On my own and not ok

[Allthepieces]

I’m a new poster and I’m single, hope it’s ok to post on this board. I’ve come here in blind panic and sadness really. The last few weeks have been particularly awful. This time two years ago w relationship broke down with my fiancé. It took me a long long time to feel remotely ok. Whilst I feel like I’ve moved on from that, I just can’t believe I am now so old and still single. I guess it’s the one thing in my life I haven’t been able to fix by working harder, earning more money, taking up hobbies, travelling... all of which are things I’ve done in the past to make my life how I wanted it. I guess the problem is relationships don’t work like that, it either happens or it doesn’t.

I just don’t know where to go from here. I definitely don’t want to go at anything alone, it’s about the family and companionship with someone for me, though I get it works for some people. So it leaves me with this horrible feeling that fuck what have done to be in this position at this age? Where did I go wrong? Covid has made things lonelier but I’ve been online dating, chatting and meeting people when restrictions allow. I’ve been at it for a year and no success. I’ve tried all the tricks too if giving things a chance and being more selective, less selective, not being picky, being pickier, taking a break etc etc. Nothing works. Some say it will happen when you least expect it and others say that’s ridiculous you won’t get a man turn up at your door, you need to look.

I’ve spent some days going for a drive on my own as I’m so low. I don’t have suicidal thoughts but a lot of the time I wish I would not wake up. Any cancellation from friends really stings these days and today for example, I’ve not spoken to or heard from anyone. I do contact people myself and instigate chats, and I do have some good friends, but they all have people who are far higher in the priority list than me. And I get that, I understand it. It’s just heartbreakingly lonely. I want it all to go away and I really now can’t see any of this changing ever. Before my fiancé I did have a couple of short ish relationships of a couple of years but basically I can see being like this now and it is not something I think I can cope with much longer. I also worry that I have baggage now and things just feel pretty awful.

Sorry this was so long. I didn’t know where to turn anymore. If anyone was around to chat that would be nice.

OP I'm in the same boat, I've spent the past 6 months crying everyday and feeling panicky and anxious about being alone. I separated after 17 years of marriage and had a brief FWB arrangement this year and thats it for me.

This christmas has been tough because its been full of couples bubbling up together and I've never felt more lonely. My friends keep telling me that it will happen for me when I least expect but I just can't see it. I've been online dating but its actually been more damaging than anything else, lots of rejection and ghosting.

I also long for a partner to do things with, everytime I go anywhere or do anything I see couples and wonder if I will ever experience it myself. I get tearful.and probably look totally bonkers.

I just want you to know you are not alone

@Allthepieces Sorry you're feeling so low. You're not alone in feeling this way - I think this is surprisingly common, especially this year and this time of year.
Definitely consider joining some groups - online and even in person. Check Facebook and Meet Up. Near me a new walking group attracted about 500 members in a week and they were meeting up for short and long walks in groups, and then in 1-to-1s since Tier 4 was added.

Same boat OP - I put a thread on here the other day, I've no idea how to link it but you're not alone. It's really, really hard x

@Allthepieces I know exactly how you feel. It's been 3 years since marriage ended(it was a 14 year relationship). At 43 I feel like a failure, no marriage, no children, no new man, not even any dates(I've just started to feel ready mind you). I also go for drives to get out. Right now I'm feeling particularly down. January is a shit time of year but I have to believe it's got to get better.

I did take up photography which has helped massively, and it's a nice way to connect with people of similar interests of that would help.

Hi OP, I haven’t written on here for ages but got myself a new password to come on and respond to you. I have totally been where you are and absolutely recognise everything you are saying. In fact now that I’m finally married with 2 kids I’m still recovering from the many years of loneliness as it seeps into your bones. So I hear you. What I will say is that I wish I had taken antidepressants as I do think it would have made life easier. I am on them now and I was definitely depressed before and it would just have taken the edge off. It would have allowed me the space to breathe and to say, ok, I’m upset that x has cancelled as she has something better to do, but I will sit with the pain for a bit and then go and play the piano or bake or something I can take pleasure in on my own. So yes plan b to being with someone, but I can still manage it and even perhaps enjoy it a bit.
Re your friends, it’s very hard for someone who hasn’t been there to understand the pain of loneliness. And it seems toxic to say you are lonely - changes the power balance in the friendship. So I don’t think you can really easily tell friends how you feel, at least I don’t think you would get the outcome you want. You can say though that you are isolated - that word seems less toxic, so you could say before making arrangements, I have been noticing with Covid that I am not speaking enough to real people each day, so please don’t cancel if you book me in because it won’t give me enough time to arrange to speak in person to someone else.
Have you any other single friends to spend time with?

