Husband picked a fight on NYE... What next

[bahumbug2020]

I posted in step parenting a few days ago. This is kind of the follow up. Huge row last night - second in 5 days. I don't think I can take any more.

We were having a perfectly nice evening in front of the TV. Conversion turned to 2021 and how we need it to be a better year. I made what I thought was an innocent comment about us needing to communicate better. He completely blew up. Accused me of 'picking a fight' and 'why did you have to pick at that scab.'

My daughter was up in her room and i was trying to keep down the noise. I have a lot of guilt from her having to listen to me and her dad rowing before we split. My husband knows this. But he did nothing to try and keep things down and even tried to bring her into it by shouting her down from her room at one point.

I'll admit that I lost my rag with him. He twists things round so that everything becomes my fault. The row last night was me picking a fight in his head. I told him he needed to move out. He became aggressive and wouldn't let me go to bed, physically blocking the way. I eventually got past and he followed me, trying to continue the fight. I asked him to leave me to sleep and he eventually left.

I don't know what to do. To my family he is the best husband in the world as he does everything for us. Is the perfect gent. They wouldn't believe he has this side to him. I'll feel like I've failed again if this marriage ends. I can't kick him out as he has nowhere to go. But I can't carry on this this. I'm so unhappy.

We've talked. He's taken 100% responsibility to what happened last night. I don't want to be that pathetic woman who stays in a marriage where she's not happy but I have given him 3 months to change things for the better and then he's out. In the meantime I will be speaking to a solicitor about the house and what my rights are.

But he did nothing to try and keep things down and even tried to bring her into it by shouting her down from her room at one point.

He became aggressive and wouldn't let me go to bed, physically blocking the way.

He makes me question my own sanity. Like he has a completely different version of events in his head. He plays things back to me like they happened differently.

Read back the above things you've said. They are still true.

He is horrible, a gaslighter, aggressive and brought your daughter into an argument while she was hiding in her room to avoid the shouting. After she already went through witnessing a previous abuse relationship.

I'm sorry but your poor daughter.

You say you're scared to 'start again' and I think that's fuelling your decision. It's not fair on her.

She's not only having to live in this horrible environment, she is learning that it's a woman's job to regulate a man's behaviour. To cook, clean and serve men. That men are entitled to live selfishly and women aren't.

I can't believe after he's now escalated to being aggressive, blocking you leaving a room and dragging her into an argument you are still showing her you'll still choose a man over her wellbeing.

Sorry to sound harsh but as someone who has been that daughter, living in a walking on eggshells and women serving men environment, it's so selfish of the adults involved.

The three months is just showing her its ok to keeping giving men chances even when their behaviour escalates from awful selfishness, laziness and gaslighting to physical aggression.

Your poor girl.

He may realise that he’s pushed you too far so will love bomb for a bit. Then service as usual.

When he says he’ll change what’s does that mean?

Mind yourself

@youvegottenminuteslynn I do take your points on board and please do not make me feel worse than I already do. I've explained to her what's going on. She said she would be upset if we split up but she knows I can't stay unhappy.

[quote bahumbug2020]@youvegottenminuteslynn I do take your points on board and please do not make me feel worse than I already do. I've explained to her what's going on. She said she would be upset if we split up but she knows I can't stay unhappy.[/quote]
I don't want you to feel bad, I want you to recognise that you're the adult in this situation.

Explaining it to your daughter only tells her what she already knows - that you're in a dysfunctional, toxic relationship and she is living in a tense home where the male / female dynamic is sexist.

She's already aware of that. She's aware you're aware of that. She's aware both of you are aware of that but that you're choosing for you both to stay.

You have agency and choice in the matter, she doesn't.

You're delaying the inevitable and each day you do so you are further reinforcing the damage already done, to both of you.

@User415373

Is his name actually on the mortgage? If not, you don't need to do anything to get him out. Obviously you may want to pay him back in the long run but if he isn't named on the mortgage then he has no claim to the house or any money connected to it.

They're married.

I think she needs legal advice about all that.

Your DD only knows abusive relationships. She’s going to say what she thinks you want to do. And there will inevitably be an element of better the devil you know. Would you want your DD to have a similar relationship?

Also keep in mind the longer you remain married the more you risk losing financially.

Do get legal advice and make a calm thought out decision. Don’t run scared because you don’t want to start again etc.

This relationship sounds utterly toxic And the kids are getting caught in the crossfire.

Don’t use your DD as your sounding board or as the one making the decisions it is not her responsibility.

Whilst you have decided to stay I would still look into how to separate finances on the quiet and what steps you would need to go through to get him out just in case.

I think he will be fine for a few months but ime the next family event it will kick off and it won't hurt to have a plan ready if you need it

That's my plan. To be fair we already have completely separate finances. I would just need to work out how I pay him back for what he's invested in the house and whether I could afford everything on my own.

Now might be a good time to speak to him about ring fencing part of the house via a solicitor. Get it all sorted whilst he's in his best behaviour

I don't blame you for giving it a go and reassess in three months. But remember you can reassess and change your mind anytime before that should you need to or if there's another blow up.

But you should still seek legal advice in the meantime secretly so that you are ready should you need to act. It will be reassuring and informative and give you a sense of control.

Hes a piece of shit actually. I still remember the absolute torment of my parents screaming at each other and having to hide upstairs and the feeling of desperation. To get her involved is unforgivable.

@footprintsintheslow

I don't blame you for giving it a go and reassess in three months. But remember you can reassess and change your mind anytime before that should you need to or if there's another blow up.

But you should still seek legal advice in the meantime secretly so that you are ready should you need to act. It will be reassuring and informative and give you a sense of control.

Oh there's going to be no secrecy. I've told him I'm taking to a solicitor. That way he knows I mean business.

Your DD is seventeen. Keep the lines of communication open because if you stay in this relationship the chances are great that her first serious boyfriend will be controlling, abusive, and blame her for everything that goes wrong. "Do as I say, not as I do" doesn't work for children. She will copy the relationship she has lived with.

Thats exactly right, Georgia, and exactly what happened to me. I still dont know how to show affection to anybody as all I had was relationships like this as my model, then I went out and went with anybody who showed the slightest bit of attention to me.

You'll give him 3 months?

He's reeling you back in already.