In fucking bits, doubting myself and cannot rationalise at all

[HeadIsFucked]

Namechanged for this, not even sure why really as strangers on the internet potentially judging me shouldn't bother me at all..but here we are.

I made a post 3 years back on the same kind of thing too and have spent the past hour reading it and the responses as it was definitely 'the worst time' and I was talking to a friend about the situation and thought it might be best to find it to explain. Its long though, very very long but might give some context. I am also slightly overwhelmed (and crying) after rereading the replies, as I have never before seen such a unanimous answer. But I STILL keep telling myself its only once or twice a year and everything is fine all other times! I fucking know this is wrong so this thread is maybe unneeded. I know its wrong, but seem to have cognitive dissonance as I am going from 'fuck this' one minute to..but its rare and just annoying. ( www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2838715-Advice-needed-heads-totally-fucked?msgid=66569401 )

So, I was invited to my mums for new years eve. I was going to take the kids, mainly because my sister hasnt seen them in ages, but they always enjoy it too and honestly, I figured leaving them at home would result in 'DS is deathly ill, you need to come home'(when he coughed once) or something. However, DH spent 3 days working on the kids, promising them random shit, ice cream, more chocolate than they would get at grandmas, movie night, and so on. Both decided to stay with him. I think he thought that if they stayed here, I would to. But I didn't go last year due to really bad pain issues..and really wanted to go! So I stuck to it. When my dad came to pick me up, I got 'so I am being left with the kids ON MY OWN?!' even though he purposely made it that way as my plan was to take them!

I left my phone on purpose as previously I have had nonestop whinging about me going to my parents house if I am staying there overnight, it seems ok if its for a few hours but overnight always causes issues. I almost convinced myself to abscond for the entire weekend as I knew a shitstorm would be awaiting me when I got back.

Anyway, had a great time, got back to whinging of course. 'I have been made a total mug of again, just like always'?! The last time I went there was 2 years ago. I could kind of understand it if I was out every weekend or something, but no.

Been really off with me since, though I didn't get quite as much shit as expected but I didn't answer him at all really, just 'ok, whatever' replies as really did not have the energy to deal with it.

But despite there being minimal whinging, I cannot stop thinking about it all. Which led to me talking to my friend and hunting down that thread from 3 years back then ending up in bits (I actually had to move off computer and come to my room as was crying so much) at it all. I was so fucking clear at that stage that I did want to go. I actually messaged my dad, but I did it from a secret facebook account (well I call it that, it was actualy made specifically to play on some games that I had an accunt on but wanted to keep playing!..which is rather pathetic!) so my message went straight to his spam which I didnt find out for a month or so. I didn't know this for ages, and assumed he just got sick of the drama and ignored it. Which fucked my head even more! Long stry short,. I convinced myself that it really wasnt that bad as it was so rare and its all fine other times. So a bit whinging on twice a year at most if fine. I keep thinking that even now, 3 years on with the few times I have gone out the same thing happening, to various degrees.

One thing thats massively playing on my mind though, is befre I left I knew there would be shit, and asked my 16 year old stepdaughter to keep an eye on things just incase. Not for violence, but because I could see him being nasty with my son potentially and sending him to bed early or something because I went out. I think this because one of the times I went out, he was put to bed early. I was told he was being really really naughty mind, and he might have been, but the timing always seemed odd to me. I know this makes it all even more messed up too. But genuinely don't trust my own thoughts right now, at all.

The main thing I have to focus on here though, is I am very ill. I absolutely could not deal with the kids alone. He does most of everything for them. I know its easy to say 'but you can get help' but the level of help..would be quite impossible. I also take the view that maybe my situation is making my pain condition worse than it might be if everything was different, but doubt it as this really is a rare thing, but it happens everytime and shows no sign of ending now.

Sorry if this is huge. Last attempt was so essay like that many said they couldn't read it all! But worried about dripfeeding as that seems to annoy people!

Reading this back, I dont even know my question really. Which is even more bonkers than the situation. How do I stop the behaviour maybe? Leaving seems impossible given the situation. To make things even worse, I had a long chat with my brother about how things are at home, and came to the conclusion that I am now here out of convenience not love. Which makes me feel guilty as fuck. I am literally here as I dont know how to manage otherwise. I dont know if he still loves me, I can't see how as we have no affection at all either at this stage.

You need to get some support for yourself. You say it is quite impossible, can you explain why?

I read over your last thread, just the first post and he is totally unhinged and no doubt adding to your suffering. How old are your children? Where is your mum living in relation to you?

You need to get away from him as a priority.

Kids are 6 and 8. Its impossible as I often have massive pain attacks which can leave me totally unable to even get out of bed for 10 hours+ at a time. Regular trips to A+E despite lots of very strong meds )equivalant of 200mg of morphine per day at the min) No way could I manage the school run on a regular basis, maybe a one off. My parents have said if I ever left they would help, but they cannot put their lives on complete hold for me which would be what was realistically required 90% of the time.

