2021 15:52

I think if you’ve tried to discuss it and her response is to dismiss how you feel by saying that she thinks having sex once every few years is ordinary for people of your age then she’s essentially telling you that she isn’t interested in having sex - maybe just with you, maybe not with anyone.

If you don’t want to live in a sexless relationship you need to tell her that, be clear that you don’t believe only having sex once every few years is at all normal, and that it’s not what you want in your relationship and what do you both want to do about it?

Isitsixoclockalready · 03/01/2021 15:58

@Moscovium

It did slide when her career started to take off. She worked a lot of weekends and travelled with work. Yes we do live separate lives. She likes independence and being places. I'm at home today cleaning and ironing and she is with a friend.
It sounds a little like my experience with my ex wife. We drifted apart and although sex never completely stopped, it became perfunctory because we just weren't attracted to each other any more. Sex is an important part of a relationship but when it dwindles, it is often a symptom of a malaise rather than a stand alone issue.
Skyla2005 · 03/01/2021 15:59

A marriage without sex is just a friendship. It’s not normal I don’t think to be having sex once a year. Everybody is different but generally when it’s been asked on here once a week seems to be about average for a long term relationship. Communication is the key. Maybe be is asexual or maybe she has lost her desire in that way for you. Only she can answer that It’s not really fair for her to assume you are ok with no sex just because she is. That’s quite selfish. Maybe she is avoiding the issue but you need to sit down and have a proper discussion about it. Most men would not be ok with a sexless marriage

Isitsixoclockalready · 03/01/2021 16:05

Some good advice there. Communication is key - don't let things slide as life is too short.

MrsBrunch · 03/01/2021 16:10

Does it matter whether she is asexual or just not into you? The result is the same. If you are both ok with the situation that's fine but if one of you isn't it's ok to separate and just be friends.

Original poster
Moscovium · 03/01/2021 16:12

Does she fancy me? I've asked her and she said yes, but I've come to the conclusion that actions speak louder than words.

Over the past six months I've tried really hard to discuss and see if we can resolve things. She said that she doesnt feel sexy, and if she is tired or cooking etc that she then isint in the mood to have sex. In lockdown I've tried to help so she doesn't have to cook and suggested she asks work to cut down on the hours she works.

I've just got to a point now when I feel unloved. I opened up to a friend who became concerned with me and they suggested I get help. Physcologicly I can't imagine being intimate with my wife again.

OP posts:
partyatthepalace · 03/01/2021 16:19

Sorry to hear this. It is obviously not typical, it might work for some people, but it would chip away at most people's self esteem.

It sounds like you have tried talking to her and been rebuffed. From her responses it doesn't sound like she views herself as asexual, just not very interested right now.

If you are able to, it would be good if you could decide what you will do if this can't be resolved - stay or go? Counselling might help with this.
That way if you choose to you can have a final conversation with her, explaining it isn't working for you and you have to find a resolution or move on.

Obviously people can go off sex (whether that's sex in general or with their partner) but your wife is being unreasonable not to engage with you about it.

One final thing - if she is mid 30s it could be the beginnings of early menopause, so that might be worth exploring.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/01/2021 16:24

"I've just got to a point now when I feel unloved."

Then that is what you have to tell her. It really doesn't sound as if either of you are communicating effectively with the other.

Are there children, or is it just the two of you?

Original poster
Moscovium · 03/01/2021 16:59

Thanks for all the advice. The point of does it matter if she is asexual or not is so true, and I take that onboard.

I suggested counselling but she isn't keen. No children. Another reason why there is no sex. Before the two year dry spell, it happened about once every six months. I'm desperate for a family and so the pressure to conceive on that one occasion was anything but romantic. It wasnt enjoyable and stopped pretty quickly.

I don't think she is menopausal. Is mid 30s likely. We never talk about sex. I admit it can be difficult. She cant really talk about sex much. She uses code words for masturbation or body parts etx. Which is why I wondered whether she could be asexual.

