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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

why does he resort to calling me names?

57 replies

cosmikdebris · 01/01/2021 19:21

'bitch' 'useless' and 'stupid little girl' are a favorite. our relationship is pretty good, we have a 6 month old, we are doing so well with her. hes taken a while to get into the swing of things but we are getting there. whenever hes mad at me, usually for something petty or completely pointless, he resorts to calling me horrible hurtful names and he just wont stop. he tends to bring up things ive done in the past, that i always thought we go over.
its destroying my confidence. whats the point in me trying for our relationship if he just doesnt have any respect for me at all?
we have a 6 year age gap, which makes me think that could be why? but its never been an issue before.

i dont really know what to do, talking and being nice does nothing.

OP posts:
sheworkshardforthemoney · 01/01/2021 19:56
Thanks OP you are in an abusive relationship.

Clever men aren't like this all the time. They put up a facade and enjoy the times they get to belittle they get off on it. I'm sorry to say the more you 'take' the more he will push to get a reaction. And being 'stuck' means it will happen more and more often

I hope I'm wrong

Northernsoullover · 01/01/2021 19:56

He thinks you won't leave. If you left him you just start your own claim. Speak to Womens Aid and they can tell you how to do it.

sheworkshardforthemoney · 01/01/2021 19:58

@cosmikdebris

i appreciate the honesty lol. im not acting weak and i always challenge him and say that it makes me want to leave. over anything i just want my daughter to have a dad in her life, because i didnt, and in all honesty my mother did a terrible job by herself
Why the 'lol'?

You know what he's like it's not funny Thanks
This triggers a lot of people's memories and we want better for up OP

soopedup · 01/01/2021 20:08

Lack of money is why I didn’t leave the first time he told me to “shut that fucking baby up”. I had £3 in my account and no family or friends to help and no access to any funds. It’s alright for other people to say leave but unless you’ve been in that position you have no idea how hard it is. I sucked it down because I had no choice but I won’t lie, it’s ruined my life. I used to be bright and confident and I’m now a shadow of who I used to be. Bitter and resentful and I rarely smile. I live half a life. If I’d got out back then maybe it would be different. I had no choice but to stay. So I get it OP. How do you find a rental when you have no job and you don’t have 12 months rent money in your bank account. I get it.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 01/01/2021 20:14

i just want my daughter to have a dad in her life, because i didnt, and in all honesty my mother did a terrible job by herself.

But there's no need to think you'd make a terrible job of being a mum.

My husband died when our kids were small so I had to bring them up by myself. They're lovely young men now and I'm very proud of them. There's no reason you won't be a perfectly good mum too.

What will cause your precious little one harm is having a dad who's abusive to his mum. Far better be alone.

When my kids were little I told a retired social worker i didn't knew whether I was a good mum. She laughed and said just asking the question proved I was a good mum. Bad parents never even think about it.

Sandals19 · 01/01/2021 21:17

That's abuse.

And what would he do if you called him a bastard, useless or a silly old man?

Are you married or not?

Have you spoken to citizens advice about what you're entitled to?

Afaik it would be;

Single persons allowance
Plus one child allowance
Plus housing amount
Plus child benefit
Plus possible council tax relief
Plus if you work - your income (you will have a limit as to how much you can earn before they start deducting from your allowance)
Also if you work, 85% of childcare costs of with a registered child minder or childcare facility
Plus free dental etc
Plus, when child at school, free meals, transport allowance and uniform help

Sandals19 · 01/01/2021 21:19

Just cause your mum did a terrible job on her own, doesn't mean you would; the fact that you recognise he'd mistakes/failures .. shows awareness & good judgement so you are v unlikely to be like her.

Sandals19 · 01/01/2021 21:25

As to why he resorts to calling you names; I'd imagine because he enjoys it and it makes him feel superior.

He can do that to his partner at home (ax opposed to strangers, work colleagues, superiors etc because he might get into a fight with one of them and he might not win, or he might lose his job etc. He would suffer consequences.

But he doesn't suffer anything with his physically weaker, financially dependant partner at home (who wanted to raise her child within a two parent family) .. he gets to enjoy himself with no consequences ... And I I guess he thinks it'll keep your confidence down and you under the thumb, without power .. where he wants you.

Abusers never ever live in a democracy; their household is always a dictatorship, there are no equals in it.

Sandals19 · 01/01/2021 21:28

How do you find a rental when you have no job and you don’t have 12 months rent money in your bank account. I get it.

Wouldnt a single mother leaving an abusive relationship (and this is verbally and financially abusive) be high on the lists .. if op goes through women's aid etc?

Sandals19 · 01/01/2021 21:29

(I mean social housing lists obviously).

Has he ever been physical op?

OldWomanSaysThis · 01/01/2021 21:29

Do you get angry back at him?

