In fucking bits, doubting myself and cannot rationalise at all

[HeadIsFucked]

Namechanged for this, not even sure why really as strangers on the internet potentially judging me shouldn't bother me at all..but here we are.

I made a post 3 years back on the same kind of thing too and have spent the past hour reading it and the responses as it was definitely 'the worst time' and I was talking to a friend about the situation and thought it might be best to find it to explain. Its long though, very very long but might give some context. I am also slightly overwhelmed (and crying) after rereading the replies, as I have never before seen such a unanimous answer. But I STILL keep telling myself its only once or twice a year and everything is fine all other times! I fucking know this is wrong so this thread is maybe unneeded. I know its wrong, but seem to have cognitive dissonance as I am going from 'fuck this' one minute to..but its rare and just annoying. ( www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2838715-Advice-needed-heads-totally-fucked?msgid=66569401 )

So, I was invited to my mums for new years eve. I was going to take the kids, mainly because my sister hasnt seen them in ages, but they always enjoy it too and honestly, I figured leaving them at home would result in 'DS is deathly ill, you need to come home'(when he coughed once) or something. However, DH spent 3 days working on the kids, promising them random shit, ice cream, more chocolate than they would get at grandmas, movie night, and so on. Both decided to stay with him. I think he thought that if they stayed here, I would to. But I didn't go last year due to really bad pain issues..and really wanted to go! So I stuck to it. When my dad came to pick me up, I got 'so I am being left with the kids ON MY OWN?!' even though he purposely made it that way as my plan was to take them!

I left my phone on purpose as previously I have had nonestop whinging about me going to my parents house if I am staying there overnight, it seems ok if its for a few hours but overnight always causes issues. I almost convinced myself to abscond for the entire weekend as I knew a shitstorm would be awaiting me when I got back.

Anyway, had a great time, got back to whinging of course. 'I have been made a total mug of again, just like always'?! The last time I went there was 2 years ago. I could kind of understand it if I was out every weekend or something, but no.

Been really off with me since, though I didn't get quite as much shit as expected but I didn't answer him at all really, just 'ok, whatever' replies as really did not have the energy to deal with it.

But despite there being minimal whinging, I cannot stop thinking about it all. Which led to me talking to my friend and hunting down that thread from 3 years back then ending up in bits (I actually had to move off computer and come to my room as was crying so much) at it all. I was so fucking clear at that stage that I did want to go. I actually messaged my dad, but I did it from a secret facebook account (well I call it that, it was actualy made specifically to play on some games that I had an accunt on but wanted to keep playing!..which is rather pathetic!) so my message went straight to his spam which I didnt find out for a month or so. I didn't know this for ages, and assumed he just got sick of the drama and ignored it. Which fucked my head even more! Long stry short,. I convinced myself that it really wasnt that bad as it was so rare and its all fine other times. So a bit whinging on twice a year at most if fine. I keep thinking that even now, 3 years on with the few times I have gone out the same thing happening, to various degrees.

One thing thats massively playing on my mind though, is befre I left I knew there would be shit, and asked my 16 year old stepdaughter to keep an eye on things just incase. Not for violence, but because I could see him being nasty with my son potentially and sending him to bed early or something because I went out. I think this because one of the times I went out, he was put to bed early. I was told he was being really really naughty mind, and he might have been, but the timing always seemed odd to me. I know this makes it all even more messed up too. But genuinely don't trust my own thoughts right now, at all.

The main thing I have to focus on here though, is I am very ill. I absolutely could not deal with the kids alone. He does most of everything for them. I know its easy to say 'but you can get help' but the level of help..would be quite impossible. I also take the view that maybe my situation is making my pain condition worse than it might be if everything was different, but doubt it as this really is a rare thing, but it happens everytime and shows no sign of ending now.

Sorry if this is huge. Last attempt was so essay like that many said they couldn't read it all! But worried about dripfeeding as that seems to annoy people!

OP, can you go to another doctor about your pain? This seems to be the blocker here. Debilitating pain in the same place for years and years and then getting told you need to come off pain killers seems a bit useless to me. Have you had a scan? An op?

