Finding the courage to go NC. Please be gentle.

[Loner1]

I went through a really bad breakup last year, together 9 years and he left me for someone else and moved out, she was much younger and prettier which didn't do much for my self esteem. The relationship between them didn't last more than a month.

We have still seen and spoken to each other every day since he left and have been spending time together since around November. We don't have kids together, my home is in my name which makes things less complicated.

His mental health started to deteriorate drastically just before he left and has steadily gotten worse. Embarrassingly I'm still completely in love with him, and he knows it he says he loves me but isn't in love with me. We've been sleeping together, he's started staying over occasionally but sleeping on the sofa. He makes comments about all the woman he's going to sleep with and seems to get a kick out of seeing me upset. I know he's using me, but he's very good at convincing me I'm the problem. I just don't understand why if he doesn't want me he's doing this, keeping me as a backup? Good for his ego? Or just convenient and easy for him. I really don't know. I don't think I'm a bad person and feel so worthless and unwanted. I really do adore him and still cry most days 6 months post breakup.

I know i have to go no contact. I've tried before and always fail. I'm very isolated and lonely. I have no friends or family and am struggling to find a new job after being made redundant. I feel like I can't see a future for myself without him in it and I recognize that I have huge codependency issues. I want nothing more than my old life back but that's gone now and there's no way of going back.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from this post I just wanted to write it all down, I feel so scared and sad and lonely . I've tried to make positive changes and had started exercising, taking more time on my appearance, volunteering and keeping busy but lockdown and a recent injury have put a stop to that.

Any advice or tips on sticking to no contact? I delete his number and block him etc but I know the number off by heart always crumble and check if he's contacted me in the blocked folder. I know to some its as simple as just stop but I'm so scared of being completely alone and never speaking to him again .

@ella15 thank you for that I will have a look at those podcasts. I feel so afraid of being completely alone for 6 months. There's a real possibility that I won't see another human in that time. I have this irrational fear that I'll die here alone and nobody will find me, this happened to my dad so that's probably where that fear comes from.

@dutifuldaughterwifemother I'm much the same today, did myself no favours by reading through all our texts and her social media from when he left me and now can't think of anything else. But I haven't contacted him.

@mondayyogurt you're right I could cut contact with his mum but I have such a close relationship with her and his family, I really do love them and they've done so much for me even after the split. I have told her I'd like her to stop mentioning him to me now though which I think she's surprised about as like I say I think everyone thought we were on track to getting back together.

@willowmelangell thank you. It is very difficult, it would be so easy for me to let this carry on as its familiar and I do love him but it's so damaging and would carry on like this for years. I need to put myself first now. I do get up, bath/shower, dress and do my makeup everyday but my housework has really lapsed due to mobility issues and I haven't been eating or sleeping particularly well.

@vicason that sounds tough. I hope things get better for you.

@eckhart thank you. I'll really struggle with that, I have no self esteem ever before this and have always really disliked everything about myself. Very likely from issues in my childhood. I guesse there is nothing to lose from faking it until I make it.

Everyday I wake up and just feel so sad that I have another day to get through. I just wish I could switch it all off or fast forward the hard bits all I want to do is cry all the time .

Struggling again so just popping another message on here so I do not message him. I have checked my blocked folder in a moment of weakness and there's lots of calls and texts asking to come over, if I'm ok etc. Just have to keep reminding myself he isn't the person I'm in love with, that person no longer exists. The feelings and all the things I've convinced myself about him aren't real. If he wanted to be with me he would be.

[quote Loner1]@eckhart thank you. I'll really struggle with that, I have no self esteem ever before this and have always really disliked everything about myself. Very likely from issues in my childhood. I guesse there is nothing to lose from faking it until I make it.

Everyday I wake up and just feel so sad that I have another day to get through. I just wish I could switch it all off or fast forward the hard bits all I want to do is cry all the time .[/quote]
You have inside out self esteem. Like an ego in reverse. This will sound very blunt, but I mean it kindly:

What is so very special about you that you deserve to dislike yourself?

Presumably you don't think it's a good idea for people to go about disliking themselves in general, and you can see that there are people who have done far worse things than you have, but are actually still ok people?

Well done for posting here instead of replying to him.

Now what are your plans for this evening ? Cooking a nice meal? A box set? An exercise video? ( yes I know you have an injustice but there’s bound to be one that suits on YouTube ).

@eckhart I'm not sure why I dislike myself so much but I'm also not sure why I would like myself either. I agree that there are people who have done worse things than me and still OK people, I guesse I'm just feeling sorry for myself and need to snap out of that mindset.

@connie I don't have any plans at present other than cooking myself a curry and having a bath. I've resisted the urge to drown my sorrows so far but may have 1 or 2 glasses of wine to try and relax with a movie. Thank you both for your replies I really need the distraction/interaction

Make sure it’s a luxury bath ( candles, music, a good book ) and your best towels.

Set the table / a tray nicely for your curry. Imagine I was coming round - make the place tidy.

You deserve nice things OP, be kind to yourself.

And tomorrow search you tube for seated exercises / those you can do with back pain / whatever suits your injury. You need to get back to it as it will help your physical and mental health.

