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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it an issue that I didn’t tell him?

74 replies

HNY2021 · 02/01/2021 08:14

Before Christmas I took a half day off work (WFH) the plan was to have some time to myself (very much lacking in 2020 due to lockdown and homeschool and OH being a key worker).

When OH returned from work he was upset that I had been deceitful and not told him about it. But it didn’t impact him in anyway so I didn’t feel it was something I had to tell him.

He didn’t have an issue with me having the time to myself, just that I didn’t tell him.

OP posts:
SonEtLumiere · 02/01/2021 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KosherSalt · 02/01/2021 08:19

I would have told him that the whole point was no one, including him, knowing where I was for a few hours, and that he might want to grow up and recalibrate his idea of ‘deceitful’.

category12 · 02/01/2021 08:22

Seems a fuss over nothing.

Did you lie or just not mention it?
Did you set out to deceive? It wouldn't have occurred to me that it was anything I needed to tell a partner tbh.

Does he own your leisure time?

chocobaby · 02/01/2021 08:23

Deceitful is a strong word. But personally I’d have said something and put in a caveat that that time off was to be spent on myself and my own personal needs- so no errands. It’s only a half day anyway!

jessstan1 · 02/01/2021 08:24

I don't see why he is hurt, you don't have to tell him everything.

SuperHighway · 02/01/2021 08:26

Are you generally expected to account for your whereabouts every moment of the day? As it didn't impact him why is he bothered? I'm semi retired, DH isn't, and he rarely knows where I am or what I'm doing.

Branleuse · 02/01/2021 08:27

Hes overreacting.

GenerallyCoping · 02/01/2021 08:27

I’ve done this before. I didn’t tell anyone either before or after...

Sometimes you just have to take what you need without the risk of someone ‘joining’ you or giving you a few things they need doing: ‘Oh could you pick this up for me from the shops if you’re off?’ or ‘Great. I have a parcel arriving...could you wait in?’ or ‘Great. Let’s get the plumber out to repair our tap’.

To avoid all that I tell no-one.

Next time take the whole day...have your hair done, go for a coffee, watch day time television...tell no-one.

Branleuse · 02/01/2021 08:28

Just say ok, ill tell you next time, but stop overreacting

wowfudge · 02/01/2021 08:30

Your OH is a keyworker. Do you normally plan who has time off when in order to cover childcare in school holidays? Maybe as a keyworker he would have liked some time off for himself.

category12 · 02/01/2021 08:31

@Branleuse

Just say ok, ill tell you next time, but stop overreacting
But why is it any of his business?

It's a half day. Why does he need informing?

ivfbeenbusy · 02/01/2021 08:32

Yes I'd be annoyed if DH took annual leave and didn't tell me

hopeishere · 02/01/2021 08:35

I'd not be annoyed. I sometimes do this if I've loads of chores I need to do. I like being on my own.

I've no idea how much AL DH even gets!

Original poster
HNY2021 · 02/01/2021 08:35

I’m glad I’m not alone in thinking it was a completely reasonable thing of me to do and that he didn’t know. I didn’t lie I just didn’t tell him and I was at home same as I would be if I was working, just not working.

@wowfudge he doesn’t cover any childcare when I’m at work and he’s off work, his time is his own.

OP posts:
DerelictWreck · 02/01/2021 08:36

I can see why he's annoyed. Surely when you have kids annual leave becomes a family resource you discuss?

It's not the taking leave that's the issue it's the hiding it. I struggle to believe you'd be ok with him doing this to you (or that mumsnetters would be actually).

AyrshireAmbler49 · 02/01/2021 08:36

I don’t think it was deceitful unless he said “have a great day at work” before leaving and you played along with it. Maybe as a key worker her felt a bit jealous and it came out as anger?
Me and DH have a day off to ourselves each week. I give him a lie-in on a Saturday and deal with DD from then until 3pm and he does the same for me on Sundays. In this ring fenced time we never ask each other to just pick up some milk from town or carry out any household jobs or admin.
It really works for us just having some time blocked out for solitude, reading whatever we want to do.
Maybe you could come up with a similar arrangement with your DH?

chatwoo · 02/01/2021 08:40

If you just relaxed at home, I don't see the big deal. It's a bit odd for you to have not casually mentioned it, but can't see why a fuss either way.

GarlicSoup · 02/01/2021 08:45

‘Deceitful’ ? Bloody hell tell him to give his head a wobble. Complete overreaction and controlling.

baileys6904 · 02/01/2021 12:44

If this was a man posting, it would be a completely different response.
In fact, sometimes I think women only post here to validate their actions with the resident man haters.
And if it were a women posting her husband had done it, they'd be told he's shagging someone else, he was meeting the OW and told to leave.

Pure decency says you should have told him. Whether or not his reaction is justified probably depends on how much you've done something similar in the past

category12 · 02/01/2021 13:13

Pure decency? I don't really understand why taking a half-day off is something a partner needs to be informed of?

It's not like she was taking a week off and it would affect her ability to go on a family holiday or something, so why is it something that needs announcement?

Shoxfordian · 02/01/2021 13:26

I would have mentioned it to my husband just because we talk to each other about things, seems weird to not have told him

baileys6904 · 02/01/2021 13:27

In case of emergency? Just out of courtesy? As I say, if it was a bloke, he'd be accused of all sorts

category12 · 02/01/2021 13:30

She WFH - and on her half-day off she stayed home. What emergency could have made a difference? It's not like she wasn't where he thought she was.

AlternativePerspective · 02/01/2021 13:31

Not mentioning it is a bit odd, and yes, does come across as a bit deceitful.

Imagine if he had e.g. called you at work and they’d told him you weren’t there because you had the afternoon off.

In this instance he found you at home, but he didn’t know you weren’t in work.

Imagine someone posting here that they had called their husband at work only to be told that he’d taken the day off. The response certainly wouldn’t be “he doesn’t owe it to you to tell you he’s got the day off.” The immediate response was that he had something to hide.

category12 · 02/01/2021 13:33

But she WFH! So if he called her at work, he'd be calling her at home Grin. And who calls the work number to get hold of their partner these days anyway?!