And my mum lives about half an hour away. Sorry missed that bit!

I think you need to talk to your mum and see what you can work out. Re your pain meds, is there anything that can be done on that score?. It sounds unbearable for you.

I'm also concerned about his behaviour and attitude could be affecting your children

Give over . Just leave him . Yesterday

Pain meds wise, nope. Infact I had a discussion with GP a few weeks back and it sounds like they want to take what I currently get off me completely, which is fucking terrifying to think about. Gave me 6 months as my physio has all been cancelled recently (not that it was working before) but if I dont manage to get an appointment by then then they say they will reduce as concerned about the amount I am on. As if its my fault that its taking ages for an appointment..

I am concerned about the kids too, that came up before, how they will possibly model their own lives on ours, which is also scary. That was what made me ultimately decide to go before. I did actually leave once..after one of these episodes. It lasted 3 days. He 'wanted to see the kids' and I gave in as they kept asking about him too and I listened to everything I had done wrong t cause the situation and we decided things would change. But then, again next time I went out same thing. It seems like nothing, because its so rare. I even fully expect a bit of shitting on when I agree to go somewhere at this stage. Thats another massive issue. They are so so close to him, especially with him being the primary carer. It seems almost cruel to take them away? But I cannot imagine leaving them..no way.

It only happens once in a blue moon because you only seek to go out alone once in a blue moon. It's no life OP. Your family sound supportive. Can they help? If you genuinely can't/don't want to leave your husband then you need to learn how to deal with his frankly bizarre behaviour. You will get exactly the same answers on here you got 3 years ago. I'm sorry but your husband is very strange

I don’t fully understand. You left the kids with him for the whole weekend without any means of being contacted, and he does an equal share of child caring, and he was upset? I think there are a lot of things going on, but I can almost understand some level of frustration from him. Does he get a break? Is it equal? Is he both caring for you and the children? Is he abusive as well as doing all these things? All truths can be real, and I guess maybe some counselling might help you sort out a plan of action. If you separated would he need to still take on the main care?

learn how to deal with his frankly bizarre behaviour.

I think this might be what I am after..some ideas about that, that do not involve not going to my parents house really..

I don't know though. Am swinging from one view to the other and just, messed up. I cannot think of any other word for it. I read the replies, I read my friend and sister saying the exact same thing, hell at the time of the last thread I sent it to 2 close male friends for advice and they both said the exact fucking same as everyone else. I know this is not normal, I know this but am still arguing with myself about it and I have no idea why. I know this sounds ridiculous, I feel ridiculous even typing it, but thats how it is at the minute.

I really really wish there was even the possibility of my pain going away., But 6 years on and still no further forward, no chance now which just makes me feel utterly defeated to be quite honest.

@audweb

I don’t fully understand. You left the kids with him for the whole weekend without any means of being contacted, and he does an equal share of child caring, and he was upset? I think there are a lot of things going on, but I can almost understand some level of frustration from him. Does he get a break? Is it equal? Is he both caring for you and the children? Is he abusive as well as doing all these things? All truths can be real, and I guess maybe some counselling might help you sort out a plan of action. If you separated would he need to still take on the main care?

I left them for one night, though was so tempted to go for the weekend once I got there. My original plan was taking them with me. He chose to tempt them with everything under the sun to stay. He does a more than equal share, he is primary carer by a mile. I do what I can, but what I can is not that much..which is part of my issue.

He goes to the gym quite regularly, though after the kids are settled for bed. He goes to his cousins quite a bit. I actively encourage him to go out but he doesn't that much, though when he does..I actually amost beg him to stay out with whoever he is out with as have had issues there too, hes not great on alcohol, especially if hes drank stupid amounts. Didnt see the point in mentioning that as its been so long since he went drinking it seems almost irrelevant now.

This is part of whats making me question everything. He does everything, and usually without moaning at all. It only ever becomes an issue on the rare times I go to my parents house. But the fact that he does everything, IS that a reason for this? I feel a bit unreasonable that he does so much and am even considering whinging about him being dodgy a few nights a year..

You're 3 years further on from your last thread about this. What do you want? To split up? Or for him to stop being so ridiculous when you go to your mum’s?

He does everything because it’s a great way to control you. What is the cause of your pain? I don’t mean to sound dismissive but as someone who has dealt with chronic pain you would be amazed at the effect of the environment and your mental well-being has on pain levels. I can’t help but feel you would cope a damn site better without him.

I’ve read your previous and current posts and the only thing I can say, is the advice you received previously still applies. You are not in a loving, caring relationship, you and your children are in an abusive household. You know this is the truth, you recognise it. You have admitted staying with him because you fear that you are incapable of raising your children alone. That’s not a good reason stay, how will you know what you are capable of unless you try?

