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Original poster

Is it an issue that I didn’t tell him?

74 replies

HNY2021 · 02/01/2021 08:14

Before Christmas I took a half day off work (WFH) the plan was to have some time to myself (very much lacking in 2020 due to lockdown and homeschool and OH being a key worker).

When OH returned from work he was upset that I had been deceitful and not told him about it. But it didn’t impact him in anyway so I didn’t feel it was something I had to tell him.

He didn’t have an issue with me having the time to myself, just that I didn’t tell him.

OP posts:

Wishimaywishimight · 02/01/2021 17:51

How can being asked about your time off be "draining"? Surely it's just conversation?

category12 · 02/01/2021 17:56

@Wishimaywishimight

How can being asked about your time off be "draining"? Surely it's just conversation?

Depends on context and the sort of relationship it is, doesn't it?

It's just conversation in a happy equal relationship. It comes with a lot of subtext in a less happy and equal one.

Jobsharenightmare · 02/01/2021 17:59

I think it depends on what happened the morning of your leave. If he said "what have you got on at work today?" And you lied by ommision that is deceitful to me. If he said "how was your day?" And you didn't reply "lovely I took the afternoon off in the end to relax" but again left it out I'd be upset too.

Pechanga · 02/01/2021 18:08

I recently discovered that my DH was doing this...taking 'me' days (or half day's leave) for his hobby and some time out for himself.

Never telling me about it, pretending he'd been at work.

And yet I was taking my day's leave here and there to take kids to the dentist / car for a service / paint the living room etc. and other family admin type jobs.

I'd whittled away my leave and was exhausted with no time for myself. I did feel it was deceitful, and incredibly selfish and finding out had a huge impact on our marriage (where I thought we were a team that looked out for each other)

It's not that we weren't both entitled to some time out from family and work once in a while - it was that he was taking it secretly and lying about it (proving that he knew it was unfair what he was doing but didn't care really)

A lot has changed between us and we are working on our marriage, but there are some things you can never take back and the scales have fallen from my eyes.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/01/2021 18:10

The WFH thing puts a slightly different slant on it but even then it just seems weird to me that you just don't communicate trivial things like that to each other in general daily chit chat. Me or DH would have said to each other the night before "Oh I'm really looking forward to my half day off tomorrow, I'm going to have a long bath, do some online shopping, watch Tin Star..." In fact we probably would have discussed it at some point before that when talking about leave allowances and how much DH had left and when he would be able to take it etc. (i'm term time only so no leave allowance as such so doesn't apply to me)

I guess it depends what you chat about though. I thought all couples would chat like me and DH about things like that. Occasionally DH will decide to take a last minute half day off in the afternoon if his leave is building up and he'll just mention it when I get home from work. I do think I would think it a bit odd if he had pre-planned it and just didn't mention it to me at all.

JurassicParkAha · 02/01/2021 18:15

Just wonder why you didn't just tell him? Did you really think he'd kick off? Do you know why he's so upset about it i.e why does he consider it deceitful?

Informing a partner of your plans isn't about asking for permission and of course you aren't expected to. It's just common courtesy if you're sharing a life together. But every couple is different - some live separate lives under the same roof, others share more. What MN thinks isn't relevant, it's what your partner thinks and discussing with him why he's so upset with it. Explaining your side and hearing his side and finding the compromise on what you share or don't.

I know colleagues who take days off work and go do hobbies without telling their wives. I've always found that odd, that they can't just share when they want alone time and instead avoid discussing it. Maybe your OH is upset that you couldn't let him know you were overwhelmed and needed time off?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/01/2021 18:25

When dp used to work (he left to do something else) he used to randomly take a half day and wouldn’t tell me till I got in from work or whenever he got home from doing whatever he wanted to do in that time, this never bothered me as long as he kept enough annual leave for our planned holiday. It was his annual leave he could take it when he liked, we also have dc

This doesn't sound right, @NotSoJollyChristmas, not if you have DC. Did you use YOUR annual leave to do the same, to have time off to do your own thing? Or was YOUR annual leave supposed to cover school holidays? If so, that doesn't seem very equal.

I must admit, I'm quite jealous hearing of all these people who can take annual leave when they like just to have some time to themselves. Being term time only is nice as you know you're always going to be off for a week or so every 6 weeks, but I do have to remind people who bang on about it that apart from the lower salary it has also meant that I NEVER have had a day totally to myself to do what I want in the house without the kids always being around. When I was off in the school holidays my mum used to mind my sister's kids while she worked so even if DH took the day off to allow me to go off out somewhere I could very rarely just go out with my mum for lunch or something so I do feel I missed out there. Going off out for the day with just DH barely happened either whereas my sister and her DH have been able to take annual leave together and go out for lunch etc while the kids were at school.

Anyway.....I digress....

NotSoJollyChristmas · 02/01/2021 19:18

@CurlyhairedAssassin I took annual leave like he did as our dc are in nursery so it wasn’t an issue for us to have some time to ourselves. We split childcare for when the nursery is off but it’s a private nursery so only shut at Christmas and bank holidays

Scarydinosaurs · 02/01/2021 19:21

How did you tell him? Was it the way that he found out that was the problem?

amillionwishes · 02/01/2021 19:26

God I took a MH day a few months ago and didn't tell my DP (he left for work before I was supposed to) until he got home. If he took AL and didn't tell me I wouldn't give a shit unless it was like 2 weeks...

