On my own and not ok

[Allthepieces]

I’m a new poster and I’m single, hope it’s ok to post on this board. I’ve come here in blind panic and sadness really. The last few weeks have been particularly awful. This time two years ago w relationship broke down with my fiancé. It took me a long long time to feel remotely ok. Whilst I feel like I’ve moved on from that, I just can’t believe I am now so old and still single. I guess it’s the one thing in my life I haven’t been able to fix by working harder, earning more money, taking up hobbies, travelling... all of which are things I’ve done in the past to make my life how I wanted it. I guess the problem is relationships don’t work like that, it either happens or it doesn’t.

I just don’t know where to go from here. I definitely don’t want to go at anything alone, it’s about the family and companionship with someone for me, though I get it works for some people. So it leaves me with this horrible feeling that fuck what have done to be in this position at this age? Where did I go wrong? Covid has made things lonelier but I’ve been online dating, chatting and meeting people when restrictions allow. I’ve been at it for a year and no success. I’ve tried all the tricks too if giving things a chance and being more selective, less selective, not being picky, being pickier, taking a break etc etc. Nothing works. Some say it will happen when you least expect it and others say that’s ridiculous you won’t get a man turn up at your door, you need to look.

I’ve spent some days going for a drive on my own as I’m so low. I don’t have suicidal thoughts but a lot of the time I wish I would not wake up. Any cancellation from friends really stings these days and today for example, I’ve not spoken to or heard from anyone. I do contact people myself and instigate chats, and I do have some good friends, but they all have people who are far higher in the priority list than me. And I get that, I understand it. It’s just heartbreakingly lonely. I want it all to go away and I really now can’t see any of this changing ever. Before my fiancé I did have a couple of short ish relationships of a couple of years but basically I can see being like this now and it is not something I think I can cope with much longer. I also worry that I have baggage now and things just feel pretty awful.

Sorry this was so long. I didn’t know where to turn anymore. If anyone was around to chat that would be nice.

I'm 60 , 61 in April and I've been single for 5 years. I have family near by and a few friends. But I feel alone too. Obviously been magnified by the virus. Sometimes its not too bad, other times its awful.
A few years ago I decided to go to things alone rather than sit at home and do nothing.
Sometimes its fine but 3 or 4 days away on my own is the limit. Ive tried online dating but its not helped.
I just try to make the best of it. Try new things and learn new things. But the prospect of being like this for the rest of my life is depressing.

I do think loneliness is a modern pandemic, we have all these ways of communicating but are more alone than ever.

I think if you're single you need some single friends, preferably ones that don't live in their family's pockets and actually NEED to socialize.

I am hoping when covid ends I can do a lot more group activities again. At this point I will settle for acquaintances again!! (thanks covid)

@frustratedashell
I’m 55 I never in a million years thought I’d be where I am now.

@Allthepieces I used to think about not being here. I was in car crash a few months ago my car was written off, luckily I wasn’t badly hurt but I had to just suck it up and cope and sort everything alone. I laid awake nights thinking how if I were really ill who would care?
I have no children or parents alive, just one older sister who lives ,lies away.
2 more days then back to work at least 🤷🏼‍♀️

10 years ago i split up with my fiance just before Valentines day. I decided to go away for a few days. I was away for Valentines day and needed to get dinner somewhere that evening.
Was not looking forward to eating out amongst all the loved up couples! I found a place with a dining room and a bar where you could have meals. So i put my big girls pants on and had dinner in the bar, accompanied by a book. It was fine, quite liberating actually! I felt proud of myself, it felt like a triumph.
I recommend it

Do you really think life stops and you are ancient at forty or something? Sorry but I think you’re shooting yourself in the foot with that attitude about your age.

I know it’s hard to be lonely and single, i’m in the same boat, but I hate this sexist attitude that women have a shelf life and forty is basically ‘past it’. That’s only half an entire lifetime and it just feeds into devaluing yourself and by extension other women of a similar age by acting like unmarried women past their 30s are dried up old hags etc.

I’m not saying this to have a go but seriously we’re never going to change this old fashioned view of women when we are sat there perpetuating it.

Think SilverRoe is right to challenge some of the thinking about women over 40. Yes, loneliness is awful and l hear your pain but try not to buy into the sexiest shite that you're value reduces as you hit 40. You still hopefully have many years of living and things can and do change. I know it is really hard but try to stay positive and keep getting out there. Good luck

Hello. Have you thought about house sharing/ getting a lodger? What about fostering?

2 things

1. Life i about hope and the future . I dont know your circumstances OP but I am sure there i no reason on earth that you cannot find love . But if you have given up then it wont find you. If you really want a relationship then you must try to make it happen.If I said tomorrow you need to get a job you would start applying and not stop until you got a job no matter the competition, the rejection or the hoops you had to jump through ..Love has proved hard for you to find but if you go looking with purpose and determination then you can find it ..If its what you really want then you cant give up

2.Many people get married and have kids like you want but few have perfect or indeed good relationships.Your relationship with yourself is key in your life ..all else will follow .For instance start by voicing you needs to your friends ...you dont have to demand but you can find a position where you feel valued in any relationship ...open ,honest ,non judgemental communication is key

@Allthepieces

One of my friends was saying the other day that I was so chilled compared with her other friends and I never make her feel pressured to meet and she knows I’m so relaxed like that... saying her other friends need support and contact to feel like the friendship is strong. I was thinking I cry myself to sleep most nights and would love for her to contact me more. I don’t want to be a burden or inconvenience though. I just want someone who sees me as their priority and vice versa. Genuinely don’t think it will ever happen now and I don’t want this anymore. It’s so hard.

Charming. What she means by that is that you're low maintenance. How can a friend feel comfortable sharing their problems when the other side has said something like that? She has shut you down before you've even asked for support.

They've pretty much said 'Don't think about sharing any problems with me. I meet up with you at my convenience and I'd like to keep it that way. I like you because you're low maintenance and I don't need to give you as much to keep you happy, support I give all my other friends'.

There seems to be many posters in this situation atm. Loneliness is heartbreaking and so unfair. Could the posters possibly connect with each other through Mumsnet? Offer chats and support and a few laughs. Maybe some meetups when this bloody Covid lark is sorted out?
I know its not very original but getting a dog is wonderful for regular exercise and you end up talking to other people constantly. Dogs are also a great source of affection. They really love and need you and its a lovely feeling. I also can't recommend anti depressants enough. They have helped me through an awful time and they keep me stable and the dark thoughts at bay.

I wonder if you can make friends with single women locally, when Covid is over. I think you need women who have more time for you and believe in mutual support. What kind of hobbies do you have? I'm asking because I've noticed that many people in the arts tend to settle down later in life. They have children later, have fewer of them or not at all. They tend to know more people who have travelled or led unconventional lifestyles which might make you feel like you fit in more. I think you'll get a bit more understanding.

Read 'fucking fed up with it' - a post on MN from yesterday. I am sure it will resonate

Just checking in to see are you ok