Have had many scans. They thought it was my gallbladder causing it, so took it out but the operation went wrong which resulted in 2 weeks in hospital and extra pain ontop of the usual, nerve damage in my chest/stomach area..but thats not as bad as the original pain, I could deal if the stabbing pain left. Have seen loads of doctors too, though same surgery. They have all been awkward about meds, so much so that I was managing on codeine and multiple trips per month to A+E until I got to see my pain clinic consultant, who reccomended what I am on now. He actually reccomended a higher dose than current too, but GP says shes not willing to do it as 'dangerous' though you would think pain clinic guy knows his stuff when it comes to meds?

The pain is 100% the issue. Without this problem, this is a no brainier for me really. Which makes me even more fucked off with everything.

Currently am trying to work out logistics of how it would work. While acting like everything is fine and normal, which again makes me feel really really guilty.

There is a lot of evidence to say that pain meds don't work long term and the side effects of long term use can be serious. Your GP sounds like she is following best practice guidelines to reduce them, but in our area you would be referred for support (talking therapies) whilst you are reducing them.
Is there a psychologist involved in your care at the pain management clinic?
I know that you are in a difficult place right now but I cant help feeling sorry for your DC, who are living in the middle of your dysfunctional relationship with your DH. I have been that DC and it really does leave scars.
I wish my DMum had found the strength to leave my DH when we were small. Whatever you decide, please don't leave it another 3 years before you act.

To leave her DH.

Have decided, just trying to work everything out. HOW exactly to go about it and logistics..have worked out income and could potentially pay a cleaner or a friend to help with the house if I cut back in a few areas. Looking into if taxis still have the escort service they used to do (seems rare now, used to work for a taxi company and was common then) to help with school runs though that would be a large chunk. I could get help ontop of this from family.

My main issue at the min, is how the fuck to do this without causing war. As I have a horrible sinking feeling this will drag on and on, even if he will leave, I think it will go on..

Painmed wise, it was never an intention for me to be on this dose long term (if it could be avoided). It was put at this level so I could deal with life in general and stop going to a+e so much. AND because I was meant to be getting physio however, I could not attempt the physio without better control of the pain, so kind of a catch 22. I have yet to get my appointment again. As I was dropped from the physio I was on and was told to be re referred when other stuff was more stable so I was able to participate properly. Rereferral 2 years ago now. Had appointment for March which was cancelled, and nothing since. Contacting them they say they expect about a year or so. GP says if not in 6 months, will start reducing. Which will have me back at square one really. I get where she is coming from. But I genuinely don't want t be on the meds at all, would obviously prefer to be able to deal without them. Whats going to happen here IMO is reduce, then physio app will come, and it will be back to the same thing again

Sorry yeah, was having talking therapy, though one on one as group stuff was decided to not be good for me. Not spoke to her for ages now, though have asked for phone appointments. Will maybe be able to see her again if reducing, but really cannot see what talking can do for me at this stage given its not worked so far and all the 'think your way out of pain' stuff has been totally unsuccessful and seems really odd to suggest to me really! Last time I saw her actually, I left her office in an ambulance, on gas and air, to be given morphine at hospital. She seemed shocked, at the sheer levels of pain I was in, and how quickly it came on (do sometimes get breaks where its lesser..) and how nothing at all could make it lesser, though I had been saying that for a LONG time.

Have also previously has a nerve block. Which was touted to me as a magical cure all for a year leading up to it. Then when it made no difference, I got told it was a diagnostic tool and they never expected it to help me, it was to rule certain things out Don't get me wrong have had some amazing care over the years, but some seems questionable. Thats a bit offtopic at this stage though as me whinging about whats gone wrong health wise makes no difference to the current situation really.

This type of behaviour is common! And it is wrong! Doesn't matter which way you look at it. I'm in a very similar situation with my OH .. stuck due to fiance and I have 2 LOs and its hard to make the decision to leave it really is. I've tried. But if you can do it and get away and never look back it will be the best thing for you and your children. if there is an atmosphere in the house it will everyone who's living theres mental health. I hope you can get out of it as it just seems so toxic. And everything is to his advantage, his way or no way.

