Finding the courage to go NC. Please be gentle.

[Loner1]

I went through a really bad breakup last year, together 9 years and he left me for someone else and moved out, she was much younger and prettier which didn't do much for my self esteem. The relationship between them didn't last more than a month.

We have still seen and spoken to each other every day since he left and have been spending time together since around November. We don't have kids together, my home is in my name which makes things less complicated.

His mental health started to deteriorate drastically just before he left and has steadily gotten worse. Embarrassingly I'm still completely in love with him, and he knows it he says he loves me but isn't in love with me. We've been sleeping together, he's started staying over occasionally but sleeping on the sofa. He makes comments about all the woman he's going to sleep with and seems to get a kick out of seeing me upset. I know he's using me, but he's very good at convincing me I'm the problem. I just don't understand why if he doesn't want me he's doing this, keeping me as a backup? Good for his ego? Or just convenient and easy for him. I really don't know. I don't think I'm a bad person and feel so worthless and unwanted. I really do adore him and still cry most days 6 months post breakup.

I know i have to go no contact. I've tried before and always fail. I'm very isolated and lonely. I have no friends or family and am struggling to find a new job after being made redundant. I feel like I can't see a future for myself without him in it and I recognize that I have huge codependency issues. I want nothing more than my old life back but that's gone now and there's no way of going back.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from this post I just wanted to write it all down, I feel so scared and sad and lonely . I've tried to make positive changes and had started exercising, taking more time on my appearance, volunteering and keeping busy but lockdown and a recent injury have put a stop to that.

Any advice or tips on sticking to no contact? I delete his number and block him etc but I know the number off by heart always crumble and check if he's contacted me in the blocked folder. I know to some its as simple as just stop but I'm so scared of being completely alone and never speaking to him again .

First he is absolutely using you and clearly takes satisfaction from knowing that you still love him and are upset by the idea of him being with someone else. This man isn’t interested in you, only what you can do for him! Knowing this (and repeating it to yourself regularly) will help with going NC.

Secondly know that you are doing it at a really tough time given lockdown and the limited opportunities to distract yourself. So don’t be too hard on yourself. Some tips are get into a good Box set (a long one), a hobby/activity you can do at home to distract yourself and finally (a controversial one) join Bumble/Tinder or similar. Instead of texting him text someone who will falter you a bit, actually wants to talk to you and know that you have no emotions or ties to them. It’s a real life person and as long as you don’t promise them the world but are just a good conversationalist then you aren’t misleading them. I’m sending hugs 🤗

Flatter! Not faulter!!

Read up on narcissistic personality disorder OP. Sounds like what he’s doing is “triangulation” - making you feel bad about yourself by bragging about other women. It’s how they get their kicks unfortunately.

@unsureandunsteady thank you. I tried online dating apps but I'm so awkward and don't know what to say to people and my self esteem is so low that I came off of it. I keep trying and get into a series or read a book but I can't seem to concentrate on anything. I constantly feel on edge like I'm waiting for something to happen but I'm not sure what.

@boombox3000 I've just looked up triangulation and that does sound like exactly what he is doing. Doesn't make sense to me how he can treat me this way after what he did to me already, I feel like the last decade of my life was all a lie. I don't know who this person is because he isn't the man I know.

What were you like before you met him OP? Can you describe your life from those days?

I feel like the last decade of my life was all a lie. I don't know who this person is because he isn't the man I know.

I think this is key to how you are feeling. You don’t want to admit that you have wasted so much of your life this man AND you want/are waiting for him to turn back to the person he was before. @Loner1 I don’t know if he was always the way he is now (and just excellent at hiding his true self) or if he changed but he isn’t that man anymore. Ask yourself if he was this way when you met him would you want a relationship with him and would you put up with the way he is treating you? I have a feeling the answer is no way!!!

@dianat1969 we got together when I was 21. I've always been quite a shy anxious person, always been a people pleaser. Before him I was in a very violent, abusive relationship for several years. I worked in a pub and I was very unhappy to the point all I did was work, even if I wasn't being paid to do so because my abusive ex wouldn't move out despite us not being in a relationship.

I then met my most recent partner and I thought he'd saved me, he encouraged me to get counseling, really boosted my confidence, supported me and made me feel safe and was my best friend for 9 years. Everything was really good until I miscarried last year and became very depressed, then he cheated and left me for her. I didn't see it coming at all but then nobody ever does.

@unsureandunsteady yes I think you're right. That's why I haven't given up until now, I don't want all that time to be for nothing. I've been in denial until now but I know it has to end now because it's making me more and more miserable and I'm ashamed of myself for accepting the breadcrumbs he's giving me because I'm so scared of being alone. Pathetically I was so happy when we started sleeping together again, I wanted him to want me more than anything but I now realize it meant nothing to him. I've never been alone before. I've just cried all day today. Can't even get myself out for a walk due to an injury. I feel so desperately sad and alone and like I've wasted my life and now I have nothing and noone .

