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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

why does he resort to calling me names?

57 replies

cosmikdebris · 01/01/2021 19:21

'bitch' 'useless' and 'stupid little girl' are a favorite. our relationship is pretty good, we have a 6 month old, we are doing so well with her. hes taken a while to get into the swing of things but we are getting there. whenever hes mad at me, usually for something petty or completely pointless, he resorts to calling me horrible hurtful names and he just wont stop. he tends to bring up things ive done in the past, that i always thought we go over.
its destroying my confidence. whats the point in me trying for our relationship if he just doesnt have any respect for me at all?
we have a 6 year age gap, which makes me think that could be why? but its never been an issue before.

i dont really know what to do, talking and being nice does nothing.

OP posts:

Lemonpiano · 01/01/2021 19:23

That's not a pretty good relationship, it's an abusive one.

AnyFucker · 01/01/2021 19:23

our relationship is pretty good

It really isn't. He is abusive.

Thehop · 01/01/2021 19:24

He’s an abusive nasty bastard.

Bunchup · 01/01/2021 19:25

Because he hates you.

What you do with that knowledge is up to you.

User0ne · 01/01/2021 19:29

Abuse often starts after you become more invested in a relationship (eg just after marriage, during pregnancy or after a child).

Please speak to your family and friends about this and seek their support. Things are unlikely to improve

NovemberR · 01/01/2021 19:29

The first time a man spoke to me like that I would end the relationship, frankly.

Why on earth would you stay with someone who was abusive? My DH has never once, in more than 20 years, called me names.

Please get rid of him. It won't get better - it will only get worse.

soopedup · 01/01/2021 19:31

6 years isn’t a huge gap. It’s not that. He does it because it’s abuse and he can’t control himself. Mine does it too. I get crazy and psycho. It’s a constant “go to” with him. It’s ruined my confidence and made me check out of my relationship to be honest. I’d suggest you get out now. I wish I had when it first started happening which is when the baby was about 6 months old

EckhartLolly · 01/01/2021 19:32

The words that come out if a person's mouth tell you what is in their thoughts. He is abusive and has little, if any, respect for you. Just because he can sweet talk you most of the time does not mean you have a good relationship. It means he is nice to you so he can get what he wants. Whether he does it consciously or not. He's abusive.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 01/01/2021 19:32

our relationship is pretty good.

Not from where I'm sitting. He's abusive. You're going to feel worse and worse as time goes by - and he'll have all the power. Your confidence will be destroyed. I think this relationship is doomed. That's hard to hear when you've got a baby together but this really isn't how kind, decent men treat the woman they love.

Nomoresleeps · 01/01/2021 19:34

I don’t see what difference the age gap makes. He is just horrible.

Original poster

cosmikdebris · 01/01/2021 19:34

ive conidered it so manyy times but its been financially imposible for so long, and i wont be able to until i can work full time in a few years. im super stuck

OP posts:

PickAChew · 01/01/2021 19:36

He is a abusive asshole who has no respect for you. It's not a good relationship.

YoniAndGuy · 01/01/2021 19:38

Nope. Not a good relationship at all.

Gliblet · 01/01/2021 19:39

He's trying to knock your confidence down to rock bottom so you stop arguing with him or questioning anything he does or says. None of this is about you, it's about his need to put you in a place where you daren't stand up to him.

For a comparison, DH is 6 years older than me. We both found parenting challenging at first and it was a massive adjustment for our relationship. If he'd called me bitch, useless, or a stupid little anything - argument or no argument - he'd have had one opportunity to improve his behaviour and if he hadn't he'd have been out on his arse.

AnyFucker · 01/01/2021 19:40

im super stuck

This is why he does it. He thinks you are trapped. There is always a way out, if you want it enough.

Motnight · 01/01/2021 19:42

He's abusive, Op.

And I have to say it, you are not doing well with your baby, she is being bought up in a toxic environment.

funnylittlefloozie · 01/01/2021 19:42

Did he call you nasty names before you got pregnant?

SueDeNimm · 01/01/2021 19:42

'Talking and being nice doesn't help'. No shot Sherlock.

I wish women would stop believing in the myth of 'talking'. It's the biggest pile of shit ever. You introduce immediate consequences WITHOUT ANY DISCUSSION (he already knows what he's doing as you've discussed it). He will be angry and push back hard but you must keep going. Every fucking time. Get up and leave the house, leaving him with the kids, or don't cook it clean or do something that will have an impact on him. Eventually he will get it, and stop the name calling.

Or leave him. There isn't a third option called 'keep having heartfelt conversations and he will change' . That option is just a myth. Santa Claus is more real.

I would combine these two and walk out for a week or so telling him you need to take time to think about whether you want to be in this relationship. Do it several times snd he will get it. But he sounds like a nasty abusive man and I think he actually does hate and resent you to some degree. He certainly does not respect you. But then you are behaving in a weak and subservient manner so that's what happens.

Original poster

cosmikdebris · 01/01/2021 19:43

i cant magic up money, he works and any benefits go into his account. i have 2p in my account. ive never even had a problem with that as i have access to his card, but i cant just leave. i have no family or friends. this alongside a whole ass pandemic makes everything seem impossible

OP posts:

Original poster

cosmikdebris · 01/01/2021 19:46

i appreciate the honesty lol. im not acting weak and i always challenge him and say that it makes me want to leave. over anything i just want my daughter to have a dad in her life, because i didnt, and in all honesty my mother did a terrible job by herself

OP posts:

Roussette · 01/01/2021 19:46

'bitch' 'useless' and 'stupid little girl' are a favorite. our relationship is pretty good

No it isn't.

My DH of over 30 years has never once called me names like that. If he did, I wouldn't want to be married to him.

AnyFucker · 01/01/2021 19:47

You are also being abused financially. You have no access to family money. This is not ok.

AnyFucker · 01/01/2021 19:49

Having a dad that abuses her mother is a terrible situation for a child.

Your daughter is learning damaging lessons, just like you did.

It's not the absence of a father that damages kids it's the presence of abuse

Regularsizedrudy · 01/01/2021 19:53

He is financially and emotionally abusing you. It will only get worse I’m afraid. You need to think seriously about leaving.

Original poster

cosmikdebris · 01/01/2021 19:54

this made me realise a lot. thank you all

OP posts:

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