In fucking bits, doubting myself and cannot rationalise at all

[HeadIsFucked]

Namechanged for this, not even sure why really as strangers on the internet potentially judging me shouldn't bother me at all..but here we are.

I made a post 3 years back on the same kind of thing too and have spent the past hour reading it and the responses as it was definitely 'the worst time' and I was talking to a friend about the situation and thought it might be best to find it to explain. Its long though, very very long but might give some context. I am also slightly overwhelmed (and crying) after rereading the replies, as I have never before seen such a unanimous answer. But I STILL keep telling myself its only once or twice a year and everything is fine all other times! I fucking know this is wrong so this thread is maybe unneeded. I know its wrong, but seem to have cognitive dissonance as I am going from 'fuck this' one minute to..but its rare and just annoying. ( www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2838715-Advice-needed-heads-totally-fucked?msgid=66569401 )

So, I was invited to my mums for new years eve. I was going to take the kids, mainly because my sister hasnt seen them in ages, but they always enjoy it too and honestly, I figured leaving them at home would result in 'DS is deathly ill, you need to come home'(when he coughed once) or something. However, DH spent 3 days working on the kids, promising them random shit, ice cream, more chocolate than they would get at grandmas, movie night, and so on. Both decided to stay with him. I think he thought that if they stayed here, I would to. But I didn't go last year due to really bad pain issues..and really wanted to go! So I stuck to it. When my dad came to pick me up, I got 'so I am being left with the kids ON MY OWN?!' even though he purposely made it that way as my plan was to take them!

I left my phone on purpose as previously I have had nonestop whinging about me going to my parents house if I am staying there overnight, it seems ok if its for a few hours but overnight always causes issues. I almost convinced myself to abscond for the entire weekend as I knew a shitstorm would be awaiting me when I got back.

Anyway, had a great time, got back to whinging of course. 'I have been made a total mug of again, just like always'?! The last time I went there was 2 years ago. I could kind of understand it if I was out every weekend or something, but no.

Been really off with me since, though I didn't get quite as much shit as expected but I didn't answer him at all really, just 'ok, whatever' replies as really did not have the energy to deal with it.

But despite there being minimal whinging, I cannot stop thinking about it all. Which led to me talking to my friend and hunting down that thread from 3 years back then ending up in bits (I actually had to move off computer and come to my room as was crying so much) at it all. I was so fucking clear at that stage that I did want to go. I actually messaged my dad, but I did it from a secret facebook account (well I call it that, it was actualy made specifically to play on some games that I had an accunt on but wanted to keep playing!..which is rather pathetic!) so my message went straight to his spam which I didnt find out for a month or so. I didn't know this for ages, and assumed he just got sick of the drama and ignored it. Which fucked my head even more! Long stry short,. I convinced myself that it really wasnt that bad as it was so rare and its all fine other times. So a bit whinging on twice a year at most if fine. I keep thinking that even now, 3 years on with the few times I have gone out the same thing happening, to various degrees.

One thing thats massively playing on my mind though, is befre I left I knew there would be shit, and asked my 16 year old stepdaughter to keep an eye on things just incase. Not for violence, but because I could see him being nasty with my son potentially and sending him to bed early or something because I went out. I think this because one of the times I went out, he was put to bed early. I was told he was being really really naughty mind, and he might have been, but the timing always seemed odd to me. I know this makes it all even more messed up too. But genuinely don't trust my own thoughts right now, at all.

The main thing I have to focus on here though, is I am very ill. I absolutely could not deal with the kids alone. He does most of everything for them. I know its easy to say 'but you can get help' but the level of help..would be quite impossible. I also take the view that maybe my situation is making my pain condition worse than it might be if everything was different, but doubt it as this really is a rare thing, but it happens everytime and shows no sign of ending now.

Sorry if this is huge. Last attempt was so essay like that many said they couldn't read it all! But worried about dripfeeding as that seems to annoy people!

At this stage, any suggestions about the pain are probably just as helpful as advice on how to actually leave, so don't worry about that at all!

Naproxen made little difference to be honest. But they had me on 1000mg 3x per day for maybe a year. At the year mark thats when the acupan was added. I got quite a bit of relief then but put it down to the acupan, especially as relief didn't lessen when naproxen ended.