@Allthepieces I’m not sure I know how I manage, people say to me go to the doctor you need tablets but I’m not depressed just unhappy.
I suppose the panic is that feeling that is this my life now.
I’ve heard Get a hobby
It’ll happen when you least expect it
Learn to love yourself etc..
I know all this. I even met a man that was a friend of a friend who liked me, 3 months in and he’s not ready for a relationship apparently 🤷🏼‍♀️
It’s not even the online ones.
These last few years I’ve worked a lot and distracted myself but I so miss affection.
Like you I don’t want to be this person. And same most of my friends are loved up and don’t bother that much despite me being a good friend to them.
I really don’t know the answer but if you find it let me know ...

@MoreShit123 you sound ace though

I have been in your position in the past as I didn't meet my husband until later in life and my heart goes out to you. Especially as covid must make it so much more difficult. I don't know if this is a useful suggestion at all but have you considered getting a dog if you're in a position to do so? A dog would provide some companionship but also you'd be surprised how many people strike up conversations with you when you're out and about walking a dog. Not something to take on lightly but maybe something to think about. Otherwise you could walk dogs for a charity like the cinnamon trust.

@Techgirldating I think sometimes I feel my friends don’t care that much because I have so much time to invest in them...I wonder why I don’t have that back. For instance I make a big fuss on their birthday, always send a card, remember important days for them, always call back... they are more hit and miss with me and I know that’s because I’m much further down their list of people that matter. It’s not something I resent as I love my friends but it is a harsh reminder sometimes that those relationships are so very different to a romantic one. I get how you feel about things not working out too, sometimes when you can’t even see why...he sounds like he messed you about. I know some of it is down to luck but that doesn’t make me feel much better!!

@category12 sorry I must have forgotten to add that in my reply. I’m 36, but 37 later this year which has caused me to feel physically sick and terrified that time is up for me now to have the things I wanted. I know people do meet at this age but not always and I’m old now. I’ve even heard people joke that nobody my age wants someone my age, they all go for someone younger. It feels shit.

@Nightmonkeynow thank you so much for posting. I’m really grateful. I’m glad you are happy and met someone. You’ve got it spot on with not wanting to say you’re lonely to a friend....it’s a shit dynamic and you kind of want them to just recognise you’re on you’re own so just check in now and then. I guess it’s a case of not really knowing what it’s like unless you’re in that situation. I could phrase it differently I suppose but I can’t see them suddenly changing their approach, they know I wouldn’t cut them off (obviously) and we’ve been friends for a long time so I would feel like I was making a drama. They definitely see me as the strong one who is just ‘used to be alone’

When my friends are free and their partners are at work or out, I will hear from them. If not, I rarely hear a thing. It’s such a horrible feeling even though I understand it and know it’s not intended to hurt me, it’s just how things are.

I was just coming on to say similar to @category12 , medication is not a bad thing .

At the beginning of the first lockdown , I felt awful I would cry at someone everyday like you .

I went on a low dose Sri , it wasn't perfect it made me nauseous sometimes and pretty much killed my sex drive,
But for the first time in a long time , I am at peace with myself and a day on my own doesn't fill me with dred anymore .

I m just in the process of coming off them so it doesn't have to be forever but it will change your perspective in a way you will not think is possible now .

Hi OP, I've been there and it sucks. We have a weird thing where it's almost shameful to be lonely. I remember spending the long Easter weekend on my own one year, everyone had other plans and afterwards for some reason I lied to everyone and pretended I'd seen other people so no-one knew. It's ridiculous when you think about it!

You've prompted me to message a friend today, I take him for granted so much of the time and he'd never admit it but I know he's lonely sometimes.

I hope things work out for you, I met DH online so it does work, just need to weed out the dross :)

@Allthepieces
I’m similar but never had a good lasting relationship. Atm living with parents due to pandemic. Sooo lonely a lot of the time. I’m not really good at making friends. Sorry not much help, you are not alone.

I don’t even know what to do tonight and the thought of another two days like this. I don’t want to carry on, I really dont. Im so sad. Nobody would want me now anyway with my baggage. I’m so sad.

You do still have time. And everyone has baggage.

Speak to the Samaritans if you need to. You're not alone in how you're feeling, and it is a shit time of year to be on your own. And Covid really doesn't help.

Where roughly are you based? X

@Allthepieces I'm literally sat eating Colin the Caterpillars and watching Emmerdale, that's the extent of my evening. I'm also thinking what to do with myself this weekend and feeling sad that I have no one to share it with.

We all have baggage by our ages, even the guys do you shouldn't worry about that.