Do you know the biggest 'class' of women who are abused OP? It's disabled women. I don't know if you'd identify as disabled, but your level of pain would lead me to think you do have a disability... the only reason this happens once or twice every few years is because you only step out of line once or twice every few years because of your pain. But you are being abused and controlled.

We do not talk about this enough as a society and I really, really urge you to contact women's Aid for specialist advice.

You were quite happy to take the children with you to your parents, but he persuaded them to stay with him and was unhappy you still went, because he persuaded the children to stay with him ?

Would he have been welcome to come to your parents aswell ?

If you split up, would you be eligible for any support, like carers? And if I were your mum, I would prefer to help you practically on a daily basis and "put my life on hold" - than I would to leave you and my gc at the mercy of a man like this.

Also, is your chronic pain condition exacerbated by stress?

Personally I would leave as some damage cannot be undone.
It kind of sound like he possibly resents all that he does and it builds up until something like a spa trip/night out happens. Then he manifests that frustration by trying to control you and be with you regardless. Also whats with the constant lying about what he has and hasn't said? I'd say his dad is well aware of what he is like so change is probably not going to happen.

I am not meaning to be nosey, but are you suffering from fibromyalgia? This is exacerbated by stress and living with a man that behaves as he does must be causing you stress even if you arent aware of it.

Your previous thread really highlighted how truly bizarre his behaviour is. Its so far from normal but it sounds like you do normalise it.

Yeah I offered to take them, he persuaded them to stay, then whinged that he was being left alone with them and I was still going, so to me, the reason he persuaded them to stay was as he thought that would make me not go. He was welcome to come too. He said he didn;t want to, but did the day before at one stage say he would come, BUT, wanted to get a taxi hom at about 2am. Which was just so fiddly that it sounded like more obstacles and I could see how that one would turn int a nightmare really, waking the kids up at 2am, probably a bit pissed, to get into a taxi, on new years day (IF we could get one in the first place, and it would be a fortune too) just sounded ridiculous. So I said that no, we wouldn't be doing that but he was still welcome to come, just we would come home in the morning.

Not sure if illness is made worse by stress or not..I have had times when 'away' from him were I have still been in terrible pain, have spent a day at my mams before basically crying inside trying to act normal as it freaks everyone out to see me in agony. My dad still seems to see it though, as he looks at me with concern when I am masking that way, and not at other times though doesn't say anything, besides the odd 'are you sure you are ok?'. Am basically in the habit of acting 'normal' whenever possible, even when actively feeling like someone is twisting a knife in my ribs, because it upsets the kids so so much to see me in pain, it must be confusing for them and my daughter gets seriously upset so..I had to master it or see them even less.

If we split techincally my mum could get carers I think but from what I understand I would be better off getting the severe disability premium and just giving her that to help out, most people are better off not getting carers allowance if they can sort it between themselves as someone getting carers knocks everything a bit wonky. And she wouldn't benefit from claiming it as she has bought her house, she would benefit a LOT if she was renting.

I don't think I have fibro. It seems similar in some ways..unexplained pain, constant exhaustion and such. But it was ruled out as I don't get the brain fog, and the pains always in the same place, not in random joints and such. The exhaustion is because I find it impossible to sleep most of the time. Oddly enough, after my breakdown last night I have slept for 15 hours straight, so crying helped something at least, thats more sleep than I usually get in a week! So feel quite good in that regard. Also feeling guilty again, as have been just left to sleep til now, though kids will have been up about 7. He heard me get up and was straight up asking if I want a cuppa and saying to stay in bed to have it to chill a bit. Things like this..are what make me feel so unreasonable about whinging about the odd episode. I came to the conclusion a while back that it was deliberate, to get especially nice after a bad day/night/whatever..but it really does seem like its..well all the time (except after a night out).

I was thinking last night about the whole thing and while I am definitely calmer now than then, am still just as confused in my head really. On most levels, he seems great. Like, I cannot imagine any guy who would take over near 100% of the childcare/housework/everything without whinging (and it would be understandable whinging too, look how many posts there are about mothers doing the lions share..it IS unfair and draining) and a week or so after something like this, I tend to just shrug it off and forget it, until the next time.