This is so hard. Keep typing out messages to send him and sending them to myself instead because I know he doesn't care what I have to say . I'm just a toy to him.

I need to find some self respect or this will go on until he meets someone else and starts rubbing that in my face .

Put messages on where! I will hold your hand tonight (or you can private message me!) you CAN do this. You are worth so much more than him!!! Do you have a comfort, go to, movie/series that you can watch without thinking?!

@unsureandunsteady I know you're right, I deserve better. He even tells me regularly himself that I deserve better than him. I don't feel like it though. I can never go through this again. I don't think i could ever trust anyone else in a relationship, this has been soul destroying.

I usually have true crime shows playing in the background or Greys anatamy but today I'm just laying here in silence.

I won't sleep tonight because I kept forcing myself back to sleep because I couldn't face getting out of bed. Doesn't help that his mum rings me most days because we have always been so close, she's told me he's very unwell and being sick and asleep all day. Going to be a long night . I really hate living alone, I can't believe how much my life has changed in such a short time.

@Loner1 you don’t need to think about the future and what that will or won’t bring for now. The key for the next few days and weeks is doing what it takes to keep you mentally well and away from him. Think of it like dieting or giving up smoking. A blip doesn’t equal a fail. You pick yourself up and carry on. Each time the length between blips gets longer, easier and you want the thing less!

He will be fine! He has a slight bug and has his Mum to look after him. Do you have anyone who can look after you?

Last time I went through a nasty break up I watched Grey’s from the beginning. Every single episode from scratch!!! I had forgotten a lot of the details and it was an easy distraction

@unsureandunsteady that's the thing, I can't stop thinking about the future I'm so scared that this is how it's going to be forever. Feel like I've missed my chance at happiness and a family now.

Oh I know he will be fine but I feel so pathetic I'm sat here worrying and wishing I could look after him after how he's treated me 😢. I've noone to look after me, I'm completely alone. No family, no friends and that never bothered me when we were together but now I've nobody to blame but myself that I'm so alone.

I've gotten so used to having him around again recently as he's been here so much that now he isn't everything seems so quiet and depressing. My cats are moping about looking for him too as this is the first day in weeks he hasn't been round.

@Loner1 I promise you that you haven’t missed your chance. I met my (very lovely) DH when I was 34 and I have a number of friends who have been in a similar position. What you have to do at the moment those is focus on yourself. Could you go back to counselling? Even if it is via zoom for now? Rebuild your self worth, deal with all of your emotions about your miscarriage and then help you make some friends. That’s the first step. No-one deserves to be treated the way you have been and you 100% do not deserve this.

Him not coming round tonight has started to put things into perspective for you. He has done you a huge favour by doing that. I would make lists about all the reasons I am better off without him and keep them on my phone. Read them back to yourself when you are wobbling.

I'm on a waiting list for counciling so hopefully won't have to wait much longer as I think it will be helpful as my thoughts are so doom and gloom.

Yes I know you're right that he's done me a favour, he was actually supposed to be staying over last night (on the sofa as he won't sleep in bed weirdly despite having sex with me, cuddling etc) but left after midnight as he was feeling really poorly and had been sick. I stayed up overthinking everything and crying and today I woke up and decided enough is enough. He isn't going to get back with me no matter what I do, and I should be grateful that he isn't as I deserve better. I wish i could switch my feelings off and stop overthinking but night times are the worst for me.

Thank you so much for your support x

The contact with his mum isn't helping you. Can you stop that? Or at least ask her not to mention him at all?

Is there something you can throw yourself into? Something that feeds your codependent need to be a saviour and takes plenty of attention? Cat fostering? Writing about your experiences, anonymously, for blogs about bad relationships?

Social distancing makes it hard to make new friends but it is not impossible. What about training in something new, not necessarily for work, that gives the opportunity to meet new people?

@strippedfridge I can't stop contact with his mum really, she's basically like my mum and has been for so long. We did have an arrangement where we didn't speak about him, but now he's been spending time here so much i think his whole family are hopeful we'll get back together at some point but I will have a word with her when she next rings me. I imagine it's difficult for her especially as he doesn't even have a bedroom at hers and has been sleeping on her sofa and living out of bags since September.

Without going into too much detail as it would definitely out me on here I can't get around at the moment and won't be able to for many months due to an injury. Doesn't help I'm in a top floor flat. So keeping busy and finding activities is difficult, I am a really socially awkward person too and have always struggled making friends even as a child but it's only gotten harder as I've got older. I did have a few online friends who I spoke to every day but I had to remove myself from social media as the woman he left for kept messaging me even months after they'd split and I found looking at all the engagements, babies, weddings quite depressing.