Get back in touch with hour old online friends and find a way to block his ex. Don’t let her steal your friends from you.

Remember it’s a new year and new you, free from him dragging you down.

@Loner1 you are doing brilliantly!! You have gone over 24 hours of NC!!! you deserve to treat yourself to a nice meal, and as @C0NNIE says the poshest bubble bath you can manage!!!

Definitely treat yourself to a glass of wine but don’t have too much as people’s resolves tend to weaken with alcohol. Maybe just the one with your meal and another later with a dessert midway through the movie.

You are no longer thinking about this you ARE DOING IT!!! You have this strength inside you!

@connie & @unsureandunsteady I've had my curry, a very nice bath with a bath bomb, put on a face and hair mask, new pyjamas and fluffy socks and poured my glass of wine. This is the time I find it hardest not to reach out so am trying my best to keep busy. Thank you very much

@Loner1 that actually sounds like my most perfect night at the moment. You are treating yourself with love and kindness which is exactly what you deserve. You're doing great!

@ella15 I am feeling very relaxed and a little stronger, haven't even checked my blocked messages for several hours which is a huge achievement! I'm expecting a knock at the door at some point but I will ignore. I don't even have the energy to deal with it all anymore, it's gone on too long I'm exhausted.

Sending you warm support and best wishes OP.. 🌺

@Loner1that sounds like a brilliant night. It doesn’t matter where your strength comes from (I honestly think the “I just can’t be arsed with this anymore” approach is often the strongest!) I am jealous of your evening 😊

@Loner1 I couldn't sleep, scrawling through tweets and came across the following which a friend had retweeted. It describes in few words the place I've been in so perfectly and I thought of your situation right now too so had to share. It's direct but so true. Loads of comments underneath of people sharing their experiences and supporting each other twitter.com/cassmarketos/status/1302362533727145985?s=19

Thank you all. @ella15 that's very helpful thank you.

Unfortunately today I've caved . The cheeky sod had the audacity to message me suggesting an open relationship . Yes I know i shouldn't have replied or even checked but I'm putting it behind me as a blip and am even more determined to keep him out of my life. He's a disgusting cruel human being.

@Loner1you are absolutely right to think it was a blip and I would be almost be grateful that you did check as now you have seen how truly selfish he is! This will add strength to your resolve and you are doing so well

Thank you @unsureandunsteady Thank you. I'm furious,this isn't some man I had a fling with I spent almost 10 years of my life with him and truly believed I loved I would be with forever, absolutely disgusted he would message me that, I expect he doesn't like that I've been ignoring him and was looking for a reaction and knew that would provoke one. I've been angrily cleaning for hours with my music on since he sent it and refuse to even check if he has replied.

*believed we were in love and would be together forever.

You are doing great OP, you've made great strides already! You do sound quite depressed so I think it's good you're waiting to see a counselor. What about taking a class and doing some virtual meet ups? Then you could feel proud of yourself for learning something new. For the meetup, I'm thinking something like a supper club where you make dinner and chat with people via zoom, or maybe a group craft where you order supplies and all do the craft together. I bet there are a gaggle of virtual happy hours too, even if you don't drink you could make a mocktail and enjoy the conversation.

@bookfiend4life yes I am very depressed, I'm on anti depressants too. I will look into virtual meetups, I downloaded some dating apps and quickly deleted them as I've no idea how to speak to other men. Funnily enough one of the messages he sent me was a photo asking if it would be good for his own dating profile. I'm so angry today nothing is distracting me or calming me down but thankfully no tears for a change, yet. I definitely think he's going to turn up tonight at some point, it will take all my restraint not to open the door when he does.

Writing down the things he's doing really is helping me see that I'm not being irritational and he is in fact behaving appallingly now I've decided to ignore him. I just don't understand why, if he doesn't want me anymore and does not love me why can't he just leave me alone

OP, have you categorically told him to leave you alone?

This is a man who was with you for 9 years. You were going to have a baby together before you miscarried. His family love you. You've been entirely faithful, loyal and committed. It's natural you're devastated and clinging onto what you thought you had.

The way he is treating you is beyond cruel in my opinion. I have no idea how he sleeps at night. This is not someone you want in your life, father to your children, sleeping in your bed. You can't depend in him for the big stuff. You are truly better off alone.

Good riddance. Please don't give into him. He'll only grind you down until you feel totally worthless.

Please make 2021 the year you work on your confidence. You sound lovely, kind and funny. You have loads to offer both as a friend and partner and there are plenty of deserving people just like you, looking for companionship or friendship.

@Loner1 how are you doing this morning?

@noprivatespy yes I have, he just finds it funny to upset me it seems. I can't get my head around how this is the same man I was in love with. He was my best friend and now he's getting kicks out of destroying me. I don't know what I've done to deserve this. Thank you for your kind words.

@unsureandunsteady I'm not doing too great, no sleep at all just pacing, can't relax and I just want a hug and the fact I genuinely have no idea when I'll see anyone to get one again is so depressing.

OP you sound like a lovely person to me. You have insight and warmth. You're going through a really bad patch but it won't last for ever. Things do change if you allow them to.

I just wanted to assure you that you are not alone and people do care about you. They might be anonymous people on an Internet forum but they do care. Sending love.