But honestly, things are not 'great' otherwise either. Certainly not relationship wise. Hes great with the kids, which is my primary focus. But trying to think about 'us'..he ignores me a lot, like point blank ignores me when I talk..says he 'zones out' when watching TV and cannot hear anything, but am not sure if thats 'a thing' or not?! Never heard of people going deaf when watching something but it could be! He can be a bit snappy. More with his mother than me to be fair, but him snapping at his mother realy upsets me. We have no affection anymore. Obviously sex life would never be great with my issues, however, it is nonexistant. Due to a few reasons which might make him sound horrid but..most of its over and its still in my head, it is not going on now. I feel bad even writing this as I know anyone thinking he sounds ok is going to turn off at this stage but its relevant in a way to the whole situation. Went through a period a couple of years back, where I would wake up with him groping me, once actually trying to shag me. I told him in no uncertain terms that it creeped the fuck out of me. He said previous partners have been ok with it and I said thats fine..I know some women who do like that but I really really don't. Then, for a few months, it continued, despite him knowing how much I hated it. Except, he started pretending to be asleep when doing so. I know it was pretending as a few times I woke up to it, and as soon as I moved, he would freeze up, then if I said anything, put on a really sleepy voice as if I had just woke him up. Now, this is not going on now and has not for some time. But its still deep in my head and quite honestly, him touching me at all now just kind of creeps me out, even harmless (and good really) stuff like putting his arm round me when going to sleep. I am really trying to get over this but..its taking a shitload of time which I don't think helps matters at all. Ontop of this, his idea of proposing sex is basically..turning away from the playstation or whatever he is watching (tends to go straight on playstation when kids are sorted if not at gym, which again, is fine as I watch stuff or fanny on laptop..and he deserves some 'me time' however he choses to have it I reckon) at midnight and saying 'do you want to have sex?'. Well, again I feel awful and have actually told him this so many times, but when its like that, 99 times of 100, its going to be a no tbh. Thats even without taking previous stuff into account too. Result? Its been maybe 6 months now since we had sex, and before that it was longer. Which again, makes me feel I am the unreasonable one here. He is utting up with basically being a single parents most of the time, doing everything, little/no sex..and its me thats unhappy?!

Went into maybe more detail than I planned there. I guess I really need to get it all out and start trying to fix my fucking head somewhat. As am still swinging between I need to try and get out however possible, and I am being hugely unfair and awful. He does so much, the kids would be devastated, I would be fucked, even with help...when really, in my mind it should be him who is unhappy and wanting to leave, I should be fucking grateful?!

But I think it suits him that you are dependent on him, that's why he doesn't make an issue out of all that. He's got you perfectly under his thumb and under control. It's when you get out of the box he's got you in that he reacts badly.

Doing that to you in your sleep is abusive, it's non-consensual and especially after you told him you're not into it, he should never have done it again. There's a word for what that is.

Not sure if illness is made worse by stress or not..I have had times when 'away' from him were I have still been in terrible pain, have spent a day at my mams before basically crying inside trying to act normal as it freaks everyone out to see me in agony.

Yes, but presumably when you've been away from him previously, you've also intended to return? So there would be no real change in the emotional background.

I don't want to minimise the pain issue as its clearly very severe and I don't have direct experience. But at some level it sounds as if you are using this as an excuse not to face up to this.

As someone else suggested, I wonder if the stress of this relationship could be linked to this.

But separately there has to be a way to deal with this. This is a deeply unhealthy and abusive relationship and you to find a contingency plan which will allow you to manage the pain without him.

Have you spoken directly to your family about how urgently you need to get away from him?

Dp you think the meds are causing the constant exhaustion, do they have a sedative effect for pain? The side effects could be insomnia as well though?

You will feel 100 times worse not sleeping, I think you should talk to your mum, she sounds supportive OP

Yes, but presumably when you've been away from him previously, you've also intended to return? So there would be no real change in the emotional background.

Thats a good point I guess..so I wouldn't really know if situation is making things worse or not.

I have been a bit proactive today actually. Am on writing an email to womensaid right now about what they think my options are. I am considering asking him to leave for a bit. I know his dad has a second house right next door to his own, which he could live in (possibly rent free) or a bit with DSD until I sort stuff out. But am..apprehensive about this. Have decided to ask FILs partner if she thinks this would be a possibility..I don't want to ask FIL as while he has been supportive through everything, its still his son so cannot rely on him being unbiased. I trust her to keep it between us. I am worried about the reaction though. Very worried.

Not sure if its worse today or I am just more aware than usual right now. But have had long banging on about wanting to move to Spain (!), saying could just send kids to a Spanish school and they would pick it up (!) then thinking I am massively unfair when I said thats just cruelty IMO to send them somewhere they cannot even attempt to communicate coz he is sick of being here. Followed by an hour of silence.

Also been treated to a story about how his ex apparently used to fight blokes, was kicking off once and throwing men about, bouncers tried getting involved and she fought them, then he walked in, say 'stop' and she chilled, with a smile and shrug and 'god knows why she was scared of me though'. That kind of comment is pretty standard thinking back, but its always a jokey kind of thing? I tend to have a bit of a 'thats proper crap' reaction rather than the laughing with him thing I think he wants?