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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU to be delighted at this?

100 replies

Overland · 02/01/2021 14:58

Didn't want to post in AIBU as I don't feel this warrants the traffic.

My ex has downgraded! After treating me appallingly for quite some time and giving him chance after chance to step up, I finally backed out.

It now seems he has quickly found himself a rebound. Someone who seems utterly desperate, not at all his type and is obviously fully unaware of his bullshit. I won't say anything further as it could be outing.

He's since been sniffing around because, I suspect, he's missing what he had with me and realises replacing me isn't as easy as he thought.

Hasta la Vista, arsehole!

OP posts:

iMatter · 02/01/2021 15:48

But you fell for it

Does that make you desperate?

You probably need to work on getting over him rather than doing a character assassination of his new partner.

notinthiseconomy · 02/01/2021 15:49

Maybe I'm missing something here, but I can't see the relevance between his treatment of you, and you starting a thread just to be horrible about this woman.

Are you jealous? You sound jealous. Move on and grow up.

Original poster

Overland · 02/01/2021 15:58

Admittedly, I am feeling resentful. He took the piss. I was a fool to stick around. I am aware that I need to work on moving forward.

FWIW I wasn't desperate. I had been single for several years, through choice, before ex. Shortly before things came tumbling down, I fell deeply in love with him. That's what hurts most.

I have explained upthread my reasons for not expanding on why I think his new gf is desperate. I am delighted that things will likely not work out with his new gf. I dont wish him any happiness after being subjected to abuse. No apologies.

OP posts:

TammyHullfigure · 02/01/2021 15:58

He's since been sniffing around

What on earth does this mean? are you all dogs?

Just block and move on.

Nymeriastark1 · 02/01/2021 16:00

@overland why is she desperate? Specifically what makes her seem desperate to you?

StephenBelafonte · 02/01/2021 16:01

Have you heard the expression feeling bitter is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die?

Nymeriastark1 · 02/01/2021 16:01

X post

Windmillwhirl · 02/01/2021 16:03

How do you know they wont work out? What you mean is you hope they don't because you want him to be as miserable as you are over what has happened. Living and feeling like this will hurt you way more than it will hurt him

IndecentFeminist · 02/01/2021 16:04

Hmmmm. She must be desperate for going out with the same person you once did? And that means he has 'downgraded'?

Interesting logic you've got going on there.

Loner1 · 02/01/2021 16:05

This has made me so sad. My ex left me for another woman who put me down constantly in the beginning when he was having doubts about being with her, saying that I was unattractive, she was an upgrade, the fact he was considering me made her feel uglier than she ever had in her life etc on social media. I stopped eating properly for months, wear heavy makeup every single day now because I hate my appearance and I still regularly think about her comments now 6 months later . I never felt this way before but I spent months comparing myself to her (still do occasionally) even after their relationship flopped within a matter of weeks.
I do understand that it has made you feel a little better thinking these things but direct your feelings of anger and disgust towards him and not her. I hope these feelings help you find a little strength to move on though.

Blackdog19 · 02/01/2021 16:06

This post does you no favours. Fair enough to say your ex is a cocklodger and you’re better off without him but you sound really bitchy about the new GF.

Cleverpolly3 · 02/01/2021 16:06

Regardless of what he subjected you to, that is no basis for you to term another woman as a downgrade. Even if she was the reason he left you.

Have some self respect and think about how your words and behaviour show people something about you that’s unappealing

Original poster

Overland · 02/01/2021 16:09

@StephenBelafonte Yes, I am aware of that expression. I do feel resentful. You are right, I do need to move on.

OP posts:

AriesTheRam · 02/01/2021 16:09

This is the sort of thing you could get away with gossiping to your friends op.Youre brave putting this post on here when the woman hasn't done anything wrong other than having the same taste in man as you.

BornIn78 · 02/01/2021 16:09

Maybe he’s back sniffing around you because the “downgrade’s” boundaries are firmer than yours - he realises he won’t get away with half of the stuff with her that he knows he got away with when he’s with you.

Wanderlusto · 02/01/2021 16:13

The thing is op, narcissists are never happy. She could be fantastic and he would still want someone else just because he doesnt currently have one. It isn't a compliment to you if he is still sniffing about you (nor dies it mean she isn't 'good enough'). If anything it means he still thinks you are a fool who will fall for his shit.

It's sad op but I rather think he has won. Because you still seem to be playing his game if 'probe you're the best woman'. Sad.

Staffy1 · 02/01/2021 16:13

@Loner1

. I never felt this way before but I spent months comparing myself to her (still do occasionally) even after their relationship flopped within a matter of weeks. I do understand that it has made you feel a little better thinking these things but direct your feelings of anger and disgust towards him and not her. I hope these feelings help you find a little strength to move on though.

She sounds awful! Please don't compare yourself unfavourably to such an obviously unpleasant and very ugly (inside, no idea about outside) person.

Wanderlusto · 02/01/2021 16:13

*prove you're

Original poster

Overland · 02/01/2021 16:15

@BornIn78 That could be why. I won't discount that as a reason.

OP posts:

Original poster

Overland · 02/01/2021 16:18

@Staffy1 Reading that has made me cry. I'm so sorry you were put through this. Makes me even more certain to stay single.

OP posts:

Original poster

Overland · 02/01/2021 16:19

@Wanderlusto You are probably right. That's exactly how he operates. I suspect his 'sniffing around', as I termed it, is in fact him hoovering.

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/01/2021 16:20

YABU for calling his new gf a 'downgrade'. Not nice. Your issues with him are entirely separate.

Wanderlusto · 02/01/2021 16:21

Absolutely him hoovering. Might not even be to try get you back. He may just want to feel like he could have you, if he wanted.

Divebar · 02/01/2021 16:23

People are generally on their best best behaviour at the start of a relationship so there’s no reason to think she would know about his real character any more than you
did when you got involved with him. I suspect that this is actually about physical appearance or class / wealth and you actually think she’s less attractive than you or less successful than you in some way.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 02/01/2021 16:23

I feel sorry for any woman my ex manages to trick into thinking he's awesome or that he will make any kind of decent partner/father.

It's irrelevant if they are /were better or worse than me because he gave them all the same shit treatment, even the ones he married or had kids with.

And yeah he tried it on too while his wife (the one he left me for) was at home with their baby. Poor poor woman.

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