Once a cheat, always a cheat?

[Cheator]

I got talking to someone online (friend of a friend) during the first lockdown, we then dated and decided to bubble up for the second lockdown. Obviously it means things have moved more quickly and everything is more intense than in any other new relationship I have had.

I knew his first relationship had multiple cheating episodes but they were young and it was his first relationship.

His second and most recent relationship of 6 years ended because he found out his girlfriend cheated 2 weeks before he was about to propose. I picked up on some strange attitudes towards his previous relationship from his family, they didn't seem to be as annoyed as you would expect.

Well it turns out that actually although yes the ex did cheat, my new BF actually had a 3 month affair a couple of years earlier.

So he cheated and everything was fine but when his ex cheated he ended the relationship.

So anyway, sorry really long, would you be worried that he is just going to cheat on me. He has cheated on every relationship he has had but then he has only had two long term relationships.

We are early 30s if that is relevant.

I wonder if being cheated on has made him see it differently? Did he explain why he split up with her but thought she was fine to forgive him?

That's just me being curious. I wouldn't go near someone like that.

I'd say, make the most while you can, and have a plan prepared for if the cheating does happen, then other than that I'd say treasure each moment you have together.

He has never played her off as being a bad person which is what made me wonder in the first place because if someone cheated on me I don't think I would be so kind about them.

He said when he cheated and his ex found out he promised it would never happen again and he was faithful forever after but it was thrown in his face at every disagreement.

When he found out she cheated she couldn't promise it would never happen again and she said a lot of hurtful things about why she isn't attracted to him and how he physically wasn't what she wanted hence why she couldn't promise to be faithful.

Sex was an issue throughout their relationship from the sounds of it.

A key thing for me as well is the fact that he didn't have a drunken one night stand. He had a cold, calculated, planned affair. Three months is almost 100 days of lying by omission and out and out lying to your partners face. People have different views naturally but to me this makes him a bad person.

I agree with that, a drunken one night stand is somehow easier to understand than a full blown affair.

He was going to leave his girlfriend but decided to stay because they had a mortgage and things together. His affair partner then told his girlfriend.

When I was 18 at about one point I had about three lads on the go, I’m ashamed to say. I then met DP at 19, cheated on him once about a year into the relationship, he forgived me, and we’ve been happy and I’ve remained faithful all the years since. I don’t see myself ever doing anything like that again. I don’t think once a cheat, always a cheat applies to everyone, but it does apply to many. In my case, I just had a lot of growing up to do.

Not only is he a cheat but he's lied and tried to make himself the victim.

He's got double standards about it too.

It's easy to stay faithful when everything's great but how you handle bad times shows your true character. I don't think you can trust him.

@Cheator I've been faithful for almost 3 years and I know for a fact I never would

He is so unlike other men, he gives me confidence, he's supportive, he's attentive, kind, generous, I could go on and on
But other men including my exh always wanted me to look different or act different, they enjoyed putting me down and then that leaves you open to others giving you attention.

But there's nothing I need that I don't get from my partner, I adore him, and I hope we are this happy forever
I certainly won't cheat, I have too much respect for him as a man, a father, everything

Nope. You don't judge a partner by how they behaved in a previous relationship. Only judge him by how he treats you and your relationship. He may have regrets about his past behaviour and will have learned a valuable lesson. Be grateful that other women broke him in and made him what he is now.

Air your concerns with him direct and let it be known that one strike and he's out.

Absolutely @lemonsquashie that's exactly what my counsellor said
So we don't judge each other for past discretions
Different people, different time, different relationship

I had an affair and it remains a secret. I would NEVER cheat again.

I can explain further but before people start saying about 'knowing' I'm as sure on this as I am that I won't drive my car off a cliff.

Not necessarily. I've cheated a lot in relationships... but the one I was just in (ended now for other reasons) I never cheated and couldn't see myself doing it either.

I wouldnt go near it.

it not just the cheating. Cheaters tend to be dramatic, self obsessed bullshitters as well.

You wouldnt judge a partner who had been violent to a previous partner, lemonsquashie?

I don’t think once a cheat always a cheat. I cheated when I was in my early 20s, realized it was a stupid thing to do and haven’t done it again. Why did he cheat on his past two partners us the question you need to be asking and what did he learn from it. If he has only learnt how to not get caught next time then it’s time to move on....

Once a cheat, always a cheat? No, not always. Some people cheat on their partner once and the relationship recovers, and it doesn't happen again.

Your situation is different. If I was you, I would be sceptical about his commitment. He has form for cheating. If you don't trust him, there are no grounds for a strong relationship.

Maybe he didn't feel for these past partners like he feels for you. But you need to be able to trust him.

@user1471565182

You wouldnt judge a partner who had been violent to a previous partner, lemonsquashie?

Hadn't considered violence as a factor here but I would not forgiving at all

I wouldn't say always as in, I cheated when I was 17 years old (a kiss) but never have since and it's been quite a while - but in this situation I would be extremely wary

My exh had never cheated, before he cheated. Of the two of us, he was the more judgemental about cheating. Fat lot of good that did me. I'd rather be with someone more realistic these days; I'd take someone who had cheated previously, and was emotionally intelligent and honest about it.

Is it really hypocrisy if he left his fiancée when she cheated? When it was just him who had cheated, he knew that he still wanted to be with her - sounds like a pragmatic decision, but he evidently thought they got on well and it was still worth marrying her. I can see how her then cheating would tip the balance in the other direction.

To be honest I think it was her reasons for cheating rather than the act of cheating itself that made it unforgivable in his eyes and why she couldn't be sure it wouldn't happen again.

I think I am going to pull back a bit, enjoy our time together and try not to get carried away. See what happens but accept this is more of a fun for now rather than a future forever. Not all relationships have to be working towards marriage, sometimes you need someone who fits your current circumstances.

It’s risky. I think some people are just wired differently when it comes to cheating. If an opportunity comes, they take it. I have a friend like this who will always take the bait if she fancies the man and thinks she will get away with it.

He will cheat again if an opportunity arises, meaning, once the honeymoon period/'oxytocin production in spades' is over and he meets someone he finds sexually attractive and, importantly, available/willing. There are loads of women happy to fuck a guy in a relationship so he doesn't even have to lie.

Whilst I agree people who previously and consistently cheat in each relationship, can change...I wouldn't risk it. I can understand if you have fallen for him etc, but I'd also use the 1 strike and you are out policy.

Interestingly like @ravenmum my ex was a cheater under the radar and positively high horse about cheaters. After I found out he cheated and left him, I also found out that his ex prior to me (who he was with for 7 years) was convinced he cheated on her but couldn't find the proof.

As someone who has been cheated on, I would not hesitate binning my OH if I found out he had crossed a line, even though I love him...no bloody way will I stay with someone who is so deceitful.