Husband picked a fight on NYE... What next

[bahumbug2020]

I posted in step parenting a few days ago. This is kind of the follow up. Huge row last night - second in 5 days. I don't think I can take any more.

We were having a perfectly nice evening in front of the TV. Conversion turned to 2021 and how we need it to be a better year. I made what I thought was an innocent comment about us needing to communicate better. He completely blew up. Accused me of 'picking a fight' and 'why did you have to pick at that scab.'

My daughter was up in her room and i was trying to keep down the noise. I have a lot of guilt from her having to listen to me and her dad rowing before we split. My husband knows this. But he did nothing to try and keep things down and even tried to bring her into it by shouting her down from her room at one point.

I'll admit that I lost my rag with him. He twists things round so that everything becomes my fault. The row last night was me picking a fight in his head. I told him he needed to move out. He became aggressive and wouldn't let me go to bed, physically blocking the way. I eventually got past and he followed me, trying to continue the fight. I asked him to leave me to sleep and he eventually left.

I don't know what to do. To my family he is the best husband in the world as he does everything for us. Is the perfect gent. They wouldn't believe he has this side to him. I'll feel like I've failed again if this marriage ends. I can't kick him out as he has nowhere to go. But I can't carry on this this. I'm so unhappy.

I'm so sorry OP. I could literally have written your post, my DH did exactly the same last night but I can't leave either. I don't really have any helpful advice, but wanted to know you aren't on your own

Thank you and I'm sorry you're going through this too.

You have a child. Your first responsibility is to her not to a grown man. Of course you can kick him out. Is it your home?

Get rid.

Look after yourself and your child.

Yes it's my house but it's complicated. When he moved in he paid off some of my mortgage with the proceeds from the sale of his house. We've been married less than 3 years.

OP if hes got nowhere to go that's not your problem..if the only other issue is looking like you have failed , I totally get that ....its a horrible feeling but you have to swallow your pride I'm afraid for the sake of your child. Her getting in the middle of arguments is absolutely not ok . Sorry to be blunt but this is what brought it home to me: would you rather be a " bad" wife or a bad mother ?
I dont know what triggered your husband but men often pick arguments because they want you to end it and dont have the balls to do it themselves . And they would rather drive you away with the children than have the responsibility of going to find somewhere else to live .

Just to add, she's 17, so almost an adult. But yes, I still need to protect her.

What's he like generally?

What's happened since the row?

Please end this for your daughters sake. She has been through this once with her father and now with this man. Dont let her go through this twice.

Well he proved your point didn't he.
Can you get a loan or remortgage to pay him off?

Is his name actually on the mortgage? If not, you don't need to do anything to get him out. Obviously you may want to pay him back in the long run but if he isn't named on the mortgage then he has no claim to the house or any money connected to it.

@footprintsintheslow

What's he like generally?

What's happened since the row?

He's mild mannered until something triggers him.

I went to bed crying and he eventually left our room. I assume he slept elsewhere. I'm still in bed. I don't want to get up because I don't want it all to start again. He accuses me of not loving him and says that that he feels insecure.

I could remortgage and pay him off but it would make money very tight. I don't know if I can afford to keep this house going. I extended it when he moved in and my mortgage is now much bigger. I wish we'd never got married. We barely ever argued before.

Kick him out. Don’t worry about your family - they don’t see who he is behind closed doors. Do worry about the example you’re setting your daughter - 17 is absolutely the age you want her to see you taking charge and refusing to take crap from men. Finding somewhere to go is his responsibility. You can worry about the mortgage later.

Kick him out, where he goes is not your concern, he's a grown man and can sort himself out.

Are you the lady who's husband ignored her because he thinks you don't make enough of an effort with his kids?

Now he's texted that he's sorry and I just heard him go out. I don't know where.

@lilylongjohn

Kick him out, where he goes is not your concern, he's a grown man and can sort himself out.

Are you the lady who's husband ignored her because he thinks you don't make enough of an effort with his kids?

Yes that's me.

op he's made your life hell all over Christmas and new year, I'd have a very long hard think about what affect this is having on you and your daughter and if you want to continue to live like this.

I suspect the sorry has come from a place of knowing he's pushed too hard this time and he doesn't want the hassle or insecurity of having to leave. By reading your other thread over Xmas I doubt it's genuine remorse.

Get legal advice regarding finances.

He is making you and your DD unhappy in your homes get rid.

Did you extend your mortgage because he moved in, why?

I had to extend the house to accommodate his kids staying. I bitterly regret that now. I was financially independent and I feel like that has all been taken away from me.

OK so he has gone out. Can you afford to get the locks changed ASAP and dump his stuff out the front?

He isn't worth your time or your care. Your DD is.

Kick him out. Get legal advice regarding finances. Is he paying towards the mortgage or any expenses.

Prioritise getting your life back.

He's paid half the mortgage and bills since he moved in.

Oh I remember your other thread.

I wouldn’t give a shit.

Kick him out get legal advice and start divorce proceedings.

This is the husband who wants you to serve his 14 & 20 year old and sit on the floor whilst they watch movies of their choices. Because anything else isn’t creating a happy family atmosphere.

Get rid. They’ve all had more than their monies worth from you already. I wouldn’t give a shit where he’s sleeping.

He’s purposely trying to make your child miserable.

Bet he’d wouldn’t put up with it if you had tried to drag his kids into an argument you were having.

Tell him to leave. It’s not your problem where he goes

Get some proper financial advice, he may be entitled to something but your marriage is not long so this reduces the idea of an even split and even if he's paid money he would have had to pay rent or mortgage elsewhere (he couldn't have expected to live there for nothing). If you extended for his kids then think of downsizing and making a new start, a lot of effort but believe me well worth it in the end. Good luck and forget the apology from him, that is worth Jack shit given what happened. You and your daughter have a much better future available without him x