Do not doubt yourself!!! Mothers know best! And if you feel off about a situation where it involves your children... trust your gut!!

You got this momma! Xxx

Thanks.

Still feeling endlessly guilty, but still set on what needs to happen now, though its also making me feel a bit sad aswell as guilty? Its odd, as I dont usually feel guilt at all, even when I have done some pretty bad things when much younger, the emotions of the past few days have been a real new experience for me tbh.

I just feel so sly. Almost like I am sneaking about planning awful things. I am being watched quite closely. My mum rang last night and he followed me Around the house while I was talking, which is unusual as usually he will purosely disappear and shut the door and I will end up hovering/sitting on the stairs or something! Also had a LOT of 'who yu talking to' and such yesterday which is odd again, tend to get some time when on computer..so despite acting normal, he is clearly aware something is up..

My main issue at the minute is basically, how to actually do it. How to bring this up, would it be 'safe' to do so? I was thinking yesterday about potentially seeing if his dad would help in sme way, but then I feel...I am a grown woman, I shouldn't need a bloke there? I don't know, again still a bit messed up there. Also feel his dad will take against me, even if he says he won't. Hes not been impressed with previous attempts at this, said I was being silly and needed to just get 'back to normal' and stuff like that. I now accept I will struggle like fuck, at least at first, I am genuinely hoping that my physical issues let up somewhat and it turns out it was made worse by the situation, as if not, thats scary to think about. But main stumbling block is how the fuck to actually do it..

Despite being quite clear in head now, I still dont agree with stuff like 'its all to his advantage'..I know you are probably right and people who don't have any stake in it are the most unbiased commenters in general..but I STILL see it as maybe me being a shit as he does so much in general. I don't see how its to his advantage to do near all the cleaning for example, though thinking about this, I would be doing more if there wasnt a bit of..encouraging not to. For example when I have the pain thats not so intense I will start cleaning up, or sorting the kitchen or something and will basically be told to just chilll, have a cuppa 'I was going to do that in a minute'..(whatever it is, even just wiping the bloody bench) so the few things I could manage, I am actively encouraged not to do, and when mixed with feelig so wiped most of the time, I then tend to feel grateful for that also.

Keeping you helpless and dependent is the benefit he gets from doing this stuff.

• You feel like you should be grateful so should tolerate his poor behaviour in exchange,
• you feel incapable as he'll jump in to take over as if you can't manage (my ex used to do this and also hover around me while I was doing something to swoop in or "advise" me, it undercut my self-confidence).
• he gets the ego stroke of being needed and of other people saying how marvellous he is
• it's "white knighting". The rescuer doesn't actually want their rescuee to get better, because what would their role be then?

So practically, doing lots of housework etc is a pain, but the payoff is worth it to him.

- he gets the ego stroke of being needed and of other people saying how marvellous he is
To expand, this means you get lots of additional social pressure to stay with this "amazing" man.

That does make sense. I always found it odd in the back of my mind, how little he wanted me to do anything, even when I could do it. And how against the idea of getting help with it all he was also. I have many times suggested that we pay a cleaner for a few hours or so to help out, or even get a 'proper clean' once a month or so so he has less to do. ALWAYS without fail, he has rubbished this and said he would not trust a cleaner We are not loaded by any stretch (and when I fist mentioned it we would maybe have struggled a bit to pay, but in a better position now. WOuld have understod if money was the concern, then), but cutting back on various random spending could make this a very feasible option and I did think a lot..if it was me, and we could afford it, I would be encouraging that for sure if it made everything a bit easier?!

Also the advice thing, very familiar. Despite living in my own place from being 16, I dont know how to do much 'right' Or theres a way he always does it that am fucking up, or 'just let me take over, am better' and so on :S

@HeadIsFucked how is your sleep? I have chronic pain, going on 20 years now. Due to my body reacting badly I can't take conventional painkillers or nerve pain treatments. What's kept me functioning in hideous amounts of pain has been the use of various sedating antihistamines and sedating antidepressants so that I sleep. If you're not sleeping much it could be worth seeing your GP for treatment. Better sleep equals less pain for most of the people I know with Chronic pain. Sorry if you've been there and tried that.