VladimirCutiePutiPie · 01/01/2021 21:32

Please read A Thousand Splendid Suns but please leave him first. Not ok. It starts at “Silly mummy”. It ends elsewhere. You are a woman and have a life- please find it. Your child does not want to see you abused and humiliated. This is not a good relationship. And even if you dismiss this now- please know that any time to leave is better than none.

Dragongirl10 · 01/01/2021 21:32

He is definately abusive, this is not normal behavior.
Please find a way to leave him.

SueDeNimm · 01/01/2021 21:39

@OldWomanSaysThis

Do you get angry back at him?
No! She 'talks' and is 'nice'. And so he has zero respect for her and hates himself for being such an arse but likes the power and having a puppy to kick. He would be fishing the fucking remote control out of his backside while packing his fucking bags the FIRST time ANY of these comments were made. There wouldn't be a second time. It's appalling behaviour.
SueDeNimm · 01/01/2021 21:40

If it were me that is. Which it isn't because men like this choose their partners carefully and avoid women like me. Thank god.

Charles11 · 01/01/2021 21:40

He does it because he wants to hurt, belittle and humiliate you.
He enjoys your reaction to these words.
How do you normally react? What do you think would happen if you didn’t react to it anymore?
He would probably escalate it or find other ways to hurt you.

Sandals19 · 01/01/2021 21:42

If it were me that is. Which it isn't because men like this choose their partners carefully and avoid women like me.

🙄 Helpful.

Hailtomyteeth · 01/01/2021 21:49

The 'No man would do that to me' brigade have never been there. It starts slowly, undermining your self confidence and making you think you deserve it.

OP, start planning. Investigate all the avenues of support mentioned by other posters. Talk to your health visitor or your GP. Anyone who might be able to point you in the direction of practical help.

SueDeNimm · 01/01/2021 22:17

@cosmikdebris

i cant magic up money, he works and any benefits go into his account. i have 2p in my account. ive never even had a problem with that as i have access to his card, but i cant just leave. i have no family or friends. this alongside a whole ass pandemic makes everything seem impossible
Any benefits go into his account. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. This is financial abuse. Get it put into your account now. Tell don't ask. Jesus.

As gift his account in that case take 50% of the money when you go - it's yours.

Or stay and be abused. Your choice.

SueDeNimm · 01/01/2021 22:25

No one deserves this. @Hailtomyteeth I am not the abuser. I have NEVER been the abuser. Save your vitriol for those that are.

But it IS true that abusers choose their victims. It's not the fluffy bunny lovely happy reassuring words the OP wants. It's not the magic bullet of 'if you say x then he will fall to his knees with the magic realisation that he's wrong and will change his ways'.

And it's not 'don't worry the nice man will come and make it all better without any discomfort for anyone'.

The simple truth is that the OP needs to change her approach radically and that it will be difficult and uncomfortable and may eventually involve things she doesn't want to do eg the police and possibly a refuge.

What is the point in pretending otherwise? Then being shocked and frozen when it comes time to bite the bullet? Do you also believe in the tooth fairy?

Closetbeanmuncher · 01/01/2021 22:40

I wish women would stop believing in the myth of 'talking'. It's the biggest pile of shit ever. You introduce immediate consequences WITHOUT ANY DISCUSSION

Amen to that for starters!

Over anything i just want my daughter to have a dad in her life, because i didnt, and in all honesty my mother did a terrible job by herself

Sorry are you your mother?? Also she will have a dad in her life, all that will be different is you won't be subjected to his abuse. It's about time we dropped the "broken home" bullshit in this day and age.

If you think it's better for your daughter to grow up in a house with two people (one of them being abused in plain sight) rather than one person at a time in a calm loving atmosphere I don't know what to tell you.

EarthSight · 01/01/2021 23:27

@Sandals19

If it were me that is. Which it isn't because men like this choose their partners carefully and avoid women like me.

🙄 Helpful.

Indeed!
EarthSight · 01/01/2021 23:31

@Hailtomyteeth

The 'No man would do that to me' brigade have never been there. It starts slowly, undermining your self confidence and making you think you deserve it.

OP, start planning. Investigate all the avenues of support mentioned by other posters. Talk to your health visitor or your GP. Anyone who might be able to point you in the direction of practical help.

Also, many women do defend themselves, do fight back, do shout back, but all it does it make it a new dysfunctional normal. It allows some men to outsource their boundary keeping to someone else. They rely on someone else to set them right, instead of managing and inhibiting their own behaviour. I think it prolongs a lot of bad relationships, is exhausting for the woman, and in a healthy relationship there shouldn't be this type of behaviour to push back against in the first place.
bloodyhairy · 01/01/2021 23:36

You poor love Thanks
You deserve a million times better.

bloodyhairy · 01/01/2021 23:39

@SueDeNimm

Unhelpful AND smug as fuck. Well done.

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