I asked her if she wanted kids and she said yes. She said that she hoped one day I would just fix it. But I overheard her one day talking to her sister and she said she doesnt want children.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 03/01/2021 17:04

She uses code words for masturbation or body parts etx.

She may have been brought up to think of sex as something dirty and to be ashamed of.

Do you love her enough to continue the relationship as it is or is it time to find a new relationship.

Sundance2741 · 03/01/2021 17:37

If you're desperate for a family and she is mid 30s, then surely you have a decision to make sooner rather than later. There are other ways to become parents than by doing the deed (if she wants them, which sounds doubtful) but would you want to be tied to her for the next 20 years or so as the child/ren grow up?

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/01/2021 17:40

This sounds more than just about the lack of sex. She’s actively deceiving you, if she’s telling you that she’d like a family and stringing you along with the hope of that one day, whilst also telling other people she doesn’t want children. She doesn’t want counselling, she doesn’t want to properly discuss the elephant in the room that is you appear to be two people just living in the same house. Asexual or not, she doesn’t sound like a good life partner. I think you’re really going to have to be brave and force a confrontation about all of it.

Original poster
Moscovium · 03/01/2021 17:45

I told her in the autumn that we need serious changes if the relationship is to have a future. As someone said, I felt the relationship was housemates and I told her this. That this is how I felt.

She was pretty pissed off that I said this. She said I'm ruining things. The love is starting to wear thin. Little things. Shes has booked to go on holiday with friends without telling me. Since the autumn she has stopped doing a lot of things around the house like ironing and cleaning.

One of the big ones was that she broke rules and spent christmas with her family. I was planning on doing three days, but when tier 4 came in I couldn't. I had an awful Christmas. Since coming back I she has never once asked me how I've been. I spent Christmas day alone in tears.

OP posts:
Minnie888 · 03/01/2021 18:44

@Moscovium it sounds like there are more problems here than just the sex, communication being a key issue.

Despite what you read on here, many couples do have sexless relationships that are happy and healthy. Sometimes there is little interest in one or both partners, sometimes there is a medical or psychological reason as to why it doesn't happen. The main thing is both parties understand and accept it and are happy with it.. I know some relationships are -but clearly it affects you and that's not ok, no matter how ok it is with your partner.

You need to talk about starting a family and if that is no longer on the cards for your partner then you need to know so you can make your own decisions. Wishing you luck Thanks

Diverseduvet · 03/01/2021 18:48

It sounds like you're already leading separate lives. Leave her, it won't get any better if she doesn't want it to. You deserve a healthy sex life if that's what you want.

KatherineJaneway · 04/01/2021 06:32

From all you've described, she's already checked out of the relationship. Leaving you on your own at Christmas, holidaying without telling you, lying about wanting children etc.

MMmomDD · 04/01/2021 10:30

You are mid 30s. Still not too old to separate so that both if you can meet other partners that would work better for you.
Life is too short to be this miserable, and too long to love this way for another 50 years.

Normalmumandwife · 04/01/2021 10:36

Wow...this is far higher than sex...lack of sex if just a symptom. Your relationship is dire and clearly she doesn't want kids if you are not having sex.

Either try and persuade her to do counselling. If the answer is no then the relationship is over

Opentooffers · 04/01/2021 10:52

I think she had one foot out the door and has disengaged from you. It sounds like your finances are in good shape, so file for divorce and sell your house. Start again, you can do so much better, it doesn't sound like she has much respect for you. You have time to find someone who does want children, her not so much, so it's doubtful that she wants any really or she'd be doing something about it by now.

MrsBrunch · 04/01/2021 13:48

@KatherineJaneway

From all you've described, she's already checked out of the relationship. Leaving you on your own at Christmas, holidaying without telling you, lying about wanting children etc.
This sounds like one of those threads where the wife has told her dh she wants to separate and he's not listening.