Amitryptaline, highest dose I got to was 100mg, but GP was worried about that as 'high dose', said for pain/sleep reasons max should be 75mg. It didn't really do anything for the pain though, but sleeping it did help with. GP had knocked that down to 20mg per day at the stage palexia was brought up, and I got a choice between trying the new 'wonder drug' (was 2016 I think when palexia started for me..apparently it was pretty much brand new on the market at that stage) or staying with loads of pain but better sleep, and went for the one that could help pain (aswell as sleep, though mainly pain, is what I was told). Was on instant release palexia at that stage, 50mg tablets whenever I eeded them, up to 6 a day. I was taking maybe averagely 4, GP got all flustered over it as she admitted she knew nothing about it even though pain clinic recommended it, and apparently it would be her who was blamed if something went wrong even though someone 'higher' recommended it? Not sure how all that works. Thats when I was first put on oramorph. Which was definitely the wonder drug for me. For a year. I still had a lot of pain between doses mind, as doses lasted very short term..but I could take it right before..say..going to the shops and I could do it like a normal person, aslong as I could either take some more an hour or so later, or be back in by then. Until they said it was too dangerous to continue, at which stage the palexia started again but apparently I could no longer get the instant release as its now solely for cancer pain and such, so had slow release instead.

Looks like I can just outright buy that palmitoylethanolamide? Might have a try of that. I don't really like trying random stuff you can just get, but would be willing to try pretty much anything at the min.

Had a really weird period of time where my GP swore buscopan would work better than any of the stuff I was on. Pain clinic doctor literally laughed when I said that had been suggested, made me feel awful He said in theory it could help a bit, but the amount of pain I am in would no way be treated with that. As far as I know there was a LOT of to and fro between gp and pain clinic about that, eventually I just tried it alongside meds I was on at time and it again, made no difference so that was that.

GP has never seen me at my worst though so I kind of understand why they might be doubtful (though really, a+e record should speak for itself, even if they have only seen 'better' times personally). Both psychologist and pain clinic doctor have seen me at very very bad times though, so seem to take me seriously where GP I think write me off as a drug seeker sometimes.

It makes me so drowsy I can sleep even when I want to just curl up in a ball and cry from the pain.

Also this part was the same for me. It did not help the pain, but it allowed me to sleep through it a lot of the time. Even if I literally cried myself to sleep while putting pressure on my side (which is not uncommon ) on that stuff I could stay asleep maybe 8 hours. Where now, I can sometimes get myself to fall asleep but its for short bursts, then up again in pain, then half hour, that kind of thing. Average probably adds up to about 15 hours per week sleep I get which I now won't help things either. After my big sleep the other day I still feel full of energy now, think my body is in a bit of shock actually! Hasnt affected pain levels, but it seems easier to deal with when I am not also zombified. I think if I didn't have the kids, I would go for sleeping meds over pain meds, but..it doesnt really work out too great if I am able to sleep, but then unable to mask the pain enough to spend some time with them..or often, unable to mask it at all as its at its worst, which tends to be in maybe 2-3 hour bursts, followed by a bit of relief but still quite a bit of pain.

What has medics quite baffled, is how nothing really seems to make it better or worse. Apparently with something like this, generally they would see much worse pain the day after I pushed myself to do something (which I can do spontaneously, sometimes depending on a few factors, but alwasys leaves me wiped for ages afterwards) it would be worse, but the pain isn't, just the exhaustion. Likewise, during hospital visits where I don't even get out of bed bar going to the loo, pain is the same levels.

What also confuses them a bit apparently, is how smetimes, rarely these days but at one stage it was maybe a few times per month, I could have 8 hours+ where it went away completely. I have the nerve pain in my stomach area from the operation always in the backgrund even in 'painfree' times, but as I said, can kind of deal with that one as its nt as intense as the rib pain. Ontop of this, the condition actually started as something I would get maybe once a month, that lasted a few hours. Obviously I didnt really need meds for that, would just struggle through the few hours then be ok. Then, when I was pregnant with my son it went away completely. Another thing that confuses them as pregancy tends to make things worse for most. I thought at one stage pregnancy had cured me totally actually. Then a couple of months after giving birth, it was back with a vengeance, and since then its been near constant, bar a few random breaks where it seems to just totally turn itself off for a bit! I have suggested possibly something to do with hormones as part of the issue, given the pregnancy thing, but was again laughed at and told hormones would not make that much difference, and hormone inbalance would have been picked up in bloods by now.

Sorry for essays also..jesus. I tend to go a bit too much into things, but my posts on here compared to others, the lengths is..stark. I suspect most turn off just looking at the size of them!

I think you need to ask for extra help and get out of this relationship. The effect this must be having on your children is massive!

