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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband picked a fight on NYE... What next

66 replies

bahumbug2020 · 01/01/2021 08:13

I posted in step parenting a few days ago. This is kind of the follow up. Huge row last night - second in 5 days. I don't think I can take any more.

We were having a perfectly nice evening in front of the TV. Conversion turned to 2021 and how we need it to be a better year. I made what I thought was an innocent comment about us needing to communicate better. He completely blew up. Accused me of 'picking a fight' and 'why did you have to pick at that scab.'

My daughter was up in her room and i was trying to keep down the noise. I have a lot of guilt from her having to listen to me and her dad rowing before we split. My husband knows this. But he did nothing to try and keep things down and even tried to bring her into it by shouting her down from her room at one point.

I'll admit that I lost my rag with him. He twists things round so that everything becomes my fault. The row last night was me picking a fight in his head. I told him he needed to move out. He became aggressive and wouldn't let me go to bed, physically blocking the way. I eventually got past and he followed me, trying to continue the fight. I asked him to leave me to sleep and he eventually left.

I don't know what to do. To my family he is the best husband in the world as he does everything for us. Is the perfect gent. They wouldn't believe he has this side to him. I'll feel like I've failed again if this marriage ends. I can't kick him out as he has nowhere to go. But I can't carry on this this. I'm so unhappy.

OP posts:
Original poster
bahumbug2020 · 01/01/2021 10:27

I don't know if I can face starting again at the age of 50. What I find so hard is that we were happy for years before he moved in. I wish I could turn the clock back and reverse that decision.

OP posts:
chillibeansauce · 01/01/2021 10:29

I remember your previous post. You know what you need to do OP. It's so hard OP, I've been through similar in 2020. Honestly ? We are in the process of divorcing now. The atmosphere at home now that he's home is SO MUCH BETTER. It's a huge scary step but take it OP and separate. You will be so much happier.

chillibeansauce · 01/01/2021 10:30

@chillibeansauce

I remember your previous post. You know what you need to do OP. It's so hard OP, I've been through similar in 2020. Honestly ? We are in the process of divorcing now. The atmosphere at home now that he's home is SO MUCH BETTER. It's a huge scary step but take it OP and separate. You will be so much happier.
Now that's he's no longer here ..
Techway · 01/01/2021 10:33

I suspect his behaviour ramped up when you married as he was aware ypu felt locked in...marriage seems to increase some men's sense of entitlement.

How long were you together before marriage?

I would not rush to kick him out, this needs planning, get advice. 3 years marriage (any co habitation before?) should hopefully put you in a position of neutral finances.

Worse case is you have to sell but hopefully you will have made money on the house and will be able to buy afresh for you and your daughter.

The mild mannered, outwardly nice is very much a type..typically covert narcissists who are highly reactive to any slight or perceived criticism. His needs come first and by default his children.

Don't feel guilt at a 2nd marriage ending, many women have been fooled and are often targeted by these types.

Original poster
bahumbug2020 · 01/01/2021 10:37

We were together 5 years before getting married, didn't live together until then.

OP posts:
footprintsintheslow · 01/01/2021 10:41

@bahumbug2020

I don't know if I can face starting again at the age of 50. What I find so hard is that we were happy for years before he moved in. I wish I could turn the clock back and reverse that decision.
Right so you know what happiness looks like and you will have that again. 50 is nothing, it's just the oldest you've been so far. Look at it the other way another 40 years living like this.

Do what you have to now to get through the next few days until solicitors are open. Get legal and financial advice. If you have to move to a smaller house so be it. You'll love whatever house that he's not in making yours and your daughters life a misery.

Thehop · 01/01/2021 10:42

Good lord kick him out. Then get advice on the financials, maybe sell the house, give him SOMETHING back(remember the loan was for his kids so get advice) and buy a smaller 2 bed for you and your daughter to be happy again.

He will make you both more and more miserable. Don’t stay like this Op.

Wanderlusto · 01/01/2021 10:45

Try not to think of it as starting again and more like a fresh start. One where you've chose yourself and freedom. One where you can live your life for you and not for some abusive wanker. A new adventure (hopefully one with some peace and relaxation).

Tou definately need to set an example by your daughter about how men treat women. It's not good that she has seen him treat you this way and you tolerate it. Perhaps both of you could do 'the freedom program' online when he is gone.

I echo pps, dont feel bad, his sort have a way of reeling folk in. What matters is what you do now that you know what he is.

Wanderlusto · 01/01/2021 10:59

Also, if your family genuinely dont believe your word when they've known you your whole life and instead choose to believe no ill of a man they've known three years...then they might be part of the reason you're choosing assholes like him in the first place.

You're 50 though so a grown assed women. You dont have to explain your decisions to anyone anymore. Save perhaps those they actually affect, such as your daughter under your roof. Whom I'm sure, is already aware what a bastard he is.

oatmilk4breakfast · 01/01/2021 11:02

You can ask him to leave, and call the police if he doesn’t. Sounds like you don’t feel safe. That’s more important - you and DDs safety. He’s a grown man he can find somewhere to go even if it’s a hotel for a while while you decide what you both want from this relationship.

