Finding the courage to go NC. Please be gentle.

[Loner1]

I went through a really bad breakup last year, together 9 years and he left me for someone else and moved out, she was much younger and prettier which didn't do much for my self esteem. The relationship between them didn't last more than a month.

We have still seen and spoken to each other every day since he left and have been spending time together since around November. We don't have kids together, my home is in my name which makes things less complicated.

His mental health started to deteriorate drastically just before he left and has steadily gotten worse. Embarrassingly I'm still completely in love with him, and he knows it he says he loves me but isn't in love with me. We've been sleeping together, he's started staying over occasionally but sleeping on the sofa. He makes comments about all the woman he's going to sleep with and seems to get a kick out of seeing me upset. I know he's using me, but he's very good at convincing me I'm the problem. I just don't understand why if he doesn't want me he's doing this, keeping me as a backup? Good for his ego? Or just convenient and easy for him. I really don't know. I don't think I'm a bad person and feel so worthless and unwanted. I really do adore him and still cry most days 6 months post breakup.

I know i have to go no contact. I've tried before and always fail. I'm very isolated and lonely. I have no friends or family and am struggling to find a new job after being made redundant. I feel like I can't see a future for myself without him in it and I recognize that I have huge codependency issues. I want nothing more than my old life back but that's gone now and there's no way of going back.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from this post I just wanted to write it all down, I feel so scared and sad and lonely . I've tried to make positive changes and had started exercising, taking more time on my appearance, volunteering and keeping busy but lockdown and a recent injury have put a stop to that.

Any advice or tips on sticking to no contact? I delete his number and block him etc but I know the number off by heart always crumble and check if he's contacted me in the blocked folder. I know to some its as simple as just stop but I'm so scared of being completely alone and never speaking to him again .

Exactly what @bluelemming said. Bad days remind you that it mattered and you are a good person who is struggling through a bad situation but you will get through this. You are stronger than you think

@bluelemming thank you so much that means alot .
@unsureandunsteady thank you so much for your support, it really is helping.

I'm using this as a sort of diary and will just randomly pop on here and write things down when I'm feeling weak I think.

I still haven't been to sleep. Haven't eaten in quite a while either. I feel like I'm back in the initial heartbreak again after building myself up before. I feel stupid.

I won't lie, I caved and cried and cried on the phone to him for hours yesterday. He wanted to come round but I refused, he was being kind but I have learned now it's all an act to keep me hooked and he's probably feeling smug that I caved.

So disappointed with myself, I really need to be stronger, this man is treating me appallingly and I make excuses in my head for him and convince myself he loves me just because he says he does. It's pathetic,

I really hope this counciling comes quickly as I definitely need it. Eating and sleeping are definitely going to be a priority for me tomorrow/today because when I feel exhausted I get over emotional and I can't resist reaching out when I'm lonely and overthinking/reminiscing.

I'm so afraid that noone will ever want to kiss me, hug me, hold my hand again. I wouldn't say I'm unattractive, I got plenty of attention when I dipped my toe into online dating (not difficult I know), but I feel so undesirable and anyway I don't think I could trust anyone again. I miss physical contact, I don't even mean sex, just feeling someone else's heartbeat close, I'm a very affectionate person. It hasn't even been very long at all and I've been through this before when he left initially so I know it's only going to get more difficult. I'm rambling now. Just feeling so desperately low and lonely but tomorrow is a new day.

To me it’s not courage to go no contact
You just decide you’ve had enough & draw a line in the sand.

You can decide anytime to go NC - you choose not to because the emotional payoff you get from being in contact trumps NC.

You need to decide to stop contact & just...stop

And also acknowledging that fear is what is stopping you

Love & real affection is a rare thing. It is something you must acclimatise to being comfortable without, until it may happen again.

The fear of being alone stops you from going Nc but it’s a bandaid to the truth.

Hold the line op, nobody should be allowed to treat people the way he’s treating you.

You sound so lovely op. I've recently been through a break up with a man I'm still crazily in love with, and I know how hard it is and how much it hurts. I have felt absolutely devestated. This man doesn't seem to respect you and you do deserve better.

I have chosen to go no contact with my ex, we had no falling out but I'm doing it for my own sake. It has been a month and I still cry and I have down days, but it is getting easier.

These are some of the things that have helped me: I write letters sometimes when I'm feeling really low (to him, but I don't send them), and I try and keep myself busy doing other things just so I'm not focussed on him constantly. I've also been watching a lot videos on YouTube about anxiety and how to stay calm. There are a lot on there specifically about relationship breakdowns and anxiety from that. I was surprised how much they helped me feel better.

I hope you do go no contact with him op. You know you should, this is hurting you and it will hurt you so much more if you carry on like this and he then meets someone else. He's treating you very badly and he is not worth wasting time on. You do have my sympathies. It's a lot harder with everything else that's going on at the moment too I think.

@gutful, you're completely right it is fear that is stopping me. I can't cope with the thought of not knowing when I'll see or speak to anyone again. That's what I need to get over. I've never been alone before.