I understand the fear of seperating with kids when you have a servely disabling illness. It's one of the things that's kept me from leaving. I had a health scare 2 years ago that doctors thought was the start of a progressive life limiting illness and second thought after the kids was I'll need to leave if I've got that. I know DH would take it out on me and the kids if he had to be my carer.

Sleep is fucked. Have tried all sorts. Was on heavy sedatives at one stage but the strength I needed to 'sleep through the pain' was making me a total zmbie at all times. Pregablin helped a LOT with sleep but they made me sleepwalk, and really weirdly, like actually getting up and doing stuff rather than just wandering which in turn would make pain worse on mornings, but also scared me incase I did something..dangerous in one way or another.

Have you had your boiler checked recently? Read a story about a woman who was home all day being poisoned slowly(over 25 years!) by her wrongly fitted heating system... Have you had bloods done? Could he be putting something in your food to make you ill? He sounds bloody capable imo...

Off topic slightly but have you been tried on Buprenorphine Patches OP? They've been life changing for me

Last boiler check was a few months back, all fine. Its new as of last year too. Have had many many bloods done. Only thing they show over and over is inflammation, which is unhelpful really as obviously they cannot tell where, scans show nothing wrong besides a shadow on my liver which apparently is 'not a worry, probably a fatty lump' (!). Not sure why they scaned there if not willing to follow up on anything weird looking though. Also am aneamic, was on iron but did not mix well with pain meds and pain meds benefitted more. Also b12, I think? Is very down. I had some injection (they had to order it from germany, from memory as dont get it here, whatever it was) a while back about that and then heard nothing else and get 'its fine' now which I am not sure about as was told I would probably be deficient in that for life, and that it has potential to cause pain? Not sure, not sciency or anything so go on what they say really.

Not had those patches no. Been told this is end of the line for pain meds now (have only really tried different opiates, and pregablin though). On these, and nothing more will be offered, even these are in peril! Genuinely would love to go private to get a bit more attention, but the cost, especially with everything am on, would be extortionate from what I have looked up.

You can be prescribed 4 day patches or 7 day patches and they work like Nicotine patches. No tablets to take! You don't feel drowsy or high you feel absolutely zero from it, it just removes pain.
Buprenorphine is also prescribed to Opiod Addicts to help them come off it, as it's 100 x the strength of Morphine. They start at 5mg I think but they can be increased in strength until you find your right strength

If you haven't already tried it, please PLEASE mention them to your Doc. Truly life changing!!

I have no idea why I have not even heard of this, sounds perfect for me. Also less potential for abuse in patches so should really be given more often tham morphine and such? I mean, at one stage I was on a 300ml bottle of 5ml/10mg oramorph a week. I could manage very well then, as that was amazing stuff and could take it as required, minutes before having to do anything.. but obviously dangerous in such doses. Then, they said they needed to lower my opiate levels, but put me on another opiate, which apparently 'works out' 200mgs a day morphine equivalant. So to lower me from 600mg of morphine per week, I was put onto tablets which are actually working out to be 1400mg a week and is much less effective overall.

Mind apparently the issue there was current meds are time release, where they hate giving instant release meds now as the abuse potential is off the scale, same for addiction.

I wonder, if when 'reducing' they would consider this, if its used in opid addiction. Would be a good time to try bringing it up. I dont like mentioning random drugs I hear about though as..they might write me off as drug seeking at some stage!

There's quite a few other non opiate medications used for pain treatment. Amitriptyline a tricyclic antidepressant that is used in low dose to treat chronic pain, high for depression/anxiety, its sedating do can help sleep. Gabapentine (same class as pregabalin) some people find it suits better. There's a couple of newer type antidepressants duloxetine and venlafaxine used for treatment of chronic pain. Theres also NSAIDs, non steroid anti inflammatories. I would have expected anti-inflammatories to be offered if they found inflammation. And ifs ongoing inflammation I'm surprised no rheumatologist referral.