MIL is here today, worked into the conversation how I am thinking of maybe 'a weeks break', where I would take them to my families and he would also get a break. Though of course, the actual plan is 'harsher' than that. She started crying saying last time we split up he was in bits, and such. Also that shes worried he would be more nasty/shouty with her if I am not there.

That shouldnt be my responsibility as its his mother, and hes her son but..even that makes me feel bad, the knock on effect my decisions culd have on others.

MIL comment about her son is very telling. She shouldn't be putting that on you. A little empathy would tell her it's much harder on the partner and kids he lives with who have to deal with his behaviour all the time. She should be encouraging you to go not guilting you into staying.

Is it possible to change GPS? Yours doesn't sound very comfortable treating chronic pain. I don't know of any contraindications to using Palexia (or any other painkiller) and high dose Amitriptyline together. Only one I could think of was if they made you too sedated. Amitriptyline has been around and used for ongoing treatment at high doses for a long time. She's right the nerve pain effects are 'usually' not felt above 75mg. But it's non habit forming and generally a very safe drug and you need sleep. Do you suffer from anxiety or depression at all? As it could be a good reason to ask your GP to consider you adding it to current medication.

Palmitoylethanolamide here you get from compound pharmacists. In some countries its available as a health supplement. I spoke to my gp and a pharmacist I trust to check it was safe with the medication I was on then. There's medical studies online if you google it and PubMed which is a good online source of scientific information on medications.

It is a very different presentation to the chronic pain conditions I'm familiar with. You could look up complex regional pain syndrome and see if it strikes a cord, but most chronic pain conditions worsen with activity.

Might seem very left field, have you ever been on the pill and does that help the pain? I'm thinking specifically of endometriosis which can adhere to other areas in the abdomen and cause very high levels of pain. Sometimes the pill helps this, sometimes surgery is required to reduce the adhesions. A friend's specialist is trying to get her seen for this. But the gynaecology team are saying it's just part of her current condition and won't see her. Keyhole laparoscopy can diagnose and treat it. Is it a low rib near the abdomen so the pain could be from the abdomen or higher up?

Higher than my stomach..though pain sometimes radiates there and my spine too. The pain is always in the exact same place, basically feels like its just down a 'strip' of ribs, right where my arm would hang..about halfway down shoulder to elbow.

No I asked to try the pill and see if it helped though, but got a no, and no explanation beyond 'the implant is more effective' even though my query was along the 'if it might be hormonal, the pill could help there surely'. They rubbished the idea of it possibly being connected with that so mch that I totally dropped that theory, except in my own head.

It was the pain clinic, not the GP who said mixing amitryptaline (and a few other meds) could be quite dangerous.

Will have a look tomorrw about the regional pain thing. Need to attempt to sleep now. Thanks so much though for your replies here too.

Have they considered chronic pleurisy? Pleurisy is an inflammation of the membrane encasing a lung. It won’t show up on many scans and your blood work showed inflammation. Pleurisy is very high pain, like stabbing sensation that gets worse when breathing but can also radiate to spine and shoulder. It also causes high fatigue levels.

One cause of chronic pleurisy is autoimmune conditions such as lupus- have you been tested for any of those?

Too lupus can actually get better (or worse) during pregnancy, but almost always there will be a bad flare up right after delivery. So that would fit with your pregnancy experience if lupus is causing the chronic inflammation centred along you right ribs/lung area.

I have read your post from three years ago and this recent one also. I honestly think you need to do whatever you can to get away from him. I have multiple disabilities and chronic pain and can tell you that this environment is not good for your health, even without underlying conditions. If you weren't having to think of his histrionics all the time, you would have more head space to dedicate to finding out what is going on with your health and maybe take some measures to decrease your pain (dietary changes, exercise, sleeping more... these things have all helped me at least a little).

Can you have an honest conversation with your parents and go from there? I am guessing at this point they would be happy to offer any support that might enable you to leave him! Someone mentioned womens aid. Calling them might be a great start also, to find out what support you are eligible for in your situation.

Trying to get a diagnosis and appropriate treatment for a mystery health condition is an absolute nightmare as I am sure you know and you do not need this man's drama adding to that. Has nothing at all shown up in scans etc? I really feel for you, unrelenting pain is something else (as is living with an unrelenting dickhead!)

OP I read some of this but not all, but I think I got the gist of it. What occurs to me in reading your initial post is that he may be responsible for a lot of your pain and leaving him seems like a bloody good idea from where I am sitting right now.
Life should never be like this

Op you need a different life.
The stress of living with your dp will not help your pain levels.
And ask the gp to check out the shadow on your liver, if its a liver cyst they can sometimes cause the pain you describe. Especially if caused by a tapeworm, which can also affect your vitamin b12 levels.

