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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Asexual partner?

55 replies

Moscovium · 03/01/2021 15:05

I'm wondering whether my DW is just uninterested in sex, or whether its "me".. iyswim. It's a difficult topic and I dont know how to approach it.

Mid 30s and havent had sex for years. I brought it up a year ago, but she seemed happy with the relationshipas it was. But said she enjoyed sex last time...

I've tried to be honest with her. For me it started to become so infrequent that I dreaded it and didnt find it enjoyable. I think I'm a sexual person and think about it alot so I dont think I'm asexual. And she might be the same, but when I asked her should we have more sex, she said that she felt that for our age we were "normal"..

Please dont burn me. I know I take insignificant amount of the blame for a sexless relationship. Do I just ask her outright if she is asexual maybe?

OP posts:

Original poster

Moscovium · 04/01/2021 14:06

I don't think she does want to separate at all. It is has been me that said I want it to change. To be honest, when I stop raising issues or saying we need to chat, then it just goes back to the way it has always been. When nothing gets discussed (back to the communication issues)

Yes she did tell me to move out of the bedroom, but then she has now asked when I am moving back.

I genuinely believe she seems happy living is a sexless, somewhat distant relationship for the rest of her life. She told me today that work is going to be very demanding over the next month and that she will be working longer hours and so it would be good if I could cook the meals etc.

OP posts:

BigFatLiar · 04/01/2021 14:14

You're not her husband, you're a good friend who is also the housekeeper.

Bluntness100 · 04/01/2021 14:16

Op, are you sure there isn’t someone else?

MrsBrunch · 04/01/2021 14:20

@Moscovium

Yes she did tell me to move out of the bedroom, but then she has now asked when I am moving back.

If all of this is true, why are you with her?

Original poster

Moscovium · 04/01/2021 14:31

@Bluntness100 I was asked the same question when I went to relate counselling on my own (because it wasn't going to happen as a couple). Im not sure. She talks about some of the guys at work alot, but she since lockdown she hasn't been in work and yes she has left the house but generally speaking I'm pretty sure she is where she said she was. Pre lockdown for sure there could be someone else. She stays in hotels with work every week and is away with work. I would never know.

@MrsBrunch Because I am insecure. I'm lonely. Im pretty low and the thought of packing a bag and leaving the house makes me feel sick. Mentally I dont think I could cope right now

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 04/01/2021 16:37

She prefers the status quo and she’ll make excuses and pay you lip service in order to maintain it. It is either a deal breaker for you or it isn’t.

This is who she is and she doesn’t want to change, the ball’s usually in the court of the person who doesn’t want to maintain the status quo.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/01/2021 19:48

"I genuinely believe she seems happy living is a sexless, somewhat distant relationship for the rest of her life. She told me today that work is going to be very demanding over the next month and that she will be working longer hours and so it would be good if I could cook the meals etc."

Well she's certainly happy to treat you as her housekeeper and not her husband.

Truth is @Moscovium, she will treat you how you let her treat you. And right now "Because I am insecure. I'm lonely. Im pretty low and the thought of packing a bag and leaving the house makes me feel sick. Mentally I dont think I could cope right now" you are letting her treat you abominably.

Living this way is why you are insecure. Living this way is why you are lonely. Living this way is why you don't think you could cope right now if you left.

'If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.' If you want to stay feeling like this, then keep living as you are living.

She clearly won't change, having you as her housekeeper is working out just fine as far as she is concerned. Foy you - not so much. And that's not going to change until YOU change. It might not feel possible, but it clearly is. You are not financially dependant on her. You have family. Having just one of these things is enough, and you have both.

You need to get free of her and this non-marriage.

Tal45 · 04/01/2021 19:57

This sounds like a really unhappy relationship for you. You're convenient by the sounds of it and enable her to live the lifestyle she wants. You can't make her change, the question is are you prepared to live like this indefinitely? Perhaps never having children, never having sex?

MrsBrunch · 05/01/2021 07:08

How would living alone be any different to living with her?

Normalmumandwife · 05/01/2021 07:56

@Moscovium
Pre lockdown for sure there could be someone else. She stays in hotels with work every week and is away with work. I would never know.

I know it would hurt if she has had an affair but does it really matter now. The marriage is pretty dead, you just have to accept it and recognise it isn't going to change if she has no commitment to

Year2021 · 05/01/2021 10:15

Leave OP and start a new, happy life.

Original poster

Moscovium · 05/01/2021 14:18

Thanks for all the advice. I know deep down that leaving is the correct decision 'for me', but I admit I struggle. I don't understand how one person can think everything is ok and the other person think the opposite. In a way, I just wish she would say that she agrees that a sexless marriage for another 40 years isn't what she wants.

We are in the process of renovating a house. Its been my dream, and its sad I will never get to enjoy the end result. I would have to leave, she would never agree to move out. I know its only material assets but it is still hard. Sometimes I think she treats me like this to force me out. She admits she is controlling, and she has been googling controlling relationships and anger issues. She has traits, I never would have known if it wasn't for MN. Silent treatment can last for days.

But now we are in lockdown I cant go anywhere so I guess I just bide my time

OP posts:

formerbabe · 05/01/2021 15:04

Sounds a miserable existence to me.

No, it's not normal for a healthy married couple in their thirties to go years without having sex.

