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Original poster

Is it an issue that I didn’t tell him?

74 replies

HNY2021 · 02/01/2021 08:14

Before Christmas I took a half day off work (WFH) the plan was to have some time to myself (very much lacking in 2020 due to lockdown and homeschool and OH being a key worker).

When OH returned from work he was upset that I had been deceitful and not told him about it. But it didn’t impact him in anyway so I didn’t feel it was something I had to tell him.

He didn’t have an issue with me having the time to myself, just that I didn’t tell him.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 02/01/2021 13:33

My DM always used to do this as she got sick of all the errands we'd try to get her to do when she had a day off. It's a good idea.

Alexandernevermind · 02/01/2021 13:34

Storm in a teacup. Massive over reaction on his part. Making yourself unavailable for just 4 hours once a year sounds like bliss!

Nicolastuffedone · 02/01/2021 13:36

My friend used to do this. If she’d told her adult children they would have taken time off themselves and asked her to babysit! I do t see the problem 🤷‍♀️

ReggaePerrin · 02/01/2021 13:39

Did he use the word deceitful, OP?

FinallyHere · 02/01/2021 13:40

he doesn’t cover any childcare when I’m at work and he’s off work, his time is his own.

Why is this OP? Is he cross with you for taking time off because he "allows" you time to work but thinks you should use your holidays for "useful" things.

If so, this is sounding a bit serious.

Butterymuffin · 02/01/2021 13:42

So his time is his own but yours isn't?

yankeedoodledandee · 02/01/2021 13:56

It's indicative of lacking communication within your relationship, perhaps that's what's bothered him.

Original poster
HNY2021 · 02/01/2021 15:43

I didn’t tell him because like other’s have said I didn’t think it would make any difference to him. However I judged it wrong, which I often seam to do in situations which causes conflict and that’s not what I want. I don’t have the energy for it.

I’m going to try and have a half day again at the end of the month if the schools are back, I will tell him and see what his reaction is, but I’m sure I’ll have the ‘so what are you going to do/what have you done questions’ which drain me, I just want a few hours to myself.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 02/01/2021 15:47

It was deceitful to not mention you were taking time off work.
It’s what is called a lie by omission. You led him to believe you would be working.
There is nothing wrong with taking a half day off to be by yourself, but you should have done him the courtesy of letting him know.

ReggaePerrin · 02/01/2021 15:51

"However I judged it wrong, which I often seam to do in situations which causes conflict and that’s not what I want. I don’t have the energy for it."

It's not just the half day, is it? Is it life in general draining your energy or your relationship?

relievedlady · 02/01/2021 15:51

I'm just confused op as to why you wouldn't mention it.

When I've decided I want to spend my day off actually just doing things for me and no house stuff once I've got the kids to school il tell dh my plan and he will spend the day before doing things with me that mean I can have that time out. M
Likewise I do the same for him.

To be honest I would find it odd if dh didn't mention to me he had an afternoon off Aswell

VimFuego101 · 02/01/2021 15:54

I'd be annoyed if DH did this. As others have said, we need to plan our holiday allowance around school/ child care. However, if I said I was taking a day off because I wanted to be left alone as I was struggling and needed some peace and quiet, DH would understand. Would your husband have been OK with it if you'd said something similar? If not, maybe that's the problem.

NotSoJollyChristmas · 02/01/2021 16:03

When dp used to work (he left to do something else) he used to randomly take a half day and wouldn’t tell me till I got in from work or whenever he got home from doing whatever he wanted to do in that time, this never bothered me as long as he kept enough annual leave for our planned holiday. It was his annual leave he could take it when he liked, we also have dc

Annoymou5e · 02/01/2021 16:13

So annoying that people don’t read the OPs posts. As she said, she single handle deals with childcare so it doesn’t affect her partner whatsoever, she is currently WFH and took the half day to chill at home. It’s hardly like she disappeared elsewhere for half a day.

It’s shit you have to take leave from work to have a break at home from childcare. I have also done similar where I have taken AL to have a day to catch up on sleep however I’m a single parent.

QuantumJump · 02/01/2021 16:18

Personally I would have told my DH and I'm sure he'd have been fine with it. If your DH would not have been fine with it, I think that's the issue here. Not what you did but why. Unless you think you've misjudged his reaction?

Dontbeme · 02/01/2021 16:40

However I judged it wrong, which I often seam to do in situations which causes conflict and that’s not what I want. I don’t have the energy for it

What other areas of life is he saying that you get wrong OP? How often do you not discuss things that bother you to keep the peace? You come across as quite worn down by it all, has the lockdowns and mad year we all experienced brought everything to a head or is this reaction normal for him?

Chickenwing · 02/01/2021 16:43

It's crazy to me that people would be annoyed by this. I often use annual leave without telling my partner. I wouldn't use so much that we didnt have enough for a family holiday. Id feel ridiculous having to ask him or tell him, it's controlling.

IndecentFeminist · 02/01/2021 16:45

I can't imagine it not coming up in conversation tbh

FinallyHere · 02/01/2021 17:20

I think any issues pales into insignificance compared to the statement that

he doesn’t cover any childcare when I’m at work and he’s off work, his time is his own.

category12 · 02/01/2021 17:23

I'm going to try and have a half day again at the end of the month if the schools are back, I will tell him and see what his reaction is, but I’m sure I’ll have the ‘so what are you going to do/what have you done questions’ which drain me, I just want a few hours to myself.

Do you question him like this or give him things to do when he has time off? If the reason you didn't tell him is because you knew perfectly well he would make you account for what you were doing, then you absolutely should not tell him about the next one either.

mindutopia · 02/01/2021 17:24

I think that's quite an odd reaction. Everyone is entitled to time to themselves and you don't have to ask permission or inform anyone (other than your employer, of course). I would probably mention days off to dh, just because it would come up in conversation, but I wouldn't necessarily tell him or feel like I'd need to, unless it impacted childcare (for example, I was taking a day off and going away, and he would need to leave work earlier to pick up dc). He also regularly takes a half day to meet friends for lunch or another activity (obviously not in COVID times) and wouldn't necessarily mention it to me unless it came up in conversation (something his friend said at lunch that he wanted to tell me about). That seems fine and normal to me. He works hard, as do I, so we both need downtime.

JovialNickname · 02/01/2021 17:27

I don't think it was wrong as he obviously knew what had happened as soon as he got home! No deceit involved. I would only think it was wrong if you lied about it after the fact.

SandyY2K · 02/01/2021 17:37

This would be a non issue in my house.

AhNowTed · 02/01/2021 17:39

Complete and utter non-issue.

Wishimaywishimight · 02/01/2021 17:48

I find it really odd that it didn't come up in conversation and the fact that you didn't mention it does seem a bit deceitful. Of course you can take time off whenever you want but not simply mentioning "Oh I think I might take a morning off and do a bit of shopping" perhaps or the day before saying "I'm looking forward to my half day tomorrow" etc. Even on the day itself, if DH was heading out to work and said the usual "Have a good day" or whatever your usual morning conversation is, it would seem odd that you didn't mention it then.

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