I think I just need to learn to enjoy my own company and accept that this is life now .

This is life for a few months while you recuperate. That's all.

What would you like your life to be like?

@strippedfridge I just want to be happy. What I want more than anything is to have a child of my own, I'm not bothered about marriage but I'd like companionship. I feel like my life has no purpose at the moment and the only reason I get out of bed these days is to feed the cats then I spend the day waiting until I can go to sleep again.

I recommend a self help book called The Happiness Trap. I think it will help you a lot.

It mightn't feel like it @Loner1 but you're on your way out of your co-dependency. You recognise the situation for what it is and that it can't continue like this indefinitely. As a pp has already said, like a diet you may have one or two slip ups along the way (you may not too) and that's ok, it's a super tough time to make big life changes. Recognise them as slip ups them strengthen your resolve. This isn't going to be your life for much longer honest, it just feels crazy painful right now. And you're so young! I have so many friends who just met their now husbands in their mid to late thirties (and had awful painful break- ups prior to meeting the one). If you can try and accept the next few months, hey even the next six are going to be about hibernation (as we all should do anyway right now), healing from your injury, focusing on you (any online courses you can do which can help with a future new career - if you want to have no headspace left for anything else in your life for a bit I'd recommend an intensive Prince 2 project management course - it's a killer for having to focus on that only) and mostly just being kind to yourself. You're totally allowed to be sad and grieve for this relationship. The last nine years were not a waste, they were an important part of your life and you'll have learnt from them. It sounds a bit twee but they'll have helped shape you into the person you're going to become. Try and make it all about you. Oh and read Elizabeth Day's 'How to fail' if you can. It starts (I think) on her reflecting on a painful divorce at 35 and feeling pretty much at the bottom. She's doing pretty marvelous now at 40 with an amazing career and a CEO fiance who makes her happy and who she met on Hinge! And she's brutally honest about how shit it's been getting over relationships. Alternatively you could listen to her How to fail podcasts.
It will get better, honest, you're just at the most painful stage but light is ahead if you keep pushing through.

Hi Op, how are you feeling today?

You say you can't stop contact with his mother. You can. What I think is stopping you is that you are putting her needs and wants above your own.
You feel sorry for her having him live there - stop! Feel sorry for yourself for having him manipulate and hurt you over and over (every single time he sleeps with you, every single time he talks about other women - it's him choosing to hurt you).
As a simple step can you try and stop putting yourself in others' shoes and empathising with them so much? Can you start prioritising your own happiness above other peoples'?
You have a good set of goals already listed. Other people are not more important than you. Your self worth does not rely on other people.

I am so glad to read that you have decided that enough is enough.
I see how difficult that was for you.
So easy for me to say from an anonymous keyboard, but can you add one new thing everyday to your list of things-to-do? For example, after I feed the cats I will strip the bed. Or, after I feed the cats I will put on clean pyjamas and watch tv from the settee.
I am sorry you are going through this.

I'm slowly going no contact with my younger brother, I'm lucky in that I'm able to move to Canada later in the year which will help but after months of being treated terribly by him (ever since he got with his girlfriend) I'm done. There's so much drama, they're never happy and they have little to no interest in my life so I'm better off out of it. Sadly I have a nephew involved but I'd rather show him that there's a way out of the dysfunction than having to stay in it because there's no other choice.

I know the answer to this one. Here it is: You ABSOLUTELY ROCK. You are completely amazing. You are a lovely, decent, kind, respectful person. There are things about you that nobody else has in the same balances and combinations, and that makes you unique. Nobody can compete with you. You are one on your own, in the best way.

You have to scream this (inside your head, obviously, or you might seem, to outsiders, to be unique in ways you'd like less) loudly enough to make yourself jump, every time you have any temptation to crumble. Because what you are crumbling for is your desire to have him validate you. To reassure yourself that, as a person, you are acceptable. But you have to validate yourself.

Be single and amazing. Be Kristen Scott Thomas or Angelina Jolie, if you can't do it by being yourself. Just do an impression of them. Or anybody else you can think of who has rock solid confidence. Just until you get the hang of it.

Feel a temptation to contact him? Say to yourself 'NO. I ROCK. I VALIDATE MYSELF AND I DON'T NEED ANYBODY TO AGREE WITH ME. STICK THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT, WORLD!'

Don't listen to your brain when it provides you with thoughts to doubt this. It has been pre-conditioned (probably by not being listened to as a child?) into making you feel you are unimportant.

You are very, very important.