I wouldn't start a family together. It will be much harder to leave and move on.

theleafandnotthetree · 05/01/2021 15:30

I am actually really cross on your behalf reading this OP. What you describe from her side is really a terrible and very selfish way to treat someone and is keeping you from living a full and authentic life, which would hopefully include being with someone who really loves you and with whom you could have the family you dream of. I separated from my husband some years ago because I felt a little bit like what your wife seems to feel, although even at that I was a much more considerate of my ex husbands feelings than she seems to be of yours. One of the reasons I seperated was because I felt it was unfair to him to be taking only the good bits of a relationship - financial security, a nice home - and not offering him the kind of love he deserved. It felt fraudulent somehow. Clearly your wife has no such qualms so I'm afraid it's up to you to pull the plug. As to the two different versions issue, you'll never get to the bottom of that so don't even bother trying. A friend of mine seperated from his wife a few years ago and she still insists that theirs was a fine marriage, that she doesn't know what his problem was. The fact that she treated him contempt, they hadn't had sex in years, that she refused any kind of counselling, none of that was relevant as far as she was concerned. I think some people are missing some sort of heart or soul or something and see a marriage as a very functional thing and if it provides things like a beautiful home, a good face to show the world, help with housekeeping etc, to them the marriage 'works'. You don't have to accept that worldview, nor should you

theleafandnotthetree · 05/01/2021 15:43

I am also very happy that we are this many messages in and no one has asked him is he doing his share of the housework. Moscovium is getting very good and kind advice here, I hope he takes it to heart

Normalmumandwife · 05/01/2021 15:52

Being in lockdown doesn't prevent you ending the marriage and if need be moving out. Don't use it as an excuse. She is clearly controlling and possibly using sex as one of her control mechanisms.

Surely by now you wouldn't want to have sex with someone like that?

Original poster

Moscovium · 05/01/2021 16:06

No I agree the advice here has been really useful, and sensitive.

No you are right. I don't have any desire to be intimate with her anymore. I told her this and said I was sorry I felt that way. In part that was the massive dilema in my head .... I dont want to live in a sexless marriage but I dont want to be intimate with my wife. Its weird writing this, but it felt almost dirty or wrong feeling that way. As if maybe I was wrong thinking that.

I guess its not abusive other than shouting and the occasional door slamming so we can live under the same roof until I get something sorted. But I do need to tell her its over.

I have tried before - when I said that I felt I couldn't live like this anymore and I suggested moving out for a while, she said that for her its all or nothing. So if I leave then its over for ever... I got cold feet and didn't do anything. It was such a big decision that I felt maybe some time apart for a little bit might be useful but unfortunately she didnt agree

OP posts:

RAOK · 05/01/2021 16:16

You will feel less lonely on your own than in this relationship. Be on your own for a while, date, have amazing sex and ultimately find someone who also wants a regular and fulfilling sex life and a family and never look back! You only get one life and you deserve to be happy too. It’s not like you haven’t tried to make it work.

jb7445 · 05/01/2021 16:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Groovinpeanut · 05/01/2021 16:28

OP you're not just singing off different hymn sheets, you're singing in two different choirs!

I think your wife has got her sights set on her career, she's building her social life and friendship circles independently. She's got you there topping up the equity in your house, she's also got you tending to all the households chores and services.
She's taking you for a prize idiot. You're making it all so easy for her.
The deceptive dangling of the 'starting a family' carrot is another way of keeping you sweet until you've served your purpose, and your surplus to requirements.

I don't even think there's any point even trying to talk about the situation anymore. The code names for body parts and masturbation is very immature. Did you actually know her before you got married? Did you date? Your a professional guy on a healthy salary. You must therefore have functioning braincells in that head of yours. Are you even listening to what all this is saying?
I think you need to get your big boys pants on and start voicing your intentions to.....
Drum roll please
My 1st ever LTB

Groovinpeanut · 05/01/2021 16:30

My you're..s got lost in predictive text 😲

MiniTheMinx · 05/01/2021 16:48

Don't waste any more time trying to fix this. She's taking you for a mug. Set yourself small goals on the road out. Look at finances, and see how your lives could be disentangled, stop doing her washing, cook for yourself, move back to the spare room, start to try and think of yourself as a single man. What sort of man is he? at the moment she's wiping her feet all over you, is that who you want to be?

PeteringOut · 05/01/2021 17:02

She doesn’t get to decide to not move out. The house is a shared asset so one buys the other out if it’s sold. There’s no ‘you can leave if you want to but the house is mine’

You can separate and live together for a period, if it’s tolerable no one has to leave immediately.

Geppili · 05/01/2021 17:52

She's either got the 'Ick' or someone else has turned her head. Or both. She has checked out of the marriage. Don't bring children into this. Free yourself and work on yourself. You sound very sane and honourable. She, not so much.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/01/2021 19:01

"But now we are in lockdown I cant go anywhere so I guess I just bide my time"

You absolutely can. This is domestic abuse, and that is one of the reasons people can leave their house. I know you said "I guess its not abusive other than shouting and the occasional door slamming" but it really is abuse. Abuse is not just physical. She doesn't have to punch you for it to be abuse. Controlling someone is abusive. She has messed with your head and got you thinking you are not being abused, but you are. Once you're out of her orbit and not subjected to her constant mindfucks you'll be able to see that.

But back to the practicalities. Lockdown does not prevent the victim of domestic abuse from leaving. If you can go to family, so much the better. Otherwise, start looking for a place to rent and get out of there ASAP.

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