My doctor offered patches, though they're a different type here, but we concluded their was no point given my reactions to various short term opiod use. There's also Palexia which is a slightly different class of painkiller used a lot in chronic pain. I don't know about the UK, but all these have been prescribed by the different GPS I've had over the last 20 years. Low b12 and low D can effect pain. Can get supplements for both. Iron I get injections or intravenously as my body cant tolerate any iron supplement going through my digestive system. There's a lot more options than what you've been offered.

Sorry for the essay. There's other treatments too, those are the more common ones.

Both our 'D' H have very harmful ways of behaving in regards to our chronic pain. 'D:H is at the other end of the spectrum and has spent years pushing and guilting me to do more, which has made me sicker and not GAF what it costs me. Refusing to do things without me then being angry when I'm too sick to do all the things he wants.

Palexia is what I am on now. 400mg per day. Pain clinic wanted this at 500, GP wants it at 100 or none.

Gabapentin I tried but was not effective, but pregablin was used instead of that, which worked on the nerve pain but not the original pain, but made me sleepwalk too. I was on a 'different make' of pregablin at one stage that did not make me sleepwalk, but that kind is no longer made..which is great! Sleep was much better on that also.

Naproxen is an nsaid I think, was on that for ages before they decided that was dangerous and sent me for a camera down my throat as apparently they can cause ulcers?

Also tried something called acupan, which was quite effective, but then it stopped being made/licensed (one of them) here so that was a no.

Amitryptaline I used to use for sleep..but cannot be taken with palexia. They were worried that 50mg doses weren't touching me though as apparently most respond to very low doses of that when taken to help with sleep. Duloxetine have tried also. That made me feel a bit like I was on speed, but helped nothing beyond that.

Only things that have been effective enough to let me have some semblance of normalcy really was oxycodone liquid, and oramorph. But I understand why they don't want to give those out. They apparently find it odd that I respond to oramorph/oxy, but not really the controlled release tablets. But from how I understand they work, it makes a lot of sense to me that it would be that way. When they moved me from oxy liquid, I was on 20mgs of that 4x a day. They changed this to 2 10mg slow release tablets per day, then refused to up the dose of the tablets. And said I was just flat out wrong when I said that surely, if on 80mg per day of instant release, going down 20 20mg per day is going to make things worse they swore it was 'the same dose just different meds' which I am quite sure is false. But no point saying anything anymore. I really need to gather a bunch of cash somehow and try some private appointments I think, as there seems to be not much interest in finding the problem..but now theres no interest in treating the pain either. People keep saying its likely to be something so easy to fix. That would be great, but if it turned out to be something quite simple that could have been 'fixed' 6 years back, it will also really annoy me at the same time..though any 'cure'..or even long term lessening of it, would be much welcome at this stage!

The physio they are optimistic about apparently. I was too. But if my lifeline is removed before I get the appointment, then I know I am going to be unable to help myself that way to, like last time, and they will basically say they can't really do anything until pain levels are a bit more reasonable.

I feel bad at times for complaining about it, as have had some amazing care over the years (especially some of the nurses after my surgery when I was stuck for 2 weeks not able to even try to wash myself and stuff..fantastic people), but some of it really seems quite shitty, and outright lies at times too which is not good..

I know people on all sorts of different medications with short and long acting forms that can only do one or the other. Chronic pain is one of those things some doctors can be very dismissive of. Unfortunately medical staff ignoring your lived experience is a common them amongst friends with chronic conditions.
I've given up hoping. I'll survive because I have too. I'm too worried DH would mess up our kids if I wasn't here.

Did the naproxen help? If it did you could ask about a cox2 inhibitor like Celebrex instead. Naproxen made my stomach bleed, even ibuprofen does but no problem tolerating Celebrex. Amitriptyline I need a very high dose to sleep, 125mg but that's not the max dose. Low dose is for nerve pain, does nothing for me, high dose makes me sleep. It makes me so drowsy I can sleep even when I want to just curl up in a ball and cry from the pain. Which is pretty much most of the time now. Theres also palmitoylethanolamide, it's a natural product with some promising early trials, you get it made up in chemist's here. And low dose naltrexone.

Sorry for turning this away from your OP. No useful ideas there. Only possible 'help' I can think of. I hope some of PPs suggestions help you find a way forward and a way to leave this relationship.