Once a cheat, always a cheat?

[Cheator]

I got talking to someone online (friend of a friend) during the first lockdown, we then dated and decided to bubble up for the second lockdown. Obviously it means things have moved more quickly and everything is more intense than in any other new relationship I have had.

I knew his first relationship had multiple cheating episodes but they were young and it was his first relationship.

His second and most recent relationship of 6 years ended because he found out his girlfriend cheated 2 weeks before he was about to propose. I picked up on some strange attitudes towards his previous relationship from his family, they didn't seem to be as annoyed as you would expect.

Well it turns out that actually although yes the ex did cheat, my new BF actually had a 3 month affair a couple of years earlier.

So he cheated and everything was fine but when his ex cheated he ended the relationship.

So anyway, sorry really long, would you be worried that he is just going to cheat on me. He has cheated on every relationship he has had but then he has only had two long term relationships.

We are early 30s if that is relevant.

You can never be certain that someone will or won't cheat. Every relationship should be taken on its own merits. Every person is individual. Some people can feel certain they never would- they may well be right, but cheating and affairs happen commonly enough that I don't think you can be so black and white. Life happens, relationships change, people change.

For a start one person's version of cheating isn't the same as the next- one person would view porn use as cheating, whilst another couples could have an open relationship where sex is permitted with others but not falling in love. Its not for anyone other than you and your boyfriend to establish what your boundaries and dealbreakers are.

@lemonsquashie

Nope. You don't judge a partner by how they behaved in a previous relationship. Only judge him by how he treats you and your relationship. He may have regrets about his past behaviour and will have learned a valuable lesson. Be grateful that other women broke him in and made him what he is now.

Air your concerns with him direct and let it be known that one strike and he's out.

He has lied to her already though - painted a narrative in which he was the poor sod cheated on by his ex when he himself had for three months been having an affair... so judging him by his behaviour to the OP I would say he lies easily and also likes to play the victim. Both give me the ick.

Add to that that they've likely both been love bombing / future faking due to the forced (well chosen but you know what I mean - unprecedented times and all that) intimacy created by bubbling together and you've got yourself a relationship that already has lies to contend with, someone who reworks history and someone who feels unsure enough they're asking for advice from strangers.

Doesn't sound great to me!

I think it’s definitely an indicator of increased likelihood someone will cheat, but not a definitive rule that they always will.

I cheated in several relationships when I was much younger but would absolutely never do it now with my current partner of five years (late 30s). I’m a different, more grounded person nowadays and would also never jeopardise this relationship or hurt my partner in that way.

Would it be worth discussing it with him further? How did he describe/explain/account for the 3-month episode of cheating?

“ He has lied to her already though - painted a narrative in which he was the poor sod cheated on by his ex when he himself had for three months been having an affair... so judging him by his behaviour to the OP I would say he lies easily and also likes to play the victim.”

Good point @youvegottenminuteslynn

I think deep down you are never going to trust this man and for that reason I can’t see this relationship being long term. It’s almost a self fulfilling prophecy. I would end it

Yep my exH was a serial cheat. It shows poor character and selfishness.. avoid.

In my experience, cheating is a symptom of an inability to:
-take responsibility for one's own flaws
-face problems head-on and ask for help
-respect other people's right to know the truth, however painful or inconvenient
-experience and learn from sadness and loss, rather than hiding and pretending it doesn't exist.

I think that, given a huge change of life, and a deep and thoughtful process of growing up, a person can become more emotionally mature and balanced, and then might not cheat again.

We had a good chat about it last night, he was really open and honest and I believe his version of events.

It's slightly complicated by the fact he was going through some huge physical changes which his girlfriend didn't like but the affair partner was enthusiastic about. When they split up after the exes affair she said she had the affair because of the changes and that's why she couldn't promise not to do it again. She no longer found him attractive.

I have known about these physical attributes from the get go, I accept them and they have never been an issue between us, although I can see why his ex had a problem, it's a big change to someone and a lot to accept.

So I think I can see why it happened and hopefully it won't happen in our relationship but I will certainly be more wary.

The poster who mentioned love bombing, there had definitely been a degree of this on both sides and now I am regretting getting in so deep so fast and want to pull back and slow it down, it wasn't intentional just circumstances making everything more intense.

I could never trust someone who had cheated. If you cheat once what stops you from cheating again?

You either think cheating is totally wrong or you don't. I think it is totally wrong and, thankfully, so does DH.

It's slightly complicated by the fact he was going through some huge physical changes which his girlfriend didn't like but the affair partner was enthusiastic about. When they split up after the exes affair she said she had the affair because of the changes and that's why she couldn't promise not to do it again. She no longer found him attractive.

So I think I can see why it happened

If he wasn't happy with her lack of "enthusiasm" he should have left, not sought reassurance from OW. Equally if his wife was unhappy with his appearance she should have left. They're equally spineless. Although I suspect she also wanted revenge and wanted him to know how it felt.

Once a cheat, always a cheat - possibly, depends.

Proven liar, always a liar - YES.

Don't take a punt on liars.

Oh and did he become a gym puff-up? If so - bleurgh.

I was thinking gym puff up too

It's more complicated than a simple gym puff up but that is an aspect of it. He is very muscular.

I didn't want to cast bias on the original post because I don't thing gender is relevant to wether or not someone will cheat but basically he is Trans, so his ex is a lesbian who started a relationship with a woman. He transitioned during their relationship and she said she couldn't promise not to cheat again because she is gay and attracted to women.

Obviously I totally understand her view (don't agree with cheating though).

I have met him after he has transitioned so it's not a problem between us as I know what I am getting.

errrr it's entirely relevant.

he decided to no longer be the person she consented to be in a relationship with?

he broke the contract, he invalidated her consent?

She absolutely should have simply finished the relationship rather than cheat, OR agree to such a ridiculous condition.

I'm sorry, but being female in a lesbian relationship with a person attracted to females, then deciding to live as a male but expecting them to stay in a relationship and not look elsewhere - basically bouncing them into a relationship with a man - um, the only logical and honest reaction from her to him presumably asking for their committed relationship to continue should have been to laugh in his face, so she's culpable too but - WTF?

There are whole threads and threads devoted to the anguish of betrayed spouses whose partners transition.

A huge factor is the way it's done. A common theme is the transitioner expecting massive support and validation from the partner 'But it's my truth/you should be supporting me' when they've just entirely shat on the whole premise of that support and that relationship.

This seems to be where truth-twisters end up. And you have yourself a truth-twister. Someone who seriously expects to be able to continue their relationship with a lesbian when they've just decided they wish to live as male is... probably a good gaslighter, I'd say.

A friend of my sisters was the OW who dated married man. Wife found out and divorced him. After about 5 months OW and he broke up. My sister asked her why and was shocked when told neither could trust the other because they knew partner would cheat. They were living together and she said every time he worked late she thought he was cheating and argued. So in this case cheats did not prosper. I think in general people who cheat are not nice people. If you don't want to be with someone then end it before looking for someone else.

@YoniAndGuy sorry I didn't mean that it wasn't relevant to their relationship, I think it's a huge thing to expect someone to accept and I can totally understand her point of view, what I meant was that I didn't think the gender issue was relevant to wether he would cheat on me or not. Hope that makes more sense.

I completely agree that you can't just change gender and expect your partner to just be ok with it