On my own and not ok

[Allthepieces]

I’m a new poster and I’m single, hope it’s ok to post on this board. I’ve come here in blind panic and sadness really. The last few weeks have been particularly awful. This time two years ago w relationship broke down with my fiancé. It took me a long long time to feel remotely ok. Whilst I feel like I’ve moved on from that, I just can’t believe I am now so old and still single. I guess it’s the one thing in my life I haven’t been able to fix by working harder, earning more money, taking up hobbies, travelling... all of which are things I’ve done in the past to make my life how I wanted it. I guess the problem is relationships don’t work like that, it either happens or it doesn’t.

I just don’t know where to go from here. I definitely don’t want to go at anything alone, it’s about the family and companionship with someone for me, though I get it works for some people. So it leaves me with this horrible feeling that fuck what have done to be in this position at this age? Where did I go wrong? Covid has made things lonelier but I’ve been online dating, chatting and meeting people when restrictions allow. I’ve been at it for a year and no success. I’ve tried all the tricks too if giving things a chance and being more selective, less selective, not being picky, being pickier, taking a break etc etc. Nothing works. Some say it will happen when you least expect it and others say that’s ridiculous you won’t get a man turn up at your door, you need to look.

I’ve spent some days going for a drive on my own as I’m so low. I don’t have suicidal thoughts but a lot of the time I wish I would not wake up. Any cancellation from friends really stings these days and today for example, I’ve not spoken to or heard from anyone. I do contact people myself and instigate chats, and I do have some good friends, but they all have people who are far higher in the priority list than me. And I get that, I understand it. It’s just heartbreakingly lonely. I want it all to go away and I really now can’t see any of this changing ever. Before my fiancé I did have a couple of short ish relationships of a couple of years but basically I can see being like this now and it is not something I think I can cope with much longer. I also worry that I have baggage now and things just feel pretty awful.

Sorry this was so long. I didn’t know where to turn anymore. If anyone was around to chat that would be nice.

Hiya, I hope you’re okay and I didn’t want to not comment. I am 30 but was single for a very long time and found it very useful to grow comfortable with myself and really enjoy my own company and grow in confidence to not care what people think. I started a new job randomly and met my partner, three years later we’ve moved to a new town together and have a one year old. It honestly happens when you least expect it (I know everyone says that but it’s really true). I used to have depressing thoughts and was incredibly lonely and cried a lot. I now look back and just know it was meant to happen as I am now not dependant on my partner or other peoples approval. Learn to love yourself first and I promise everything else will follow x

How old are you? I'm 58 and would never have another man in my life. I've been married twice and then in a long term relationship with someone else and all of them have been selfish, taken the piss, cheated etc while I've bust a gut trying to make it work and worm myself down.
I could have a relationship with any of three or four men my age but I keep them at arms length as friends because I really cannot be bothered any more.
Being in a relationship is not the be all and end all of life, but I guess if you had told me that in my 40's I would not have believed it.

Hi All, my phone is playing up so I couldn't reply properly. I am so sorry that things are so rough for you. I can't stay on here today but I think you should spend this year taking care of yourself. Try to be objective and look carefully at your life, what do you really want? Loneliness is a terrible scourge in our society, I do hope this year brings you some fulfilment, along with peace and happiness 🙏💖💖.

I will report my other post.

I feel exactly the same @Allthepieces and we were discussing this a couple of days ago on another thread but it seems to have gone quiet on there now.
No amount of hobbies, walks, podcasts, books and long baths can replace the companionship I so long for and that I have had previously. My friends don’t really understand, most of them being with partners and some having children but I am heart achingly lonely. Like you, cancelled plans really sting for me too. It’s ok for the person cancelling but for me it means another day alone. I’ve given up making plans with people and tend to rely only on myself as that way I know I there’s no chance of being let down but it’s not how I’d like to be. I like meeting people and doing things (when there is no pandemic in the way) and don’t want to be always going places on my own.
Happy for your to DM me if you’d like to chat 🙂

I think it's the time of year - I feel the same. Everyone around me is full of hope and what seems to be happiness and I'm clutching to get through the day.
I've been in therapy for quite a while and I'm coming to recognise triggers - this maybe one for you.
I don't think 2020 and inconsistency of life at the moment is helping either.
I've been single for a couple of years after a traumatic marriage and divorce- as much as being single has its low points I can honestly say I would much rather me here than back where I was.
There is no happiness or fulfilment in other people or relationships- it has to come from you first.

I feel the same too. I wake up most days with a feeling of panic and sadness that despite me trying everything you say I’m still in the same position 3 years on.
I know a relationship isn’t the only thing in the world but after being married 25 yrs, single nearly 4 I miss having someone
No advice just wanted you to know you’re not alone

You've only been OL dating a year, so I think you're "trying all the tricks" is a bit overstating it, you can't have tried any for very long. And a year is a relatively short time really. Especially during Covid.

By all accounts OLD is hard and crushing at times, and it sounds like a numbers and luck game.

Maybe it's worth trying an old-fashioned matching service, or asking friends to set you up?

I hope 2021 brings you better things.