You’re definitely not alone in how you’re feeling.
I had a very difficult time losing my mother and idiot partner moving across the Atlantic for a job and wouldn’t take me with him. We broke up and a year later I met a lovely man online and we’re now married. We’ve been together nearly 5 years, and married for 2. I’m 51, I met him at 47, we both feel very lucky.
This time of year, compounded with Covid restrictions is so very difficult. Can you think of 1 tiny thing to do which you can achieve and make you feel good. Read one page of a book, have a bath, listen to some favourite music, make a hot chocolate etc.
When I was so sad I caught up on many many Netflix boxsets, and managed a tiny bit of exercise, just a walk round the block. Antidepressants helped me immensely and some Talking Therapies I was able to get through my GP, with some small exercises which I could do.
Please take care.

Totally get how you feel OP. I feel similar except I’m even older than you, I’m 41! Still hoping for a second happy marriage and more children after an abusive marriage and one child. But very aware time is running out and this pandemic isn’t helping FFS. I do think it’s helpful to “allow” yourself to want those things, and reassure yourself that it doesn’t make you weird etc. I hate it when people say ah you have to learn to be happy in your own company first 🙄 And “it’s never too late”, “you’re not too old”, “you’re still young” etc. I haven’t got forever here! And time really is running out if children are a factor. I did ask my mum the other day at what age she’d stop saying these things 😂 90? 100? When is it time to accept that life just hasn’t worked out how I wanted it to and focus on trying to make peace with that instead of still somehow hoping for a “happy ending”?...

And it’s not that I’m unhappy in my own company really, I’d just like to have a partner in life like most other people and that’s normal. The people who say that are always partnered up by the way. And never accused me of not being happy in my own company when Inwas in a relationship!

I’m really glad you said that about feeling that you are nobody’s top priority, I literally said just that to my mum recently who thought I was being a drama queen.. But like you say, although you can understand you’re not anyone’s number 1, and it would be weird if you were someone’s top priority over their spouse etc, it still hurts to know that everyone you care about has someone more important in their lives to them than you are. Like if you were on a sinking ship or something and everyone had to choose just one other person to put in a lifeboat with them, nobody would pick you even though you would pick them. I don’t have an answer for that one except to say there are more people with similar feelings and lives to yours than you think and you are not alone!

I also tried a variety of talking therapies but the only thing that made me feel better was mindfulness meditation because I had to feel the pain and sit with it and that made me less overwhelmed and scared by it

I know what you mean feeling that this could cause you to become all twisted and bitter inside if you’re not careful. And feeling that to a certain extent it’s not something you are in control of. Like people say “well if you’re not happy think about what you really want in life and set that as a goal” But is it reasonable to set marriage and children as a goal and if so how much can you really influence achieving it?!

@OTannenbaum yes you get it exactly!! I have this fear at the moment of being unwell, seriously, and just trying to work out how I would end things. I have family but they are a long way in miles and I couldn’t cope alone. I would want to just end it there and then. I keep having nightmares about this over and over.

The lifeboat thing is such a good analogy. It’s exactly how it feels. I have nobody, that’s the truth. I have images of falling down the stairs some days and knowing it would be ages before anyone noticed. Then there’s the whole redundancy worry, I’m lucky i have a decent job at the moment but when you’re on your own everything is daunting. There’s no team. No joint efforts. I feel so sad, I honestly don’t know how to carry on facing each day. I have tried some of the suggestions people tend to make like joining a class etc. None of it makes it any better there’s still this deep awful horrifying sadness in the middle of the night. I honestly just don’t want to be here. It’s shit.

How have I got to a point where literally nobody outside my immediate family has messaged me on New Year’s Day? I just want to disappear so much.

Happy New Year OP!!! See, someone outside of family has messaged you!!

I think a lot of posters would tell you that at 37 you have years of opportunity ahead of you...but that doesn't help at this exact moment does it! Especially after a spectacularly shit year for single people.

I wonder if part of the problem is so many people won't do things on their own anymore? As the years have gone by (and my marriage ended) I have noticed most people seem to do things only as groups/couples. Very few go solo to things (except me apparently). I wonder if that makes thing worse for people like us --- that so few people are willing to fly solo, so to speak?

I wonder for other people if their spouse or friend can't make it they just don't go???

From reading so many threads on MN about this I think there are actually quite a few people in our boat.

I understand the frustration of doing meet ups, and classes, and it never going beyond acquaintances. I don't know what the solution is.

My plan is once this stupid stupid virus is over I will go on the best mother fucking holiday and enjoy the fuck out of myself regardless of going alone or not!!!!