Half a day is nothing! It's not "deceitful" however you want to dress it up. Sometimes we just need some time, and my time is not there to be discussed (unless, as I said, it impacts family time/holidays).

FinallyHere · 02/01/2021 19:50

Why is no one reacting to OP's addition

he doesn’t cover any childcare when I’m at work and he’s off work, his time is his own.

Doesn't sound like a very equal relationship to me. This changes the response, or should do IMO

category12 · 02/01/2021 19:54

Maybe your OH is upset that you couldn't let him know you were overwhelmed and needed time off?
Given OP thinks if she tells him beforehand he'll question her about what's she's doing and how she spends her time, I don't think that's the reason.

MissBridgetJones · 02/01/2021 20:21

I had a half day off in December. Im currently wfh. DP is not.

I didn't tell him because i needed an afternoon to myself. I didn't want to sit and feel guilty about not doing housework, sorting out the garden. Washing etc. I wanted to get in my pjs. Get I to bed and give myself a break after the shittiest of years.

When DP got home I told him, couldn't have been less bothered!!

Lollyneenah · 02/01/2021 20:30

What would he say if you replied "I'm going to buy myself some nice cupcakes and eat them in peace on the sofa whilst watching selling sunset" ?

I told my dp I was doing the above last week and he thought it was a great idea. We're both key workers if that makes a difference. Being a key worker doesn't mean you can be an arse.

Youre not unreasonable OP. You're not a house hold appliance, you're a person who needs 4 hours chill time.

Sundance2741 · 02/01/2021 20:57

I don't think this is about you taking the time off but something else about your marriage.

My DH works for himself. He sometimes takes time off to, for example, play tennis with a friend. It has no impact on me but he tells me, sometimes after the event. We don't keep things from each other but we don't check up on each other or question each other unnecessarily either. He does his fair share of childcare - if there is an appointment to take one to, we work out who is best placed to attend it.

JurassicParkAha · 02/01/2021 21:18

@category12 Yes, did see this from OP I’m sure I’ll have the ‘so what are you going to do/what have you done questions’ which drain me, I just want a few hours to myself.

I mean it shouldn't be draining to discuss what you're doing with your time with your partner. If he's giving you grief for it, then he needs to be told to back off - rather than you just withdrawing. If you just don't like talking to him in general then that's not healthy either. I can't imagine spending a lifetime with someone where discussing what I do in my spare time is so contentious, and loaded and needs to be hidden...sounds exhausting! And it's not normal or healthy in a relationship.

Pechanga · 02/01/2021 21:29

I don't think this is about you taking the time off but something else about your marriage

I agree with this....when I discovered DH had been doing this and it upset me so much it was just one of the many selfish, secretive things he was doing for himself...he was checking out of our marriage and wasn't sharing anything with me.

I'd have actually welcomed him taking some 'me time' during a very stressful period ....but he chose to hide it from me - he didn't care if I supported him or not.

It symbolised him living for himself and no longer being a team player. Reading people's reasonable responses on this post really show me how our marriage should have been and exactly why his secretive leave days hurt so much at the time.

Feelingchicken99 · 02/01/2021 22:19

50% of my holidays are taken with out talking to H about it I am too WFH I don’t go anywhere as DD is home but just to have a day of no work stress and no H anxiety is bliss, but I know I’ve already checked out emotionally, have you done the same OP?? If he knows I have time off he will text me or call during the day wanting to know what am doing! I do buy additional days holidays from work each year to cover any sickness or appointments, school needs for DD also, H has seen 1 sports day DD is year 5 won’t take the time off

Original poster

HNY2021 · 02/01/2021 22:59

I think I’ve had the full range of answers from it’s fine (me) to full on unacceptable (him)

It’s been a tough 2 years, I was hoping to get back to a bit more normally in 2020, which obviously has been anything but.

It’s everything that’s draining me and I know things get easier when the little one starts school so I’m keeping everything crossed that things will get better then.

I already have childcare in place for the older children (not his) so our child has just gone there too.

OP posts:

Original poster

HNY2021 · 02/01/2021 23:00

Oh and @MissBridgetJones I think you might actually be me! 😂

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 03/01/2021 11:42

Glad you have come back OP

Are you just resigned now to his making his free time his own while considering your free time at his disposal ?

VeganVeal · 03/01/2021 11:51

@baileys6904 I agree with you. There was a thread a while ago where the roles were reversed. Her OH got absolutely flamed for taking a day off without telling his wife. Her OH was the devil, either he should have been using his day to look after the kids or he was off shagging.
It really is double standards.

lilylongjohn · 03/01/2021 12:37

I do this often but I'll always tell my dh and he will activity encourage me to take the time off and have some 'me' time. I think it's more worrying if you felt you couldn't tell him without him either wanting to join you or being offended you wanted time on your own.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2021 12:40

It sounds like you didn’t tell him on purpose? That’s what you need to address. Why you didn’t tell him. Becayse you should be able to. And not feel any pressure.

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