Sorry not been on since last post. Pleurisy has never been mentioned (I did have a full body scan thing years back though where apparently they were most concerned about lungs? Might have been loking for that there). Lupus not been mentioned either but from reading about that it doesnt seem to fit (though I know not all will have same symptoms)

Its interesting tapeworm has been mentioned actually, though I try to turn off with stuff like that as it creeps me out a lot. As recently, like in the past 2/3 months I have been losing weight very fast, without changing diet/excercise at all. Have now lost 2 stone with no changes in any part of my life. I (probably quite stupidly, granted) was planning on bringing that up at the doctors after I got to an ideal weight (am a bit overweight tbh, 5'5 and now am 12stone) given its going so fast so its not going to make too much difference waiting a month or so, that was my thought process anyway. Struggled to lose weight for ages so really don't want this to end at the moment, though if it culd potentially also stop pain wuld do whatever in a heartbeat! So yeah, know I am being a bit stupid in ignoring unexplained weight loss, but its been an ongoing battle for me for years now, and I also figured maybe losing some weight might help the pain a bit. Will bring it up when I see the GP though. I figure though, even if have managed to develop some new condition ontop of old one, the original issue can;t really have been that, or would have been losing weight for 6 years now, its definitely a recent thing.

I have managed to get a GP appointment for 16th feb. Was denied anything to start with but stood my ground, will bring everything up then..if I can as usually quite rushed. IF I booked a private appointment would I be able to carry on with NHS care after that appointment? Just wondering as could probably afford a one off but not continually. And I seem to be getting nowhere with my docs.

Am planning on making it a bit easier on myself and suggesting a week apart to start with, though I know how it will go, both saying this and how the week will be. I am still feeling insanely guilty over even thinking any of this. I really feel like the bad guy here, and no amount of rereading previous replies to tell me its not me (or not just me at the very least) is clicking in my brain. I feel ungrateful. I feel awful. I wish I hadn't said anything to MIL as though she won't say anything, its now making me guilty as its right that hes awful to her and likely will be more awful if I am not there as I tend to try and reign him in a bit and..maybe even if hes in a mood, direct it onto me instead of her as she gets so upset. Theres also the stepkids. I have been in their lives 13 years now and honestly, his youngest especially I see him as one of my own in a weird way, as have been there pretty much since he was born. My sister is being hugely supportive, parents have just said they are there whenever I need them, but sister is being my crutch here mainly. She has eve said we could stay there, though she really does not have the space and it would most likely become such a pain in the arse for her, even short term, but shes adamant.

During the week will obviously talk t my parents a bit more about ongoing plans. Its hard, as am kind of being watched at the min so can send off message inbetween monitoring but cant talk..my mam rang the other night and I had to mkind of tell her in code without saying anything to NOT talk about anything I had sent her a message about. Which she did click onto after a few mins but was quite hard to get it across without saying anything!

odd message, not off*

The pleurisy thing too, just thinking back over time and while the pain is definitely mainly in the one area, just basically down one 'strip' (maybe 2cm or so wide) of ribs, it does sometimes start with, or include a weird stabbing pain in my shoulder area..which actually feels a lot like when I had an ectopic pregnancy..that hurt my shoulder a lot while nowhere else which I always found so odd.

The shoulder pain could be referred pain from the chest/ribs area. I have pain in both those areas, but also pain pretty much everywhere else so very different pain pattern.

If you don't get a chance to talk in person or at least on phone without him around could you text or use fb messenger to tell your parents what's going on? If you need to take your sister up on it do. I know id rather have my brother here safely with me if he needed that, no matter any inconvenience.

A few things stand out for me, I can't speak as to the pain, but I suffer from mental illnesses (anxiety) My partner actively encourages me to go out and do stuff, even though I hate him for it. He is doing it because he wants me to get better, so while you partner doing everything for you looks good on the surface, its not deep down

The other thing that struck me was this comment

Went through a period a couple of years back, where I would wake up with him groping me, once actually trying to shag me. I told him in no uncertain terms that it creeped the fuck out of me. He said previous partners have been ok with it and I said thats fine..I know some women who do like that but I really really don't.

I don't know a single woman who would be comfortable with this happening, I would go as far as to say unless agreed in advanced this is rape. You have not consented to this, you can't consent unless you are awake

Keep mil's feelings aside op.. Sounds like she is worrying if you split she will end up with him living back with her...
Put yourself first.

As you should...