Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Once a cheat, always a cheat?

68 replies

Cheator · 03/01/2021 13:02

I got talking to someone online (friend of a friend) during the first lockdown, we then dated and decided to bubble up for the second lockdown. Obviously it means things have moved more quickly and everything is more intense than in any other new relationship I have had.

I knew his first relationship had multiple cheating episodes but they were young and it was his first relationship.

His second and most recent relationship of 6 years ended because he found out his girlfriend cheated 2 weeks before he was about to propose. I picked up on some strange attitudes towards his previous relationship from his family, they didn't seem to be as annoyed as you would expect.

Well it turns out that actually although yes the ex did cheat, my new BF actually had a 3 month affair a couple of years earlier.

So he cheated and everything was fine but when his ex cheated he ended the relationship.

So anyway, sorry really long, would you be worried that he is just going to cheat on me. He has cheated on every relationship he has had but then he has only had two long term relationships.

We are early 30s if that is relevant.

OP posts:
Rockinmomma · 03/01/2021 13:22

Mmmmmm not necessarily. My mum had an affair and remained faithful to new DH until he died 28 years later
My ExH though, cheated on me, cheated on mistress and since splitting from her has jumped from one relationship to another. He seems to get bored, that combined with an unhealthy attitude to sex and relationships
I don’t think there’s a definitive answer OP, some say yes from their own experience. Affairs happen for many reasons
Did your DP tell you about the last affair? Or did you find out from someone else? I’d be concerned if he’s not told you and ask him why. I’d be having a conversation about how important honesty, trust and communication is

NotTheMrMenAgain · 03/01/2021 13:24

Well, you know for a fact he is a convincing and accomplished liar with no loyalty to romantic partners and the morals of an alley cat - historically, at least (and apologies to cats!)

It wouldn't 'worry me' in the slightest because I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole. Why would you put yourself through the drama of a relationship with someone you know you'll never be able to completely trust?

I'm jaded because I've recently split with a cheating husband after a long marriage, so my self esteem is on the floor - but even so, I know I'd deserve so much better than your boyfriend!

SueDeNimm · 03/01/2021 13:29

I wouldn't go near this. Not at all. Because in the back of his mind if you are with him knowing he cheats then you are ok with it - your actions say one thing snd your words another.

It's the cheaters logic and why they keep doing it. "Yes she's pissed off but not that pissed off or she would be gone so I just need to work extra hard to convince her then do what I want, it will be fine"

And he's a dreadful hypocrite. So I would LTB.

Original poster
Cheator · 03/01/2021 13:50

He did tell me himself but only 2 days ago when I have already fallen for him.

The hypocrisy does annoy me too actually.

Obviously he says it's different with me but I am under no illusions that there is anything so special about me that would prevent anyone from cheating if it's on their nature.

We have an amazing sex life but it is the honey moon period so of course we do. When that slows down as life gets in the way will he be tempted to stray.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 03/01/2021 13:56

A cheat will always be the type to cheat - they have proven that. Whether they will cheat again is impossible to tell though.

I wouldn't be with someone who was the type to cheat. How could you ever feel that you trusted them?

Original poster
Cheator · 03/01/2021 14:01

This is my worry. He seems perfect in every other way but now I just think would I be just waiting for him to cheat and even if he never did, it's always going to be in the back of mind.

OP posts:
Dontletitbeyou · 03/01/2021 14:03

Nope , I’d carry on walking . He’s cheated in every relationship he’s ever had . That would be all I needed to know . The chances that he won’t cheat at some point , should you two end up in a relationship , are very very slim .
Don’t wait a couple of years , only to find out he cheated and you’ve wasted the last x amount of years , possibly when by that point there are DC involved .
Ps , don’t get sucked in by the ‘oh but you’re different ‘BS either , he’s not going to admit that yes at some point he’ll likely be off chasing after someone else for a shag .

Suzi888 · 03/01/2021 14:05

If you are always going to think about it then there’s no point.
I’ve a friend who always cheated and she’s stopped in her current relationship. She’s been married over ten years now and says that she will never cheat again. It’s the happiest I’ve known her to be.

chaosisaladder · 03/01/2021 14:06

I think that once someone has “squared” cheating with their conscience, there is always a higher chance of them doing it again. It’s not an abstract idea, it’s something that they’ve actually done before. I mean, he’s got to find someone eventually to settle down with and make miserable, but that doesn’t have to be you.

DedlyMedally · 03/01/2021 14:11

Most likely.
Seeming perfect is how cheaters cheat. They have to be somewhat charming, otherwise they wouldn't be able to cheat (without exchanging money).

Original poster
Cheator · 03/01/2021 14:14

@Suzi888

If you are always going to think about it then there’s no point. I’ve a friend who always cheated and she’s stopped in her current relationship. She’s been married over ten years now and says that she will never cheat again. It’s the happiest I’ve known her to be.
What changed for your friend?
OP posts:
multicolouredcandycanes · 03/01/2021 15:00

Realistically, yes, as it seems he has form for it. But even if you did give him the benefit of the doubt there's a chance you'll spend the rest of your life ever so slightly paranoid it'll happen again. Is it really worth it?

mindutopia · 03/01/2021 15:17

I think it seems quite possible he would cheat again, but it entirely depends on his age maybe and the context. If he was, say, 22 and you are now both early 30s, I'd be inclined to think it may be he was young and stupid. I have two exes who cheated throughout our relationship. One left me and got married very quickly to the OW and as far as I last know was still cheating on her years after they married. Another cheated multiple times in our relationship with lots of other people, met someone else after we broke up (who I think cheated on her fiancee with him and then ended her engagement) and they have now been married several years with dc, but I believe have some sort of open or flexible relationship. I know (by new partner's own admission, we are friends) that they are on a fabswingers type website, so it's possible it's a consensual thing, but who knows.

surelynotnever · 03/01/2021 15:18

You don't trust him, (albeit with good reason).