Wow thanks for the replies, wasn’t sure if anyone would be interested in responding.

I just fed hopeless. It’s all well and good saying you need to find your own happiness but I did that for many years when I was younger. I didn’t expect to be left with nothing at this age. I’ve even had therapy and all sorts to try and feel better but basically I miss a relationship and I will always feel that way it’s just who I am.

If I could not carry on I would, I’m just too scared to do anything. I’ve come out for a walk today and it’s fully of people together, yet to see anyone alone. It’s shit and I don’t know how to be ok with this forevermore. It makes me angry and bitter and sad and loads more and I hate that :( I never wanted to someone who hated their life so much yet here I am. I’ve done so much over the years and had that wonderful independent feeling and now I’m older I just feel fearful.

Category (don’t know how to tag?) I’ve been online dating a year but speaking to a lot of people and before I met my fiancé I had been single 4 years and it was bleak. I’m so sad today.

Also text two of my closest friends asking if they fancied a chat and have had no response. I know they will be busy but it hurts.

One of my friends was saying the other day that I was so chilled compared with her other friends and I never make her feel pressured to meet and she knows I’m so relaxed like that... saying her other friends need support and contact to feel like the friendship is strong. I was thinking I cry myself to sleep most nights and would love for her to contact me more. I don’t want to be a burden or inconvenience though. I just want someone who sees me as their priority and vice versa. Genuinely don’t think it will ever happen now and I don’t want this anymore. It’s so hard.

Loneliness is so hard even at the best of times and these are strange times we are living in, with limited opportunities to do anything or see people. Sending you a hug.

@Allthepieces you're not a burden on anyone to want friendships and conversations with people. So please please don't stop trying to reach out: maybe write a text to a few people saying "hey I found Christmas tough and isolating; would love a chat if you're free?"

I feel the same loneliness you do, but have three kids on my own: so definitely not anyone's dating priority. The kids do keep me going every day.

Would you think about getting a pet? They're great company and always happy

If you put in an @ it should give you a drop-down of people to tag. (I tend to check threads I've commented on by the "threads I'm on" so once I've commented you don't tend to get rid of me .)

Happy New Year, OP - I'm sorry you're starting it out feeling so low. Maybe it would be worth getting some support from your GP to help dig you out of it a bit? I know it's not a solution to your problem, but it might just bolster you a bit.

How old are you?

@howdoyouknow123 I haven’t been that explicit but they do know I’ve had a tough time. I feel worse that they’ve not even replied all day. Both of them have said separately, and recently, that they are so grateful for my friendship and I’m so easy to talk to and I’m supportive... it doesn’t feel the same the other way round. They’re lovely people, I’m not blaming them. Im just not their priority and never will be.

@category12 the GP will say go on medication probably. They will say I am depressed. I am I suppose but it’s not going to change, I’m well and truly alone and too old for it to be any different now.

@Techgirldating how do you deal with the panic? I woke up this morning and couldn’t breathe. Eventually went back to sleep. I honestly wish I could never wake up. Some people may like the single life and flourish in it. It’s not for me.

@Joinedtosayhello so many podcasts and books, they don’t feel like a luxury or time off anymore. I am so unhappy I don’t know if I’ve the stamina to carry on for another week of this let alone indefinitely.

I am sorry to hear this Op.
I experienced loneliness at Uni in my final year: it’s quite something isn’t it?

I have had success channelling my panic into action (activism) twice in my life BUT I wasn’t dealing with loneliness at the same time.

Your post frustrates me as you sound like your would make a great companion and I have a lonely brother!

What is your family like?

Is there an interest you have? I joined an online film group during lockdown and have found great comfort in having a group of people to see online and catch up with one night a week.

I used ‘meet-ups’ by the way

Is it worth ringing Samaritans? At least that way you have someone to talk to until your friends have time to reply.
Or could you join some groups. I know it's difficult at the moment, but things like book clubs, walking groups or games clubs. Have a look at what's available locally and then see if they have any activities still going in lockdown. This won't get you a relationship but will get a degree of companionship and a way of filling the time so you are less alone with your thoughts.
Sorry if this has already been suggested.

Yes, that was my point really - I was suggesting that medication might help. If you are depressed, it will help you. It's not the answer to your loneliness, but it will help you cope with it and keep on trying to do something about it. Depression sucks away your energy and motivation so that it feels like nothing will ever change and it's impossible to do anything about it - a leg-up out of that spiral will help you.

How come you haven't answered the "how old are you?" question?

@Allthepieces happy new year and thanks to you and @category12 I now know how to tag. The world is our oyster!

If you think your gp would prescribe medication then that is a positive. It is not something to beat yourself up over or feel bad about. It is something to make you feel a bit better when you are hurting badly.

Tell your friends that you are feeling really low and could go with a chat. Then keep it short.

Huge hugs.

You’ve prompted me to ring a friend by the way

@Allthepieces , @category12 makes some good points. You have nothing to lose by giving antidepressants a try - a proper try, like committing to getting beyond the first weird couple of weeks, and staying on them for six months. At least it's a project to be going on with.