@hildabagshot thank you. I've done the letters/emails/texts before and did find it helpful so will start that again.

Tried to keep busy today but just keep breaking down in tears, doesn't help that my wifi has gone down and the TV isn't working either. I wish I was stronger and more independent. I wish I didn't miss him so much. I tell myself it's not him I miss, it's being in a relationship. But it is him, I miss all his little habits and all our private jokes it's so hard that he doesn't exist anymore and has been replaced with this cruel, manipulative person instead. I wish I could just sleep through all of this, I'm so weak willed and overly emotional. I must learn to be stronger.

So he's been at the door. Begging and crying, wants to move back home. I didn't open. Feeling very empowered

Well done Op! You can do it!!

You took your power back from him OP, well done. You are far stronger than you think.

He switched to the manipulative, cruel man who was lurking underneath the whole time when he found another woman.

You on the other hand now know he isn’t worthy of you. There are normal, decent men out there.

Now you've done that you will go from strength to strength!

Well done Op.
That’s a big step forward.
Now ignore any whinging, whining, pleading messages he sends you.
You can do this!

@Loner1thats the best news I have had all week!!! You are doing amazingly. You will still have weak moments but that was the one that will define you!!!

Without sounding like a cliché (although I know I will) “YOU GO GIRL!!!”

Well done op you're doing great

Thank you all . Today has been boring long and lonely with lots of overthinking but I've remained strong. Scrolled through lots of threads on classics on here and browsed reddit to keep myself distracted.

Typical as soon as I've moved on and stopped pandering he's decided he wants to come home. Still very proud, this was all I wanted just a few weeks ago but no way is it happening now. I deserve better and I'd just be waiting for him to disappear again anyway.

Tonight I've made myself a lovely meal, watched 2 horror films, something I love doing but have been too scared to do alone since he left last year. Just about to run a nice bath with a book and keep myself distracted so as not to text him. I know i will still have blips and slip ups but I know I'll get through this. I don't need him. I keep telling myself I don't need anyone, I'm fine on my own, everything I need I can give myself.

I've read through the whole thread and I'm so incredibly impressed by your resolve.

You clearly have a lot of love in you OP. I'm glad to see you starting to love yourself a bit more.

I hope you're ok. You can do this

You're clinging onto something that wasn't real OP, if you're really serious about wanting children and some happiness you really have to let this go. It's the only way.

It sounds like you've been doing well op and I hope that you are feeling good.

I posted before, and told you I'd been NC with my ex for a month. Well, over the last few days I have started to reply to his texts. (He broke up with me but has been attempting to stay in touch).

I think it was a bad idea as I'd been doing quite well overall, but today I'm down in the dumps and thinking about him.

Actually there's a few things that need doing around the house that I could do today, so maybe I'll have a bit of MN time and then start on house stuff to keep busy.

Loving someone who doesn't want you or doesn't treat you right really is a horrible feeling... But onwards and upwards!

@hildabagshot I'm so sorry I missed your reply. I hope you're doing OK. I've had a few slip ups but am now at the point where I'm finally starting to really dislike him.

No contact is getting much easier, I'm getting used to my own company and have re-downloaded a few dating apps. I have no intention of actually dating anyone but it is helping my confidence and I don't even care that he's been calling me a slag because he found out I was on there.

He's stopped asking to come back and back to being nasty on the occasions he does text me which is becoming less and less frequent. I do still miss him and I do still love him, but I really don't like him anymore. I'm worth far more than what breadcrumbs he has to offer. I really do think he's a narcissist and all his begging to come back was an attempt at hoovering.

@Loner1

Can I join you? Day one today 😔

likes cooking, quiet nights at home, baths, wine, scary movies.... you sound like a really cool & interesting person ! I like you as a person based on these alone :) Good for you seeing the other side of NC & the strength it can provide.

@lostmyselfalongtheway of course! Good luck, the first few days are the hardest, I'm fortunate my ex is such an idiot that his behaviour has made it easier for me.

@gutful thank you thats a lovely thing to say

@Loner1 thank you.
Im going to have to restart tomorrow. What is wrong iwth me, 😞😞😞💔
Have you any tips at all? Did you message yourself to stop doing it or just managed to find your centre?

@lostmyselfalongtheway honestly I'm not the best person to give this advice, you wouldn't believe the things I've done before now trying to win him back even when he was off starting a new relationship with someone else, but I think it just clicked one day that I can't keep doing this to myself. It was difficult to give up, because I do still love him but I was making myself unwell and he started treating me terribly. I've had to accept I'm going to be on my own for a very long time and probably never have children.

Typically he's now desperate for me back, promising the world but I just don't engage with it at all. I actually have my phone off most of the day now and stay offline because I find this the best way for me (hence the slow reply.) I hope you're doing OK. We can do this!

Oh and yes I do message myself ALOT. Sometimes loads of times a day but it's becoming less and less now. Every day is a little easier. Yes I'm lonely, yes I miss him but I just remind myself that this is all his doing, he chose to leave and then made me an option I've taken myself out the equation he can do as he pleases now.