But you can't have a happy relationship with someone you don't trust. Everytime he's out, you'll be wondering if he really is where he says he is.
That's no life.

yellowhighheels · 03/01/2021 15:30

If it was just the first relationship when he was very young it might be a different response from me, but the fact that he has done so recently and didn't think much of it, rather he felt hard done by when the woman cheated afterwards, is more significant.

Also I don't like that he meted out the truth.

He let you know he had cheated as a youngster knowing you would probably see that as candid and forgivable. He then let you know his heart was broken when he was committed enough to propose. How sad for him. He then revealed, once you had decided to trust him and get invested, that actually, he had cheated recently after all. That feels quite manipulative to me and not like a reformed character.

With regards to 'you're different, I wouldn't do it to you', well, as Mandy Rice Davies said about another cheater, he would say that, wouldn't he?

Raidblunner · 03/01/2021 15:55

I made that mistake with someone. It may not always be the case but it certainly rang true for me. You and your new BF are younger in your 30's. The person I was with was 46 and still couldn't stop cheating. Wish I'd listened to my gut at the time and not wasted 3 years with a serial liar. You must make your own mind up, to cut and run and give yourself the time to heal or pursue it at your peril. Once a cheat not always, but more often than not I'd say.

SueDeNimm · 03/01/2021 16:05

Ha yes the information given to you in the honeymoon period just after you have fallen for them. Otherwise known as 'telling you who he is'

Also known as 'setting his stall out'. But of course you are 'different' and will be the one to change him. Or maybe he has 'grown up'.

Obviously you don't want to dump him for something he hasnt done and when he does cheat it will be a valuable lesson and you will survive. Just don't combine finances, or have a baby with, or marry him. He's not a keeper.

You will not find a single woman here say she met a man with this background and he was faithful. Not one. But we always need to find these things out for ourselves and want to believe we are special with a special connection, but it's not about you it's about what his actions are when he gets bored/feels ignored/gets hit on by someone hot.

So enjoy it for now. But be prepared to deal with cheating later - it's not the end of the world.

MozzchopsThirty · 03/01/2021 16:10

I have always cheated, not proud of it Sad

But not in my current relationship and never would.
He's totally changed me!
We've been together nearly 3 years and I am a completely different person.
I don't look, don't get myself into situations, and we have 100% trust in each other

So no not always a cheater but keep your radar up maybe

Skyla2005 · 03/01/2021 16:12

A one off might be worth the. We fit of the doubt but not cheating in every relationship no I wouldn’t be able to trust this person his clearly got no morals

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/01/2021 16:15

I'd say he's more a serial cheat than a once off mistake type cheat, and no those types of people don't change. To be deceptive and continually on the hunt for the next ego boost is ingrained into the core of their being.

Like mrmen I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole.

Original poster
Cheator · 03/01/2021 16:46

@MozzchopsThirty

I have always cheated, not proud of it Sad

But not in my current relationship and never would.
He's totally changed me!
We've been together nearly 3 years and I am a completely different person.
I don't look, don't get myself into situations, and we have 100% trust in each other

So no not always a cheater but keep your radar up maybe

What is different about this relationship? How long have you been faithful?
OP posts:
Original poster
Cheator · 03/01/2021 16:53

I agree with what everyone else is saying and my gut instinct said the same. I guess I was hoping to come on and everyone say oh gosh now he knows how it feels he will be faithful or something else to convince me not to cut and run.

There is no chance of children between us, I already had mine very young and have zero desire to revisit the baby days and if I changed my mind we would require fertility treatment so no chance of accidental pregnancy either. So I don't know if I should enjoy it for what it is or just leave now before I fall any deeper.

He is so caring, considerate, kind, generous, excellent in bed and encourages me towards my goals (we share a hobby which he coaches me in pretty much as he is far more experienced).

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 03/01/2021 16:53

*His second and most recent relationship of 6 years ended because he found out his girlfriend cheated 2 weeks before he was about to propose. I picked up on some strange attitudes towards his previous relationship from his family, they didn't seem to be as annoyed as you would expect.
*

Did he play himself off as a poor hard done by victim of cheating and make her seem like a bad person?
If so that will tell a hell of a lot about his attitude towards cheating!
It would show a lot of arrogance too about how it's completely 100% acceptable for him to be cheated on even though he does it himself...and it's the same type of arrogance that makes cheaters feel entitled to cheat!

PetertheWalrus · 03/01/2021 17:03

Not always. Ex-FIL left my MIL for the OW and was faithful to her (so far as I can see) until he died 15 years later.

C0NNIE · 03/01/2021 17:09

He cheated on his last two exes and he’s lied to you for your entire relationship. And now you are asking MN if he’s trustworthy ?

I think you know the answer to that.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.