Original poster
bahumbug2020 · 01/01/2021 11:05

I've known him 8 years. My ex husband was abusive. I thought this man was the opposite of that when I met him. So kind, always putting my first. Whatever I want, it's mine. I choose where we go on holiday. To the outside world he is the perfect husband. But he has anger issues and I don't know why I've only seen it since we moved in together. Believe me, I didn't want to get myself into this situation again after my first marriage.

He makes me question my own sanity. Like he has a completely different version of events in his head. He plays things back to me like they happened differently.

I don't know what to say to my daughter when she wakes up. I can't even face getting out of bed.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 01/01/2021 11:14

He is angry because he is abusive. It's deliberate. It's to intimidate you.

Find your anger op. He tricked you, he played you, he came into your home and tainted it. After all you've been through he used all your hurt and pain to take advantage of you at your weakest point. How dare he. Who the hell does he think he is?

He is a parasite op. Time to burn the bastard off.

Might be worthwhile googling 'Lundy bankrofts types of abusers'.

MadamBatty · 01/01/2021 11:24

I agree he targeted & played you. Think of getting rid as a fresh start, new year, new decade at 50 for you. Do you want to be even more miserable at 60?

Get up & get out for a walk. The exercise & air will help you.

I also wouldn’t get involved with him with;

  1. A rehash of what he said & how mean you are
  2. That he’s so sorry but only if you’d...
Original poster
bahumbug2020 · 01/01/2021 11:28

He wants to come home and talk. But it will just be more manipulation of the facts.

OP posts:
Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 01/01/2021 11:30

I imagine your dd will choose to leave home young.. You will be left behind waitressing and housekeeping for this twat and his offspring...
Seek legal advice ASAP. Get them the fuck out. 50 isn't too old to start a new life op...

Wanderlusto · 01/01/2021 11:34

I'd do all I could to stop him coming back. Use the time he is gone to see solicitors for advice.

timeisnotaline · 01/01/2021 11:38

You could see a solicitors about giving him a claim on x % of the house to be realised when it’s sold, at your discretion or in 10 years or something like that? So you don’t have to remortgage immediately? Remember, he’s the one screwing this up. You were independent. He doesn’t get all his investment handed back to him on a plate because he is an asshole.

JillofTrades · 01/01/2021 11:38

I think you need a harsh reality check op. Do you realize that your dd probably will look back at her childhood with such unhappiness and she will very likely blame you for alot of it. You have forced her to live with and accept a man and his sons who are absolutely horrible. You have brought this into her life and refusing to let go. She is 17 and almost out the door, was that worth it. You are the one who has the power to change this for her. Its so sad that you can't even see it from that perspective.

MadamBatty · 01/01/2021 11:40

Don t ‘talk’. It will exhaust you & wear you down. You may give In For peace. Think of a stock phrase for him. I can’t speak to you at the moment. He’ll probably follow you around, keep repeating. Don’t engage.

Dontletitbeyou · 01/01/2021 11:43

He wants to come back and talk . Talk at you not to you . He wants to get his point across and make you realise it was all your fault , and if you hadn’t started it , everything would have been fine .
He’s a major gaslighter, this is typical abusive behaviour, getting you to feel like you are stupid and have just remembered everything incorrectly, and he’s just helping you to see how things really happened . Make your decision on whether you want this cycle to continue or not .
If not ,make plans to move on without him , give yourself a chance to find someone who will treat you how you deserve to be treated .

Sunbird24 · 01/01/2021 11:45

Having extended your house, you’d be able to let out a room to a lodger tax free under the government’s rent a room scheme, or if you’re anywhere near a university you could host foreign students (I’ve a friend who does this and really enjoys it, it’s been great company for her DC as well as they’re an only). You have options which include being able to stay in your own home, don’t let the financial side of it affect your decision.

Porcupineintherough · 01/01/2021 11:50

First things first. He needs to move out. That will give you the headspace to decide what you want to do next - separate, divorce reconcile, seek counselling to decide. You dont need to decide that now but you do need space to think.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 01/01/2021 11:53

I was on your other thread. This is escalating. You're not happy. Your daughter is stuck in the middle of all this.

First things first tough, see a solicitor and find out what rights you have and the financial side.

Don't worry about where he will go. He's an adult,it's not your responsibility to house him.

I'm sorry things are getting worse.Thanks

Original poster
bahumbug2020 · 01/01/2021 11:58

Of course I can see this from my daughter's perspective. She's my main concern in all of this. I feel terrible.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 01/01/2021 12:02

Start the new year on a positive note.

Take your life back. Make a tick list of things to do. Getting a solicitor should be the top.

Once you know your legal position then you can make a decision on how to proceed.

Agree with PP, getting lodgers sounds a sensible way to generate extra income.

You could have a few options of how to repay the sum paid by your H into your house.

Don’t enter into discussions with him if he gaslights you and makes you doubt your sanity. Speak to women’s aid for help as well.

You will get through this. You need to get very good legal advice and don’t be bullied by your H.

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